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Reconciliation
User Topic: Fathers Day
shortee126
Member
Member # 35803
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Just wondering how others are feeling with Fathers Day coming up? I took the girls shopping today for their dad for Fathers Day. They pointed out that I had yet to choose a card for their dad from me.In the past I have felt really great and picked out a wonderful card to express how I felt but this year I am struggling with figuring out how I feel. I love my husband but at this point I do not feel all of the mushy stuff that is in the cards and ended up getting sad. I did not pick him a card and figured I would try again tomorrow.
I hate how now everything is a process where before there would be no thought at all. Not a fan of second guessing!

[This message edited by shortee126 at 9:48 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


BS- 35
WS-34
married 11 years together 17
DD- 5/27/12
He walked out on me and the girls 5/26/12
Recovery started 9/15/12

Hoping for Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom!!!!


Posts: 129 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: New York
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Interestingly, I'm feeling pretty good about father's day. WH has grown a lot in the past 6 months and his fatherhood is what has shined the most, so it was kind of easy for me to pick the card.

But I know where you're coming from because Mother's Day was sort of a hard process for me. I wanted it to be celebrated and I wanted him to get mushy, but I was also kindy pissy (it was kind of triggery that he could have an A while I was being mommy...and then try to celebrate it). It was a mix of emotions and I wasn't clear on what I wanted/needed. And, just like you, I felt this low-grade sadness mixed with love.

Instead of a card - maybe just a gift? I mean, if you want to express something to him, but don't feel right about the "deep stuff" - keep it superficial. Or write your own letter if the cards aren't expressing it right for you.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, June 14th (Friday)

I understand what you are saying. Last Father's Day, I was thinking-you have to be kidding me. But my WH is a good father. H does cherish our boys. And sometimes, I watch and listen to him with the boys and am impressed by what a great dad he is. And what a good team we are. Are you able to recognize his contributions as a father? You don't need a mushy card. You don't need to give him a card at all. He isn't your father... Take care.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
Offhispedestal
Member
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, June 14th (Friday)

The first Father's Day after DDay
Was tough. I got a card more directed at the type of father he's always been but not something that came directly from my heart and romantic. He honestly was not offended and understood. I'm sure he would have done the same if the shoe was on the other foot. This year I got him a card that is like 75% romantic and loving.


You don't have to go all out of your way until your heart matches with what the card says.


ME-44
WH-45
Married 24


2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R


Posts: 639 | Registered: Jun 2011
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, June 14th (Friday)

How about giving him a small gift instead? Perhaps a bottle of his favorite wine. That way, the thought is there, but you don't have to say something mushy.

On the other hand, I found during R that loving feelings follow loving actions. Perhaps you can try that approach and see if it helps with some of the negative feelings you are struggling with. There is no harm in showing someone you care; even though your heart may be telling you something else.

I do understand how you feel. So sorry for what you are going though.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Despite MC making clear statements to WH about wasting opportunities like Mother's day last year, all I got from WH for Mother's day this year was a card. That's all he'll get from me.

Maybe I can find one that talks about what a wonderful father he has been, tossing balls to his boys, teaching them to ride a bike... None of which is true. I used to be a nice person. Honest. I really was.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 11:28 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, June 14th (Friday)

since all of this happend...i just get a kid card that comes from our 2 year old. and i sign both me and my baby's name. i will also include a small gift from the baby too.

i used to love spending time in the card aisle picking just the right card.

i did this before the a...during the a...and during the false r.

i am not ready to spend any significant amount of time getting him a mushy card from me at all.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 979 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
seekingtomorrow
Member
Member # 39068
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, June 15th (Saturday)

one of the things I am having to forgive my partner for Is the affect his infidelity did and could have had on the children.... we have spoken a lot about it, I see his actions as a betrayal of the children just as much as of m, now we have talked he can see why I see it that way, and when he looked at it through my eyes he was devastated as he hadn't registered it that way, he'd known he was betraying me,, but hadn't registered that his risking exposing me to an std risked our baby as well (I was pregnant) and he hadn't resisted that by spending money on his affairs he was taking money away from or home, making our home less stable. he is a good dad, he loves our children but I do feel that his infidelity betrayed his children as much as it did me as they have had to go without so much due to our financial worries while he was spending money on these things and telling me he was at work when he was not... its difficult to reconcile the two. however I asked my husband what he wanted for father day his year and he said nothing,,,, he will be working away anyway,,, and he's feeling lot of shame at the moment and the idea of fathers day is as overwhelming to him right now as it is to me.


