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User Topic: Please read this long email he sent me and our family
hurtyetstrong
Member
Member # 38372
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

I just confronted WH a little over a week ago after about 4 months of discovery and planning to head for divorce. He found out that I had looked up a lawyer asked me about it so I spilled the beans. I told him due to his emotional/verbal abuse, controlling nature and the cheating that I want a divorce. He pleaded for the marriage. But he only confessed to the sexting and phone sex. I believe there were actual physical affairs based on the data I have yet he's adamant nothing physical ever happened. He's currently on a work trip so we said we'd work on the marriage when he returns this weekend. He sent this email to me, and several of our family members:

After a stressful week of collecting my thoughts and hardly eating, I must say that youíre not far from the truth. Our marriage is at a junction where changes must be made or we can no longer be together. You made several accusations in your e-mail so I feel it is only right that I defend myself. I have also copied your parents because you told me that you tell them everything so they should now hear my side. Also copied is (WH cousin) who I spoke to from midnight to almost 2am one night this week, my brothers ___ and ___ because theyíre aware of what has transpired. I wanted to speak with your parents in person but I can no longer pretend that your family does not like me. My dad is also copied on this e-mail even though he is not aware of any problems between us.
I am also very unhappy with our marriage. I asked for a divorce two years ago and again last year because of what I considered an unhealthy marriage. I made concessions in order for you to be happy but you never appreciate me as a man. Since youíre bringing up the past I will attempt to give you a chronological order of events in our marriage that have now emotionally drained me as well.
First, while in graduate school you consistently complained about the distance between us and how you thought I was unfaithful. To abate that thought I moved to ___ and commuted 2hrs to ___ for classes while working full-time with ____ (50hrs/week). I did not resent you for it; I believed that I did it for the betterment of us as a unit so I needed to sacrifice.
Second, when I met you I always spoke about my intent on joining the armed forces. You persuaded me not to do it at the time- again, I did what I had to just to please. Eventually you allowed me and I joined the ___ because working at ___ renting cars with a masterís degree was underachieving at itís best. I loved being on active duty but hated being enlisted. Like I told you many times I would still be in the ___ if I was an officer, being enlisted didnít allow me to provide for my family like I envisioned. While at basic training, you decided to quit your job without informing me. We talked about it and I never agreed but as always, itís your way or I have to put up with your attitude problems. I moved past that as the sole provider for our family just to make things work. While I was in ___, I told you not to bring DD1 down there but you saw it as me wanting to live the single life and not what the issue was; which was that technical training is stressful and if I donít pass it I would have been kicked out of the Armed Forces. Even with you and DD1 there, I focused on my studies and graduated as the top of the class (Officers and Enlisted). I remember vividly that you called your mother while in ___, telling her that I was a horrible father and that I did not like being married and so on.
After getting out of active duty, I pursued jobs that would make me happy to no avail. As you know, I lost the job offer from the ___ because I wasnít released early enough by the ___. Then came the interview for the job in ___ as an Environmental Health Specialist. As you recall, I didnít even want to go for the interview because I did not like the job but you and (our friend) convinced me to do it. I accepted because I didnít have a job at the time and I had to provide for my family. I interviewed for the job and the rest is history.
While at ___ I was subjected to a slew of derogatory comments including racial slurs by co-workers. I managed to come home and try to maintain a sense of normalcy but it was still not enough for you. You always had an issue with something. Your bad attitude started to show itís self and I started hearing your mom whenever you would speak to me. Leading up to the heated exchange between your mom and me you regularly said verbatim what your mom would always say to me...Ē___, you are never happy wherever you work and there will always be something wrong with your jobĒ. Before the day of that altercation between your mom and me I had never said anything bad about you to my family. Actually up to this point I have never said anything negative about you to my family, it has always been rave reviews to my parents and siblings but little did they know that it has always been a emotional roller-coaster.
You constantly complained about my parents whenever they were around and I would immediately address it with them to make you happy. I constantly asked you to speak to your mom about comments she would make to me. Comments like ďWH; I donít know how hurtyetstrong stays with you, I would never marry someone like youĒ. ďWH; you have a bad personalityĒ, e.t.c. Your response to me was always that that has nothing to do with you and thatís between your mother and me.
I finally got the job offer I always wanted from ___ and making it better was that it would be right next to your family. To move the family to ___, I emptied my 401k savings account and let you keep yours. I sacrificed again for our family, which I believe I should, the only problem is that you never appreciate me.
I have loved the ___ job since getting it but whenever I make a comment that resembles unhappiness with anything at work it goes back to me not ever being happy. You and your mother have falsely labeled me.
The ___ recruiter whom I contacted before joining ___ continued to stay in touch and try to recruit me. Offering me a job if selected by the commission board as an Industrial Hygiene Officer, instantly making $27,000 more than I make now with free health insurance for my family and constructive credit to be an 0-3 which in a year and half (Another significant pay increase). Mentioning this opportunity to you was like speaking to an enemy in my own home. I tried to tell you that it was worth considering even though I like ___ because it is a very good career move in a bad economy and I could still return to ___ to make even more after doing 20 years Active. You didnít articulate your concerns and you just kept mute. You took it to your parents instead of communicating with your husband. You hate it when I bring up the military even though there are many perks which include the post 911 bill which guarantees that one of my kids will attend college for free.
After all this, I try to make it work. With that said I am not without blame, there are a ton of things I can do better but why should I make more concessions when you wonít change anything that I have asked of you. For instance, something as small as being presentable so when I come home from work youíre not still in your pajamas laying on the couch. You make me feel old, Iím 30 years old and in the past year and a half, I have only been intimate with my wife 3 times, one of which was when DD2 was conceived. I maintain that I have never been physical with another woman but I have spoken to other women on the phone, indulging in inappropriate subject matter, I also communicated with woman via skype. I told you all this, saying this was my way of at least feeling desired, I asked you to try improving our sex life but youíve done nothing. I asked you that so I could stop, the other women were all filling a void left by you. Still that's not an excuse- I'm wrong as pertains to this! I was willing to try foreplay but just because I made a comment you didnít like does not mean you should stop trying to convince your husband.
I am too hard on DD1 and I do yell at you, both of which are wrong but to call me abusive is a stretch. I have always been an abrasive man and I continue to look for ways to improve and specifically on how I raise DD1. My kids are the first time I have been exposed to raising children. I donít agree with the way you raise her either but I have never called you a bad mom. Instead even with my unhappiness I purchased gifts for you on motherís day and try to show you how much I appreciate you.
I have been constantly raising my voice lately at you because of your carefree attitude. If itís something that youíre not interested in, you donít make an effort to fix or change it. But once itís something you want, I am expected to follow along with not issues. Even minute things as hanging out with your parents, you and your mom decide when our family should come over and you always tell me at the last minute. You hardly talk to me at home; instead you send me an e-mail when I am in the same building as you. I asked you while I was in ___ for military training late last year to follow up on the ___ because they were ruining my credit due to what they called an ďover paymentĒ, you made a phone call which was not answered and never followed up again. Something as important as that was not a priority to you but instead you focus on helping your friend get ready for her marriage and your brotherís birthday party. You donít put your marriage first and thatís what I will no longer accept- I cannot be married to a woman that does not consider our union a priority.
You say I want to be single and this is something you have constantly told your mom, if that was the case why didnít I leave when we only had 1 child? Or before we had her? Why did I happily want another child with you? Donít forget, you pressed me about having kids because of your age and when you wanted to have them, I initially had issues with it which I conveyed but eventually agreed with no regrets. Being a father has helped my maturity and motivation more than anything else in the world so I do love my kids. Like I always say coming home to them after a long day at work always makes it worth while.
You accuse me of staying with you because I think a divorce is more expensive. Actually it wouldnít be more expensive for me. You have successfully portrayed me as a bad man with a duel life but all I have been since the first time we met was open. I always had problems with communicating my feelings, which ironically you helped me improve on only for you to stop communicating now.
If I did not have a parental guidance app on DD1ís ipad then I would never know that you were looking up divorce lawyers. Even when I called you about it, you lied to me, only to send me the e-mail below afterwards. I have asked for a divorce twice and I brought it to your attention first, you on the other hand spoke to your mom and contacted a lawyer without ever talking to me. You waited until I left for Chicago to start sneaking behind my back and you have the audacity to say you donít trust me? You know where I am at all times and letís not forget that I once caught you exchanging inappropriate sexual text messages with another man. We addressed it, I accepted your explanation and moved on, but for my explanations for my wrong doings...I always remain a liar.
I've been in ___ since Monday, working hard to provide for our family and you never call. You never even called me the entire time I was on the road from ___ to ___. You only called two days ago to make sure I wasn't coming home for the weekend. I asked you to skype me later on that day so I could see the kids and you never did. You have decided to keep my kids from me because hurtyetstrong always knows best. If we do get a divorce I will stay away and let you and your family raise the kids like you want.
I attempted to reach out to your brother for advice, I sent him a text saying...ĒHey bruh, call me when you can. Out of respect I will talk to you about what I think is best for me and hurtyetstrong. I am seriously considering divorce.Ē His response was...ĒDid you really send me this?Ē, I wrote back, ďYea, I want your adviceĒ. I called him and he forwarded me to his voice mail, I left him a message asking for his help on how to save my marriage and he never called back. Again, another example of how your family does not like me.
With all I have said as relates to your mom, I still think she has the best intentions but just needs to stay out of our marriage which I donít think is possible. She helps us immensely which I appreciate but she always belittles me. I love her dearly because she has been there for me and I have tried to communicate my issues with her because I have never been close to my mom so I don't know how to. Ever since our quarrel in ___ I have perceived her as someone who despises me.
Hurtyetstrong, like I've said before I think that you need to stop telling people outside our marriage about whatís going on and focus on fixing our issues. I need to change as well and do more but things will never work if we cannot communicate. I included my family in this e-mail because you have done this through out our marriage. I am a 30 year old man from a different culture, I have tried to adapt but I have a lot to learn; as a man, a father and a husband. But you never make me feel appreciated. I am always at fault and you always act like you can do better than me. Well if that is what you desire, so be it.

