Topic: Can we talk multiple d-days?
Member # 38141
| Posted: 4:43 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
I'm reading about being a year out, or 5years out, etc. I look at my life and wonder sometimes if I am stuck because the first initial d-day was May 30, 2012 and
then contact in July, then October and the latest in April. So is it really starting all over with healing in April? I want to be further along. Do you think the last d-day is as devestating as the first big one? Or maybe it's worse because I didn't see the others coming at me? Maybe I'm just tired of it all. On the flip side, I asked him about something today and for the first time his immediate response was not one of being angry at me or defensive! By George, he might actually have pulled his head out of his arse this time.... But is it like having to start the healing all over again because of his stupidity in April? It's just a sucky day.
[This message edited by stunnedin12 at 4:44 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]
ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.
Posts: 371 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 39077
| Posted: 5:01 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
I think, if even for the space of a couple hours, I lost my mind after DD#2.
The afternoon my older children confronted him after finding out, I have patchy recollections of grabbing my husband's shirt and saying, "You will fix this. You will fix this now! I swear I'll hunt you down if you don't. You won't hurt my babies this way."
I don't remember his face as I said it. I don't remember collapsing afterwards.
My husband cries in his sleep two or three times a week since then. When I wake him up, it's always a dream about that afternoon and our faces as we looked at him.
The pain does start over every time, but worse. We don't get practiced at DDs, we get injury on top of injury.
Posts: 289 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 35215
| Posted: 5:36 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
Oh I absolutely had to start over with healing after each DDay. For some reason the 4th and last DDay didn't shock me, I felt done and as the above poster had said I think I had finally lost it. I was dead set on a D, but WH has been managing to slowly pull his head out an inch at a time. I see progress.
Continue to give yourself time to make decisions that best suit YOU in every way
BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan
Posts: 2247 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 22870
| Posted: 5:58 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
Each d-day was more painful than the last because he saw what it did to me, and continued to cheat. It was premeditated, and it crushed my soul.
You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright
Posts: 6983 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 36164
| Posted: 6:31 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
Each of my days were worse then the one before, and my feeling stupid because I believed him again was worse each time. The hurt digs into your core more and more each dday, but for me the trickle truth that came 2 years later started my pain all over and it was back with a vegence!
BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it
Posts: 706 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
Member # 39134
| Posted: 6:49 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
It makes you crazy. For one because they know the pain it will cause you and choose to do it again. For another, trying to keep each timeline straight to reconstruct your life and what was actually happening to you.
But worse is that you love them less each time, so you grieve each time for the loss of that love. You have no true reconciliation till the last dday. And then you are so scared every day thinking of a possible next one. Sorry, I am really sad today too.
DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
Posts: 427 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 24924
| Posted: 6:51 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
Yes, one might expect that a second, third, fourth D-Day wouldn't totally devastate like the first one did. I told myself I was prepared for anything. Nothing would surprise me. Well, following D-Days didn't surprise me, but they devastated me all over again, I'd say worse than the first one.
With the first one, there was hope that the A would end, and he would work more at the M. But with more D-Days comes the realization that he really cares more for himself than me or the M. It left me with no choice but to accept that the M was over.
I think that's why it was worse with the D-Days after the first one. I knew then the M was done.
Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M
Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
|Sad in AZ|
Member # 24239
| Posted: 7:11 PM, June 13th (Thursday)|
Multiple d-days are why so many BS suffer from PTSD. Especially if you think you are in R. I was a little luckier than others because I knew we were never in R. I just hoped against hope that he would pull his head out of his ass. I thought if I caught him enough times, he would get tired of the 'game'. I thought I could manipulate the outcome of the debacle--nope. I kept catching him in lies (he couldn't figure out how ) but it never stopped.
I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.
Posts: 19139 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 38924
| Posted: 9:45 AM, June 14th (Friday)|
I got a 5 month TT package, which started out as an EA, a week later a ONS, 3 months later 5OW in 2 years, and finally to 8OW in 3 years with a year long LTA. My H has been suffering from addiction and alcoholism. :(
I feel your pain. Like you, every time I believed when he said that was all he had to confess. I cannot stress how important MC/IC is. I didn't believe it at first as I was blinded by pain. But, now, we're closer than ever and he's close to a 360 turnaround.
If I could be thankful for anything, it's that he didn't love any of them. I guess I have that going for me. lol. Because he loved booze first. ha.
The first one was my biggest hit because I never in a million years imagined he'd do this to us. After that, it was a long, staggering journey of pain until the truth was finally uncovered.
Me-BW 35. STBXH-35,active alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 little boys. M 6yrs T13.
Year+ false R & TT from Dday1 Nov 2012 IEA - Feb 2014 count at 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) for 3 years that I know of.
Filed for D.
Posts: 816 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Member # 30811
| Posted: 10:24 AM, June 14th (Friday)|
I think that mainly said it well.
I think that the multiple DDays are what keeps me from true R.
So many DDays, so many promises, so many lies...
Me(BS): 44/Her(WS): 43
Affair with OM#1 before we were married.
Couple day fling w/ OM#2
Me as a WS: late '07-early '08.
EA/PA with OM#3: 2/16/09 (many D-days after, broken NC.)
EA/PA with OM#4: Found September '10; PA
Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
Member # 36456
| Posted: 10:26 AM, June 14th (Friday)|
My first real DDay was in 2006. I have not counted it on SI. I found out that he tried to have a ONS with an internet friend. His guilty conscience got the best of him and while he did get physical, he did not "complete the job". His equipment failed. When I found out 3 months later, I immediately kicked him out. We talked over the next few days and he came home, remorseful so I thought. I was mad. But I felt better since his conscience did kick in and he didn't finish.
Unfortunately, I didn't have SI. We did not address his issues or behavior. He said "sorry", I said "ok" and we basically rugswept everything. It did take about a year to get the mind movies out of my head everytime we had sex. I was his only when we married.
Fast forward to April 2012 - what is listed as DDay 1 in my signature. Until then, I had all but forgotten about the ONS in 2006. Our marriage was great - so I thought. But in 2012, he's telling me that he loves this person that he's never touched. He left a 20 year relationship for a long distance internet affair. I was devestated - and 2006 came back up. Now I think he's had 2 OW.
After 10 months of separation, he moved home in February. In April (2 months ago) I find evidence of another OW in between the 2 that I know about. When confronted, he admits to yet another. So, now we're at 3 ONS between 2006 and 2009 plus his 8 month long EA/PA last year.
Each DDay was difficult in its own way. But I think the DDay last year when he said he didn't love me anymore hurt the most. The ONSs were not emotional for him - just sex.
But, this last one has done a number on me too because I now know that everything he told me was a lie for 6 years. I always knew that he would be curious about sex with someone else since I was his only. I let the first one slide as his "lesson learned". He promised me the world after that one. He would never do that again. Blah, Blah, Blah. To find out AFTER we've reconciled from last year's mess that he was lying to me all those years in between makes me hurt but it also makes me feel stupid. How could I not see? How could I take him back?
He has totally changed his perspective since April. He is the poster boy for remorseful husbands now. He reads, is supportive but most of all he's finally addressed his spiraling behavior of those 6 years. He is now disgusted by what he did.
One thing I do know: IF there is ever another DDay, it will be the last. He will be immediately kicked out and divorce papers will be started. I told him in 2006 that he would be out if he ever did it again. He left last year - and somehow we managed to fall in love again. I'm trying to let the past be in the past. But he is very much aware that if he screws up in even the slightest way, I will be beyond done.
Moral of my story - Multiple DDays Suck!!!!
Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now
Posts: 781 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
|Topic Posts: 11|| |