Wayward Side
User Topic: Why bother with "why"?
JKL Vikings
Member # 32094
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Just wanted to share a little of what I've learned, now 4 years out from D-day.
Besides my tagline, the other thing I always tell my sons and my students is :There's a METHOD to my madness.
Getting to the why DOES NOT excuse the affair. "We know it's wrong going in, we're straight NOW so let's just move on."
1. The only way OUT IS through. Things that are not addressed fester, grow bigger and are that much more difficult to deal with. You have to get THROUGH to get "over it" or "move on"
2. Getting to the why is finding that broken part that made it "OK" for us to cheat. What was going on in us at the time? To borrow from Henry David Thoreau, we need to "hack at the ROOT and not the leaves"
3. For our sake and our BSes, we need to have a plan in place. Issues in our relationships didn't CAUSE us to stray. It was our messed up way of DEALING with them that did this. The plan can be as simple or elaborate as you like. Just have it ready and be able to execute if/when we get tested.
We and our BSes will have much greater peace of mind if we are better prepared. This also shows something else important to our BSes healing: Actions that are in line with our words.

Her- Alpha Female 40
Me-FWH 42
Married since '02, together since 2000
D-day 2/10/2009
3 sons- J- born Oct 2001
K- born Sept. 2005
L- born Apr. 2008
We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference

Posts: 524 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas, TX
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Yep. Gotta agree with you on all of that.

Good work .

Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."

Posts: 38027 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Where's that little clapping guy at?

Very well written.

ďYou have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.Ē
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Awesome post.

Actions that are in line with our words.

My BW still tells me this. A reminder to me my word, and not my feelings.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D

Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
New Member
Member # 39396
Default  Posted: 3:59 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Thank you for your wise words - I am now seeing an excellent IC who is helping me uncover the reasons to my lifelong coping mechanisms and putting them into context. BS and I have also just started with an amazing MC who posed the "why" question from day one .... and next week we will be investigating it in detail.

I may not have all the answers but knowing this exercise is coming is helping me to focus on this aspect of our journey. (Maybe that should be exorcise as I feel that is what has to be done!)
We fully want to R but I am struggling with putting my thoughts out there in the knowledge that I will cause more pain. I know we have to go through this and I need to change - and I will - but I am scared nonetheless

Me: fWH 49
Her: BS 46
PA: June to September 2013
Dday: January 3rd 2013 - I confessed
Status: Totally committed to R - having IC for the first time in my life which is uncovering so many bad, learned behaviours & we have seen a fabulous MC too.

Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 4:16 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Sometimes short messages have all the wisdom you need. LOL ... JKL ... you have come a long way since you first showed up here.


NewAttitude - stop thinking of yourself as a barrel and start thinking of yourself as a well. We are all wells with unplumbed depths that are hidden and ready to be tapped for reserve during bad and stressful situations. Don't limit yourself by imaging you are a barrel. You are a well and you can dig in and go as deep and far as she needs you to. There is no end to our abilities.

Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
JKL Vikings
Member # 32094
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, September 30th (Monday)


Her- Alpha Female 40
Me-FWH 42
Married since '02, together since 2000
D-day 2/10/2009
3 sons- J- born Oct 2001
K- born Sept. 2005
L- born Apr. 2008
We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference

Posts: 524 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas, TX
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Thanks for the bump JKL.


I try to explain this but I have never been able to so clearly and eloquently.

The actions, the effort, that is what would give me hope. To me that says, " I care, I am trying".

To not act, says to me, "I really don't care, you are not, we are not worth the effort".

Change, self awareness is crucial. It has been crucial for me to learn about myself and change. I need, not just want, but need to see the effort. Even if the change is slow to come, I understand how hard it is to really change, but the continued effort means so much.

The effort allows me to feel empathy. The effort allows me to encourage. The effort allows me to relax a bit, only because it proves the desire.

"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie


Posts: 1422 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, September 30th (Monday)


The purpose of all the introspection, the work, the words is to get it right going forward.

Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 252 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 37637
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Well said

WW(me) 41
BH 50 (5454real)
Married 10 years
Currently in R and plan to stay there and succeed
DD 21, DS 19, SS 22, DS 8, DGS 2

Posts: 61 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 10