Even with all our issues I still think our marriage can be saved and not just for the kids, because I actually love and adore my wife contrary to what you believe. I just need you to be my wife and not the mother of my kids and a roommate. I remain open to your suggestion of us going to marriage counseling but if you would rather just get a divorce and not try, then I am now comfortable with that decision as well, we can speak to a lawyer when I get back this Friday and start the divorce process.
I'm emotionally spent but I'm convinced that God can save our marriage. Marriage is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

In regards to the sexting he accused me of - it was flirtatious texts between an old friend and I before WH and I were married. I apologized and since then I do not have have any phone contact with men unless business or they are family.

Looking for advice on how I should proceed when he gets back...


Me: BW (30)
Him: WH (31)
2 DDs - 4yrs & 18mo (as of May 2014)

multiple PAs

Filed for divorce May 16, 2014


Posts: 156 | Registered: Feb 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

I skimmed through it because its hard to read all at once. But I got the jist of it..he is bringing other people into your marriage because he wants to make sure everyone knows this is all your fault. he is innocent here..you're unreasonable and crazy. Everything is all your fault.

Fuck that POS. He is attempting to make this email look like it's all facts..when it's his skewed perception...he's foggy as fuck. He is trying to embarrass and humiliate you,AND take away your support system.

If it were me,I wouldn't bother talking to him when he gets back. I'd just have him served.

Ok..just read it all the way through. it's all "poor me." He is the victim here. WHY would he think this was your parents business?? They are YOUR parents. He has cheated on you and you turn to them for support and he is doing his very best to discredit you.

ETA again: He "actually loves and adores you." And how has he shown that? verbal abuse,cheating,and now this email to your family after he has been caught cheating.

I think I hate him.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:45 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7498 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

What, what a piece of work. Passive aggressive much?

If it were me, I would Reply All with simply the following:

"You had an affair. I did not. Nothing else in the past matters because you broke your vows."

This guy is a total douchebag.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17638 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

I agree with confused. He's trying to gaslight you and your support system into thinking YOU'RE the problem, because after all he has to do whatever you say or he has to deal with your "bad attitude problems".

What the fuck ever.

FTG.


Posts: 3398 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
luv_lost
Member
Member # 24621
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I agree with the previous responders....what a fucking narcissistic POS!! I'm sorry, I don't mean to offend you but damn, he is trying to justify his affair and say it's all your fault. He wanted a divorce two years ago....after a year or whatever, when he still wasn't happy, he should've grown some freakin balls and filed, but NO he had an affair...way to go there chump.

You deserve 100000x better than this guy. I'm so sorry you are going through this.


BW (me) 31
WH 33
DS1 8 yrs.
DS2 1 yr.

Anniversary 6/09/04
DDay 6/27/09
Wedding 3/15/12
DDay2 5/5/13

presently working towards...well i don't know anymore...


Posts: 155 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Philly, PA
losingmyground
Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I don't fully agree with the prior responses.

Here is what I see:

1. You have run to the rest of the family regarding the issues as most of us do. I was very guilty of this. He made a choice to be open and honest with you and your family regarding all the issues.

2. He has admitted to his EAs and is willing to work with you on your marriage. I don't see where he is excusing his behavior but pointing what he has needed.

3. I see him restating what he has asked for in the past. That is not a bad thing. He is communicating with you what he needs too.

If you want this marriage I suggest you set a reread this letter with an open mind. Really ask yourself if all that he states is true and what have you done prior to his affairs to fix them.

If you don't want the marriage then disregard everything and move on.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
losingmyground
Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I hope you realize that I am not siding with him and his affairs.

I am just stating that this is the ugliness that happens afterwards and an affair with force you to look at things you might not want to see.

This is both of you discussing your marriage. I hope things go well for you.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

You say you believe he had a PA based on the info you've gathered,yet he refuses to admit it. If it's strong evidence,I would be tempted to include that in a response email to him and everyone he sent that email to.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7498 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I don't read that he took responsibility for anything. Sounds like his bad behavior is all your fault, to me. Well, . . . your and your mother's fault.

Look, he send a message to someone that he enjoyed "hitting it from the back?" Really?

This is an abusive, blameshifting man. And, he seriously can't understand why your brother put him on ignore?

Keep on keeping on.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Here is what I see:

1. You have run to the rest of the family regarding the issues as most of us do. I was very guilty of this. He made a choice to be open and honest with you and your family regarding all the issues.

2. He has admitted to his EAs and is willing to work with you on your marriage. I don't see where he is excusing his behavior but pointing what he has needed.

3. I see him restating what he has asked for in the past. That is not a bad thing. He is communicating with you what he needs too.

Do you know this family and this man? I'm just wondering since you seem pretty convinced that he's being honest, that he hasn't had any physical affairs, that his martyrish list of hard work and the OP's complaints is true, and that the OP has "run to her family regarding these issues" - and maybe missed the part where she said she believes based on evidence she's found that his affair were physical.

