SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
General
User Topic: OW still wants him
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

How to do I process the feelings about that???

It terrifies me that she is still waiting for him. He's not doing a single thing to indicate that he wants her. He's actually doing everything to prove that he wants me, our marriage and to never be the man he was. That is not the life he wants, he knows he's sick and wants only to get better. He received his "one month chip" last night!!

But just knowing that she's out there lurking and waiting un-nerves me.


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

Do you know for sure about this? Don't be threatened. Strengthen your marriage and it will be secure.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Beemer
Member
Member # 38499
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

I know for a fact that my WH's OW is still pining away for him... it's pathetic. But as much as it pisses me off, I really try not to let it bother me - the mantra around here is "I can only control myself" - if he someday decides that he wants to be with her, then there's really nothing I can do about it... and if she is so alluring that her ridiculous and pathetic attempts at wooing him actually work... then they deserve each other.

I know it sucks - stay strong ((chefj9))


BW - Me (33)
FWH - Him (34)
Married - 8years
D-Day - 06/06/12
Status - Trying...things are good :)

Posts: 77 | Registered: Feb 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

*sigh* The OW stalked and fished for my FWH for 8 years after the affair ended. (I didn't find out until year 6 that he had an affair. )

2013 ~ so far OW has not contacted or attempted contact as far as we know. Although the hang up calls from blocked numbers are suspicious.

Since my FWH didn't go back to OW for the six years that I wasn't aware of the affair, I guess I have it a little easier knowing that FWH doesn't want to be with OW. It didn't unnerve me to know that OW still wanted my FWH. It made me smile to think OW was pining away for my FWH and we made wonderful mind movies for OW to obsess about.

Enjoy the fact that he is with you, Chefj9, and that he is working towards a better him and a better, stronger marriage.

(((Chefj9))))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

Do you know for sure about this?

Unfortunately because she was posting it on FB everyday. I don't look anymore, because I KNOW it just feeds my insecurities, but she was NOT shy about posting her feelings. And when I was in contact with her, she told me in every email (as she was disclosing details) that he always had a place with her and that she just "couldn't believe it was all a lie". She even went so far as to mimick me, and my hair color and style.

As far as WH is concerned, she's a whack job and he literally gets physical ill when she's the topic of discussion. I don't worry about him as much as I worry about her showing up at my door wearing adult diapers and a hand gun.

Enjoy the fact that he is with you, Chefj9, and that he is working towards a better him and a better, stronger marriage

I do take pleasure in knowing he is with me, working on himself and us. It is such an extreme transformation that I see happening that I sometimes am very akward with it all. Our MC said that was normal, because who he's becoming, wasn't my normal before, that'll it just take time to adjust. Everyday is a tiny step forward.


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
Edith
Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

I'm not surprised. Most OW are a big bag of WANT.

Maybe send her a copy of Leann Rimes's new album and let her pine away. Your issue is with your H, and OW will eventually move on to some other poor idiot. Good luck.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 387 | Registered: Feb 2013
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

Edith - I actually thought about mailing her that CD, and several "self help" books!


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
Pudding
Member
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

I imagine that mine does too.

That's part of the pain they have to live with for taking our WSs in the first place. Every action has consequences. That's their problem not ours. If we are working effectively on R, our relationship with our FWSs can only get better and we will get happier OW is still pining, they are only going to get more miserable. I know which person I would rather be. Let her pine for what she can't have. Let her stay miserable whilst your relationship with FWH gets better


Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

I don't worry about him as much as I worry about her showing up at my door wearing adult diapers and a hand gun.
Yes, I totally understand this. OW in my sitch is a junior bunny boiler. OW stalked FWH/us. Showed up at weird places, ran FWH off the road, sent messages to him over the radio. I am very careful always looking all around me to see who is in my space. Very careful just walking out my front door. I am sorry that you are going through that, too, Chefj9.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

Yes. I have the same issue with OW. As far as I know she hasn't had contact since April, but I know she is still out there pinning away for him. She can't let go of the fantasy that she created in her own mind. I guarantee she would get tired of him really quickly if she had to put up with his real issues. All she sees is the guy that asked her to marry him, when all he rreally wanted was a fantasy porn sex life with her.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

The OW in my case told me "I get what I want, and I want him". Spoiled much?

