Topic: Is it me or is a A the utlitmate eff you statement?
Member # 38924
| Posted: 9:58 AM, June 13th (Thursday)|
H said "we" hated each other during his A's. Correction, he hated himself and me, and sure didn't give a fuck about our newborn baby. I can recall him saying several times he didn't care about me...I keep thinking of all those times and keep putting the pieces together.
So, he showed me, didn't he? The ultimate fuck you action. I told him, "you showed me, didn't you?" It felt pretty good to say it.
Me-BW 35. WH-35,alcoholic. 2 toddlers. M6yrs T13. SEPERATED.
5 Ddays 11/14/12(NC w/OW) - 4/16/13 and another December 2013.
TOTAL 3yrs 8OW 1LTA (all W lied to)Both in IC/MC.
"What matters most is how well you walk through the fire." -Bukowski
Posts: 717 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Member # 30826
| Posted: 10:07 AM, June 13th (Thursday)|
I told WH on dday that all of his bullshit equaled one giant "fuck you" to me.
IMO,betraying your spouse is the ultimate "fuck you." It doesn't get much worse,does it?(God I hope not)
M: June 2001
Status: Currently in R..very happy with this *new* husband!
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Posts: 6100 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 27196
| Posted: 10:16 AM, June 13th (Thursday)|
Yes, it is the ultimate fuck you IMO. Our MC said that there is always extreme anger (expressed, or unexpressed) in a WS for an A to occur.
me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Posts: 6588 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Member # 23547
| Posted: 12:16 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
I don't know. It is the ultimate insult that is for sure, but considering my husband was -never- monogamous to me from day 1 of dating, his affairs were not anger related at all. Just selfish and opportunistic, not so much a "Fuck you" but a "Fuck you, I make the rules, I do what I want when I want...learn your place". That whole thing didn't work out too well for him, but it was not anger-based just completely entitled and selfish. I think it might be the ultimate statement of "Nothing matters more than me and what I want in this moment, nothing".
Three D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs and many OWs
Reconciled but ever watchful :)
Posts: 297 | Registered: Apr 2009
Member # 35417
| Posted: 12:48 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
When my husband paid the prostitute $40 for a Bj, I don't consider it a eff u to me - I consider it an eff u to himself. I don't consider that I had ANYTHING to do with it at all!
Oh, trust me, I was / am not perfect. But that disgusting behavior did not involve me in any way. My only involvement was to stay after I knew he was the kind of person that could do such a thing.
Remember, I said I'm not perfect!
"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
Posts: 1733 | Registered: Apr 2012
Member # 35215
| Posted: 1:10 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
My WH thought I was a big mean b*tch too, even though I always woke up with a smile, said good morning to him, gave him a hug, a kiss before work, taking care of his clothes and buying his toiletries. I cooked dinner and would often ask him to stop and have dinner with me and the kids (he was always too busy). I did EVERYTHING!
I will never understand why my WH felt so much anger towards me, but he did because I too recall during his A of being shunned, picked apart and snapped at. Then when DDay hit it was like an explosion.
I remember asking WH, "How could you even wipe your ass with the toilet paper that I BUY YOU, while you knowingly were fucking her?"
I am a fWS who had a RA and my A was definitely driven by anger and very bad coping skills, along with FOO and other issues
BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 17 years, Married 11
It's simple...Never lie to someone who trusts you, and never trust someone who lies to you.
Posts: 2173 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 25341
| Posted: 3:01 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
Yep, it's a BIG FAT F-U
Of course he doesn't get that though......
Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Posts: 2224 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Member # 38141
| Posted: 4:26 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
I've often told my wh that his chickie and relationship was the ultimate f u to me. I also have told him many times that I sincerely hope the damage he has done to himself, our marriage, our family and me was worth the affair. He really, really, really doesn't like it when I say that. Then I ask him if he has the balls to man up and take responsibility to rebuild his life, etc.
ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.
Posts: 236 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 37043
| Posted: 4:37 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
When my WH was in the As, it was all about him, all the time. He's not dumb. He knew it was a fuck you to me. But that wasn't his purpose. I was not his purpose, I was not his priority, I was not even taking up significant real estate in his brain/heart. Which, really, is the ultimate fuck you - indifference.
Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.