What I see is someone making a huge list of how hard they've worked and how much they sacrificed to a shrewish and complaining wife. It sounds exactly like a WS justifying their affair and vilifying their spouse - this time in front of an audience of family members to embarrass hurtyetstrong by trotting out her complaints about him and his parents, as well as a discussion of their intimate life (while copying her and his parents!) while pointing out all his long-suffering sacrifices.

It sounds exactly like pretty much every WS defending their affair, only meaner in some ways. Calculated. He's clearly made himself the victim in this story.

Hurtyetstrong, i think you are going in the right direction by maintaining your professional relationship with your lawyer and seeking divorce until your WS can AT LEAST acknowledge his affairs honestly and without all the finger pointing and victims impact statements. Whenever you force the WS to look squarely at themselves, they tend to push back with a LONG list of grievances about the marriage. That's almost universal. This is what he's doing right now. When you don't cave to that list and still force them to have to look at the destruction their affairs have caused - usually only through continued motion in the divorce direction - sometimes they finally do look at themselves squarely. Sometimes not. But you are not in the wrong here. You're asking him for honesty about his affairs and you are getting shovel loads of shit.

I would stick to firm boundaries: honesty about his affairs and IC for his abuse, or divorce.

[This message edited by circe at 12:25 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


Posts: 3193 | Registered: Mar 2005
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

That was A WHOLE LOT of words he used in this manipulative novella....The real purpose of which was the last paragraph.

He doesn't want you to divorce him, and he doesn't want you searching for the truth. If you do, he will make sure that you regret it and that it is all your fault.

And you aren't allowed to tell anyone...only he is.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Wow. Rewriting the marital history perhaps? Has he always been allowed to blame his unhappiness on others?

He was unhappy because you didn't blow sunshine up his arse? Because you didn't take care of an issue with his credit? Excuse me, but isn't he a grown a** man? The email to everyone you know is a nice touch.

You indicated that you had evidence that it was physical. If I did I would be tempted to "reply all" and state that you appreciate him blaming you for all of his unhappiness in life, but if he continues to deny what you have evidence of that he should not bother coming home.

If you don't have evidence then it's a bit more tricky. I would be tempted to define what he meant by "inapropriate subject matter" means. I would also be tempted to tell him this isn't Leave it to Beaver, and he can kiss your rear if he expects you to greet him at the door, in dress and pearls with a drink for him in your hand. You are busy being a SAHM with a spouse that isn't around much.

I would also demand an apology from him for sending something to my mom that addresses her in such a horribly disrespectful way to other family members. He seems to spend an inordinate amount of time bitching about her.

He is definately trying to justify what he has done.
He is clueless. I would say go soo the lawyer, find out what your rights are.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8598 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

hi there...i am sorry you are going through this....i do like how you are handling things. good for you for taking care of you.

my husband was the same way. when i caught him sexting...he denied anything physical. i asked for phone records and he left home. we separated...and the whole time, he through me under the bus to his family and friends. he brought all of them into our business...simply because he didnt want to accept responsibility for his own cheating and bad behavior. he lied, and skewed the truth to make himself look good. and at the same time talked really bad about me...and how hard it was for him. he was deep in the fog.

when at the end of the day, he just didnt want to admit and take responsibility for the fact that he got busted cheating...and he wasnt willing at the time to do the work required to r in a healthy way. basically, he was a coward.

this is all very normal behavior for a busted wayward still in the fog.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 958 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

FWIW, I agree with losingmyground. I don't see what some of you are seeing.

It seems to me to be merely the typical situation where a WS wants to talk about the marriage (and hurtyetstrong owns her share of that issue) leap-frogging dealing with the A choices.

My recommendation to hurtyetstrong would be to let her WH know that she is fully willing to work on the M (along with any and all M issues raised by him) subsequent to dealing with the A issue first. Her WH's points about the M may have been legitimate at one point, but his choice to cheat has resulted in a new issue taking precedence. At some point down the road, the M issues will have to be addressed.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 870 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Do you know this family and this man? I'm just wondering since you seem convinced that he's being honest, that he hasn't had any physical affairs, that his martyrish list of hard work and the OP's complaints is true, and that the OP has "run to her family regarding these issues" - and maybe missed the part where she said she believes based on evidence she's found that his affair were physical.

I think this is an excellent question - for everyone. I was wanting to ask it of the people who assumed his guilt and shady intentions with his email.

What I hear in hys posts and his email is that things have been rough - mistakes have been made. But, if he is honestly stating that he wants the marriage to work, then I would hold him to his words - that is, if you want to.

I wouldn't respond to the email. He is being juvenille to write it and send it to others. Don't fall into this. When he comes home, tell him that - all games aside - either y'all will work on the marriage or not. Let his actions be his words.

I am so sorry for what you have been and are now going through. I too see that he is 'woe is me' in his email. But (JMHO) the tit for tat thing is not nearly as important as really putting it all on the table - and trying to figure out if your marriage can be saved.

I wish you luck, and I send you many, many hugs!!!


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
losingmyground
Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Do you know this family and this man?

No I don't know this family and this man. Never stated that I did. But neither do all of you. We are all reading a posting and responding with our opinions.

I'm just wondering since you seem pretty convinced that he's being honest

I only said that he is writing from his heart his part of the story.

that he hasn't had any physical affairs

I did not say that he did not have a physical affair. And if the OP is so positive about it, she should smack him over the head with the proof. But she has not done that yet, at least not that she has told us.

that his martyrish list of hard work and the OP's complaints is true

I did not say they are true or not. I asked that she reread the email and sit back and think about all of his statements. Only she knows if his statements have merit or not. Why do all of you assume that his statements are false? Just because he had an affair(s)? There were problems in the marriage prior and they need to be addressed by BOTH parties or the marriage will not stand a chance.

and that the OP has "run to her family regarding these issues"

Most people run to their family when there are issues. I know I was guilty of that for the first 7 yrs of my marriage. Again...I am not saying it is true but I am going by why he wrote in the letter.

- and maybe missed the part where she said she believes based on evidence she's found that his affair were physical.

No I did not miss that. As I stated above. She has nothing to lose at this point. If she has the evidence then smack over the head with it.

What I see is someone making a huge list of how hard they've worked and how much they sacrificed to a shrewish and complaining wife.

That is someone going on the offense without truly listening to what the other person is saying. Just because you don't like what someone has to say, does not make it any less than what they are feeling.

It sounds exactly like a WS justifying their affair and vilifying their spouse - this time in front of an audience of family members to embarrass hurtyetstrong by trotting out her complaints about him and his parents, as well as a discussion of their intimate life (while copying her and his parents!) while pointing out all his long-suffering sacrifices.

Maybe we should ask her if she ran to them since she started the divorce? In that case he has every right to tell his side. I don't agree with his choice to include the parents. It would have pissed me off too, but what is done is done. That does not make his feelings through out the marriage less valid.

It sounds exactly like pretty much every WS defending their affair, only meaner in some ways. Calculated. He's clearly made himself the victim in this story.

She is a victim of the affairs. They both are victims of the marriage. It does take two. Just because he had affair(s) does not mean that their problems in the marriage are all his fault.

Hurtyetstrong, i think you are going in the right direction by maintaining your professional relationship with your lawyer and seeking divorce until your WS can AT LEAST acknowledge his affairs honestly and without all the finger pointing and victims impact statements. Whenever you force the WS to look squarely at themselves, they tend to push back with a LONG list of grievances about the marriage. That's almost universal. This is what he's doing right now. When you don't cave to that list and still force them to have to look at the destruction their affairs have caused - usually only through continued motion in the divorce direction - sometimes they finally do look at themselves squarely. Sometimes not. But you are not in the wrong here. You're asking him for honesty about his affairs and you are getting shovel loads of shit.

