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User Topic: Does your wayward have other addictive behaviours?
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Just curious about this. Does your wayward have any other addictive and/or escapist behaviours, drugs, booze, gambling, shopping, etc?

In retrospect, I kick myself for not picking up on the connection betwixt XH's love of smoking pot and other escapist behaviour.

I'm wondering if this is an anomaly or not.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 752 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Conflicted1
Member
Member # 39019
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Spending money is definitely weakness for mine. Interestingly he was very damning of his mothers addictive behaviors such as alcoholism and spending issues that they found after she passed unexpectedly. Hoping his IC will help him see that just avoiding alcohol and giving into other addictive behaviors that are just as destructive is not a good choice. Just a different form of the same thing. Edited to add gaming which I can totally deal with in moderation in comparison.

[This message edited by Conflicted1 at 8:58 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Me=BW 45
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

He's a diagnosed sex addict.

His escape now is online gaming, via world of warcraft. If he lets himself he can be online for hours upon hours. This has caused severe problems in the past. He is addicted to it, though he tries not to be online as much as he used to be. However, I'd rather him game then be watching porn. I do game with him a bit, I know who he plays with.

However, its like trading one addiction for another, albeit not as bad.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

My SAWH is a recovering all around addict. Workaholic, opiate addict, sex addict. He can easily get addicted to technology and anything else! That is why working a recovery program is essential. Addicts will just change one addiction for another, without hard recovery work.

[This message edited by Missymomma at 8:58 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

After my ws got out of rehab for alcohol and cocaine several yrs ago, he never fell off the wagon....but I saw this new intensity with whatever thing he was into. He raced boats, played baseball, weight lifted, online gaming even church. Whatever he did it was balls out and nothing else mattered. I called him intense but upon reading about recovering addicts I realized he's got the addictive personality. The ow however is not one addiction he's replaced with another yet...oh yea porn too, and I mean massive amounts of viewing.. I think he also has a vicodin issue but "he gets them
from the doctor" so that makes nodding off ok, right?


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5039 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
DecadeCentrifuge
New Member
Member # 39406
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Yeah, my xWH is a drug addict, which I didn't know until after our D.

It makes shutting him out of my new life much easier, that's for sure.


Me: BH - Happily Remarried, but dealing with old stuff

“I'm losing my mind in a bedroom with a ghost
and I'm losing my mind in a bottle while I choke
I stayed years with you, no one knows (but I want them to).”
– Thought Industry


Posts: 44 | Registered: May 2013
CheaterMagnet
Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Yup. 22 year sober Alcoholic and recently determined to be SA.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
openedupmyeyes
Member
Member # 27871
Shocked  Posted: 9:45 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Yes. Porn. He's whiteknuckling it now.


Me:53 BS
Him:53 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:35
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 762 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Sex.
Porn.
A particular hobby which everyone thinks is just so healthy and wonderful and which he uses to be alone & isolated from other human beings.
I think he's headed towards alcoholism. He has a family legacy of alcoholism going back many generations. He drinks every night of the week but denies it.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
deeplysad
Member
Member # 16590
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

My FWH started out with a huge addiction to porn, followed by his affair with a piece of trash that looked like she stepped out of a porn movie.

He is also an alcoholic and now he's obsessed with toy trains. Spent $$ on it behind my back, so now dealing with the fall out from that.


Me: BW - I'm much too young to feel this damn old
Him: FWH - Midlife crisis with a pathetic porn wannabe
D-Day: August 2004; Lots of false R until February 2005.

It takes all kinds of kinds....Miranda Lambert


Posts: 3234 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: So Calif
Want2help
Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, June 14th (Friday)

My FWH is an addict (drugs, before I met him). During the A he began gambling excessively and began abusing prescription medication.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2270 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Mack9512
Member
Member # 38619
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, June 14th (Friday)

My fwH had been sober for 12 years when all of a sudden he decided he wanted to drink a glass of wine. Within 6 months he was drinking jack and coke and having an A.

He is also OCD and is working with his IC to overcome his porn addiction.


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 396 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, June 14th (Friday)

It is pretty common for addicts to have multiple addictions.

