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Just Found Out
User Topic: How do you adjust
TheRealDeal
Member
Member # 39560
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

I’ve been reading many posts by others and I realized I’m not the only one going through hell. I feel so lost. I’ve been with my SO for 18 years. We never married and didn’t have children by choice. We don’t live together. We’ve been each others ‘best friend’ and our lives/friends intertwined. I noticed a withdrawal by him about 7 months ago but when questioned he said it was related to his relationship with his daughter. I believed him because I knew they were having their own relationship-struggles.
I caught him in lie #1 when I found out he was exchanging emails/pictures with people on craigslist personal ads. He said it only emails, no phone calls and no meeting. After confronted he said he stopped.
Imagine my surprise a few weeks later when sitting at an outside restaurant patio with friends a complete stranger came up behind me and whispered information into my ear. Stranger-bitch said she’d been with him on Sundays and Wednesdays. She mentioned specific details about his bedroom so it was a dead giveaway that she’d been there. In a matter of seconds/minutes my world started crashing. She walked away and when simply questioned “who was that?” he replied that he’d explain to me later. Of course that didn’t happen. Instead, he dropped me off at home and refused to talk. He said that he “had made a mistake” and “didn’t want to talk about”. And off he rode on his motorcycle. And of course he wouldn’t answer his phone and who knows where he stayed that night. But I wrote him a letter saying I deserved respect and an explanation. I didn’t hear from him for a week. contacted him and asked if we could talk. He agreed, told me what had occurred, answered all my questions. Said he still loved me. It was strained but I was willing to try and he said he was too
Exactly 10 days later, after dinner at his place and talking about our upcoming summer vacation plans he sent me a TEXT saying he loved me but something was “missing”. I didn’t know what he meant so I asked; he wouldn’t talk to me but texted me saying he would “in couple weeks”. I truly thought he was trying to figure out if he wanted to try and make it work afterall. Thought he needed some space and gave it to him. He even sent me texts saying he loved me and I was his best friend and always would be. What a fool I was.
After 2 weeks I had had enough and went to his place to get an explanation. He wasn’t home but I discovered undergarments that weren’t mine hanging on his dresser and a card saying she was falling in love with him. Apparently the something “that was missing” was his 18-year commitment to me.
He ignored my phone call and text. The following day I went over and how very quaint, they were having dinner together. He told me it wasn’t a good time for him. I made it clear that I didn’t care and that it was a very good time for me and that I wasn’t leaving until I had some answers. I surprisingly stayed calm and collected. Asked if he knew that he didn’t want to be with me, then why didn’t he just tell me upfront rather than lie to me and then cheat on me. He told me, yes, it’s over. I asked why he lied/was deceitful/hid the truth about his feelings if he wanted to be with someone else. I asked why he didn’t tell me when I had given him every chance to come clean; he said that “at the time, nothing had happened”. When I pointed out that it had since happened and still he didn’t tell me, he had nothing left to say. I said that if he considered me his “best friend” but yet couldn’t tell me the truth, what kind of friend does that? He completely shut down. I told him he didn’t know what he had done, that what he was searching for had been right in front of him the whole time. And if he didn’t realize it, the path he was going down was the wrong one and he’d find himself alone. I wished him happiness in the future, kissed him on the cheek, turned and left him standing on his porch.
I received a text – not a phone call – from him the next morning saying he was sorry. I replied saying he had done it to himself and that he would come to realize I was the real-deal and he needed to find himself first. I haven’t heard from him since. It’s been hell. I hate it. I am keeping busy but my thoughts are about him all the time. Not “crazy” thoughts but “did I make the right decision” thoughts. As much as my head knows I made the right decision, my heart tells me otherwise. I’m sad and then angry and then sad again. If I could stay angry that might help but I truly lost my best-friend, too. And that just makes me sad because he’s the one who would have helped me but now he’s the one who caused it. It makes me question what he truly thought of me at all. Not much I guess. All the typical reactions are taking place; can’t sleep, extreme weight loss, can’t concentrate, crying one minute, angry the next. I’ve got the name of IC and will be calling tomorrow. My god, what a horrible rollercoaster I’m on.
I know I’m not the only one experiencing this and I’m sorry for rambling on. SI seems to provide good support and I need the support of others who are, unfortunately, in the same boat.


Me: 45, him: 54
together 18 years
DDay1 March 2013, Dday2 April 27, 2013, Dday3 June 1, 2013
We are in R and trying to make it
Never lose yourself trying to hang onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.

Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Northeast
traicionada
Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

So sorry you finding yourself in this situation but glad you found SI. For now and until you can get into IC, focus on the basics: sleeping, eating and trying to stay sane


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3289 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
ErinHa
Member
Member # 10138
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

I am so sorry about your heartbreak, especially the way you found out after 18 years of being together.

You seem to be doing all the right things, seeking IC and staying away from him. I know the heartbreak of losing your best friend is a double whammy...but he has not treated you like a friend and has added further humiliation by not coming clean. The whole thing about "not knowing" his feelings means he used you until he knew for sure he wanted to move on.

The woman coming up to you in public and sharing that horrible information might have been good in that you found out, but what a horrible person she is...

I am so glad you are seeking counseling, you deserve better and need to continue building your life...

But I know the heartache can feel overwhelming and you are right about the roller coaster. Just remember that you loved him and did the right things in your relationship.


ME--BS 46years old
HIM--WS 48 years old
3 Kids--DS11, DS13, DD15
Married 13 years, together 15 years
1st Dday 6/7/04
2nd Dday 3/13/06
From 2006 on too many to count (gave up)

Divorcing


Posts: 799 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Happy, peaceful
TheRealDeal
Member
Member # 39560
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Amazing how emotions are truly on a roller coaster.

Yesterday I was sad. Today I'm just pissed.

SO sends an email out of the blue, the first contact with me, and says "I hope all is well".

WTH He thinks all is well in my life after the recent events?? He's got to be kidding.

I did not respond to the email.


Me: 45, him: 54
together 18 years
DDay1 March 2013, Dday2 April 27, 2013, Dday3 June 1, 2013
We are in R and trying to make it
Never lose yourself trying to hang onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.

Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Northeast
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Shocked  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Real Deal

You are the real deal.

So proud of you as I read your post. You handled your self extremely well. WOW.

I too am sorry this has happened to you but please be assured that SI is a great place to find yourself. When in doubt, come here. Someone will always understand and care.

Unfortunately we have all been on the rollercoaster ride from hell. It sucks.

You are in shock and you are mourning the loss of your SO. He is not the same man. He is in a fog.

Please look in The Healing Library and read, read, read. Knowledge is power.

With or without him, you will recover and you will be okay.

Yes, it does take time, but you will emerge from this a healthier, stronger more aware person.

He is cakewalking. Wants his cake and eat it too.

Don't be an option. You deserve truth, honesty and love.

Good luck

[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:53 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 5