I would stick to firm boundaries: honesty about his affairs and IC for his abuse, or divorce.

So once he acknowledges his bad behavior, when does it become okay to look at the issues in the marriage? I guess I don't understand that logic. He hasn't denied the EAs. He says he wants the marriage. He is opening up about why he figured the EAs were an option.

What is amazing is that none of this matters if she truly wants a divorce.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Oh Hell. I just read your profile. Clearly he had a PA,based on his own text about how much he "enjoyed hitting it from behind."

AND he is seeking sex with men. My WH was on CL looking for a hookup with a man(he got it too). This brings a whole new dynamic to your R. This man has not "only" cheated on you,but he has lied to you about his sexuality(I do not believe,based on my research and time spent here on SI that a straight man would try to have any sexual interaction with another man,unless he is at the very least bisexual). This alone is a HUGE betrayal.

I am trying to R with my WH. He is bisexual. He is also committed to being faithful. But it's Hell. Everyone's R is Hell,at times,and I am not meaning to imply for one second that R is harder for those who have had a spouse seek sexual attention from the same sex...but it certainly adds a whole shit ton of problems and issues on top of an already difficult,painful situation.

And...if you R with this man...he will need to admit what he has done as far as other men are concerned..and he needs to figure out whether he is straight,bi,or gay. As his wife,the very least you should know about your husband is his sexuality.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7498 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I *could* see where some of you are coming from, but the mere fact he felt the need to include everyone and their uncle (literally?) on this email screams to me passive aggressive narcissist. He doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy so he's going lay out alllllll the things that ever happened, EVER, in front of everyone. It screams of re-writing the marital history and attempting to put focus or blame on you so everyone just glances over his "inappropriate communications".

Honestly? If my FWH put out in an email to EVERYONE that we had been intimate 3 times in a year, regardless of truth or not, I would flip my shit. You just don't put your business out there like that.

FTG.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2024 | Registered: Sep 2011
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

According to Hurts profile, I think the issue that is of grave concern is that the WH here may be engaging in sexual fetishes that hurtyetstrong feels endangers her mental and physical health. If, in fact, BH has been seeking sex with males this may not be something that she can reconcile over.

His fault finding and blameshifting aside, can Hurts ever reconcile and feel emotionally, mentally and physically safe?


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

So sorry to be so stupid, but can someone please tell me what FTG means?


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

sorry, double post!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 1:03 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

OK, so I don't need to point out my stupidity!

Sorry for the double post! Make that a triple post!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 1:04 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

"F" that guy (or girl)


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1293 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Oh. Thank you wonderboy. I see now why it is always in all caps.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
hurtyetstrong
Member
Member # 38372
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

My recommendation to hurtyetstrong would be to let her WH know that she is fully willing to work on the M (along with any and all M issues raised by him) subsequent to dealing with the A issue first. Her WH's points about the M may have been legitimate at one point, but his choice to cheat has resulted in a new issue taking precedence. At some point down the road, the M issues will have to be addressed.

Honestly this is where my head is right now. It took a lot for me to reach the point that I'm contemplating divorce. But I feel it's only fair to my kids to give him an honest shot at working things out. However, until the affair(s) is/are dealt with, I can't see myself 'owning my issues'. I need to see some true remorse and transparency first.

The evidence I have is from his email, facebook and phone records. I hesitate to show him as I know once I do that he'll try to cover his tracks.


Me: BW (30)
Him: WH (31)
2 DDs - 4yrs & 18mo (as of May 2014)

multiple PAs

Filed for divorce May 16, 2014


Posts: 156 | Registered: Feb 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

slight t/j:

Im sorry but I have to say something. I apologize,OP.

Is it hard to R with a bisexual man? YES! But it really upsets me when I read members saying it is not possible. Please. It is not impossible. I am doing it. it's hard,it's Hell,but my husband loves me and is faithful to me. Fidelity is a choice. he is choosing to be faithful..he is choosing me.

I would imagine trying to R with a man who told another woman he loved her,had sex with her,etc,etc,would be incredibly painful..but I would never tell anyone it's not possible.

ANYTHING is possible if your WS is remorseful,owns their shit,and wants to make the marriage work.


My R looks very much like most SI members R looks. There are just different aspects.


sorry for the t/j.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:11 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7498 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

ANYTHING is possible if your WS is remorseful,owns their shit,and wants to make the marriage work.

Absolutely, and that is one of the keys to successful reconciliation. The other key is whether Hurts can accept what she has found and still reconcile.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I will admit that I didn't read it 100% because to be quite honest, the fact that he put all those people into a VERY private, personal, and intimate email concerning your marriage just BAFFLED me to no end.

Who involves basically every possible person in something that they have no business in??

As a fWS, i can tell you all he just spewed into his 'carefully thought out email to the whole world' was the longest most text book gaslighting email i have ever tried to read.

He's basically saying that because you didnt do/were/are/whatever for him, that gave him the justification to cheat.

You know what his email should have said to you and the world??

"Dear my loving Hurtyetstrong,

I am an ass, I know that we had a lot of marital issues but I weakly choose to be a selfish ass enter into the land of rainbows with unicorns that fart sparkles and cheat on you with Mrs. Glitterpuss. I am so sorry that I hurt you and I pray to all that is good in this world that you will be willing to walk with me as I make it my daily goal to make you happy and bring trust back into our relationship"

What he just slammed you with is "its not all my fault, you made me cheat"....

(((HYS)))


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1757 | Registered: Sep 2012
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

If we do get a divorce I will stay away and let you and your family raise the kids like you want.

This statement stuck out for me, and I really, really, REALLY don't like it. (I heard it too. He only means it until child support is being determined).

I don't see any good reason to say it other than to be a narcissistic/passive/aggressive asshole. He means it? He doesn't mean it and is trying to hurt you? He's shooting an arrow at your parents? For loving your children??

I can see where a wife could lean too heavily on her parents and that could be one of the marital issues, but to me that means she wasn't able to fully trust her husband, and I CANNOT STAND the lack of appreciation for a grandparent loving a grandchild and helping out where and when they can. And now he admits he doesn't love the children enough and just wants to run away?? OMG, Fuck This Guy up one way and down the other for all his blameshifting and rationalizing..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2249 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I feel there needs to be alot to discuss and worked out regardless of marriage or divorce.

Seems to me that you both have alot of resentment towards one another.

An A is not the solution and what he has done is a reflection of himself not you. That is his to carry 100%.

However, the marriage and from what I read has a history of non communication on both sides.

From what I read, he has tried to express to you his feelings to have them set aside when you would go to your family to talk about it instead of directly to him who you should of went to fist. Also, I would never allow a family member or my mother to speak to my wh that way. So, I really hope you have not. That is digrading and it hurts deep to someone who is looking at you for support as a wife.

Also, I don't know if some are not seeing that you have spoken to all the people he emailed. So he is trying to tell his side of the MARRIAGE problems. There is always to side to a story. It was not fair to him that you did that as it is not fair that he sent a email to all of them also.

This is between you and your husband not everyone in the family. They should be there to support you but not have a say in what happens.

I think you both need to really sit down and talk abotu what it is that you are going to do instead of this back and forth thing with everyone else involved.

He had the A, that is his to own up to and if you have the proof you need to share it. That text he sent speaks volumes. And no matter how much you complained or could have been the most shittist wife ever, that is no excuse to have an A.

