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User Topic: Why the Back and Forth? MC Experience
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Sorry this is long....

He wasn't into MC before but now he seemed gung ho. The fact is, it was another crumb. I took it again. I keep saying I'm not going to take it, but I took it again. At this point I just feel like I'm re-assaulting myself by participating in whatever the hell this is with him. For me it's not a game, we have a child. For him...he could do this shit forever. But if it's true that NC=No New Hurts, then that's where I'm headed.

We went to see an Imago MC. A good one. Expensive. His name has been mentioned here in this forum before. Good guy...we don't really get into the meat of the problems, or the A, we just work on communicating. Mirroring. The counselor asks me to start...anything I want. I say, I need to be able to ask you about the details about your A. You answering questions will help me heal. You not answering questions makes me feel there is still a part of your life you are keeping secret. You are still protecting something, hiding something..lies by omission.

He replies that doing that is like toiling soil in the desert. He says, "I'm done. Done with all of this. Done with us fighting all the time. Coming here so we can have a referee." The MC says, then why are you here? When the MC continues to prod him he says, "I flipped a switch and turned off my emotions for you a while ago. I can't switch them back on. I just don't love you in that way."

The MC says, "so when you say you are done, what do you mean?" He cannot answer. The MC asks me to tell him what I am hearing. I say, "what I hear is that you don't love me, you want a divorce, and you want to be free."

He says, "No, that's not what I'm saying. I do love you. I don't want a divorce, and I will never be free."

I tell the MC to excuse my french, but I feel like I'm getting mind fucked and I can actually feel my brain being penetrated while this is happening. This isn't the first time I've heard the ILYBINILWY, but this time it's more creative.

The MC backs him into a corner, asks him what he does want...do you want to be separated? Living in separate houses but not a divorce? Living in the same house but in separate rooms? He cannot answer. He says he knows divorce is inevitable. He says he totaled the marriage. He says even if I say I want to work on it that's not what I really mean and I will change my mind.

The MC says he suggests that we don't leave the marriage for 6 months, that we don't murder each other, don't commit suicide, don't go crazy, take divorce off the table, don't turn to drugs or alcohol, no contact with OW. He says, if you two don't work on your problems now you will end up in other relationships reliving these problems. He says come back next week and tell me if you want to do the 6 month thing. WS makes the next appointment.

I walk out of there thinking, why, why make another appointment? In my world, saying I don't have feelings like that for you...that seems to indicate that you don't want to be in the relationship. Why keep up the charade? To have someone to fall back on? It hurts.

We leave MC and he says, let's go to breakfast. We get in my car. I start driving and then something comes over me. I think, why am I going to bkfast, he just told me he doesn't love me like that. I start turning around. He says, where are you going. I say, I'm taking you back to your car. I drop him off and he slams the door like I'm the one who just told him I don't love him like that.

He spends the day sending me these texts:

Him: "I'm sorry"
Me: "Don't be sorry. I'm glad you were honest."
Him: "I said a lot but I guess you just got one thing out of it"
Me: "We shouldn't go back. It confuses me because it makes me think that by going there is hope and possibility where there is none. Thank you for participating, but it just makes me confused."
Him: "I'm confused too."
Me: [Crickets]
Him:"I'm having a real hard time pulling it together today...I can't hardly stop crying and I miss my boy [DS] so much."
Me: [Crickets]
Him: "Sorry I pissed you off this morning. I don't think I said what I feel. Just what I'm thinking in my crazy brain."
Me: [Crickets]

Today he writes:
Him: "Just for the record, I do love you. Tell DS I love him too"
Me: [Crickets]

I just can't anymore. I'm tired...looking for an IC for myself and focusing my efforts on myself now. I don't think I can sit with the MC again and keep hearing this stuff. It's sad. We have a baby. But it doesn't matter...I'm not confused about what I need in a partner.

Please bring on 2x4's or translations. I know it's all cake eating and bullshit. But please feel free to remind me.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 1:57 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 36
10 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!!
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 313 | Registered: Apr 2013
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Your H knows he screwed up terribly, and he can't imagine recovering, and he's panicked. It almost sounds like a version of Aesop's 'sour grapes' story.

If he gets out of panic mode and starts listening to you, R might be possible. I'm biased toward the C process, and I think IC is essential for virtually all WSes, so I think his hope for healing and your hope for R lie in IC for him.

I just can't anymore. I'm tired...looking for an IC for myself and focusing my efforts on myself now. I don't think I can sit with the MC again and keep hearing this stuff. ...But it doesn't matter...I'm not confused about what I need in a partner.

Working on yourself - excellent choice. You can work through the pain and make the best decision for you about R, D, or waiting - and frankly it sounds like the A could be a deal breaker. Still, your outlook might change if he gets his head together.

It also sounds like you've set a good strong boundary for yourself - you won't go to MC unless your H stops the ILYBINILWY crap. Makes perfect sense for any BS to set that limit. Brava!

