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Reconciliation
User Topic: tired of being paranoid, anyone else???
torn2pieces
New Member
Member # 39029
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

16 months out from dday and i still get paranoid when my h is gone for a bit. last night i called and he said he was with a friend snd hed put friend on if i didnt believe him...things got quiet and then i hung up. Then he came home a few minutes later and i tild him i didnt like how he said that to me. He then said he was sorry. I told him i cant help it and that im paranoid all will happen
again. Today he called from work and said how sorry he was and that he knows i still have a hard time. he assured me hes all aboutme and kids. i see ow all the time so this makes it worse. i just need to move on and stop being obsessive. hes been nc with ow but hwr boundaries are awful. she luvs to be everywhere. how do others move on without moving away? He is remorseful but still makes me ill thinking he did this to me and kids. some weeks are better then others but this week its like a ongoing video in my mind. we live in a small town and theres no chance in not seeing eachother. would love others tips on dealing.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: torn2pieces
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

((Torn)) - I am about that far out from my 2nd dday.... He went it work today while I ran errands. He works a block away from her office and about 5 blocks from her house. I drove by and he was at his office, it sucks that this is part of my life but it is... This far out. I'll never trust him 100% again. Ever, that is my life and vim still trying to figure out if I can live this way.
I think we're both totally normal feeling this way.
People will tell you to trust, even if you don't feel like trusting. Sorry not gonna happen. These are the consequences of his actions.
I guess I have no words of advice but that you have been heard and the feelings you are having are normal....

Hugs Torn!!!!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”


Posts: 3673 | Registered: Dec 2010
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

anytime his phone rings or makes the text message alert sound my heart constricts. Anytime I'm away from the house and I come back in to see him hanging up the phone, anytime he goes out with friends it feels like my gut is twisting. It's my normal right now. I'm learning to accept it day by day.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2395 | Registered: Oct 2012
Sue1964
Member
Member # 37057
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

Been there go the t-shirt and from someone who has come out the otherside its not worth living a life like that.
Life is to short to be worried about if they can keep tier d in their pants.
Start doing stuff yourself get strong and get rid.

Posts: 287 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Uk
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

HELL YES. As if we didn't have any better ways to use our time and energy.

Cheaters are pretty stupid because they usually have it SO good.. their loved one trusts them with all their heart and soul.. they are 'cool' and always give them (and third parties) the benefit of the doubt.. but then the cheater has to stupidly go and RUIN THAT forever... for themselves and the person who now no longer trusts anyone anymore..!!
What is the point of ruining everything for yourself..? Just so you can get a cheap piece of ass behind your partner's back...??

Someone's trust in you is a sacred thing and a privilege and you should treat it with care... not abuse it, take advantage of it, exploit it, use it for your own gain, and destroy it.


Posts: 86 | Registered: May 2013
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

My WW and OM still work together. After nearly three months of paranoia, here's what worked for me.

I gave her up. I read books on detaching and prepared myself for D. I didn't have to go through with it, but knowing that I can D her if she breaks my trust again made me calm.

She goes to work and I don't even think about it.

This is easier said than done. It took me IC and reading books for co-dependents (look for Melody Beatty) before I got there.

Good luck and stay strong.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
The hard part: They still work together.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

It's only paranoia if you see threats that aren't really there. We deal with real treats.

It takes a lot of time to rebuild trust. The mistrust can paradoxically accelerate the rebuild - every time one checks and find things to be the way the should be results in increasing trust.

The fear is a normal result of the betrayal. When one's WS acknowledges the fear, she's helping to rebuild trust.


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8933 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
torn2pieces
New Member
Member # 39029
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

Thanks for all your responses. I do know that I am more then capable of caring for me and my kids but i do hope he continues to work as hard as he has been on our marriage. I just need to remember to focus on the present as theres nothing that can change the past.also wondering how long you all stayed with IC ? I stopped a few months ago because it seemed repetative...it may be time to go back..

Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: torn2pieces
torn2pieces
New Member
Member # 39029
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

Thanks for all your responses. I do know that I am more then capable of caring for me and my kids but i do hope he continues to work as hard as he has been on our marriage. I just need to remember to focus on the present as theres nothing that can change the past.also wondering how long you all stayed with IC ? I stopped a few months ago because it seemed repetative...it may be time to go back..

Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: torn2pieces
powerthroughpain
New Member
Member # 39165
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, June 17th (Monday)

Listen, you have a choice here. Continually mistrust and breed more mistrust. Or trust that life will work out in the way you want it. You can't control him, all you can do is work on yourself. Get to k ow your needs and judge him on that. If he can't meet your needs then he might not be the husband you want, regardless of the affair.

After the affair, I learned that I mistrusted everyone because of FOO issues. I realized that that mistrust kept me from creating beautifully intimate relationships with my family, friends, and even my wife. But I was unconscious of it.

Im 7 weeks out from dday, and I've come a long way. I can't control my wife but I can set the standard of care for me. She wasn't meeting that standard during the affair, so if she was messing around again I would know it by the way she would treat me. Ultimately, that's the part that counts. We've allowed our spouses to treat us with substandard level of care. So free yourself, work on developing your inner strength and setting your boundaries. That is all you can do. You can only be loved up to the point that you love yourself. So love yourself as much as you can!


14 years together 1 dd 3 yold
5 years married
WW dday 4/23/13 8 month ea/pa
WW in ic
Separated
No contact finally 6/3/13
Not working on r
Filing for d

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2013 | From: powerthroughpain
Topic Posts: 10