However, like I said, I would not involve your little children or use them as pods against one another when one of you is pissed off at the other, and I would not let your parents be involved or disrepect either of you in your choice.

You two are very young and I really hope you two work this out. Best of luck.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012

Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong


Posts: 2731 | Registered: Aug 2011
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I can see where a wife could lean too heavily on her parents and that could be one of the marital issues, but to me that means she wasn't able to fully trust her husband, . . .

Butterflygirl, I think us BSs lean towards supporting other BSs, and that is good.

However, I think your statement may be quite a reach. A wife going to her parents, rather than her husband, isn't necessarily a sign that her husband isn't trustworthy.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

However, until the affair(s) is/are dealt with, I can't see myself 'owning my issues'. I need to see some true remorse and transparency first.

Honey, regardless, you have to own your own shit. It will not work if you don't change either. You can't expect him to want to change if you will not change either.



BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012

Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong


Posts: 2731 | Registered: Aug 2011
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Alphakitte...your post just triggered me and I reacted. I apologize. I misread what you had posted.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7498 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Alphakitte...your post just triggered me and I reacted. I apologize. I misread what you had posted.

No harm. I figured as much, but thanks for the comment! Hugs to you!


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Later
Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I can no longer pretend that your family does not like me.

My only question is, why has he been pretending that your family does not like him?


Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
JustDone
Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

If we do get a divorce I will stay away and let you and your family raise the kids like you want.

That statement bothered me, too.

I have been constantly raising my voice lately at you because of your carefree attitude.

This one bothered me just as much. He is blaming your attitude for constantly raising his voice at you???

I'm worried for you, hurt. He does blame you for his A, and he doesn't even admit to what's gone on.

Take care of yourself.


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2791 | Registered: Feb 2006
hurtyetstrong
Member
Member # 38372
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

From what I read, he has tried to express to you his feelings to have them set aside when you would go to your family to talk about it instead of directly to him who you should of went to fist. Also, I would never allow a family member or my mother to speak to my wh that way. So, I really hope you have not. That is digrading and it hurts deep to someone who is looking at you for support as a wife.

I had already decided to leave him which is why I opened up to my parents. The funny thing is for the longest they have noticed my demeanor and that I'm not happy and kept asking me what's wrong. I did not confide in them as I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay in the marriage. I do agree that married couples should have a limit of what they share with family and friends. The funny thing is, he complained about what I tell my parents, however he told them wayyyyy more than I ever did with his email.

I actually agree with him on some of these points. The infidelity is by far not our only trial to get through. However, I feel like he wants to just gloss over the affairs and focus on other issues. However I feel like whatever caused him to stray in the first place also plays a huge factor in our other issues. So I want to see him put effort towards fixing that first, and THEN I'll work on meeting him halfway.

I should add that his uncle used to beat his wife, his father is a serial cheater (recently admitted he's had several girlfriends throughout his 45+ year marriage) his cousin used to be physically abused by her husband and would have stayed had he not left her because she couldn't conceive. Basically they don't believe in divorce AT ALL. But I feel they have a history of glossing over issues and pretending everything's fine on the surface - our marriage is beginning to follow that pattern and I feel we're a turning point to either split up or create a better relationship.


Me: BW (30)
Him: WH (31)
2 DDs - 4yrs & 18mo (as of May 2014)

multiple PAs

Filed for divorce May 16, 2014


Posts: 156 | Registered: Feb 2013
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

A wife going to her parents, rather than her husband, isn't necessarily a sign that her husband isn't trustworthy.

I agree. I still think it's a sign that the wife wasn't fully trusting him, whether he was trustworthy or not. Perhaps I am only thinking of my own story here since I see similarities, so this is just based on my experience.. I think there should be a healthy balance of the wife cutting the strings to her family and the husband stepping up and making her feel secure.

If the email has truth, then I agree that there were a lot of communication breakdowns and perhaps not enough protecting the marriage (as in telling mom to back off).

For me, I think it goes back to our own families of origin and the differences in expectations. My family is very close and I had an amazing childhood. Him? Not so much, not even close, so perhaps I was leaning too heavily on my family for the right way to raise my children and not trusting him enough that he had good ideas (which turns out to be accurate in my case as I'm dealing with a second possible DCF case and lots of inappropriateness).

Perhaps his statement was a complaint that he doesn't feel needed as a father, but I still don't like the attitude of "Fine, I give up on my children." That would NEVER come out of my mouth..

Lots of hugs to you hurtyetstrong. I'm sure that was a lot to take in at once. I agree that giving up your evidence could make him cover his tracks better, and the last thing you want him doing is going further underground at this point.. Sending you strength..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2249 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Hurt,
So your wh never was shown how to treat a woman or a wife? I have that also. The men in my wh are the same pretty much and what is strange to me is that they were all raised by woman. But they treat woman pretty badly.

I did not know that it was after your choose to leave him that you told your parents. So now I see why you told them.

I still feel you two have a shot at it as long as he is forthcoming and you guys work on one issuse at a time.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012

Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong


Posts: 2731 | Registered: Aug 2011
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I maintain that I have never been physical with another woman but I have spoken to other women on the phone, indulging in inappropriate subject matter, I also communicated with woman via skype.

I maintain?? Liar speak for I did it, but I said I didn't and I am going to keep saying that. This statement does not say I never touched, would never touch, etc. I says I said I never did this how dare you not believe me!!

told you all this, saying this was my way of at least feeling desired, I asked you to try improving our sex life but youíve done nothing. I asked you that so I could stop, the other women were all filling a void left by you.

followed immediately by what I did do, WAS YOUR FAULT. And once you discovered the horrible deep intense betrayal his answer is FUCK ME MORE SO I CAN STOP GETTING IT WITH OTHER WOMEN?????

I am so angry on your behalf... Please don't read all that and think that you are in any way any where close to a conversation that has any remorse or hope in it.

And after all of the BS and chewing glass painful blah blah blah, he says

With all I have said as relates to your mom, I still think she has the best intentions but just needs to stay out of our marriage which I donít think is possible.

It certainly isn't possible NOW as he has included her and the whole rest of the world on this attack. IRONY much? He is an oxyMORON empahsis moron.

As for his text to your brother, this is classic isolation technique. If your brother had responded in any way other than he did, you might have felt betrayed by your brother. You would hear all kinds of "even your brother agrees that you are unreasonable, don't meet a man's needs, etc." Feeding his opinions to you via OTHERS that you should trust is classic foggy wayward behavior to justify their cheating. KUDOS to your brother!


I am too hard on DD1 and I do yell at you,

This statement makes me the most uncomfortable. How abusive is he truly that even his delusional double speak deny deny deny says he is too hard on a toddler???

Don't be confused. Focus on a life of financial and physical security with or without him in it.

oh, and his threat to "abandon" his kids that he loves above all else if you divorce him?? yeah, way to go dad. FTG. pitiful double speak excuse giving martyr seeking foggy fuckhead.

(((hurtyetSTRONG))) I think you go by hystrong, focus on the strong part right now.



Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5842 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I will admit that I didn't read it 100% because to be quite honest, the fact that he put all those people into a VERY private, personal, and intimate email concerning your marriage just BAFFLED me to no end.
Who involves basically every possible person in something that they have no business in??

As a fWS, i can tell you all he just spewed into his 'carefully thought out email to the whole world' was the longest most text book gaslighting email i have ever tried to read.

He's basically saying that because you didnt do/were/are/whatever for him, that gave him the justification to cheat.

You know what his email should have said to you and the world??

