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User Topic: Affair #2, my story
pw37
New Member
Member # 39544
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I dont even know where to begin but I want to get this all out. Very long story short... in 2006 H had a 7 month long A with a coworker when I was pregnant with our first child. I found out when son was a few weeks old. He said she was his soulmate. I calld his workplace and exposed the A. I called his boss, who had been to our wedding, to tell him. I called the OW several times. She seemed to get off on the drama. H agreed to do counseling for about 2 years and we agreed to work on. Open everything to rebuild trust, no contact with OW. He finally got a point where he was ashamed, admitted it was just lust, not love, and wanted to be with me. Through therapy he was encouraged to go to sex addict meetings and he did fairly regularly.

In 2011 I discovered a phone call to some sort of strange escort/prostitution service from a craigslist ad that my husband had called on sweetest day (that same day he told me that he would agree to try for a second child but he thought i should lose weight first). He lied and denied but finally broke down and admitted he called but didnt go beyond a phone call. We was so ashamed, so sorry. He cried, finally admitted to having been molested by a male classmate at school when he was 8 and maybe that was why he did this and looked at porn obsessively? He went back to therapy on his own and back to the SA meetings for another 8 months and then stopped.

I thought we made it over that bump and things got "back to normal." 2012 was a really tough year. Both of us had miserable job situations, money was tight, house needed many repairs. A lot of stress. We were both in a bit of a depression and pulling away from each other into our own little worlds, busy with work and raising our child, and zoning at after work and wasting time online instead of talking to each other. In Feb 2013 he was told he might lose his job. We leaned on each other and supported each other. I felt so close to him, closer than we had been in months. I believe the stress of it all led to his latest A, falling off the SA wagon and, I believe, just about hitting rock bottom. He got heavy into a strict diet and workout plan. Has lost about 60 pounds...spending a lot of time out of the house either running or at gym(textbook cheating right?). In May 2013 he told me he was unhappy, hadnt been happy for years, and didnt want to be with me. He didnt move it. I begged him to give me a chance. He said it wouldnt matter, he was done. But we continued living together, sleeping together and being intimate about 2x a week, sometimes more. I started seeing a therapist on my own. H refuses to go.

On June 7, 2013 I discovered that I could see which numbers he was texting on our cell phone bill and found out that in february/march his texting jumped from an average of 100-300 per month to almost 5000 per month to the same number form the minute he woke up until the minute he went to bed, pretty much every few minutes, all day long. I knew who it was from checking the number against his contacts...a 25 year old coworker (I am 37, H is 34). They actually work in separate offices but used to work together. I called him right away to confront and said I know, its over NOW. I called OW and left several messages for her telling her its over, it stops today, hes lying to her too, were still having sex often, etc etc. I wanted to know where they had been meeting...he confessed to going to her apartment once, and the rest of the times at their office building after hours in empty conference rooms. I messaged their coworkers and told them what i knew. I called both of their bosses and told them about the constant texting throughout the workdays. My hope was to expose the affair, pop the bubble on the fantasy, and try to get H out of "the fog." I also called his mom and sister. Hoping someone could try to talk some sense into him.

They havent been fired yet but I think it might happen. OW hasnt contacted H since June 7 as far as I know. H is punishing me for that...being very angry, cold, hateful. He says he still wants to be with her and would rather be alone than with me. He has been sleeping in the basement but last night I told him to leave. He slept at another coworkers home, a female coworker who lives with her boyfriend. I immediately called him back and begged him to come home to his wife and child. He is being unapologetic this time around. Not sorry. Not ashamed. I want him to go to a therapist with or without me and back to an SA meeting. He says no way. He doesnt want to.

So here I am. I desperately want to reconcile. I want to work on it. He has thrown in the towel. I dont know what to do. We have a 7 yr old son who sobbed in my arms last night because daddy wasnt sleeping at home. H basically has nowhere to go...says he will come home for son but not for me! But really he doesnt want to be here, he says.