Sometimes they escalate one additction while trying to control another. Sometimes they all go haywire in a perfect mess.

Addictions are yet another symptom of unhealthy coping mechanisms for some inner brokeness. They aren't usually the problem, per se, but a manifestation of it.

That is why good IC is important, particularly with someone who is trained to treat addiction. We've all heard of dry drunks, right? Stopping the addictive behavior doesn't fix the brokenness. The addictive behavior is lousy self-medicating and coping of a deeper issue.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3619 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Pudding
Member
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, June 14th (Friday)

My first husband did. He was an alcoholic (died of liver failure 6 years ago). Our sons and I lived with him covering up for him etc for around 6 years, trying to persuade him into rehab etc. He lost job after job and I supported the family financially (and sadly fueled his alcohlism by financing his drinking). One day, I lost my moble and he lent me his old one. In it I found 100s of texts arranging sex in toilets etc with both men and women. I confronted him and he finally admitted that he was gay or bisexual, he wasn't sure.

We tried to R but it was all fake. He was still seeing prostitutes. I filed for divorce and when he finally left, I found hundreds of notebooks recording sexual experiences he had had with male and female prostitutes going back over 20 years (starting before we married). They were rated and coded according to position, who did what to whom etc. He had dated and recorded for 20 years. He even had been with these women, the night DD2 was born and the day I was miscarrying and waiting for him to come hom to take me to hospital. Clearly he had a deep seated sexual addiction that I had never known about. I believe that this fuelled his alcoholism and that he drank to cover up his guilt regarding his sexual behaviour.

He never showed any remorse towards me for what he had done or to our children for failing them.

I believe that there is a strong link between addictive behaviours. I also believe that I tried everything to save outr marriage to help him get over his alcoholism but it was a hopeless cause. Knowing what I later leaned, I so wish I had left him as soon as I suspected the drinking.


Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Alcohol.
Porn.
Now, it's me. :)


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Yes we both do unfortunately.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Well, I'm not sure this counts - but XWH always had a project he'd obsess over to the exclusion of EVERYTHING else, (except work): working out, health food, home renovation, boat renovation, music. I'm talking obsessed 16 hours a day on his days off and only ever one at a time. Once he was done with it - he walked away like it didn't matter, never mattered... on to the next thing...

Not sure how it pings as an addiction - but he definitely used it to escape.

[This message edited by Take2 at 1:11 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4113 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, June 14th (Friday)

My SAWH just seems to be hyperfocused on what ever he's doing. Right now it's me, his recovery and our family, and I'm ok with that!


ME - BS 49, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 470 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Food, particularly of the sugary kind. He'll inhale a couple THOUSAND calories of cookies or donuts in a sitting most days.

Porn


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Alcohol

Food

Gambling

god only knows what else

He's a mess and kept it pretty well hidden for the majority of the M. I'm glad he's now OWs problem.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2794 | Registered: Jan 2011
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, June 14th (Friday)

He's an undiagnosed SA and/or porn addict; diagnosis will never occur because he lies during evaluation. (I know this because he left a checklist for me to find, and the only question he answered, "yes" to one question: "Has your sexual behavior caused problems in your relationships." Um, yeah.)

He also is a smoker, who "quit," but really has secretly continued for over a decade. And I'd say he's addicted to (prescribed) benzodiazepines and narcotics. He does have a bona fide need for the former, but not the latter---though he claims he does.

There may be more; I really know far less about the man than I believed.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8691 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, June 14th (Friday)

He's an undiagnosed SA and/or porn addict; diagnosis will never occur because he lies during evaluation. (I know this because he left a checklist for me to find, and the only question he answered, "yes" to one question: "Has your sexual behavior caused problems in your relationships." Um, yeah.)

He also is a smoker, who "quit," but really has secretly continued for over a decade. And I'd say he's addicted to (prescribed) benzodiazepines and narcotics. He does have a bona fide need for the former, but not the latter---though he claims he does.