"Dear my loving Hurtyetstrong,

I am an ass, I know that we had a lot of marital issues but I weakly choose to be a selfish ass enter into the land of rainbows with unicorns that fart sparkles and cheat on you with Mrs. Glitterpuss. I am so sorry that I hurt you and I pray to all that is good in this world that you will be willing to walk with me as I make it my daily goal to make you happy and bring trust back into our relationship"

What he just slammed you with is "its not all my fault, you made me cheat"....

(((HYS)))

My sentiments exactly. I couldn't finish the letter because it was so offensive. Perhaps I am now extra-sensitive to gaslighting, the way some ex-smokers cannot tolerate being around cigarette smoke.

This letter would not fly with me. Try again.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9715 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

So, if he was never physical with another woman, with whom, or what, did he "hit from behind with?"

Bill Clintonish, or what?


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Please; read and re-read what caregiver has written. This email is a sociopathic rant. Even forgetting about the infidelity (just for arguement's sake), he feels that you've ruined his life, yet he wants to stay married to you? He admits to being 'hard' on your daughter and yelling at you?? That's a sociopathic admission of abuse.

If your sister or best friend were in this situation, what would you tell her? I would tell her to RUN.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20228 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Nailinmyforehead
Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Wow. I read the initial email, and for some reason I read it again. Makes me want to puke. Talk about blameshifting. I think he needs to strap a set on and grow up. At the end of reading the initial email, all I could think is that no matter how badly your feelings were hurt in the marriage, you don't cheat. Ever. period.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
doggiemom12
Member
Member # 36041
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Sounds exactly like my late STBX - who was bipolar, OCD and narcissistic to boot.

GET AWAY NOW. IT WILL NEVER GET ANY BETTER. HE HAS NO BOUNDARIES AND IT WILL GET VERY VERY UGLY.

Get a Lawyer, get half the money and get out while you can. This kind can become very dangerous.

Good luck.


White bird must fly or she will die . . .

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: in divorce land
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

There are so many things wrong with this letter, I don't even know where to begin. He basically shared with you, your family and anyone else willing to pay attention that he is an incompetent father, husband and lover who is narcissistic, as well as, verbally and emotionally abusive. He is never happy or even satisfied with anything and blames you for everything, including his own sexual deviance and willingness to abandon his children. It's all right there for everyone to see... Including your lawyer.

There may be men who have committed far greater acts of adultery but we all pretty much know the A is the tip of the iceberg. The lying, manipulative follow up is what causes the more long term destruction. He's upset over you saying he is abusive but he has proven he is abusive with this letter and doesn't even know it.

I know most people here would not have stuck it our with my WH and I understand why. I wouldn't recommend going what I went through to anyone. I had my reasons for staying. I'm sure you have yours... But, I think this letter alone is enough reason to divorce this guy. Honestly, I don't see anything there that makes me think he has redeeming qualities.

I am so glad you have a supportive family you can turn to. I hope they are all as furious and disgusted by this letter as I am.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 5:07 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1531 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

However, until the affair(s) is/are dealt with, I can't see myself 'owning my issues'. I need to see some true remorse and transparency first.

Honey, regardless, you have to own your own shit. It will not work if you don't change either. You can't expect him to want to change if you will not change either.

I can see OP's point in not 'owning her own issues' at this point. I had the same exact attitude. Sultan had such messed-up perceptions that he hadn't just re-written our marital history....his f'd up head didn't allow it to imprint correctly in the first place. So there was NO way in hell that I was going to even entertain any type of complaint that he had about me until he had a whole bunch of IC and a *new* memory based on 'true' facts, not the twisted-up shit inside his head.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8034 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Remember in the Cheater's Standard Book of Spells, Chapter 2, it covers rewriting marital history. It might be His Story, but it sure as hell isn't your history.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6494 | Registered: Jan 2011
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I can't tell you what to do. However, I believe your mother hit it on the head a long time ago when she told him he was never going to be happy at any job. He's also never going to be happy with any wife. He doesn't take any responsibility for anything he does from his work ethic right down to his relationship. Everything is always someone else's fault or, when he does accept that he did it, someone else drove him to it.

My experience is that someone who is always looking for someone else to blame always finds someone. And because he can't actually accept real responsibility, he can't feel real remorse. I believe reconciliation is beyond difficult with someone like that.

His email doesn't require a response. His family members will take his side (after all, failure to take responsibility usually comes from a family that doesn't make you take responsibility). Yours will probably take your side. That's the way it goes with family. The ones who side with you will see his email for what it is. The smartest ones (for example, your brother) will ignore and take no side.

Your marriage is between the two of you. As long as there is no interference, there is nothing wrong with confiding in your family. If they can't resist actually getting involved, they shouldn't be confided in.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4102 | Registered: Sep 2005
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, June 13th (Thursday)


You always
You never
It always.....
You constantly
I never

These seem to be his favorite phrases and he sums up each point using them. That alone would send me running for the hills.


It serves a manipulative purpose....to put you on the defensive, to make you feel responsible for his problem and to make others feel sorry for him.

I don't know how you could R with NEVER and ALWAYS and if all his points were true (which I am certain they are not, based on his word choices) why would he want to R with someone like you who...Never, always does things the way he wants or needs?

I'd spend a good long while healing myself. I would not even entertain any ideas of a future with him unless he spends a good long while making steady progress in IC.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Reality
Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Oh. One of THOSE letters. Yep, I agree with the analysis that -

1. If he wanted to truly communicate with YOU, he would have emailed just you. This way, he's talking AT you and grandstanding. The only reason he copied it to everyone was to start his campaign of trying to discredit you. This looks a whole lot like NPD-ish gaslight-y behavior.

2. He references abusive behavior - the yelling, the willingness to abandon everyone if it doesn't go his way, the admitting contacting other women - but only does so to make it your fault. I don't see any remorse or taking responsibility for what he's done.

People that build their lives through a structure of lies tend to buy into their own deceit. They spend so much time justifying and shoring up that wobbly structure, they're quick to snap and punish anyone who threatens stability. It's always someone else's fault that made that structure start to tip.

Don't buy into it, too. I understand wanting to look for the best (I hold the Guinness World Record), but he's not saying "Yeah, I screwed up." He's saying "You made me screw up and it's all your fault."


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

So there was NO way in hell that I was going to even entertain any type of complaint that he had about me until he had a whole bunch of IC and a *new* memory based on 'true' facts, not the twisted-up shit inside his head.

Yep. I'm owning my own shit, now that I'm away from that NPD, gas lighting, blame shifting abusive asshole and can actually figure out what my own shit is without him clouding everything with his manipulation..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2249 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Yep. I'm owning my own shit, now that I'm away from that NPD, gas lighting, blame shifting abusive asshole and can actually figure out what my own shit is without him clouding everything with his manipulation..

Amen to that, Sister!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9715 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Reality
Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

/signed to both ButterflyGirl and Nature_Girl.

Funny how things start making sense when the gaslighting is revealed as the self serving bullcrap it is.

And it's a lot easier to own your own than take the fall for all of theirs.

[This message edited by Reality at 4:50 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Yep. I'm owning my own shit, now that I'm away from that NPD, gas lighting, blame shifting abusive asshole and can actually figure out what my own shit is without him clouding everything with his manipulation..

It makes the pile of shit a hell of a lot smaller, don't it?

(Sorry-not really funny, but mine is like that too.- )


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

That he sent this email not only to you, but to others, is unconscionable. He took your concerns, pretty much mocked them, and wrote a PUBLIC "response" in which he showed himself to be a score-keeping blameshifter. I agree that it's a sociopathic rant. I have a personality-disordered husband with strong antisocial (sociopathic) traits--and I see an awful lot of him in this letter.

