Just Found Out
User Topic: He wants to R but he is lashing out
New Member
Member # 39480
Frustrated  Posted: 1:48 AM, June 14th (Friday)

So i took all your good advice and told my cake eater WH to get out and not come back until he had established NC. Well a few days later he came back. I am having an issue because he broke it off with her in person and i have no proof except that he is super depressed and hugely grumpy!! He is being such a dick i kinda want him to leave even though for the past 2 months all i wanted was him back!! :? Do you think he really broke it off or is it just a cover?? He says he wants to be around me alot but then is so misreable i don't want to be around him!! Is this normal?? We have had a few short talks but it has been all about HIM and i am starting to get pissed off!! I am the victim not him, i did not chose to put his dick in someone else, he did!! Will it get better?? is he just still in the fog?? It has only been a few days but it is so hard to not blow up at him!! I want to be with him and i think we can make it work but he is so different than he was while he was in the A! He was remorseful and seemed like he cared about me and now BAM he hates me!! is this because he really did break it off?? I hope so!! any thoughts would be helpfull!!

Me BW 37
WH 38
OW 40+ never married desprate cow
Married 9yrs together 14
DDay may 6/2013
2 kids 7 & 3
Recovery started june 11/13

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: bc, canada
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Cheaters lie. I would require proof in the way of a follow up letter confirming their conversation regarding NC.

Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
New Member
Member # 39480
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, June 14th (Friday)

That's what i was thinking also. I think he still needs to send a NC letter. Wonder how that will go over!!

Me BW 37
WH 38
OW 40+ never married desprate cow
Married 9yrs together 14
DDay may 6/2013
2 kids 7 & 3
Recovery started june 11/13

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: bc, canada
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, June 14th (Friday)

What LadyO said.

Also, R isn't just about them wanting to come back. It's about how they treat you and own what they've done. Remorse, respect, transparency.

If his heart is really in this, he will be handing over the information you're asking for, and then some.

FWH would remember a detail he omitted and then suck it up and tell be because he knew that if I discovered anything on my own I was out. That is the very thin thread our relationship was hanging by.

Depression and grumpiness? Lashing out at YOU? I don't think he's NEAR R. He just wants to be comfortable. Don't make if comfy.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17787 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
sinsof thefather
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, June 14th (Friday)

I think he still needs to send a NC letter.


Wonder how that will go over!!

Well his reaction will show you how serious he is about R.

Also, R isn't just about them wanting to come back. It's about how they treat you and own what they've done.

Word. I know it's hard - but keep holding your ground with him, you've got to be keep being strong and set the stage for R, because he's still trying to keep the upperhand. I agree with the others - demand that official NC be sent and don't let him dictate ANYTHING right now.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1880 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, June 14th (Friday)

You're not in R until he shows remorse for the pain he's caused you and the kids...reading your profile, they were directly affected by his choices.

Until he commits to the M and stops focusing on himself.

Until he's transparent. Gives you access to his phone and any accounts he has.

Until he's honest. Answers any questions you have, no matter how painful.

Until he's earnest- he digs in and does the work. Makes an appointment with a MC and/or an IC. Reads books on infidelity recovery. Takes action where it needs to be taken.

Again, reading your profile I'd also say he needs to go NC with his BFF. That man and his GF were not friends. They helped him tear his family apart. Also, he should go to AA from what I just read.

You need to seek IC. We all lose it, but the physical attacks could work against you, especially if it comes down to D. Anger is fine, taking it physical, while gratifying perhaps, is frowned upon and could lose you custody of your kids. Go to IC and work on not only what emotions this has caused, but behaviors for when you are angry, feeling unsafe or deeply hurting. A good IC will help you learn how to go past the primitive reactions of fight, flight or freeze.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11216 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Clearly, he's unhappy to be there.

Put him out of his misery and send him packing.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1804 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Well one thing is certain, he is not remorseful, he is just sorry he was caught, and is acting like a spoiled brat, becuase he can't have both women.

YOU need to go into spy mode, snoop, put a VAR in his car. I bet dimes to dollars that he will break NC before the weekend is out. I would also demand a NC letter.

You need to calmly tell him that he made his choices, and it's not your fault that he hurt you deeply, and if he continues to behave like a jerk that you will send him packing again. Be prepared to follow through too.

He was scared, and is trying to get back to his previous comfort level. He is not doing the hard work of R.

((((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8687 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Hi Divergurl,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sounds exactly like my experience with false R. H was begging for R, but still secretly in contact with Evil One.

I would 180 him and go into spy mode. And make sure he knows you are willing to walk away if necessary.

Take care.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 387 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, June 14th (Friday)

I am angry for you..It doesn't matter if he wants R or not..He has no right to treat you badly for even one minute..He is grossly underestimating you if he expects you to get along with him under the same roof while he gets to be a grumpy self centered prick..That is not R by any stretch..Definitely healthier and more peaceful to have him out of the house and not allowed back in until he can act like a responsible, loving grownup...

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, June 14th (Friday)


He is not committed to R with behaving this way. Right now this needs to be about him behaving in a way that is kind, compassionate and caring. Doing whatever it is YOU need to start to heal.

Sorry doesn't quite cover this one.

He needs to go to IC to figure out WHY he chose to cheat. He needs to understand what allowed him to disregard you and your family?

Your anger is perfectly understandable. It is normal. You have been hurt and betrayed. How can you NOT be angry?

It does get better with time. Time is an ugly word and concept I know. But this is all still pretty new and raw.

Define your boundaries and let him know that he needs to start behaving like he wants to be there and shelf his ego and be there for you. If he can't do that then you have an indication of where he stands.

You then can make the decision if you are going to allow him to be this way or choose another path.

I would also demand proof that he broke it off. NC letter or email that you watch him send.

Right now I think he's waiting out the storm and will not truly change.

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1182 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Mine did that at first. It's almost like you have to tell them and lead them to do what you need. That's what I learned. But, I didn't know what I 'needed' until I got to SI...

It's still incredibly new for you, sweetie...take it easy. I think he's pissed because he doesn't know how to make it better. His guilt is finally setting in.

It took my H a while to get it right...Anger and defensiveness was reserved for ME, NOT HIM.

1Faith always has such great advice! YEs, IC/MC sooooooo important. I just didn't think about doing it untill I felt I could function again...I totally feel your pain. If it weren't for IC/MC, H and I would not be together this very day working on R.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 11:05 AM, June 14th (Friday)]

Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Topic Posts: 12