There may be more; I really know far less about the man than I believed.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8691 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Food, spending, tv. He regularly talks about craving pot even though he hasn't had it for a decade. Since starting SA 12 steps, he says he wishes he could drink. I hope he can stop trying to switch addictions so he can begin true recovery.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
5 year long EA (still believe PA), webcam girls, contacting hookers
Preparing for D

Posts: 721 | Registered: Mar 2013
nightsky
Member
Member # 35728
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Online video sex chats.

He became so obsessed and emotionally attached to his favorite "model" that he called her "my girlfriend." He refuses to own up to the fact that this was an affair and seems to think I would be more "forgiving" if he had a drug addiction

WH says he has "always been interested" in porn. He claims I knew about that, but he hid the subscriptions to porn sites from years ago.

Oh, and food for sure.


BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s Married 33 yrs

DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”

"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith" Margaret Shepard


Posts: 109 | Registered: Jun 2012
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, June 15th (Saturday)

Porn
Exercise
the Beatles
Iced Tea at McDonalds (well he goes at least once a day and drinks the extra large serving, refills, drinks, refills and carrys one around all day).
Being the center of attention
He used to be addicted to his GFs emails

All three of our kids have addiction problems with alcohol, marijuana, and smoking. They were raised in a home with parents that do none of that.

[This message edited by LearningToFly at 1:23 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
seekingtomorrow
Member
Member # 39068
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, June 15th (Saturday)

ive never thought of them as addictive behaviours,,, but he has obsessive behaviour. before I even knew about the A I very nearly left him over his behaviour in relation to computer games. he really struggles with food, eats for every mood and situation and has no will power in regards to food at all and is obsessive about his job,


D-day 1 august 1st 2012
D-day 2 October 31st 2012

Posts: 62 | Registered: Apr 2013
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, June 15th (Saturday)

Thank you all for the replies.

I wasn't sure if it was just WXH or if this was a general pattern of behaviour.

Now I see it wasn't an anomaly on XH's part.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 752 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
stillhere09
Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, June 15th (Saturday)


Gambling

A spendthrift

Workaholic

Cell phone addiction

Computer addiction

Addiction to caffeine pills

Exes & other women

And he's so proud of himself because he isn't an addict, meaning he doesn't drink or smoke.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 15th (Saturday)

XWH#1 was an alcoholic, who eventually became a dry drunk after I D'd him the first time. He just replaced the alcohol with percription medication and porn. After our second D he went back to drinking and eventually went into rehab and goes to AA now. I don't know what he does anymore because I no longer care and he is not my problem.

WH#2 is also an alcoholic, former drug addict, and also addicted to porn. (Boy, I can really pick them, can't I). I also started to drink quite a bit when we first got together until I started to have health problems from it combined with a blood disorder. I haven't touched a drop in two years, but he still drinks to drunkness every night. He is also addicted to porn/SA. I will not put up with drugs in my home, so he did give that up as far as I know when we started to date. I am now at the point where I am going to address the alcohol addiction as I can no longer put up with it and he can't heal as long as he keeps drinking everyday. It may well be the end of our marriage because I don't see him giving it up.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
luvedmypbear
Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, June 15th (Saturday)

porn
masturbation
(no longer actively using)
then it was
MOW
then
spending $
then
drinking
then
food
then
exercise
now
cell phone
online gaming

it never ends
oh
and he is NOT an addict (according to him)


D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1034 | Registered: Sep 2009
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

And he's so proud of himself because he isn't an addict, meaning he doesn't drink or smoke.

That rationale. So familiar!


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 752 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
LittleRussian
New Member
Member # 36658
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

He's a dry alcoholic. All credit to him - he's stayed dry for 6 years now.

And managed to give up smoking 8 years ago.

But he generally has a very addictive personality - he's had other addictions in the past - sex phone lines, online sluts, internet generally .....


Me - mid 40s
Him WH - slightly younger
1 teenager
2 preteens (and don't I know it!)

Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
HeartStings
Member
Member # 38017
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

Alcohol
Smoking
Gaming

Then after he white-knuckled it and stopped drinking and smoking

Peanut m&ms
Gummy bears
Cookies
Chocolate
Coca cola

Then after he gained 60 pounds and was having health issues

Exercising
Massages
OW (massage girl)
Sports car

Can't wait to see what comes next, but it can't be good!


Posts: 117 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 33