SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Gah! Real life intrudes.
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, June 15th (Saturday)

So we have been doing great. fWH continues to be a "new" man and we continue to be close and connected and have passion like never before.

And now, work crisis. His surgeon, who he has been mentoring since he was an intern and was trying for over a year to make a partner, has decided in fact not to become a partner and instead go out and compete against him. This is after he helped him build a client base for himself and the practice. (no covenant; don't ask). So this is stressful and distressing, major betrayal. Sadly, this is one of the rare men that he ever got close to, and now this. Now he has to do a search, but in the meantime he will have to take 100% of surgery call for the foreseeable future. He can't go back to my hometown with me next month (first time he would have come in years and my brother and his family will be there--my fWH hasn't met my youngest nephew who is 7!).

Plus this is all triggery for me, since it was my unquestioning support for his work, never asking about the long hours, etc, which he took advantage of for his LTA. It was the stress of building this clinic that was in part to blame for the LTA, and all his bad behavior has been associated with work. Plus, last year when I went back home without him, he took that opportunity to hang out with the new intern and her husband that I had told him I was uncomfortable with, then, after I got home told me he thought it was a good thing that we had had time apart. I remember thinking coming home from the airport that I would have to leave him.

I have brought all this up and he reassures me that he is a different person now, and I do understand this. Plus I don't want to add to his stress by getting all triggery. But we are still vulnerable, he has just started his work. Gah!

Last night rather than fussing while I waited for him to come home I did the things I used to do; played some Chopin on the piano, studied some art, danced around in my living room to my latest dance mix. I told him I was going back to being independent. He didn't like that. I told him that I needed to take care of myself and he said fine, as long as he could continue to take care of me too. I liked that answer.

Today I am still feeling unsettled and he is back at work. I ended up buying and planting flowers and getting fun food to spoil him with this weekend. I have always doted on him, but the dynamic has shifted since D-day. So I am going back to spoiling him a little while he's dealing with this and it does feel good.

Side note. Last night for the first time in a long time I asked him a question. One of my hardest things to deal with is that he and OW went to the same out of town conference in 2008. He has told me that he was apprehensive rather than excited that she would be there because he did not want to hang out with her. They did have sex two of the three nights but he did not stay the night. When I asked him why he said that it was uncomfortable. When I said that I thought that he still liked her at that point he replied that he doesn't think he every liked her. I have never had sex without love, but I can imagine that having mediocre passionless sex with someone you don't like would make the aftermath uncomfortable. Just more of the pathology.

Anyway, I may be a little needy. Glad I have you all!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1710 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
FeelsSoRight
Member
Member # 28377
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

I can't believe no one has commented before now. My H & I just got home from DJ'ing a wedding so first time I've been able to really read posts today. That being said...

Sounds to me like you are handling this all in a very healthy way. It also sounds like your FWH is doing so as well.

You go girl!


Me - W - 48
Him - H - 47
Together since we were 14/15
Married 27 yrs in August (renewed our vows in 2011-H's idea!)
DD-23, DS-15
Separated for 7 mos & were 3 wks from divorce when we reconciled
Happily R for almost 4 years

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: MO
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

It may be a huge addition to his learning curve to feel the betrayal aspect of believing in his trainee. You may find that your WH is more willing to work to help you now that he has had a walk in the mocs as they say.

I hope indeed, for you, that this is the case!


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 24 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 4:39 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

Thanks ladies!

Unfortunately his whole life been defined by betrayal (CSA), but you're right that he "gets it" more now.

So yesterday after my H got home from work we ate the mud pie I had made him, (which he loved!), we both took a nap, then went for a bike ride. Afterwards he started a bath with music and wine, I added candles. We slowed danced, naked. Then he made me feel very loved for a very long time . Finally we made a late dinner together and had more mud pie in bed.

So I'm feeling much better today! And I'm loving the empty nest!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1710 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
putonahappyface
Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

Way to turn things around Cat! Mud pie in bed - awesome!


BS (me) - 50; SAWH- 51 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 21&17
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: discovered porn addiction
4 years out: M is strong; FWH is a new man :)


Posts: 719 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
Topic Posts: 5