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User Topic: what to do
madscotsman419
New Member
Member # 39538
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

my wife of 12 years has been talking to a guy on line for the past 2 years and then they hooked up this past jan. i found out three weeks ago. she was willing to walk out on our children and myself like we no longer mattered to her. i love my wife with all my heart. its hard to let go of the lies and deception. we both want to save our marriage but its so hard to move on. if i ask her a question she answers it but dont offer anything up unless i ask her.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: HELL
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Hi...

My first question is...has she ended all contact with the OM?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196506 | Registered: May 2002
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but you're in the right place.

Your wife has to give you complete transparency. She must give you all her passwords, give you access to her phone and email. Everything. If she won't give you any more information other than what you ask try asking her for a complete timeline. Tell her you want each and every detail (or as much as you're able to handle) written out.

This is going to be a long rollercoaster ride for you. For your sake, I hope she shows you sincere remorse and does all the hard work needed so you can heal from this.

Welcome to the board.

Also, read through the healing library in the upper left corner in the yellow box. There is a TON of great information there.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 1:22 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5832 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
madscotsman419
New Member
Member # 39538
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

thank you for the input. i first found out in jan of 2011. she was talkin to him on fb. she swore then that it was done and over with. i knew something was wrong in my marriage but didnt kno what or how bad it really was. she set up a new email just for him. they exchanged over 3000 emails in the past 2 yrs. now she wants me to believe its really done and over with for good with him. how do i know??????

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: HELL
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Do you have access to her email accounts?


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5832 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

100% transparency. That's got to be your requirement.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1232 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
madscotsman419
New Member
Member # 39538
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

i have access to nothing her life is password protected. she claims she needs her privacy.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: HELL
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

madscotsman419 - You should read some of the stuf on the Healing Library. There's some suggestions that would help your R.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1232 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

No, what she's claiming she needs is SECRECY. Not privacy. Privacy is when you close the bathroom door while you use the toilet. Secrecy is what she's doing, keeping information from you.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9305 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

^^^THIS^^^

Im sorry..but she is still cheating. Put a keylogger on her computer(as long as it's not work issued). You'll probably have confirmation she is still having the affair within 24 hours.

Im sorry.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7142 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Posting here is a good place to start. For me, R is only possibility definitely not a sure thing because we're both going to marriage counselling and independent counselling.

Sorry, at nearly four months from d-day that's all I have for you.

Stay strong.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 506 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Gipper
Member
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

What Nature_Girl said. My WW did this as well. Buckle up, friend.

Posts: 717 | Registered: May 2011
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

i have access to nothing her life is password protected. she claims she needs her privacy.

She has shown you what she does with her "privacy." She chose to break her vows to you, now she needs to give you her passwords. Otherwise it's a fairly safe assumption that she is still in contact with her OM.

Get a keylogger for the computer. At this point I feel that will be your only option to get the information you need.

She is not showing you remorse at this point.

(((HUGS)))

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 2:40 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5832 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

You cannot even begin to fix/repair your marriage because your marriage is broken. It is possible that you may find a way to reconcile, but if you do you'll be creating a new relationship, essentially, with different expectations & responsibilities. You cannot and should not pretend nothing happened or act as if everything is wonderful. That's just denial & rug-sweeping, and it won't get you anywhere. Well, maybe it will get you a few more years down the road before you discover more infidelity on her part.

For now there needs to be total, brutal openness & transparency on the part of your wife. You, the BS, cannot begin to know if you can forgive her or if you even want to try to reconcile if you don't know exactly what's happened. How can you work on what you don't know is wrong? How can she fix herself if she won't admit what's wrong with her?

Something else: cheaters lie. They lie, they lie, they lie. We had a discussion here not too long ago about the bald-faced lying and lengths of deception our WS's went to in order to keep us BS's in the dark. We've watched as our WS's looked us right in the eyes and sworn on our children's lives that there's no cheating going on. Or that we know all there is to know. Our WS's have sobbed & drooled & blown lots of snot into tissues as they acted like remorseful spouses who only want another chance. Only, of course, they were lying. None of it was true. Or only a tiny bit was true, but left the rest of it a lie. So please don't automatically believe anything, ANYTHING, your wife tells you about her state of mind, desire to reconcile, or the lack of an ongoing relationship with another man (or heck, another woman). You need to gather your own information and come to your own conclusions.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9305 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
callmecrazy
Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

In a healthy marriage, privacy is for pooping and less than desirable physical issues (hiding a pimple on the butt...plucking hairs that shouldn't be where they r, not trimming up the south of the border in front of eachother) Thats it. Period. End of Story. And...even those are not always private.
She needs to let go of her privacy a/k/a secrets. How can she expect you to be okay w that...she had privacy, she lost that right.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 15