I dont buy it...I dont buy the whole "im so unhappy story." I see this as part of his SA cycle and I dont think he would be wanting to truly leave his home and family if he wasnt so wrapped up in the A. I just had therapy yesterday and the next appt isnt until next Tuesday but that feels years away. I dont know what to tell me son or what to say to my husband other than "I love you, i want a chance to work on this, please." But he is pushing me away and I dont know what to do. please help :(


Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Oh sweetie I am so sorry, but the worst thing in the world you can do is to beg. Please don't do that. It will not help.

Get in touch with your inner bitch, and get ANGRY!

DO. NOT. BEG.

Have you been tested for STDs? If not, go get tested.

Read up on the 180.

Please take care of yourself.

((((Pw37))))


me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Welcome to SI, pw37. I'm glad you've found us, although I'm sorry for the circumstances.


On the one hand, your story is so similar to so many here... almost text book, and sometimes that's a comfort. To know you're not alone. On the other hand the pain in the beginning is so raw you're probably wondering if you're ever going to know the meaning of "comfort" again. I promise that you will, but for now you need to breathe and take care of the little things for yourself.

The multiple infidelities suggest that this is indeed a deep issue with your WH, and that it's going to take a LOT of work if he's ever to change.

The fact that you feel like he's pulling away is going to make you grab out for him. I did this with my FWH in the beginning, and true to textbook it pushed him further. That's when I stopped, or "180'd" if you will. (See the definition and instructions in the Healing Library in the yellow box on this page.) I took DD and moved in with my father, and it was at that moment that he fully realized the gravity of his behavior.

You need to stop trying to fix this - to fix him, and to start protecting yourself. Even if you don't feel strong on the inside, start treating him with the strength you wish you have and you will build it. Have a list of things HE must do to show that he is remorseful and willing to look into therapy, or let him know that you are not playing ball anymore. No more favorite dinners, no more outburst of emotion. Just business until you can figure out how to protect yourself and your son from his deceit and selfishness.

We're here for you, anytime.

(((pw37)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:48 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14750 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
pw37
New Member
Member # 39544
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Should I let H stay at our home??? Son wants him too but I dont know if its best. I want him home but I feel like I should set a boundary and not let him treat me this way and say that he isnt here for me our the marriage, only for our son. Is it better for my son to have him here when H wants nothing to do with me?

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

That's a very personal decision, but I think that it is absolutely ok to tell him to go somewhere else so that you can process what to do next.

I think that the key to helping your son right now is staying calm in front of him. For now, I don't see the harm in saying daddy's gone for work or vacation for a while. Something temporary to buy you both time. I don't think it's good to lie to the kids, but easing their transition takes precedence over abject truth telling at every moment, in my book.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14750 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
pw37
New Member
Member # 39544
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Thank you so much for the replies. My therapist suggested I tell H that I love him and support him and am here for him. But that I set rules, like NC, going to meetings, etc.

H just isnt meeting me halfway on anything. He told me he would go to a meeting to shut me up but not because he thinks he needs to go and not because he wants to go.

ughhhh. going to read up on 180 now...


Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

He told me he would go to a meeting to shut me up but not because he thinks he needs to go and not because he wants to go.

Ah, so he's still firmly locked in the head-in-ass position.

Are you able to say, "Oh no. This isn't about shutting me up. This is about you learning how to become a better person. If you're not into it, that's on you. Let me know if you need help washing your clothes before I pack them and put them on the porch."


It's easy to sit here and type "what I would do." It's much harder to be in your shoes. If you can start to adopt the firm, nonchalance, you will see him respond with fear or anger. Rest assured that this means you are regaining some kind of control.

(((pw)))


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14750 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
2yrs+recovering
Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

So sorry to hear this. You are young, take care of yourself and your son. Your WH will have to figure this out for himself this time. Get great legal advice right away and 180 as much as possible.

This may be more than he is able to fix and as I said before you are young, if I were your age I would not wait to start my new life.