Well, she didn't get him. He's with a different bar whore now.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7772 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
DecimatedHeart
Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

She even went so far as to mimick me, and my hair color and style.

Small t/j - but what is up with that? I have read that a lot on SI, and shortly after D-Day, OW posted a picture of a car she wanted to buy - the exact model and color of mine. WH has even told me that OP was 'so much like me' that I have wondered if it is intentional.

Try not to give her headspace. Focus on you and yours. If you WH is doing the right things and working towards R, then the hell with her. She is irrelevant. :)


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
callmecrazy
Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

Mines having a hard time with the rejection Im giving him with my coldness...yes dear, sorry I rejected you after you rejected our entire life for your "friends"...excuse me for not stopping and hugging while I choose to not give a crap.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

That whore can want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.

She can pine away all she wants. She's going to be lonely.


Posts: 3419 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Was a no contact letter sent? If her behavior is harassment, look at legal venues to take against her, etc.

Otherwise - ignore. Make sure your FWH has orders at his employer that he will not take calls from her or that she is not allowed on the premises, etc. - and the same for you. Sounds like she could turn into a bunny boiler (as in if you were out of the picture she could have him kind of way).


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

She can't let go of the fantasy that she created in her own mind. I guarantee she would get tired of him really quickly if she had to put up with his real issues. All she sees is the guy that asked her to marry him, when all he rreally wanted was a fantasy porn sex life with her.

I could have written that sentence. My WH also asked her to marry him (no intention of following through. She was also into some pretty deviant sexual stuff that WH WAS NOT into. But as a SA, he couldn't walk away. I'm reading about that, trying to wrap my head around that part....

Small t/j - but what is up with that? I have read that a lot on SI
It was really bizarre, I saw all of this mimicking going on via FB (she's blocked now). Every thing I did on FB, she countered with a post or picture identical to mine. We don't look anything alike, we are very much opposites. If she hadn't stopped cyber stalking, we were about to get a restraining order. I don't know what she's doing now, because I don't look. It took me some time to get to that point, and there are days when it brings me to the brink of anxiety wanting to see what she's up too, but that's not where my focus needs to go.

Was a no contact letter sent? If her behavior is harassment, look at legal venues to take against her, etc.
Otherwise - ignore. Make sure your FWH has orders at his employer that he will not take calls from her or that she is not allowed on the premises, etc. - and the same for you. Sounds like she could turn into a bunny boiler (as in if you were out of the picture she could have him kind of way).

Yes, a NC email was sent. It didn't matter. We have looked into restraining orders, but so far we've not had to issue anything. But yes, she was on the path to certified bunny boiler, I think her friends pulled her off the ledge finally. But I also know that she was willing to leave her children to move to here to be with WH, so how far from the edge she is... who knows. But I could see her showing up. And I also don't think she's the type that's going to fade away with time. Just like SisterMilkShake.... this one is a cling-on.


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

if he someday decides that he wants to be with her, then there's really nothing I can do about it... and if she is so alluring that her ridiculous and pathetic attempts at wooing him actually work... then they deserve each other.

this is exactly how I feel. If he wants the loser, have at her.

I know for a fact that if I were to D my life would only improve.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

That whore can want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.
She can pine away all she wants. She's going to be lonely.

I don't think OW is a whore, but I do agree with the other part of your comment....LOL


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
Hunter23
Member
Member # 37574
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

The OW in my case sent naked pics of herself playing with "massagers" to several people, my WH included. I don't want to flatter my WH, but I'm fairly sure he's always been her #1 draft pic. I'd seen her flirt with him for years. Their 4 week sexting romp started when she whispered sweet nothings in his ear after pouring him high octane drinks and getting him polluted to the point he couldn't walk. Did I mention we were gathered at her shithole house to mourn the loss of her aunt, who was the mother of my best friend? Yup, that was when she saw her chance.

WH has said that while she's never said anything specific, he knows she still wants him. As if that weren't bad enough, her husband just lost his 3rd job in 2 months and now she wants a divorce. This should be interesting. Maybe she thinks this will be all my WH needs to leave me and run off with her into the sunset. With her 2 messed up kids from 2 messed up dads. And the 10's of thousands of dollars in credit card debt.