Shirley Glass posits a stage of recovery called 'working on the M'. You do R-type things without committing to R. It helps you heal, and it gives you a head start if you choose R. It sounds like it might be a good choice for you.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:17 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8917 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, June 14th (Friday)

I remember, when FWH finally decided I was so wacko maybe we did need MC to teach me how to behave.

Never mind he hadn't done the hard work in IC. Never mind he clung to the lies he told himself like they made sense. Never mind he was now fencesitting about doing the work necessary for me to consider wanting to R. He wanted to rewind to the days when I was blissfully ignorant and he was half committed to lord knows what and couldn't I just quit with all this negativity. It really was most unbecoming of me, ya know ?

Meanwhile, I was done. Detaching. Perfectly aware, by his inaction, that he was not willing to truly work on R. So, like the self-betraying ding-dong I can tend to be, I agree to go to MC.

Well, once we got past the how-de-doos and a brief background, MC asks what we want. H wants better communication and conflict resolution between us. I respond I want him to do the real work I requested addressing the A. I did not know who he wa, but who he was showing himself to be was nobody I'm interested in communicating or problem solving with. If this is who I was being asked to build a M with, I wasn't interested. If he decided he still did need to do the work, dig in, get to his why's, figure out who he was and who he wanted to be, maybe I would want to be married to that guy. I have no idea.

Cornered, huh? MC and H discussed H's work in IC, and decided that perhaps that might be a better place to start. H rose to the occaision. It still bewilders me how some of this garbage really required a gun to the head before H would budge. It was so hurtful and so unbelievable.

Bottom line is he needed to undo the lies he told himself before he could ever address the lies he told me. It has been a really long road. But it is getting downright lovely at times.

Hang in there newmom, sounds like you are smarter and better at boundaries than me. You know what you need. And you deserve no less.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
traditoperanni
Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, June 14th (Friday)

NewMom0220,

Sounds like your wh needs to grow the F up and own his shit.
Maybe you are not ready for MC but definitely IC for you. It's time to concentrate on you and your baby. I would definitely 180 him. Is he living at home?
I know the MC suggested tabling everything for six months but what exactly is he going to be doing during these 6 mons? Is the A over?
Personally, I would sit him down and nicely tell him since you do not want to discuss the A and you say you do not love me, how about we discuss separating, Let's work out custody, and child support and where you are going to live during this time? Because I do not want someone around me who doesn't love me.
Sometimes they need to have their BS thrown in their faces.
Take care of yourself and your baby.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 414 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
What?  Posted: 4:15 PM, June 14th (Friday)

What really strikes me about your post is the way he quickly muddied the waters:

"You not answering questions makes me feel there is still a part of your life you are keeping secret. You are still protecting something, hiding something..lies by omission."

From there he jumps to "being done". And the topic changes to what he means - not what secrets he is keeping...

NewMom - I think there is a lot you don't know...yet. And he thinks that if you did know - you'd be done.

MC with an un-remorseful spouse is a waste of good money.... better to invest in IC at this point in time.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4099 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, June 14th (Friday)

I will never be free

Mad at this. WTF? Melodramatic. Me, me, me - my life is fucking RUINED! Mot just my marriage, my life!! Attention-seeking, blameshifting, baby talk.

I don't have a lot to offer except that I think your MC did a good job handling the situation, so that's something if you do decide to go.

I am also impressed with your texts. You answered them perfectly and then went crickets when his fishing went deeper.

My WH and I went to MC without IC after D-Day 1. Meh. It was fine but not that helpful and crap would come out of it that boiled my blood. Now we're both in separate IC and inching - 6 months after the end of TT, D-Day 2 - towards MC.

I think your desire to get IC is spot on. Best shit ever. Just detach from him as best you can, focus on you, and come back to the whole decision of stay/go/is he really this big of an asshole question later.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

Thank you all for the replies.

Traditoperanni: I kicked him out after DDay when I realized he wasn't reallly remorseful and he gave me the ILYBINILWY speech. Best decision I ever made. He's never really tried hard enough to come back.

Take2: I agree. He is not offering to be open and honest and when I push for answers he gets defensive. He has said some things here and there to try to make believe that he hates the OW now or that he didnt mean for the A to happen, but he isn't willing to really talk about it or fill in the blanks for me. I doesn't matter at this point. He just wants to rugsweep and I'm not doing that. I was willing to work it out, but not like this. SI has taught me well and I'm not sticking around just for him to do this to me again. He either does the work or not...and he isn't.
I went back to my phone records from pregnancy/childbirth and revisited the time when I was giving birth and in the hospital for 5 days and he was on the phone calling/texting the OW. Telling her he was going o leave me. Telling her he loved her. Keeping her posted on my son's birth. Gross. I can't get passed it and try and work on things cause he won't talk about it. So I guess I'll have to get comfort and healing about that from myself.

I called to make an appointment with an IC and spent the weekend reading Codependent No More.

He thought I would be going to his family's father's day celebration. I texted back that the baby will be ready to pick up when he gets here.

Boundaries. Detachment. IC. That's my new motto.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 1:20 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 36
10 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!!
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 313 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 7