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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: new here..few questions
freshstart78
New Member
Member # 39556
Question  Posted: 10:55 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

Hi everyone. Ive been lurking here for sometime...finally joined! I have not told my story yet on my profile ......feeling good and not ready to revisit the last 2 and a half yrs yet...lol. Me and my STBXWH are in the beginning stages of divorce. Little back story...married 22 yrs, hs sweethearts, me SAHM for last 13 yrs, DDAY 8-5-11 he had P &E affair with MOW for at least 5 months, he confessed to me, I now believe because MOW husband found out and I feel my STBXWH was worried he would contact me....that's a story for another time tho....lol....we are trying to handle this ourselves....about 2 weeks ago he gave me his proposal, which I feel is somewhat fair....I'm not out to take everything from him. I do feel I could get about double the yrs he wants to pay spousal support to me. However this whole experience....the demise of my marriage, break up of my family, has taken its tole on me. He broke off the affair right after he told me about it but he refused to committee to working on the marriage, and what happened next, over the last 2 yrs, was terrible. I did and said things I never thought I was capable of. I let him have control over my life .....we both turned into people I don't reconize. It only made our pre affair issues worse and the affair just took it to a new level. I went thru horrible depression. I take meds....started them about 2 months b4 dday .....wonder why?! LOL....anyways I'm final feeling good....ready for my new start....me, my kids, oh and I'm gonna be a grandma in about 9 weeks!! I know if I fight the spousal support issue it will only set me back, create more pain for kids with me & STBXWH fighting. I just want to move on and be free of this. I'm done. He has moved out for good over 9 months ago and has been, what I feel, is more than fair with money. Paying for everything since I still do not work. Some of my family and friends get it and some don't. No amount of money is worth the dark places ive been to since this nightmare started. I will get a job and take care of myself.....I just want my freedom and to enjoy life again. My first question is has anyone else felt like this? Next, STBXWH is desparate for us to be friends. This man was my best friend since we were both 17 yrs old....I truly believe he is a good man, we just both weren't who we should of been for one another...and both made bad choices. But I find myself at times thinking "To bad buddy.....I can never trust u again...ur not worthy of my friendship". In the last few weeks I only communicate with him regarding kid/money stuff...I'm pleasant, he is also. He throws in his texts every once in while how he hares that we don't talk...blah blah blah...lol.....I do want to be able to see him or talk on phone with him without getting anxiety or having bitterness towards him. I do miss his friendship at times. Is it possible to be friends someday?


Don't be afraid to start over. Its a new chance to rebuild what you want! D-day 8-05-2011. Me/BW-41. Him/WH-41.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

Gently, you can't be friends with him. He is asking for friendship because he wants to ease his guilt. If both of you are friends, then it can't be too bad what he did right? Friends don't destroy their friends so if you are willing to be friends with him, you are saying it is OK.

Plus being friends gives him a chance to come back when he is ready. You said he didn't want to commit to the marriage, why.... He wants to see what is out there and he is hoping you can be his soft place to land once he realizes that life isn't so great out here in the dating world.
Basically he wants to keep one foot in the door. You need to close it. Your relationship with him has always been as a marriage. If he doesn't want that then he doesn't want you and he needs to let go completely.

I do agree though that a quick split is good for you mentally but still figure what you are entitled too, well because you are entitled to it. He already screwed you out of your marriage. Don't let him screw you in a divorce settlement. YOU make the choice of what you will be happy with. Not him.

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 11:50 AM, June 16th (Sunday)]


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
freshstart78
New Member
Member # 39556
Happy  Posted: 12:44 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

Thank u for ur thoughts. I totally agree with what you said about friends don't treat friends the way he does....I have said it to him countless times when he is being an ass. And I agree 100% about him using it as a foot in the door....I even think its a way to control or should I say try to control me.....I have felt that way so many times. That is why I have distance myself and kept it at a kid/money/ divorce talk level with him for the past few weeks. I have prayed for MANY months to feel like I'm feeling now.....ready to move on, not concerned about what he is doing, excited about the possibilities in my "fresh" start. My goal is to be able to be able to be pleasent to one another and be able to be around one another for the sake of our kids....and to truly be able to let go of the hurt and bitterness I have at times towards him. Its no good and it has caused so much hurt and drama for all of us. As far as the money thing goes I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow to educate myself on what my rights exactly are.....so I can make an informed & educated descision that I am truly comfortable with. I just know in my heart what I am about and its not hate, money or revenge. I just want my control and life back and to enjoy my kids and myself.....since ive let go of the what it's regarding him....and focused on me......I'm liking how this is feeling!!!!


Don't be afraid to start over. Its a new chance to rebuild what you want! D-day 8-05-2011. Me/BW-41. Him/WH-41.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

Do you have a job now? One which will give you a salary you can support yourself on? If not, then you need to go for spousal support. You've been out of the job market for almost as long as I have. Believe me when I say it is nigh impossible to get a job at this point. Unless you have a highly specialized set of job skills that you've kept razor sharp and have employers already salivating at the chance to hire you ASAP.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9856 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
freshstart78
New Member
Member # 39556
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

3weeks after D-day I enrolled in school for medical billing. Prior to becoming a SAHM I was in the business end of medical field. I graduated last September.....and to be honest have not done anything with it yet. I am the primary care giver to my 2 of 3 kids that r still home. My middle son is 18 and my daughter is 15. My 18 yr old is having a baby in less than 2 months.

