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User Topic: Thank You Passive-Aggressive Sperm Donor
Mama_of_3_Kids
Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

Frankly I am too busy for the stupid games my PA Sperm Donor plays. I was out of the country until last Monday and then went back to work on Tuesday. He has called a few times, at the most inconvenient times and I have not had the time to talk to him (nor do I really care to). I just received a crappy text (from him) that he had a stroke three weeks ago, due to seizures, and that he is in a nursing facility. I feel bad for him, but dang it where was he when I was a little girl who was sick and had to be held down to be stuck with needles numerous times? Where has he been my entire life, when everything is going wrong? Where has he been when he should have been here protecting me from the men who molested me? He was in another part of the US and wanted nothing to do with me...that's where! Now, as he sits paralyzed, due to a stroke, he wants me to be there for him!?!?! Screw that crap!


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11555 | Registered: Dec 2009
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

((((Mo3k))))


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51940 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Mama_of_3_Kids
Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

Thank you, Moo


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11555 | Registered: Dec 2009
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

(((Mama)))


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37323 | Registered: Sep 2007
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

(((Mo3k)))

I know how this must bring on some very negative memories.

Now, as he sits paralyzed, due to a stroke, he wants me to be there for him!?!?! Screw that crap!
I would feel the same as you do right now.
I do believe we reap what we sow and many times this happens late in life when family is all that is left to help. They want nothing to do with the person because of the way they were badly treated and neglected.
Hugs
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20368 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
Mama_of_3_Kids
Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

At the same time I feel bad for thinking that though. Thank you for the hugs


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11555 | Registered: Dec 2009
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

(((Mama)))


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 68
DS - 12
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24448 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
sullymeishadomi
Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

((Mo3k)) I know its a complicated situation. A few weeks ago the egg donar passed. My opinion is these people made their beds, they have to deal with it. Contributing dna doesnt make a person a parent.

If you dont want anything to do with him, dont. Make peace with it, let it go.

Sorry, doll, that he walked away from you.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8214 | Registered: Sep 2007
Mommato4
Member
Member # 15906
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

(((Mama)))


Updated 2014:
BS-me 41
XH-doesn't matter
4 kids
Divorced-7/25/08

SO-5 years together-he decided to end it by cheating too


Posts: 1377 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: PNW country
MoreThanMe
Member
Member # 25451
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

I'm so sorry ((Mama)). My mom is the same way. Its was "inconvenient" for her to keep my children for two nights during CHRISTMAS while I was having a c-section. Why "inconvenient" you ask? Because it would mean driving 20 minutes out of the way. Crazy, huh?

That was the last straw-I've almost gotten her completely out of my life-with counseling. But I know that day will come-when my step-dad (sperm donor to his kids too) won't be around or able to take her to the doctor-and I wonder If I'll have the strength to say "no."

If it matters-I hope that you can say "no." I'm cheering you on-not to because I think you should be mean-but to let him and, more importantly, you know-that you're not this little girl standing around waiting for him to love you/be a part of you life. He doesn't get to skip fathering/grandfathering to ailing parent who's child loving cares for him in his old age. It's really even more shitty than his not being around. I don't know why that is? Seriously-you might consider counseling-that is so unfair to you.

I wonder if I will have the strength to say no?
Anyway-sorry to go on and on-just want you to know that you aren't alone-and that at least one person knows what a crap feeling that is.


Brevity, typos & misspellings provided by my ipad and fatigue.
It's been 4 years, SA husband sober. We're doing okay. Today.

fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009


Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2009
Mama_of_3_Kids
Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

Thanks everyone. The thing is I had planned on sending him a happy father's day text and leaving it at that. Now though, I just don't know how to respond. I feel like not responding is being just as PA as him, however I'm afraid me just saying happy fathers day lets him off. I've thought about sending him, "sorry to hear you're Ill. I'm working 7days a week between my job and two businesses and have been quite busy since I got home from Ethiopia. I hope you have a good fathers day." but I almost feel like that is too nice too

[This message edited by Mama_of_3_Kids at 8:24 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11555 | Registered: Dec 2009
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

(((Mama)))

Posts: 34709 | Registered: Mar 2011
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

(((HUGS)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

(((((Mama))))

I think your text is fine.

Sometimes the best we can expect to give them is a Hallmark relationship. Cards at holidays only. It works for a lot of us.

More hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Mama_of_3_Kids
Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

Kajem, That is what I sent. I got back, "There is more to it. Call you when you have a moment." This is why I didn't want to text at all. I don't *want* to know the extent of it. What does he want me to do about it? He has MS, he's going to eventually be paralyzed, I know this. I've been abandoned by him my whole life why would I want a relationship with him only to watch him die a slow, painful, and hard death...only to have him abandon me again because he will be incapacitated and won't be able to die peacefully???


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11555 | Registered: Dec 2009
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

((((Mama))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25047 | Registered: Aug 2011
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

((((Mama))))

I wish I had a magic wand. I see your anguish and your struggle. I will say that completely from the outside and with no experience I don't think you OWE him anything. Not a happy FDAY wish, not excuses for why you are busy with your life, not a phone call and certainly not the guilt.

If you scripted the conversation, is there anything he could say or do in the next conversation that would make you feel ok/better? And then, if there is, how likely are you to get it?

Whatever you decide to do, do it for you.

(((so many hugs)))


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5774 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

(((Mama_of_3_Kids)))
I'm sorry.


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

(((Mama)))


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9694 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
aLadypilot
Member
Member # 1822
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

I'm so sorry. I'm not sure why you can't tell him why you can't be there for him? Make him understand that it was his actions that led him to this place? That way he can't self justify and think that he was a great dad and he doesn't understand why you've 'abandoned' him, as he may tell himself. I think he needs to recognize the hard truth.
Sorry again that this is paining you.


Divorced 9/2010
Just married 7/4/13

Posts: 4081 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Twin Cities
Mama_of_3_Kids
Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

If you scripted the conversation, is there anything he could say or do in the next conversation that would make you feel ok/better? And then, if there is, how likely are you to get it?

No, there really isn't anything that could be said that would make me feel better. He's a jerk and has been my entire life...nothing is going to help that fact. As to why I can't say to him what I feel/think, it won't matter so why waste my breath. He doesn't care about anyone but himself.


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11555 | Registered: Dec 2009
gahurts
Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

(((Mo3K)))


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3406 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Mama_of_3_Kids
Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

I am to a point where I simply cannot handle him any longer. Do3K is going to talk to my dad because I just can't right now. I don't need the stress of him being him, so Do3K is going to talk to him and find out the details for me.


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11555 | Registered: Dec 2009
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 17th (Monday)

((((((Mama)))))))


He asked you to call when you have a moment.

You don't. You have 2 jobs, 3 kids, pets, and a husband.

You do not have a moment.


Posts: 3355 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
JustDone
Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, June 17th (Monday)

((((Mo3K))))


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2783 | Registered: Feb 2006
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, June 17th (Monday)

(((Momf3)))


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197314 | Registered: May 2002
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Mama, don't get sucked into the maelstrom of his life.

Don't...just don't.

{{{hugs}}}

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
MoreThanMe
Member
Member # 25451
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, June 17th (Monday)

OMGah. I can't believe that's what he texted back.
You know how I read it first, because unlike him I understand human relationships, I thought he was saying
-there is more to it, call me when you can a chance to mean "call me because I know its not just that you're busy it's that you, understandably, are incredibly anger with me for all those years."
Well, the goods news is-he's still doesn't get it (and the shopping days are almost over)-and so at least you don't have to deal with "I know, I failed you-it was horrible, shitty, selfish, etc..you know it he owned it-because then it would be even harder to say no.
I always tell my husband-that my mom so had the best part of the deal-make amends when she is still able-and then we care for her during the many, many, many more years of when she isn't.


Brevity, typos & misspellings provided by my ipad and fatigue.
It's been 4 years, SA husband sober. We're doing okay. Today.

fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009


Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2009
Mama_of_3_Kids
Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, June 17th (Monday)

He called an additional three times today...me thinks he's getting awful bored in the nursing facility. I found out that my younger sibs and their mom (my step-mom/my dad's current wife...only b/c she hasn't been able to divorce him yet ). My sperm donor is PA and an addict...it's the perfect storm. He hit my step-mom, hence the reason she wants a divorce. There *was* a restraining order on him, but I don't know where she stands with him on all of that. It's just not a good situation at all


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11555 | Registered: Dec 2009
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

(((Mo3K)))

It seems we have lived parallel lives! See my post about almost exactly the same thing. I know, from experience, that this is so, SO hard. I'm sorry either of us, or anyone else, had to go through this mess.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like.


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Feb 2010
Mama_of_3_Kids
Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

(((abby))) You're always welcome to PM me as well.


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11555 | Registered: Dec 2009
Topic Posts: 31