He is not the example you want for your son. He is not who you want for a husband unless he is truly remorseful, and it sounds like that is not in him. Be strong. He has cheated too many times, and these are just the ones you know about

[This message edited by 2yrs+recovering at 1:59 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I was where you are. And I made many of the mistakes you are talking of making. Going to therapy with a spouse who doesn't want to be in the marriage is a recipe for self-torture. It will do no good. And DO NOT, NOT NOT NOT tell him you love him and are there for him. It's like lying down in the road waiting to be kicked, while he's in the state he's in. Read about the 180 and try and sleep, drink water, think about yourself and your own healing. When you tell him you love him in this situation, he won't hear love, he'll hear need and desperation. His head is elsewhere, and you need to protect yourself. I've been with a recurrent cheater and know how hellishly this hurts. Sending you best wishes. There is an end to this and a life beyond it.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 801 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
pw37
New Member
Member # 39544
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Oh my god, I am doing everything the exact opposite of the 180. Does that actually work for anyone to get their spouse out of that fog??? Also, Im wondering if my therapist isnt giving me the best advice :/

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Don't worry, I think almost all of us were in this position. As others will tell you, the 180 is about helping you get through this, not about bringing them out of the fog - although that may be a side effect. I do think your therapist may not have given you good advice. I had a brilliant one who helped me hugely, mainly by helping me feel that I mattered and to like myself. This is a horrible situation, and you have so many people here who know exactly where you are. It's a state of total panic, right? It might be worth seeing your doctor if the anxiety gets too much - take any help you can get. Sending you really, really good wishes. xx


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 801 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

No, doing everything the opposite of the 180 doesn't get them out of the FOG. doing everything right in the 180 doesn't get them out of the FOG either. Only they can get themselves out of the FOG.

Remember the 180 is completely for YOU. It is designed to give you strength to make decisions and choices with a level head.

People want what they can't have and shun what they can easily have. You aren't doing this to win him back but going out of your way to please him or continuing to do things for him comes off as weakness and shows that the status quo has remained in place. The status quo is the environment that the A's took place in so you have to change something. You can't change him so don't even try. He has to want to change himself. The only thing you can change is yourself and your own actions. This is where the 180 comes in to help you break the status quo for yourself.

By following the 180 you regain your footing and strength while focusing on what YOU want out of life. A side effect of the 180 is in some cases you are perceived as something he can no longer have, so it makes them seem to come closer or come back but if they are still in the A or unremorseful this is only temporary and once you let your guard down the asshattery begins again. For him to truly be safe for you he has to dig deep into his own issue and resolve them. So that's why the 180 is completely and only for you and your strength.

Take care of yourself, exercise, eat, drink protien shakes if you can't stomach solid foods, post often, and cut yourself some slack. No matter what choice you make recovery is a marathon not a sprint. I wish you the best.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:34 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
Reality
Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Your therapist is confused. If you do what he/she is suggesting, your husband will take advantage of it. That's the hard truth of it while your husband is all fogged up.

With him being not only belligerent about what he's doing, all he'll see is that he can maintain status quo with you without any effort on his part.

Your son will be okay while you gain some temporary space, to start. Most of us here have kids. Your son watching his father mistreat you is way more damaging than not seeing him for a bit.

180, PW. 180 fast. The fog is so thick that the only way to make them understand consequence is to take away things they assume are unassailable rights - namely you and your support. He won't care about your feelings or even about what makes "sense." This is about giving perspective to both of you by removing a false sense of stability.

Listen to me about this, and it's going to be difficult:

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE HE GOES IF HE DOESN'T STAY AT HOME. HE'S ALREADY CHEATING ON YOU. YOU'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE TO KEEP HIM FROM CHEATING FURTHER.

I think you being proactive and contacting everyone was a gutsy and strong move. But NOW, it has to be about his choices.

The 180 gives you protection from those choices.

[This message edited by Reality at 2:37 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


Posts: 289 | Registered: Apr 2013
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

If he is SA, both of you should find IC that are CSAT (certified sex addicition therapists). Go to sexhelp.com to find one in your area. Going and sitting at meetings won't make him recover any more than sitting in church makes someone a saint. It takes work with a properly trained therapist.