Honestly, if my husband did this to me----involved so many people in an issue the surface of which we had not yet scratched---in an effort to deflect attention (because now you'll be managing everyone else's responses rather than getting the answers you need)---I would tell him not to come home.

I would go NC except for kids and finances, and I would work on healing myself. I'd assume he had no intention of addressing my concerns, or working toward R, since his intention now seems to be blowing it up in a MAJOR fashion.

For me, one of the hardest things about infidelity was the private stuff about me that my husband shared with others. Real or not. It was an enormous violation----and I think this email ranks right up there with that.

This was a betrayal.

If you had any questions about the lengths to which he will go to cover his ass at your expense, I think they've been very amply answered with this missive.

Millions of hugs to you. You must be beside yourself.

[This message edited by solus sto at 5:05 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8728 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I read this hours ago, read the first page of replies, re-read it, and then just repeated the process again, to make sure my impression was correct / that I stand by it.

This guy is a sociopath. Or, okay, fine, I'm not a psychiatrist, but he at least has sociopathic tendencies.

He TEXTED your BROTHER when he was thinking about divorcing you??? Excuse me???

And YOU bring your family into the marriage too much, yet he just sent a three-page missive to everyone detailing all of his complaints??

What planet, exactly, does this guy hail from? What the hell?

Okay, yes, marital/relationship issues are 50/50. (A's, as we know, are 100% on the wayward party.) But the fact that he keeps saying "never," "always," etc. tells you that he is exaggerating (if not completely making things up). Any detective with knowledge of statement analysis would read this crap, throw it out, and tell the suspect (in this case, your WH) to try again, because it is obviously a load of exaggerated & biased crap.

This guy needs counseling. INDIVIDUAL counseling, not MARRIAGE counseling, because how can you repair a broken relationship when you are a broken person?


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Okay, yes, marital/relationship issues are 50/50
No, they're not. They may be 100 percent on the BS. They may be 100 percent on the WS. They may be somewhere in between.

We're all 100 percent responsible for our own behavior.

But no, we are NOT always responsible for 50 percent of marital issues.

I have my own issues, but my marital issues? 100 percent on my husband. I had no idea they even existed until it was far too late to do anything about them.

And I'm not an anomaly.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8728 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Reality
Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Solus has a good point. The 50/50 supposition is that both people are working equally in a relationship.

But we're all here because that's not the case. In the email posted, that wasn't the case, however hard he tried to spin it back at her. If quid pro quo was cool, we'd all be having revenge affairs or other destructive choices.

But we're here trying to understand. Trying to get advice and have feelings and experiences peer reviewed.

Give credit where it's due, to all the posters who find their way here, and NOT credit to the people who chose the terrible things.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Ugh. I'm so sorry. This is really typical WS fog. He is blame shifting. Everything he did is your fault. You were an awful wife and the marriage was miserable so cheating was the most logical choice

Most BS get this to some degree at the beginning, it seems. I will say that he does give the emotionally abusive vibe. He wants to just beat you down until you agree that YOU are to blame and that if YOU work a little harder your marriage will be better. I grew up with a father like this - don't do it to yourself and don't do it to your girls. They will grow up with severe self esteem issues as a result.

I don't see that you have a lot to work with in terms of reconciling your marriage. I'm sorry.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

He wants a committee to decide who is right and wrong here. FTG. He is a big boy, he joined the service. If he went in as enlisted when he had a Master's degree, that is on him and the recruiter, not you...continuing on down through his rant and it gets no better. Whine, whine, whine.

Hon, serve him papers. This is way too ugly and only heading further south. Run.

[This message edited by momentintime at 6:02 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2982 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I grew up with a father like this - don't do it to yourself and don't do it to your girls.

Ditto. Except my father didn't cheat. Think about your children, please!


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
AppleBlossom
Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I would like to point out to this man that working hard and taking care of your family is what you are supposed to do. wife or husband, you do everything you can to make the family happy and well taken care of.

As to the rest, sure - I am sure that at some point he had some concerns about the marriage. The rest of it is manipulative, selfish, self serving and immature.

I am deeply concerned that he took the time to write that bumph and actually thought out a long list of people to send it to.

I wish you all the best with R.


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
hurtyetstrong
Member
Member # 38372
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I'd spend a good long while healing myself. I would not even entertain any ideas of a future with him unless he spends a good long while making steady progress in IC.

(Having trouble using the 'quote' function on my phone) I just got him to agree to MC, and have been trying to get in with a counselor asap. I'm not sure I could get him to do IC. More importantly I want to see some full disclosure about his cheating, splashed. With a dash of remorse. I have a strong feeling it will take me leaving him for him to de-fog and once that happens I don't see myself coming back...


Me: BW (30)
Him: WH (31)
2 DDs - 4yrs & 18mo (as of May 2014)

multiple PAs

Filed for divorce May 16, 2014


Posts: 156 | Registered: Feb 2013
phillygirl
Member
Member # 9078
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, June 14th (Friday)

I just read your profile.

Between the incidents in your profile and this letter, I think it is probably in your best interest to go NC and continue to look at your options with your lawyer.

That letter was damage control. He knows that his little game is about to be over and he panicked.

Soliciting sex online, especially CL is some serious fringe behavior. It is deliberate, reckless and dangerous. If he is seeking sex on CL, regardless of the gender, then you can safely bet that the actual number of encounters he has had is much greater than what you know about.

He has a problem.

I bet that someone with a problem, a secret life and desires that they must hide is not pleasant to live with. The stress that they are under to hide probably oozes out in other undesirable behaviors in the M - they're neglectful, they yell, they're unreliable, moody, they lie, etc. Do not take any ownership of any of these behaviors. It has nothing to do with you. This is not "your shit".

Honestly I didn't see anything in his letter that was "your shit". I just saw someone who was complaining about the choices he made. Everything else was bullshit, I mean really...he thinks that you being in your PJ's is a major enough offense that it needed to be included in this letter but him trolling for sex with strange men and/or women on CL did not?

Seriously FTG.

[This message edited by phillygirl at 5:16 AM, June 14th (Friday)]


Me - BW
Him - WH
Divorced - 7/2013

Posts: 825 | Registered: Dec 2005
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, June 14th (Friday)

I'm not sure I could get him to do IC.

You can't get him to do anything. He has to want it. And it sounds like he wants to protect his secret life, more than he wants to be a healthy person in a healthy marriage.

Are you prepared to continue acting as his facade, so that he can appear to be an upstanding family man? Since he is still protecting his "secrets" he most likely intends to continue partaking of that life-style. Otherwise he would come clean, and want to get help.

I think you need to stay the course, and pursue a future without him.

I think you should stick to your exit plan.

You can not fix him. Let go of the outcome...you have no control over it anyway. Don't serve papers in hopes that he will defog. Though that sometimes does serve as a wake up call for many.
Do it because you deserve to live a whole healthy life. Why not take control of your own future? You deserve to feel safe, and loved in a healthy way.

Right now you can only take care of you. Let him take care of him...and know that he may choose not to do so.

((hugs)) to help you through this difficult journey


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, June 14th (Friday)

That letter was damage control. He knows that his little game is about to be over and he panicked.

I dont know who said it, but its the truth:

He know's what buttons to push and when because he's the one that installed them.

he know's how to use your heart against you. He knows that you are a good person, so he's using that to control the situation.

MC is great - but my guess is that he will only play the game to make you think that he's doing the work, and then go back to his ways after you come home and whatnot.

He shouldnt have to be asked to go to MC or IC. He shouldnt have to be asked to no NC with CL or any other internet stuff.

