SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: The hard part of Reconciliation
losingmyground
Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I think the hardest part of reconciliation at first is realizing what lead up to the option of the affair. That is owning your own part in the marriage that caused the breakdown, not the affair.

At a year out...it is realizing that I have addressed those issues and now have to sit back and pray that it is enough. That I am enough. That our family is enough.

Also, knowing that if it happens again it will fall squarely on his shoulders. It will mean that he is broken beyond repair and I will leave.

What is the hardest part for you?


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

The hardest part for me is getting past the part where I feel like I'm betraying myself for staying. My WH broke NC many times with MOW and has not been entirely remorseful. I just feel really taken advantage of. I always put in so much into the M. WH ALWAYS put in the least. We did disconnect emotionally and had been struggling. I can see the breakdown of the M and understand how the A could have happened. What I don't understand is how I have been treated since DDay.

I guess we are in R because we are trying to fix our M, but it is a decision I have to make everyday.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

The hardest part for me is realizing that it wasn't about me or things that weren't perfect in my M.

If I ask my WH now, what could I have done differently to prevent this, because I felt like I did everything possible to make him happy. He has told me NOW (not in the past) that he was happy with me and loved me very much, but that he's an addict and it wasn't about me or our M.

I have a difficult time understanding the addiction (still learning). I am a logical thinker, and when I apply my logic to his actions, they don't add up. It's very frustrating.


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

You are enough. Please know that.

The A was not about you. It was about an inability to connect with you. And then choosing to find validation elsewhere.

No marriage is without challenges and I commend you for working on you and how you can be a stronger partner.

I too struggled with "being good enough" - my thinking well if I wasn't good enough before then why am I now? I questioned that for a long time.


The hardest part for me was trusting that it was real. That I was setting myself up to get hurt again if I let my guard down and started to trust.

It was also really hard for me to get past my anger. A year after DDay I was suddenly really pissed off that I had to deal with it all.

I was no longer scared of losing him or our marriage I was just mad. Mad that he could have done this and mad that I was still hurting.

Luckily the anger did subside but it was scary.

Good question. Good luck to you.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1224 | Registered: Apr 2013
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I'm with crazyblindsided - can't forgive myself for staying. Or, rather, I'm having a hard time accepting that I am accepting this! It doesn't fit with my self-identity, so there is a lot of slogging through to do to understand who I really am and why I'm making the decision to R. But, in a way, this is also a blessing. I;m getting to know my real self versus some outward/constructed self.

The 2nd hardest part is the risk. He's a risky dude. An addict (sober now) and someone who had two As. That is some risky business right there. But I also believe risk is a huge part of an interesting, fruitful life. Not to say I WANT this particular risk. I don;t. But I'm hopeful it is a risk that will pay off.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

can't forgive myself for staying

It took me a long, long time to deal with this. I agree. Hardest.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6582 | Registered: Jan 2011
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Hardest part is making the effort. I feel like SHE should be doing EVERYTHING honestly. She made the choice not I. I do own up to my part of the breakdown of the marriage, but it was such a small part of it all. She said it herself. In my case, it was an unhappiness in her because something is wrong with her (childhood incident). But yet, I'm left with a broken heart, pieces of a marriage, a broken wife and my very little strength to continue.


The hardest part for me is getting past the part where I feel like I'm betraying myself for staying. My WH broke NC many times with MOW and has not been entirely remorseful. I just feel really taken advantage of.

Couldn't have said it better myself.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1401 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
seekingtomorrow
Member
Member # 39068
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

the thing im finding hardest is that when i do trust him there's this voice in my head that laughs at me, calls me stupid and naive and generally starts to mock and taunt me. same voice often pipes up when he says he loves me (does he really, rubbish he doesn't or he wouldn't,,, and why should he your not special) when we talk about our future together (you really think hes going to stay with you now hes got his dream job and a good income,, pathetic) and when we try to be intimate (what couldn't find in anywhere else tonight then, guess you'll do)


D-day 1 august 1st 2012
D-day 2 October 31st 2012

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 8