Even when they are working hard at it, recovery from the addiction is very difficult, and until they are sober they are in no position to try to repair the M. It takes two healthy people to make a healthy relationship and an active addict aint healthy. Many CSAT offices have therapists specifically trained to treat the spouses of the addicts. Spouses tend to develop some unhealthy coping mechanisms when faced with the addiction and they can help you gain your footing.

Even if he won't go, go for you.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
pw37
New Member
Member # 39544
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I can't thank you all enough for your replies. It feels good to hear some encouraging words. I have been talking to my mom but I really don't want to burden her with too much. She has enough going on in her own crappy marriage. Going to check out the sexhelp link.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013
pw37
New Member
Member # 39544
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

The only therapists in my area from sexhelp.com are 30-45 minutes away and don't accept insurance. Over $100 per session. Too much :(

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Welcome pw,
You have recieved some great advice already. It is a horrible situation to be in, and the pain seems unbearable, but you will survive this.
I would say that your therapist has no experience in dealing with SA, or infidelity, and it may be time to find a new one.

Make an appointment and see a lawyer sooner than later. This will also help you understand the what if's, giving you knowledge, and that in turn will give you some strength.

Be honest with your son, but age appropriate. Tell him that Dad needs to spend some time away because he is confused right now, but that he loves him, and that he in no way has anything to do with this. Kids tend to think that they cause the upheaveal in their lives.

Take care of you. Eat, sleep, keep hydrated, and love that boy of yours. It's amazing how much focusing on them, can help keep you grounded (it did me anyway).

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6631 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Our CSATs are not in network and not covered either. We can get reimbursed by our insurance at the in-network rate ($60 per session). It is still a lot out of pocket, but likely a far cry less than lawyers fees and setting up a second household.

We tried to stay in network with covered IC's the first year after diagnoses, but really it was a waste of time. Maybe see if your plan has any general addictions specialists covered, but sometimes the extra $ might end up being necessary.

[This message edited by JustWow at 3:41 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Does that actually work for anyone to get their spouse out of that fog??? Also, Im wondering if my therapist isnt giving me the best advice :/

It's been my observation that the 180 can be a fog lifting aid, but the WS does have to be the one to make the leap.

What the 180 DOES do is give you your power back - and they see that. Sometimes it's a bucket of ice water that wakes them up, sometimes it's their excuse to swan-dive deeper into being a douschebag. Either way, it protects you and means that you are in control of your reality.

I'm sorry that there doesn't seem to be many choices for therapists in your area... that doesn't mean you should keep going to a bad one. They may have flowery words, but if it feels wrong you have the right to get the heck outta dodge.

I've helped a few people with resources in that matter from different countries... you're welcome to PM me anytime if you want to brainstorm about local resources.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14750 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
pw37
New Member
Member # 39544
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Maybe I am misinterpreting what the therapist is telling me?

H just called. He wanted to stop at home and get some clothes and see son briefly. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. That son would only be upset more when he leaves and he doesn't understand. H said that we need to sit him down and tell him (tell him WHAT, im not sure?). I said no way, that thus us too fresh, H is confused and doesn't know what's even going on with OW (as far as I know she's not been in touch with him this week), he doesn't even have a place to go or know what he will do and we don't need to confuse son anymore.

I also suggested that he go to the SA meeting on Saturday and maybe get some advice on how to proceed, and/or see a therapist that specialized in SA to figure it out because I sure as hell don't understand it and can't help him. H's reply was, well im about 75% decided about going to the meeting. I was like well I don't really care what you do anymore but clearly you need someone who knows what they're talking about to help you figure it out.

So that's where we left it for now. I didn't argue, I wasn't crying. I didn't tell him I loved him. It sucked and I hate this :(


Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I'm sorry. It really really does suck.

You're doing a really good job. Sitting your DS son down while WH's still in selfish idiot land is a terrible idea.

(((pw37)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 4:51 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14750 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

You're doing great sweetie. Stand your ground. Don't back down.

Stay strong.

