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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Serving? Did you do it?
ssi0318
New Member
Member # 39225
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

So I'm new to this particular forum here, been in the Recon & other's...Obviously the recon part hasn't gone well. I've reached the end of my rope. Anyway, in the interest of trying to keep things civil, I want to serve her with the papers.

Have any of you done this? Any tips?


Me-BS
Her-WW - probable NPD
M 11 years, T 14 years
3 kids, all under 10
DDay 3/18/13
I'm not happy - Nov-12

Posts: 32 | Registered: May 2013
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

You need to get legal help--in some states, you cannot just hand her the papers--she would have to be served via a constable or other recognized resource according to the laws of the state.

Talk to an attorney first.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29475 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

I'm sorry you find yourself here. I think it really depends on your situation. I had my stbx served but my cousin just gave her ex the papers and told him what to do and sign. She served him because she knew he wouldn't do anything and basically had to have his hands held during the entire process.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
I FINALLY GOT A COURT DATE: 5/29/14!!

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Oct 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I had a process server give STBX the papers.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
KeepOnMovin
Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I did NOT have my STBX served. I simply had my lawyer send the petition and other stuff to her lawyer. There was no embarrassment at her place of work or whatever.

In the interest of keeping things civil, i would recommend what i did. My STBX hadn't even retained the lawyer yet, either. She had a free consult and he agreed to allow the papers to be sent to him.

Now, if the situation had been reversed, i'm sure she would have had me served at work or whatever. But, i'm not her, obviously. Take the high road.


Me: BH
Her: STBXWW
Married: 20 years
3 sons at home
Separated and proceeding with divorce.
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 186 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

It really depends on your situation and the laws in your state/area. I didn't have to serve STBX because we agreed on getting the D and were able to come to an agreement on terms in an amicable fashion. I got the L and had her draw up the agreements which my STBX reviewed signed and the L is sending it in to the courts.

The first step is to get a lawyer and have them fill you in on the options in your area and for your particular scenario. Just remember this is a business decision and you want to get the best deal possible for yourself so listen to your L and try to leave emotion out of it as best you can.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Sometimes minimizing their embarrassment can be to your benefit.

I had my WXH meet me at a paralegals office, we agreed on all divisions of assets in advance, I filed, he waived his right to be served, and then we just had to wait a couple months for the judge to sign off on it. Never even set foot in a courthouse.

If I had filed separately and had him served, you can bet he would have gone over everything with his family, lawyer-ed up and argued everything. Expediency was my friend.


Posts: 2973 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I divorced my xh not due to infidelity, but spousal rape. He had a choice. I could hand him the papers and he could sign them. The other option was being served at work by police.

[This message edited by jo2love at 12:26 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]




Posts: 30735 | Registered: Mar 2011
ssi0318
New Member
Member # 39225
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Thanks all. I should say that I have consulted with my attorney on this one. This is serving a petition, which I can do, rather than a summons, which would have to be done by a process server etc.

Seems to be a less "aggressive" way to get this process started.


Me-BS
Her-WW - probable NPD
M 11 years, T 14 years
3 kids, all under 10
DDay 3/18/13
I'm not happy - Nov-12

Posts: 32 | Registered: May 2013
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Does she know that D is coming ? If not don't bet she will be that civil. For some reason the WS gets angry when served. No matter how unremorseful or fogged up they are. One would think they should be happy being out of the M. Yet oddly most respond with shock and anger.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5434 | Registered: Nov 2007
roughroadahead
Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

No process server. The civ pro rules of my state allow for service by certified mail, so that's what happened. No fuss, no drama, just an orange slip in the mail box.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 707 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
hoya96
Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I did not serve ex because even after all that went down, it just seemed so ... antagonistic. He didn't even get a lawyer - I hired a lawyer (paid for the divorce I didn't see coming nor wanted), we agreed to terms, it was all very civilized.

Flash forward 2 years and he served me at home, totally unexpected, in his modifications suit. Then served me AGAIN 6 weeks later after change in county venue, which violated a statute in my state (because his lawyer was already corresponding with my lawyer, so should have delivered the documents to him).


Me: 39
3 children ages 9, 11 and 13
Out of blue ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man: 5/12/12

Posts: 276 | Registered: Jun 2010
ssi0318
New Member
Member # 39225
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Does she know that D is coming ? If not don't bet she will be that civil. For some reason the WS gets angry when served. No matter how unremorseful or fogged up they are. One would think they should be happy being out of the M. Yet oddly most respond with shock and anger.

No, she doesn't. But things have been pretty bad, so I can't imagine that she'll be suprised or shocked. We'll see.


Me-BS
Her-WW - probable NPD
M 11 years, T 14 years
3 kids, all under 10
DDay 3/18/13
I'm not happy - Nov-12

Posts: 32 | Registered: May 2013
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I finally served Perv after waiting about a year. I couldn't do it til I felt the rock-bottomness of knowing it truly was over and every avenue exhausted.

And it was one bit of control I could get back, by not waiting for a sheriff to come upon me in the woods where I live.

I'm using a very nice lawyer, after interviewing several and found one with empathy, a family person.

Perv kind of mocked me because he was moving around a lot and not easy to target, so he thought that was a little bit funny, at least that was the impression his message gave.

Where we live, it's done by a plain clothes sheriff and an address has to be had, which Perv has been hiding because it's Ow and he's protecting her.

I hope it goes okay, SSI.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

He was served by a process server. I gave him the OW's address, and had him served there. He was really pissed.



D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 2803 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 15