D-day 1 august 1st 2012
D-day 2 October 31st 2012

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2013
Shattered-Heart
Member
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, June 15th (Saturday)

I've been struggling, too. With all of them, anniversaries, birthdays, etc. Got him a 'gadget Dad' card for our DS to sign for him, and a Groupon for stand up paddle boarding taster course (2 hrs, bonus is it was 60% off). So something small, that he'd probably love since he's into kayacking/canoeing/etc, and if nothing else I'll have a fun time watching him fall off! :) Nothing mushy, nothing romantic, and a day out in public to keep us distracted.


Me BW
Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 180 | Registered: May 2011
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 15th (Saturday)

This is our first Father's Day since dd.
WH couldn't make Mother's Day everything that he wanted due to some other events/situations going on at the time and I was OK and in agreement, so I really can't hold one up against the other here.

For Father's Day, he has already received some gifts (I got him some new stuff for his Big Green Egg, and our son came home with new barbeque tools). Other surprises to come.
I've planned a big cookout celebration-he loves those.
Finally10 is working hard in IC to learn empathy and how to be emotionally conscious and totally honest always, so I am giving his work on these things a nod with this celebration of Fatherhood. He is becoming a better father and is owning his faults for the most part. I want him to know I see his progress, hence a nice celebration for him.

Finding a card that I like is tough, so I will probably write something myself.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Daisy312
Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, June 15th (Saturday)

Last year I had my DD make a card, but I didn't give him anything. This year I feel he has been a great father so even though I'm hurting still I am making a picture gift with the girls, and planning a small family trip. But unfortunately, no mushy card or letter from me. I'm not ready to say those things. I was always the one telling him how much I loved and cared for him. He doesn't want gifts anymore. Says he would rather me spend the money. On myself since I deserve it.

Posts: 278 | Registered: Sep 2012
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

This Fathers Day is different then the others. As the A entered our marriage I felt a strong need to protect my family...have even had urges to gather my girls up and leave my WW. As I have seen the OM around our small town I feel a need to bull-up and stare him down...he chooses the other sidewalk. I bull-up more when with my daughters. But this urge is also passing...like all my other negative urges. I know he has his own cross to bear as he deals with the damage he brought unto his family.

As I experience this I find comfort in the role a Father has in protecting the family.

Someone else mentioned that their WS actions were as much a betrayal of the family as it was of them. I concur. It is something to see such a threat come from someone so close as a spouse is. BS will do well to think about this and know their WS must live with their decisions....rebuilding or divorcing, they will bear that cross forever.

I have come a good distance from last Fall. I am grateful for that.

I am also grateful for the life I have and the girls that my wife and I conceived during better times. I am grateful for my wife, faults and all. I have become a better man through these trials. This is the worse part of for better or worse.

Just like a person fighting cancer...I don't know the outcome of this. I have hope for the future and faith in God. I draw strength from my role as a Dad and know that the pain I feel as I work to rebuild and, in turn, protect my family, is effort well spent.

God bless us all...but particularly Fathers today.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:49 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3971 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

my husband is a great dad. he deserves to be honored for that. I had a crummy dad. when hubby says it's not husband's day I say but you are the father of my children, you did a great job, and you deserve to be honored for that. I got him several little gifts.
I wanted to make him a cake or a pie but he just wanted those deep fat fried individual cherry pies from Little Debbie. Seriously, I am a great baker and this is what he wants. for .99


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5261 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Jadedgirl
New Member
Member # 36029
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

I cannot do cards for anything anymore. So I dont, maybe I will start a greeting card line for relationships in reconciliation (million dollar idea). Instead I write letters and since Christmas I've been writing in the journal I got for us to share. I agree with a previous poster that infidelity is not just a betrayal to the marriage but a betrayal to the family. If I had decided that Monday morning at 1:30 am to D then my children would have felt the horrible effects of WHs choice to get a cheap thrill. So I can completely understand when someone calls into question someone's parenting due to their waywardness.


Me (BW) - 36
Him (WH) - 35
Married 15 years (HS sweethearts)
DD - 9, DS 2
OW - I don't really care enough about her to acknowledge her!

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 14