Posts: 659 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 39523
| Posted: 4:42 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
So what if he meant it that way! One night my hubby called me a little drunk and bragged about his ho'. He was full of delightful criticism up until I saw a picture of this chick. Hell I was fat but this chick was huge! He was so into criticizing me but when I saw how she looked my jaw dropped. After all the bull about me I asked how in the world did he get an an erection to screw her. There were plenty of jokes on my end and he would burst out in laughter and then try and take it back.
In essence it really didn't matter what she looked like to me but to he didn't want to be caught in public with her
I didn't sleep with her, my rep is still in tact. He on the other hand is a male ho' and they are a dime a dozen. He lowered his status, not mine.
Ha in his deepest depravity he used to tell me I could just leave. It's a new day. His biggest fear is that I may cuckhold him. I know my worth!
[This message edited by ifinallyfoundme at 4:45 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]
Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Member # 18429
| Posted: 5:32 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
After a period of time, when we have less hurt over the incident and we can look at it for what it really was, it may or may not have just been an eff u thing. In our situation, it most certainly was not. It was a huge eff you to my husband by him. He hated himself more than he had the capacity to love anyone, including me. He wanted to prove just how awful he was every time things were going good in his life... he needed an emotional self abusing fix every time life was grand, and he did exactly that.
My H's A's weren't about me at all. He was all sorts of screwed up at the time. I'm so glad to say, he is SOOO much better now, and healthier, and it's wonderful.
DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10
Posts: 3857 | Registered: Feb 2008
Member # 35971
| Posted: 5:49 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
This concept came up just this morning.
WH is offended that I won't celebrate our anniversary any more.
Our 25th anniversary he promised to take me on a 3 day get away. I arranged the babysitter. Didn't happen. He ran out the night before and got some cheap ($80) diamond earrings.
At this point he was on Match.com
Our 26th anniversary he promised to make up for what happened the year before. We set the date for the trip (7 days after our actual anniversary), I arrange the babysitter. I tell him where I want to go. The date rolls around... and he blew me off. Why? Because on our actual anniversary he was sexting with his girlfriend and planning their fuck fest which he left for 2 weeks after our anniversary.
I told WH that what he did was a nuclear F-you towards me and our marriage and our wedding vows. Why should I respect that date when he didn't.
His response: Why are you throwing away 25 good years because I acted bad for a short period of time?
Me: Because YOU threw away 25 good years when you acted bad.
I am supposed to still find meaning in the date despite the fact that he found so much meaning in it that he blew off our anniversary trip 2 years in a row, sexted and planned his sex holiday with his girlfriend on the actual date and then went on the trip with his girlfriend only a few days after when we were supposed to have been coming back from ours.
I am actually having a really hard time with this today.
Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
Dday May 2012
Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 33523
| Posted: 7:41 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
Can't say that I think XH's A(s) were. Think those were more about his endless need for approval and validation.
As for my RA, that was definitely a big fat f.u.. Not that he even knows, we had separated when I started mine, but I know and my intent was to hurt him at least as much as he'd hurt me.
edited to add: Yes, I realize that also makes me a shit heel.
[This message edited by Vulcanized at 7:43 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]
Me: BS/WS 40s; Him: WH/BH 40s (RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: free of the overgrown baby
"Silly hubbs, tricks are for whores!"
Posts: 394 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Member # 28108
| Posted: 9:07 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
To be quite honest with you the only time I would think it would be a "fuck you" for certain is if it wasn't hidden. The other's? Maybe, maybe not.
While the lies are self protective for sure, they also can be an extremely fucked up way to shield, for some. Not all, but some.
My affair, hell yeah. Huge fuck you but then again I told him a year before I ever did it. Didn't hide it. Gave him the same choices (of course he'd already exercised that option ). That's the ONLY way it would have worked for me. Otherwise, what would be the point? I wanted him to see it. Hiding it would have not had the desired affect.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Member # 39159
| Posted: 9:26 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
Yep. You are 100% correct. There's really no other way to say it.
But if it's any consolation, it's also the ultimate "I'm the world's biggest idiot/asshole" statement...
Posts: 82 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 34827
| Posted: 9:33 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
My ws said we hated each other and our M was over...news to me. Yes I considered it an eff you. He really made up his own version of our lives, just DIDNT clue me in until it was too late, he already had made the big dive into ow.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-22-12 discovered it never ended
OW..divorced slut who prefers committed men, specializing in befriending and bopping the fathers of her kids team mates
Posts: 3048 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
|Topic Posts: 16|| |