Peace,
PPGA


me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I'm really sorry for your loss, PW and I know the pain that is your company right now.

The experience I had is pretty recent but very much like you are dealing with. STBX flip flopped while he sought courage to bail on us and our marriage and then after pretending to reconcile, finally did bail.

He is unremorseful and almost resembles an idiot, for he can't fathom why he's treated differently with myself and other people.

I'm sorry for how your H is treating you and also heard those words, which still echo in my head months later. They were his struggle "to break up with me", as they say, but he was cowardly and shaken by what he had done, so it came out in words like you've heard.

What it meant was that he was done being married to me, done even knowing me, resented me and wanted out but couldn't handle not being in a relationship, so found another woman with zero standards.

I tried in vain to live with him again and learned the hard, ugly way that he was only pretending to reconcile, when he spewed those and other words at me.

What really shocked me but eventually made me face reality, was to learn the term "exit affair" and read all I could about it.

And to learn that it wasn't me...it's not you...STBX here also is SA and he was acting it out and trying to lead a double life and hide it, I think like your WH and I think there's only so long they can do it. I had to learn from OW who I think was tired of the boomeranging, which is a term used when a wayward spouse goes back and forth from spouse to other person.

I'm sorry to write such a long message and have so much empathy for you. At the time we were abandoned, I was left with a screaming, sobbing panicked child as well and let him back in 4 times. I will say that not letting your H back in until he comes to terms with things may be beneficial to your son and you, but it is a personal decision.

And I will end by saying that when he was back here or if he is at all now, it's just about unbearable to be around him, with all I know about the man...and don't.

I'm sorry for your hard time and confusion and wish you peace.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
pw37
New Member
Member # 39544
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Thank you for sharing that. I need to read about exit affairs because that could be the case here. I think H is trying to tell me he is a total mess, too far gone, will do this over and over, and for that reason its like he is totally surrendering to it and not willing to work on it anymore because he knows he'd be setting himself up for failure.

I did just email a therapist in my area that takes my insurance and while not specially certified ge did list addictions and SA as one if his prime focus areas.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Stay strong. Remember you can't "nice" him back. He has set his mind for escape and any niceness on your part only pressures him to move farther away. Do the 180 for you. When he says hurtful things try not to cry, say "I'm sorry you feel that way". Then disengage. Don't wait around for more comments meant to turn you away.

The stronger you are the more he will waiver. Currently he feels in control, that all decisions are his to make and you have no say. Let him know you don't have to take his abuse, that you don't have to take him back. If he decides to come back for you, not just for your son, then YOU will decide if you will take him back especially after two affairs and his bad behavior. Don't rug sweep his bad behavior. He needs to own, be ashamed of it. He will have to do the hard work, not you. But first he has to get his head out of his ass and want to come home.

Oh, also seems like having babies is a trigger for him, first A when you were preggers, now this round just as you think he has committed to having a second child. Something messed up in his thinking.

I also would find a new therapist. You can't nice him back, you can't reason with him. He is trying to make a break for it and doing what the therapist told you only pushes him away. Don't beg. He will only respond to you if you are strong. Weak breeds loss of respect for you and encourages him to think he holds all the cards. Disabuse him of that idea.

[This message edited by momentintime at 5:40 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2825 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

((Pw))

I'm sorry that you're here. Don't believe for a minute that he isn't talking to her. Believe that he got another cell phone, because its much more likely.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7038 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
pw37
New Member
Member # 39544
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I don't know. Its out in the open now and he isn't trying to win me back by any means. I'm not sure he would want to hide it. He's being so mean I kind of think he's want to rub it in my face.

But yes I know there is a possibility because he is lying about everything.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Listen now...educate yourself about Sex addiction. He's behaving in textbook fashion. YOU are the bad guy. YOU are keeping him from his toys, how dare you?

Don't back down. I have BTDT. Only the SA can get himself clean. You cannot diet him, seduce him, charm him, sweet talk him into sobriety. If he comes home now, "for his son" he will make you suffer.