Going to MC with an unremoresful WS is tricky and can be even more stressful topped with a waste of time and money.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1757 | Registered: Sep 2012
debbysbaby
Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 14th (Friday)

I triggered so badly reading your Husbands email. There are so many similarities right down to the military life for part of our marriage, the dissatisfaction with being enlisted, the constant search for a career that would make him "happy". Bottom line is, he was never going to be happy because he can't find happiness within... it has to be externally validated for him. No person can make another person happy and he made that my job.

I haven't had time to read but just a couple of responses so forgive me if this is redundant because it's already been said but this guy is trouble. I sense that he has always been this way with you and as a result has worn you down and created self-doubt and self-esteem issues for you to make it difficult for you to see what you need to do.

It reminds me so much of the type conversations that my husband would have. It was these type of conversations that made me feel like the crazy one. Yet deep down on some level I just knew it wasn't right and it felt like abuse. I've never felt like I was being abused by anyone else in my life except him. Eight years out from my divorce I now realize how terribly verbally and emotionally abused I was.

He used to these very type of arguments to keep me in the marriage for 13 years while he led the life of a serial cheater.

Your husband has actually taken it a step further by attempting to neutralize your support system. I guess he thinks he can influence them into thinking like he does.

I hope you will have the strength to escape this situation. I know I don't sound very hopeful for reconciliation, but I found all the attempts at R in my marriage just circled right back around again because really he didn't want to change, he wanted me to.

Your spouse wants you to see what an awesome provider he is and how everything he does isfor the good of the family. Mine did the same thing but the truth was he just wanted to do what he wanted to do and wanted me to see it as the right thing for the family. Looking back now I recognize what a selfish asshole he was.

When I read that email I picture my husband and let's just say I don't like him one bit.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 871 | Registered: Aug 2011
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 14th (Friday)

IMO, IC is absolutely essential for him.

I read a lot of manipulation in the email, but what mot sticks out for me is his pain.

I think he's thrashing around thinking he's done a lot of what he's supposed to do, but his life is still shitty, and he's simply at a loss WRT stopping the pain. He's blame-shifting, yes, but he just can't get himself to see that he's his own worst enemy.

He won't be able to be a good partner unless he deals with his pain and figures out how to change his life. He almost definitely won't be able to do that without help, and the most likely source of help is IC.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10166 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
losingmyground
Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Totally agree with you SISOON!! I hear years of pain, which is quite often the case when we are touched by infidelity of a spouse.

In order to move on, all issues must be addressed. Not only his issues that caused him to think the affairs were acceptable, but the problems in the marriage prior to the affair. It is all part of reconciliation.

It is raw and painful but better for all in the long run.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
Rise And Shine
Member
Member # 27513
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, June 14th (Friday)

That email was stunning! I know that you have a long road ahead of you full of serious problems with this man and for this I'm truly sorry for you, so please forgive my distraction with your brother.

...ĒHey bruh, call me when you can. Out of respect I will talk to you about what I think is best for me and hurtyetstrong. I am seriously considering divorce.Ē His response was...ĒDid you really send me this?Ē

Your brother thought his response to WH's 3 sentences was sufficient enough to send the message that he didn't want to hear about your personal business from him. Apparently your brother was wrong.

After WH receives brother's response to his 3 sentences, WH then sends brother a generous book in return! I'm not making light of your situation but I can't help myself from trying to visualize your brother's reaction to the email.

How did your brother and the rest of the family who received this mass email respond? It wouldn't surprise me if they opted not to respond directly to him but they must have given their opinion to you.


April 25, 2009

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Feb 2010
traditoperanni
Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Your wh's letter is very disturbing. I couldn't even finish it. It's creepy and very manipulative. Personally, I would run not walk away from this guy.
There is more going on here, he needs psychiatric help.
So, take care of yourself and kids and let him go. Hopefully, your family will see through this bull and support you.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 428 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
hurtyetstrong
Member
Member # 38372
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Thank you all for responses. I'm so thankful for this community because I can talk about everything with a neutral party that is not emotionally connected to my situation. My head is upside down and inside out, probably due to years of manipulation at the hands of WH. It feels good to be validated that I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do. I'm trying to be strong but also smart. I am a Christian and ask for prayer from those that feel led.

Again thank you all for the support.


Me: BW (30)
Him: WH (31)
2 DDs - 4yrs & 18mo (as of May 2014)

multiple PAs

Filed for divorce May 16, 2014


Posts: 156 | Registered: Feb 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, June 14th (Friday)

http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/ProxyRecruitment.html

The above is what your WH did to you. He's recruited, or at least tried, your entire social support system to back him up in emotionally abusing you. This is seriously twisted & malevolent. My STBX also did this to me. He recruited my own parents into assisting him with abusing me & keeping me down. He tried to turn our church against me.

I will pray for you, especially because you asked for it. My STBX used my faith against me. He twisted the Scriptures, plus my own misunderstanding on what constituted my Biblical "duty", and I stayed in bondage for many years. ((((HUGS))))

ETA:
http://storage.cloversites.com/abuserecoveryministryservices/documents/Couples%20Counseling%20and%20DV.pdf

I think it's important that you know going into MC with a partner who is emotionally/psychologically abusing you is very unwise. From the attached list the following numbered items were reasons why our MC was not successful: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 12.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 7:05 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9715 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hurtyetstrong
Member
Member # 38372
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, June 14th (Friday)

How did your brother and the rest of the family who received this mass email respond? It wouldn't surprise me if they opted not to respond directly to him but they must have given their opinion to you.

I honestly haven't discussed it with my brother as he's in the midst of a cross-country move. (Yet another reason he didn't want to get involved) also I had never talked to him about my marital issues so to him this all came from left field.

My parents didn't respond at all. They are just worried about my emotional state and want to make sure I'm okay. His family members reached out to apologize on his behalf but also to provide 'advice' - which essentially would have been work on your communication, you need to stay married, blah, blah, blah. I didn't answer their calls as that is part of WH's manipulation game.

Logically I know I should leave WH, but my emotions won't let me.


Me: BW (30)
Him: WH (31)
2 DDs - 4yrs & 18mo (as of May 2014)

multiple PAs

Filed for divorce May 16, 2014


Posts: 156 | Registered: Feb 2013
sammie
Member
Member # 7785
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 15th (Saturday)

Oh Hurt. So many hugs.

I got to the bit about being in your pj's and I wanted to rip his balls off. I really did.

I can only imagine what years of exposure to the kind of... (I am search for words that adequately sum up the level of bullshit and am finding it hard) complete and utter mind-numbing DRIVEL interspersed with emotional abuse and manipulation would do to a person!

You are finding it hard to leave because you are in a thoroughly abuse relationship and your mind has been twisted into knots. You are not thinking with the clarity and logic that can only be gained from escaping that kind of environment. You are still trapped in the toxic relationship fog.

Please seek counseling to help you clear the poisonous fumes enough for you to escape.

Huge hugs.


If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you.
Never give more of yourself than you are getting back.

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." ~Ernest Hemingway


Posts: 5818 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Australia
bestrongforyou
Member
Member # 25818
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

I didn't even need to read to the end Run as fast as you can. I am so sorry


actually this has made me grin a little bit as sad as it is "Hurtyetstrong, like I've said before I think that you need to stop telling people outside our marriage about whatís going on and focus on fixing our issues. "

Hasn't he just copied 2 entire families on this email???

[This message edited by bestrongforyou at 12:10 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]


Me(39)BS Him(35)

Posts: 659 | Registered: Oct 2009
Topic Posts: 77