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User Topic: need advice on how to make BS feel safe...
grains
Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

Hello SI,

DDay has been more than 2 years and we are struggling to reconcile. I have not done enough to give my BS the support she needs. In August my BS will move to another state to take a job and I would have to stay in a different state to keep mine. We will have to do this for a year. We both decided that this is the best option financially. I need advice on how to make my BS feel safe during this period. I will be visiting her often during that time. Your thoughts are very welcome.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
Later
Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

IDK, some of it is obvious - but should not be overlooked.

Frequent contact, and well timed contact.

If you were going to be meeting someone, not neessarily for sex but perhaps for lunch etc when would you do it?

Contact her then, let her know what you are doing: "sitting at my desk having a sandwich, how is your day going?

"I am going to drop by the mall after work, can you think of anything you or the kids need?"


Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

BS here. Do you go to IC? If not, would you go? I know that fact that my H is going means he is digging into himself and this brings me some peace.

Also, daily texts, calls, also great. Have you read Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages. Easy read. I would think it would be very hard to repair a relationship long distance but if you read his book and speak to her in HER language, it helps... altho I do admit that 2/5 languages (touching and quality time) are impossible long distance.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
grains
Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

Later
- Frequent contact and well timed contact. That is a good tool. I will certainly use it.

LA44
- I am seeing an IC and I'm also in a 12 step program. We do have the 5 Love Languages book and it is certainly a good one to always refer to.

Thank you. Let me now if you think up of more things.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

Even if she doesn't ask, take pictures with time stamps and text them to her.

Send her love notes via email and text. Thank her for giving you the opportunity to reconcile, to show her you've changed, to prove your trustworthiness now.

Send her cards in the mail. Flowers just because. Let her know you are thinking of her, often. If you miss her, tell her. Never let a chance go by when you're thinking of her to let her know.

When you're together make the most of that time.

If she needs reassurance, do not get frustrated. Acknowledge her need, tell her how sorry you are that you caused her pain and need for reassurance in the first place.

Patience, loving and understanding.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
hatefulnow
Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

Constant contact. Skype and video chat. Frequent calls and text during the day will also help.

When a person endures this there is always the danger of a revenge affair. They are in a weakened and vulnerable state so frequent contact will help you feel safe too. Lots of I'm sorry and I love yous.


Posts: 125 | Registered: May 2012
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

I like what SamB said too! In addition to the IC and the book reading, texting and calls, "out of the blue" stuff like flowers, notes of love (like, real letters!), and a home made music CD of your songs - old and new - are like wrapping the reassurances with a big bow of loooove.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
tryin2havefaith
Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

Communicate often.
I like the Skype idea...you can take it a step further. See about a food delivery service in her city. Then plan a date nights via Skype.

Try to do things to woo her while you are apart. The more creative the better as she will see you really putting time/effort into R. Remember that actions speak so much louder than words.


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
Steppenwolf
Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

Move with her. Let love triumph over finance.
Or at least use every bit of PTO you have to surprise her with a visit.


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

I like the Skype idea...you can take it a step further. See about a food delivery service in her city. Then plan a date nights via Skype.
Try to do things to woo her while you are apart. The more creative the better as she will see you really putting time/effort into R. Remember that actions speak so much louder than words.

I like this

I have not done enough to give my BS the support she needs.

What do you mean by this?



FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
grains
Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

Thank you SI!

It is odd but I never really use texting but I will start now. The Skype date is a wonderful idea. There will be the cards and the emails, handwritten letters and the regular Skype. My BS planned my trips to see her at approximately three week intervals. I will certainly make each trip special like a holiday with her.

Broevil -

When I say I have not done enough to give my BS the support she needs it is a way of saying that I need to do more and whatever I have done so far still has not given her a feeling of safety.

Thank you again SI. Great ideas! Please tell me more.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, June 17th (Monday)

Be honest with her. Be transparent with her. Be accountable. Listen to her and ask her what she needs from you to feel safe.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, June 17th (Monday)

When I say I have not done enough to give my BS the support she needs it is a way of saying that I need to do more and whatever I have done so far still has not given her a feeling of safety.

Ok. what have you done to make her feel safe?


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Lostinthehills
New Member
Member # 35916
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, June 17th (Monday)

I hope this does not sound out of line but go with her..move to where she will be and sacrifice the job. I think by doing that she will know you are "with" her and feel secure that you are close to her...just a thought

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2012
grains
Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Broevil -
Let me start with what I have not done to make her feel safe.I did not actively seek counseling, get self-help books and even seek a forum like SI. She initiated all those for me. This makes her feel that I am not interested enough in her and in making her feel safe and wanted. Even when she exposed me to SI. I did not actively participate by probing deeper into my problems in posts and in replies. To make her feel safe means to do more of these things.

To the SI crew- thanks for the tips and questions. Please keep them coming.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

OK thanks for the clarity

I've done the same thing, let my BS take the lead.

I'm slowly breaking that habit.

If you guys are readers, you could read the same book and then talk about it.

A year is a long time...I'll keep thinking


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
meplusfour
Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I like to have tangible concrete items to help me feel safe. If you are moving, give BS a copy of your house keys, car keys and any other keys to locations that you may have access to, like a storage locker. Have copies of all of your bank statements, cell phone bills, etc. sent to her new address directly from the bank/phone company so that she can see that there is nothing to hide. Give her all of your passwords to your email accounts if you have not already done so. Do these things in a matter of fact way, without any fanfare.

With respect to keeping close, if both of you have an Ipad, use Facetime to talk while you are both watching the same tv show or movie.

Hope this helps.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 357 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
grains
Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, June 21st (Friday)

broevil -

We read books together and it helps - pages from "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From An Affair" , "The Realtionship Cure" & "How to Date Your Wife". It helps us talk and communicate with each other.


meplusfour-

We have Skype. I got the Skype dinner suggestion but yours is a good one too- Skype while watching the same movie or even different movies.

Thanks for the suggestions. Please keep them coming.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)

If you guys are readers, you could read the same book and then talk about it.

I'm glad you guys read together!

I meant while you are apart. You could pick an un-infidelity related book to read and talk about.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
grains
Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, June 24th (Monday)

broevil

What a great idea! Pick a book - un-infidelity related - and talk about it. It can be a relationship book too. Thanks!


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
Apple3point14
Member
Member # 39035
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I would move there. What a wonderful Way to show that she is what you want. You mention it wouldn't be. The best move financially. I would live in a cardboard box to stay with my wife.
Good luck

Posts: 81 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 21