I caved, I cajoled, I tried it all. The only thing that changed my SAfWH was his own choice when it was clear he was going to lose his family as he knew it.

Take care of yourself and your son. I, too, see an addiction specialist who is NOT a CSAT, she's very good and has clear insight into SA.

PM me if you need to...

Hugs.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
pw37
New Member
Member # 39544
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Oh my god you guys. Rough night :( my kid broke down at bedtime. He wants his daddy here. He won't sleep in his own bed of H isn't here. He wants to sleep in my bed. I said, buddy, mama doesn't sleep good when you're in my bed. He asked if I sleep good when daddy's in my bed. I said sometimes. He wants to be there for me. Its so goddamn sweet and heartbreaking at the sane time.

So I called H and let him hear our son sobbing and crying for daddy to come home. It will be the last time I do that. He got no comfort out if talking to his dad on the phone.

I am so pissed off I want to scream!!!!!


Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 14th (Friday)

(((pw)))
It sucks when they are so wrapped up in their own shit, they don't see or care that they are hurting their own kids.

My H was a total A** in the thows of his A, and he was out of town on work a lot, his A was carried out in this other town. I quit asking him to call and tell the kids good night, because it was so unfeeling, and clearly done to appease me. It actually created less tension, and made bedtime much easier for me without it.

You need to do a HARD 180 on him, you also need keep reassuring you son that this has nothing to do with him. Daddy loves him, he is just having a hard time now. (I know how hard this is).

Keep the focus on you and your son.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6631 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

What you need to do is file for divorce. Fuck counseling. Your husband isn't committed to going 100% and has no interest in saving the marriage. So fuck him, give him wheat he wants. A divorce and let him pay child support and alimony. Show him that there are consequences for his actions. You don't have to go through with the divorce if he pulls his head out of his ass before it is final, but you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it.

Take a hard line, stop trying to be nice. Stop trying to guilt him. Trust me, when they are deep in the fog, it doesn't work. No more emotions for him. Tell him to come get his shit and find somewhere else to go. One of the perks of being married is staying in the same house as your family members. He doesn't want to be married, ok have fun paying double rent for two households.

You have to understand, your husband is for gone at this point and if he isn't remorseful (begging YOU), then this will happen over and over and over again. How much more of this can you take? Why are you doing all the work when he fucked this up? Why are you allowing him to act like a rebellious teen who has no consequences? He is acting like a child, show him how hard life gets when he makes foolish choices.
Then say fuck him and put that therapy into you and your son. Focus on life as a single mother and making a better life for both of you.

Your husband is no longer your partner. Stop treating him like he is worth your time and attention while he continues to hurt you and your son.

FUCK THAT GUY!

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 6:36 AM, June 16th (Sunday)]


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 607 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Northeast US
pw37
New Member
Member # 39544
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

I appreciate your bluntness movingforward. im not sure he will come out of this. He really may be too far gone.

I'm just not ready to throw in the towel. I just can't do it for my son. Though at this point I don't have any control of my life or what he will do.

He is still being an asshole. I'm trying to 180 but it's hard. He days he went to an SA meeting on Saturday. I told him how hard son is taking his ab sense. he said, again, he would stay in the basement but only for son, to at least be there. I just don't think I can live like that...him coming upstairs and making his meals and showering and treating me like I don't exist. And how ling would that last until he leaves for good next time?

He is still staying with friends that he works with. Don't think he's had contact with OW but I don't know. He says he will call the therapist that deals with SA issues that I gave him the number for.

He wanted to take son to movie for fathers day. I said no, we had plans. I lied. I don't want him around son. Its all too confusing. And yes im punishing H but I know eventually he will lawyer up. I'm not doing well. I sent several texts to OW yesterday. No reply from her.

I moved some of his shit down to the basement because I don't want to see it. Trying to keep busy playing with son and doing housework...Scrubbed the toilet with one of his shirts. That felt good.

My next appt with crappy therapist is on Tuesday. Seems too far away.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

Kids thrive on stability and routine.

Your son will get back to feeling secure in the same amount of time whether Dad is home or Dad has his own home.

