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User Topic: you cant make them feel
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, June 14th (Friday)

We all wish for our WS to feel something for us. We want them to feel real remorse. We want them to GET what their A did to us.

I was there. I worked hard to fix my WW. I wanted her to feel those things. I wanted her to be a remorseful WS like many of the WW that post here on SI.

But you cant create something from nothing. A plant will never grow there there is no seed. Our WS will either GET it or they wont. They will either have remorse and will feel the pain they have inflicted upon us, or they will not.

I prayed. I wished. I hoped. I argued. I spied. I insisted on concealing. I insisted on transparency. The more I pushed and insisted and wished and hoped, the more resistance I got from my WW. The more I pushed the less likely it was that she would feel these things.

It took me a long time to realize that there was nothing I could do. There was no seed there. There was noting I could do and nothing to be done. And I realized that the smart thing for me to do was to do nothing. Just let it be. And let WW be.

Trying to fix a WS is like chasing Alice down the rabbit hole. Insanity lies that way. And nothing will come of it.

I feel that a WS either gets it right away or they never will. The seed is either there or it is not. Either way there is nothing we can do about it. Neither god or man can create something out of nothing. The seed must be there and the WS has to be willing to care for it. We cannot force that to happen. If you try, nothing will work and you will only get anger, resentment, and resistance in return.

We are each in this life alone. We travel the path we travel alone. Along the way we learn what we can and at death take that and move on with it. Every person has their own path to follow. We cant force another person to follow our path. They must follow their own because they have their own lessons to learn.

No point to this other than to say that to hope and wish and pester and demand and cajole and force our WS to feel something will in the end come to nothing. Let them know how they hurt you. It will either matter to them or it wont. If it does matter they will find that seed and care for it. If not they wont.

All we can control is our self. Watch your WS. They know the boundaries. Threats wont matter. They will either cross them or they wont. What they do is either ok with you or it isnt. You can choose to stay or go. That is all you can do.

[This message edited by Razor at 2:56 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3429 | Registered: Sep 2007
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, June 14th (Friday)

That's it, Razor.

I think, maybe, that part of healing might be the realizations that you've kindly posted for us.

The trouble is, when DDay is upon us, it's almost a feeling of automatic pilot, like a reflex, to chase what has run away. For me, for my father and some others, we could not be told the things you wrote, but had to learn them in some of the hardest lessons there are in life.

And for some, like he and I, we were never actually told the seed is not there and it made it all the more difficult a lesson to learn.

Like needing a bat to the head.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2202 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Ash. Im a slow learner so it has taken me a very long time to finally see this. For most if not all of us I think this is a lesson we can not be taught but instead be something we must learn the hard way. A sad sad truth it is.

This is similar to the thinking I had during WWs LTA. I knew something was amiss. And yet I refused to see it because I didnt want to see it. I made excuses and lied to myself. This just like a BS that hopes their WS gets it and is actually sorry for the pain they caused us.

We want so badly for our WS to actually give a damn about us. We stay because we hope that with time and enough love from us that they will feel these things. And actually care.

If only WSs could seize this moment. Right after Dday we BS are still in love with them. But blaming and TT kill that love. If the WS could get it and work HARD for us right then I think many more M would be saved.

Denial from the WS and hoping from the BS. Painful lessons to be had.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3429 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Learning to let go of outcomes was a very hard lesson for a control freak.

Hopefully, I'm a little less freakish these days...


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20020 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, June 14th (Friday)

I feel that a WS either gets it right away or they never will.

I disagree with this statement. It took my wife nearly half a year to get it. She even joined SI and had the Waywards trying to reach her..but she just wouldn't pull her head out.

I agree, that you can't make them get it. But disagree that if it isn't there right away, it never will be.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Freak, raising my hand here too...

I get it now, but that doesn't mean my heart and head dont struggle against one another.

It's something you need to carry in all relationships, not just the M.

Best lesson I ever learned, but the toughest one too....


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, June 14th (Friday)

It took my wife nearly half a year to get it

I think six months is as close to asap as it gets lol....


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, June 14th (Friday)

you may be right on that.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
BoardPearl
Member
Member # 25463
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, June 14th (Friday)

I so agree with you that every person must follow their own because they have their own lessons to learn.

I felt like I had to take 'action', and to make something happen. Or that it was my fault and that I didn't do enough to save the marriage.

As time went on, I realized that there was nothing left for me to do. That I can't control everything in life. Even though the pull to control it all was immense.

We divorced, and he has two new children already! OC and a new baby. I am in a relationship and am doing well.

The problem is that the children have gone through a whole lot of suffering, but I know they are doing better.

It's like watching a tsunami ruin your life and observing how it affects those you love.


Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Europe
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, June 14th (Friday)

We want so badly for our WS to actually give a damn about us. We stay because we hope that with time and enough love from us that they will feel these things. And actually care.

If only WSs could seize this moment. Right after Dday we BS are still in love with them. But blaming and TT kill that love. If the WS could get it and work HARD for us right then I think many more M would be saved.

Denial from the WS and hoping from the BS. Painful lessons to be had.

OMG this is IT right here for me. And it is me trying to change my FOO issues (my dad never told me he loved me). So I keep thinking if I can get WH to (pick me) then it will prove that I am lovable. This stuff is so hard to work through.

So a question for you Razor if you don't mind, have you detached from your WW since coming to this conclusion? This is the part I struggle with is what do I do with this knowledge of knowing my WH may never be capable of giving me what I need post DDay? I guess that's the question I need to ask myself because I'm not sure I want to be with someone like that.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Crazy.
I struggle. But am mostly ok.

If I see some small indication of caring from her its hard to not hope and not jump back into caring. It has always turned out to be insanity though. Because those shiny indications have always been false. And I always have come away disappointed and sad when I see the falsehood in them.

I dont believe WW is being vindictive. I dont believe she deliberately is giving me false hope. Maybe she is just happy for a moment and gives off false signs that she cares for someone outside of herself.

Still though I get sucked in and start caring. Im quicker at seeing the falsehood of it these days. And so. While disappointed. I disengage.

As to a WS not getting it right away after Dday. Maybe so. Maybe some can come to see what they destroyed in time. I feel though that the damage caused so soon after dday by all the blaming and lies and omissions and even continued contact with AP. I think that is just too much to expect a person to move beyond. Affairs can harm a marriage. All that comes after Dday can bury it forever.

Of this I can only speak from my own experiences. WW did not get it right away. Blaming. Anger. Lies. All of it. She has never felt remorse or empathy at any level. I doubt she ever will.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3429 | Registered: Sep 2007
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, June 14th (Friday)

It took me a very long time to accept this.

But truer words have never been spoken.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8559 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, June 14th (Friday)

((Razor)) I am in the same boat. I get morsels of remorse and then I get some of that falsehood and I'm disappointed all over again. I don't know why it took me 17 years and many A's on his part for me to see this. I feel like an idiot.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 13