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Reconciliation
User Topic: After 5 years she contacted him
Monkey
Member
Member # 20381
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

It was DD on Monday. She sent him an email telling him that she still thought of him and that she had got married.
I intercepted the message and replied pretending to be him. I gave her both barrels! I was not kind and don't think she will contact him again.
The problem is I can't stop thinking about it again. We have been so happy lately with the birth of our daughter but that sick feeling has returned.
I guess she did it to cause trouble and she has caused trouble within my mind.
I hope it will go away agin in a few days.
My husband says it is nothing to do with him now and it should not affect our reconciliation.
What do you think?


Me BS 36
Him FWH 38
First child born 2012
Married since Sept 2005
D Day 10 June 2008
5 week PA and Internet chat long distance
He just did it for sex

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: UK
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I think your WH is right..it has nothing to do with who he is now..and it shouldn't affect your reconciliation.

That being said,it *does* affect YOU...and that's normal,I would think. And I think your WH needs to be reminded that even though R is going well,you still bare the scars...and those scars need to be tended to.

((((Monkey))))


Edited: Because my mind knows to capitalize certain letters. My fingers? Not so much.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:32 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7314 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I've said this a few times here, but my IC said that the M will always have a scar, and even 15 years from now something may pull at it. This is an obvious trigger and your response is normal.

That said, I would suggest finding something fun to do with your H to change the focus.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Monkey - I don't blame you at all. I'd be freaking out if OM would send an e-mail like that to my W. You did the right thing.

I'd be thinking my W would re-open that part of her life and would be tempted to talk to the OM. Even though that may not be the case, that's what my mind would be telling me. huh! I feel you.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Monkey
Member
Member # 20381
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Thanks guys. I don't get too many triggers these days and I would say I am over it mostly but this was mean of her. At least I know he maintained nc!
I told her she must be miserable if she just got married and was thinking about my husband and to work on her own happiness. In the intervening years she got divorced too. I feel sorry for her new husband. He must have no idea
I am sure I'll be fine again soon. Little one doesn't give me time to dwell which is a good thing!!
Thanks for the advice all.

(((All)))


Me BS 36
Him FWH 38
First child born 2012
Married since Sept 2005
D Day 10 June 2008
5 week PA and Internet chat long distance
He just did it for sex

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: UK
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Wow. I wonder how this former OW would feel if you had sent her message to her new H.

I don't blame you for being angry. Some people are very self-centred.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
LoveActually
Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Wow--after 5 years! It's stories like these that confirm the fact that I will continue to do my "security sweeps" probably for years longer. I am 4yrs out and I am not afraid one tiny bit that he will contact her, but I could see her doing what the OW in your case did. Maybe that's why I continue to keep a look out. You handled it exactly as I would have. You have every right to feel anxious--I'm sure it drudged up all those horrible feelings. Just make sure your husband knows how this has triggered you and that he needs to offer you support and whatever you need to feel safe again.


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 768 | Registered: Jan 2011
Monkey
Member
Member # 20381
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

It's horrible isn't it? Monitoring my FWH emails and messages is second nature now. I wonder if he wold have told me about it if he had of seen it first?
See, there i go again and all because of a spiteful troublemaker. It makes me so angry!
Oh well, at least I got my chance to tell her some home truths. I've been waiting to do that for 5 years lol!!
Closure at last


Me BS 36
Him FWH 38
First child born 2012
Married since Sept 2005
D Day 10 June 2008
5 week PA and Internet chat long distance
He just did it for sex

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: UK
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I guess she still believes in the fantasy. She can go on like that for decades. She needs to get a life.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Hi Monkey

Yes, I would be freaking out too. That is ridiculous. What is her deal? Obviously she isn't too happy or why would she be trying to initiate contact. She wants to see if she can wiggle her way back in his life.

Kudos to your husband for not biting.

Don't let her get to you. She doesn't deserve your time or your agnst.

Good for you for telling her off.

Keep focus on what is happening NOW with you and your husband and focus on your baby. All positive.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
standingonmarble
Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Was she warned that if she contacted again that it would be forwarded to her new hubby? I hope you put her on notice.'

I wish the scars went away completely.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

(((Monkey))) So sorry for the pain this caused you.

In my case, the OM also went fishing every Mothers day for a couple years after D-day. My take...this is not necessarily a bad thing, because it shows that NC has been maintained. Next time I suggest not responding to the OW. I firmly believe maintaining NC is the best way to fight a fishing attempt. IMO, NC says a strong message that says, "you no longer matter".


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5640 | Registered: Aug 2007
Topic Posts: 12