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Reconciliation
User Topic: Why R is hard - #99
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Venting.... Something I said a few weeks ago resonated in a bad way with W. We discussed it in MC a couple of days ago, but we didn't really come to a resolution in the session.

On the way home, W said something like, 'I think you're angry about it and hiding your anger.' Wrong. I wasn't angry about the issue I raised at that point, but I sure got angry that she made an assumption about how I felt! All she has to do is me what I was feeling.

The one she thing she does that guts me is to make wrong assumptions about what I think or feel and then govern her behavior to fit with her lousy assumptions.

After getting home, I spent 2.5 hours on a couch almost not moving. I couldn't think. I had vague ideas of things I wanted to do, but I couldn't bring myself to take action to do them. Like I said - gutted.

She can't help doing this. If she goes into a certain frame of mind, she's not even aware that she's making these lousy assumptions. We work on changing this behavior in MC sessions, and she works on on changing this behavior in IC sessions.

I guess she does it less and less as time goes on, but that just hurts more when she does it.

I hope this is the final issue. Learning to ask me what I'm feeling or thinking may be just what's needed to move us from 'in R' to 'R'ed'.

We're past this event now. She can see how I respond, and she's sorry, and I suppose that will delay the next episode. Meanwhile it's interfered with ...um... certain of my capabilities, so I'm looking for another way of handling my feelings when she makes her lousy assumptions. My guess is the future is brighter. Whoop-de-dooooo.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:02 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10167 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

The one she thing she does that guts me is to make wrong assumptions about what I think or feel and then govern her behavior to fit with her lousy assumptions.

I am not in R, so take this with multiple grains of salt, but my WH does this ALL. THE. TIME. Drives me CRAZY

He tells me what I think, how I feel, what I'm going to say, etc etc you know the drill.

I hope that she gets this figured out in IC. I am not sure why it is so important to do this.

For me, a bad association is an FOO issue. I can remember many times crying as a child and my father YELLING at me 'why are you crying, you're not hurt' and me saying 'yes I am, my feelings are hurt' and him going back to 'that's not a reason to cry'. With WH, I feel that he has hurt me (with his EA), but HE decides that's not a reason to hurt. Sorry bud, but if you are the one that's doing the hurting, you don't get to decide how hurt I am.

Sorry if this is totally off base or t/j, just trying to say that I can relate to this and I understand your frustration.

((((sisoon))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2595 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Uck. Oh, there is a lot of fixing to be done and it isn't fast. Hang in there, man. You know you got this.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6497 | Registered: Jan 2011
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

FWH used to do this a lot, still creeps in from time to time. I think it is siply another justification mechanism to allow him to do what he already decided to do and act like he had to cuz he's my "victim".

Once he kinda got clear on the idea that right behavior REQUIRES NO JUSTIFICATION, he got much better about the imaginary little devil voice named me. Once you find yourself justifying - you are on the wrong path. JMO.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3627 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

oh boy, if I get the "I know exactly what you're thinking" one more time...
it's presumptious and disrespectful...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5069 | Registered: Dec 2010
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

We struggle with this too. It makes me annoyed and angry at times; but it seems to be much more of a hot button issue for you.

We're past this event now. She can see how I respond, and she's sorry, and I suppose that will delay the next episode.

This stuck with me because this is a major issue for us too; and it is nothing short of devastating to be put back in that gutted place again. I spoke with my IC about it and she said "it sounds like the price you are paying to be heart is too high." Think about it, you have to be comatose and gutted for her to truly "get it" when it comes to this issue. That isn't right.

WH and I talk about this A LOT and it is getting better, but it sucks that it even has to be a continuing issue at all. I'm sorry you are going through it too.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
musiclovingmom
Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I am much more guilty of this than my H. I will ask him a question and instead of waiting for his reply, I will start in on an answer for him of what I think he would answer if I let him. I am working very hard to give him time to answer and to listen when he does (instead of making his words fit into what I already think his answer is going to be).

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Jan 2013
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

OK.... We just went for a walk - BEAUTIFUL day here - and had what I thought would be a wrap-up discussion. It didn't turn out exactly that way.

Listening to my W talk, I said, 'It sounds as if you think I'm your enemy.'

Her reply, in essence: 'Yes, and IC/MC, too. I sometimes feel as if you and IC/MC are trapping me. I've been working hard on this in IC.'

So in some situations, she'll interpret anything that goes on as support for her belief that she's under attack.

Strangely, I feel a whole lot better now. I've know what the issue is. I know she's working on it. I see evidence that her work is effective, since 'episodes' are getting less frequent.

This is another 'go figure' moment.

BTW, the statement that set her off was something like, 'I don't see how you could have conducted the A unless you bore me some ill will.' She rejects that idea.

***TILT***

She's really a nice person - smart, insightful, intellectually sophisticated, committed to being fully in our M, and loving. Also, there are reasons for her to go into her alternate world, but I don't feel comfortable sharing that.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:29 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10167 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

So, this is only marginally related, but...

We're having some staff issues at work and I asked for their input prior to our partner's meeting. One of my favorite, albeit challenging, employees sent a scathing letter with all her complaints. I took it personally because I had always supported her and I called her on it. She claimed that I had been treating her differently for months, obviously no longer liked her and had several really lame examples. ( like I hung up on her when she paged me??). I told her that she was wrong, I had not changed the way I felt about her and she was looking for problems unnecessarily. She was insistent, at which point I said "Look, I have been dealing with things in my personal life that would have many people hiding in bed with the covers over their head. If I have been distracted it certainly has nothing to do with you!"

At which point she started crying, apologized profusely and asked me to forgive her. We're fine.

She had been torturing herself for months. I told her I had earned for her to talk to me instead of making assumptions, which she acknowledged.

My point is to show how damaging, and self-perpetuating these assumptions can be. She was SO SURE she was right she had considered quitting her job. Today she thanked me for not firing her!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Topic Posts: 9