SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: I'm writing my H a letter....
Flatlined123
Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

and in it I'm going to tell him all the things that still hurt me or at the time hurt me very deeply.

I will give him the option if he wants to read it, but I'm going to give it to him.

I feel like I just need to release all of it somehow. Maybe by writing it down I'll be able to release it.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 9-09, but I didn't feelTRUE R started until 12-09 when the fog really lifted due to a medical condition with me.
Every day gets a little better.

Posts: 584 | Registered: Jun 2012
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

(((Flatlined)))

I think writing it out is a wonderful idea. It's a great way to release some of the emotions you have built up and communicate your thoughts/needs.




Posts: 30713 | Registered: Mar 2011
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Good idea. My WH I feel sometimes just wants to give a blanket "I'm sorry" to cover everything but I have so many small hurts that I want him to know and help me with,I want them all acknowledged so I can try to heal from them. If you can fit all of yours in a letter then go for it. You will know that he knows all that you feel, all that you have to contend with.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2013 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 436 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Midwest
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Maybe by writing it down I'll be able to release it

YES!

I am ALL in favour of writing FL123. I just read in a mag that when you put something down on paper, you make it an object. Objects are real. You can hold it in your hands - you can even rip it up if you want too - but I am more in favour of giving it to him.

Whether you rip or give it to him, you have taken a very health path to releasing.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Blameitontherain
Member
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I think it is a brilliant idea.

I just had a post about having a lot of anger and resentment at my WH in addition to his A. Really my anger is covering up all of my hurt. One of the suggestions was to write down all of them and go over them with WH so I could be validated. I discussed this with him and he is on board with the idea.

I am kind of scared how long it will be. We have over ten years of built up things. I also am worried that he may try and argue that certain situations shouldn't have hurt me. But my feelings are my feelings and if I have been carrying it around for so long then I must have been really been hurt by it.

[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 9:21 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
Flatlined123
Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 4:57 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Blame, I'm a little worried how long it will be too. I really doesn't matter though, as I want to purge it all from my system.

It was surprising that once I started writing the things just came. Almost like the pen took on a life of it's own.

At the same time, I do know there are some of these things that H probably won't even remember. He was in really bad shape at the end on the A. He exhibited paranoia, mania, nightmares, and crippling depression. The dr suggested hospitalization, but he wouldn't agree to it. It was a brutal time

I realized I'm very angry and hurt by the fact that because of him being that way I ended up putting my own needs on hold to help him. I couldn't have both parent a pile of mess for our kids.

It's feeling good to do this. Almost like as I'm writing each one down I'm putting it in its grave and can let go. We'll see, but I'm hopeful. I feel like I finally have some control over the hurt.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 9-09, but I didn't feelTRUE R started until 12-09 when the fog really lifted due to a medical condition with me.
Every day gets a little better.

Posts: 584 | Registered: Jun 2012
Pudding
Member
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Writing things down has really helped me sort out my thoughts and feelings. Even if you never give it to him, it will help you really document all you wuld want to say to him. It will give you the words to express yourself and that might make it easier to talk to him as well.

Posts: 220 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, June 14th (Friday)

I thinik maybe it was me who suggested the list and addressing the issues.

We weren't there to argue about it. And he didn't get to fight me on it. It was, "when you did this, I was angry and hurt" and he would say "I am so sorry I did that" or some such thing.

It was really healing for me and he was horrified. Some was hard for him to take and he had to take some deep breaths as times. But it wasn't a "bash WH" episode. A lot of what we were talking about were things we had addressed in the past, but then he would repeat the behavior over and over.

My side of the deal was I let it go. It was hard! But it was very healing for both of us.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 5861 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 8