I worry about a lot of things with my marriage and our future. But not her. Believe me, she's not the girl his buddies would high - five him about...


Me: BW, 38
Him:WH, 40
DDay: Nov 3, 2012
Hoping to recover...

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Hunter23 - Regardless of what WH and OW have said, I'm convinced that one of the reasons she divorced her H was so she would be unattached and available for WH when ever he was ready to leave. It also afforded her a LOT more freedom to travel with WH and be with him. She'd never admit it, because it certainly didn't work out for her, but that had to be a motivator in there.


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
Hunter23
Member
Member # 37574
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Chefj9,

Your OW sounds certifiable. But this made me LOL:

I don't worry about him as much as I worry about her showing up at my door wearing adult diapers and a hand gun.

Although, in all truthfulness it's not really funny, it's scary. It's very encouraging that your FWH is physically ill at the thought of her now.
Sounds like my WH, who's pretty mortified that he carried on with OW at all. She's not smart enough to be a bunny boiler.

Actually, she's not smart enough to have enough money to get herself lunch. I'm not kidding. Her sister had to bring money to her at her hotel while on vacation so she and her husband could eat. Yeah, they didn't factor that in to the whole vacation expense thing... and she has 2 kids... I weep for the future.


Me: BW, 38
Him:WH, 40
DDay: Nov 3, 2012
Hoping to recover...

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Her sister had to bring money to her at her hotel while on vacation so she and her husband could eat. Yeah, they didn't factor that in to the whole vacation expense thing...

This OW isn't stupid so much as she is delusional. But that is just nuts about the $$.


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Hi Chef~
WOW.. she sounds like a real "treasure"...!! LOL!! I hope your DH realizes he dodged a MAJOR bullet...?? (helloooo!!)
This pining for someone else's husband business is the strongest drug for these creeps. I sure feel your pain.. been where you are and it sucks. The feeling of some parasite always hovering around undermining you.. Uggh, It's the worst feeling to know that some scum is creeping around in the dark corners of your life trying to get in through the cracks.. and hoping to pull the rug out from under you. And basically steal your life.. that's all they really want to do. Their evil egos feed on f***ing over other women. It's disgusting. And when they don't get what they want.. these (****)s are like big babies who got their lollipop taken away from them. WAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

btw.. CONGRATS to your DH on the one-month chip!! Is he really committed to this? Does he make the connection between his shitty behavior and addiction..?? (Not that it excuses it-- but you know- it's connected and all that..)
It sounds like there is reason for hope. Must be a huge relief for you. Now wait and watch how he treats you.. hopefully, this will be a real opportunity for growth and he will really come to appreciate YOU & the second chance you're giving him. That is NO small thing. And hopefully he will show you every day that he's a changed man and will continue to reinforce your feeling of security. And once this happens, the pull of the 'other thing' should start to feel less threatening.. regardless of what SHE does (which is just wither away, hopefully).
Is he going to send her a clear NC- or has he already? Perhaps you both can do it together. I know the popular opinion here is for the cheater to be responsible for the NC message-- but I for one am a fan of doing it TOGETHER as a united front. This way it makes you seem less 'invisible' and makes you more real to them. They may not give a shit or see it as a challenge.. but at least you'll make it clear how you feel and that you're not going to tolerate someone creeping around your life trying to break up your relationship. (Tell her to go find her OWN MAN for god's sake.) I think it's more powerful (and makes them feel cornered) when it comes from BOTH of you. Or at least- when he sends it, cc you also.

If you haven't done this yet- I would say try to do it soon- so you can NIP THIS SHIT IN THE BUD NOW. Don't let it drag on and on.. she will just keep popping up. It's essential for the recovery of your rela and YOUR peace of mind.
Draw the line and make it 100% clear to her.. coming from BOTH of you...!


Posts: 216 | Registered: May 2013
openedupmyeyes
Member
Member # 27871
Angry  Posted: 9:35 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

We've got one of those too. So far nothing for the last 2 months.


Me:53 BS
Him:53 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:35
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 765 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Is he really committed to this?

I have never seen him committed to anything the way he is committed to his recovery. He still makes mistakes, mostly in communication, but he's trying and learning.

There have been numerous NC letters sent. But when you're dealing with someone that's delusional, they really don't matter other than evidence that we tried to be civil.


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 25