What will prolong the agony for your son is if Dad is coming and going out of the house.

You need to do the 180 for your son.

See a lawyer tomorrow, protect your son by getting a custody arrangement in place. Get a routine in place as fast as possible.

You should also see a lawyer to protect yourself financially. If your WH is as far gone as you fear, he may expand his self destruction in to financial territories.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
pw37
New Member
Member # 39544
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I suck at this 180 thing!!!!!

H stayed with friends a few nights and supposedly slept in his car Sunday night. I asked him to sleep at home last night and he did. Though he stressed it was only for his son! And he slept in the basement.

I feel like throwing up all the time.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry, pw.

I want to comment on the whole "throwing in the towel" thing, though.


There's no towel. There's nothing to fight for here. He's not giving you the things to fight for - love, respect, honesty.

It's a scary dark place and I wish I could give you a hug. Try to incorporate lining up little ducks to take care of yourself as part of your 180. I know it's really hard not to show emotion, so buffering your plan by stowing money or contacting an attorney will help you get your power back.

He has to be present and remorseful for there to be something to "not give up" on. Right now the ship has holes in it and you gotta grab a life raft. He's the only one who can patch the holes and he's not even trying.


Breathe, and know we're here for you.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14750 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Edith
Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Oh pw, I am so sorry you are going through this. The great thing about the 180 is if you fall off the wagon, you can get right back on!

Most of us who have done the 180 have found it quite difficult, especially in the beginning. But with the 180 is your strength and independence from this man who is abusing you so dreadfully. Take good care, my dear.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 288 | Registered: Feb 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

PW37

Now is the time for YOU to define YOUR boundaries. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If he can't even show you that much compassion, you really have to ask yourself why you'd want to be with him?

He is selfish and a serial cheater. Do you really want to set yourself up for further hurt down the road?

You owe yourself and your son a healthier life than being an afterthought.

I first stayed for my 3 kids. The thought of breaking up my family paralyzed me. But then I realized that I owe my 2 daughters and son a better example of what they should base their future relationships on. My daughters will not settle for being treated poorly (I pray) nor will my son treat his wife like an option (I pray). So I got tough, mad, demanding.

I know that I am gone if it happens again - if nothing more than my own sanity and my children. I never want them to view me as putting up with bs because I know I will always challenge them to expect the best from themselves. If I can't live it then I can't preach it.

I do know a marriage will not work only bc of the kids. There has to be more.

Big hug and many prayers.

Hopefully you are in IC? Ask how to best explain to your son. I know how much it hurts to see your son hurt.
Remember your husband's selfishness has put you all in this place.

Good luck


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 842 | Registered: Apr 2013
pw37
New Member
Member # 39544
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

I have been seeing an IC for a few weeks now. H flatly refuses to go with me. IC suggested that I be open about my emotions with six yr old son but general. IE, mommy is feeling sad because daddy isn't making nice choices. And for son, it is ok to cry because you're missing daddy.

H is still staying in the basement and being so very cold to me. He says he hasn't talked to OW but still wants to be with her. I hate him right now. And I hate calling her the other woman. She is a girl. For godsakes she was still in high school when we were getting engaged and buying our first home.

Anyway, IC suggested I put forth some kind of boundaries if h is in the home still. He is houesitting for someone the next 11days. I tried sitting down with him to get a schedule from him so I can know when to let son expect to ser him and I want the help in the evenings! I told him im sick of being the default parent while he runs around having a midlife crisis with lots of free babysitting from me.

I asked him if he has anywhere to stay after the housesitting gig. He said no, he hasn't asked around. I told him that I expect him to go to SA meetings on Saturday morning and to call the SA therapist I found for him if he expects to stay here. He said he will. But he will only see that therapist on his own, not with me. Why would he agree to go to the meetings and therapist if he is so checked out on this marriage??? I am so confused, sad, and pissed off!!!!! (thankful for this space to vent and process the various feedback, do thank you guys...im not sure how else I could do this day to day)


Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 38