[This message edited by freshstart78 at 2:12 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]


Don't be afraid to start over. Its a new chance to rebuild what you want! D-day 8-05-2011. Me/BW-41. Him/WH-41.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
freshstart78
New Member
Member # 39556
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

Sorry....posted too soon. My tablet is freaking out. LOL . Anyways he and his 17 yr old girlfriend live with me too. My son works and istaking classes at community college. My daughter, I feel has been hit the hardest with this. When this all started 2 and half yrs ago she was deveststed. He travels for work 2 weeks out of the month and I'm left to deal with all this......nevermind the complete emotional breakdowns I have had.....I was in no shape to work.....coping everyday with my emotions and theirs was enough. We have both agreed I will have a job by Nov 1st this yr....so my butt is getting in gear now. Its just so hard to deal with all these changes in my life and my kid's. Its comforting to know I'm not the only one and others feel whet I have felt....get different perspectives.


Don't be afraid to start over. Its a new chance to rebuild what you want! D-day 8-05-2011. Me/BW-41. Him/WH-41.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
freshstart78
New Member
Member # 39556
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

Sorry....posted too soon. My tablet is freaking out. LOL . Anyways he and his 17 yr old girlfriend live with me too. My son works and istaking classes at community college. My daughter, I feel has been hit the hardest with this. When this all started 2 and half yrs ago she was deveststed. He travels for work 2 weeks out of the month and I'm left to deal with all this......nevermind the complete emotional breakdowns I have had.....I was in no shape to work.....coping everyday with my emotions and theirs was enough. We have both agreed I will have a job by Nov 1st this yr....so my butt is getting in gear now. Its just so hard to deal with all these changes in my life and my kid's. Its comforting to know I'm not the only one and others feel whet I have felt....get different perspectives.


Don't be afraid to start over. Its a new chance to rebuild what you want! D-day 8-05-2011. Me/BW-41. Him/WH-41.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

I was extremely disappointed at how SS/CS is calculated. The court is going to assume, at the very least, that you make minimum wage at a 40-hour per week level. Can you support yourself & your children with the CS level you'll likely receive and no SS? If you add in SS, will you be able to support yourself and the children?

My first lawyer assured me that I would receive SS & CS in an amount that would allow me to continue to be a SAHM. She was very, very wrong. My second lawyer was fairly hopeful that I would be awarded an amount which would tide me over so I could do part-time work while I went back to college to obtain marketable skills. He was also very, very wrong. I am fully screwed.

I don't want you to be screwed. I want you to start looking at how much income you will need to support yourself and your children. Craft a realistic budget, including health insurance for yourself and the sky-high childcare amounts you'll be forking out. Calculate how much of a salary you'll need to generate in order to survive. It's not pretty. See if it's realistic for you to continue to reject the idea of SS.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9856 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Loyalty2Liberty
Member
Member # 36714
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

I warn you that staying drama-free for the sake of the kids may require completely dropping the notion of him being a good person deep down.

Good people do not do what he has done. They certainly do not continue to be douches about it for this long. They absolutely never ever try to cake eat after doing so, with no clear signs of remorse for any of the above.

If you continue to believe he's a good person, it will be so, so much easier for him to worm his way arround your boundaries and ruin your life. It will make it easier for him to get away with beinh rotten to the kids. It will teach your kids that it's ok to cheat, and that it's ok to treat good loyal women like garbage.

Do you want your daughter to think that it's ok for her SO to get her dependant on him then toss her away? That she is being mean or petty if she is hurt by that? That this is the kind of man she should choose?

Do you want your grandbaby to end up like peridot's poor kids, abused by some nutjob stranger and disbelieved about it because their father was a deluded wayward who wanted to think his nutjob abusive OW/new SO was a good person and the grandparents so badly wanted to think well of their own son?


me:BW
him:stbxWh


Posts: 236 | Registered: Sep 2012
freshstart78
New Member
Member # 39556
Happy  Posted: 9:57 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

I will be getting spousal support and child support. Where my problem lays is the amount of yrs he is proposing to pay. If I fight him on it I probably could get double the amount of years he wants to pay. Like I said, I'm seeing a lawyer tomorrow so I can make informed decisions that I'm comfortable with. As far as my kids thinking I condone their fathers affair...that is simply not the case with them. My kids are 20, 18, 15. They know of his affair. They know I fought hard to save my marriage. They all have told me of how proud they are of me and how strong I am in their eyes. Their relationship with their dad suffered for along time over his choices. They just want both their parents to be happy and to be able to be in the same room with them and have no drama......and I'm all for that. I'm not saying I want to be this mans best friend again. I just want no toxic feelings towards him....I want to set an example for my kids.....it was important for them to know that while NOTHING I did or didn't do for their dad warrented him to go outside our marriage like he did. I own my part that made our marriage not what it should of been.....but it is not nor will that ever give someone the right to do what he did. I just want peace.....his karma will one catch up with him.


Don't be afraid to start over. Its a new chance to rebuild what you want! D-day 8-05-2011. Me/BW-41. Him/WH-41.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I am 'friends' with my ex. See those quotations..that means I am friendly with him, I talk to him about his family and his job and things not totally related to our child. I do this because we are parents and I want my son to have parents that can operate properly in regards to him.

A lot of it comes from the fact that he is not my problem anymore. I can hang up the phone when we are done and forget he ever existed. I prefer to have a amicable relationship for the next 8 years or so ..lol. Then he can lose my number.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 11