User Topic: External validation
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

Hubby just updated his Facebook cover pic. It's a pic of him on a beach in hawaii that i took walking out of the water with his speedo jammer on, muscles and pecs on full display. I am sick. I have not said anything to him because a DD is here with us.

What reason would someone have for doing this? He doesn't have any women except for relatives as friends, although I think ppl can search for him by name and see everything.

My cover pic is one of me, him and our son enjoying his 21st birthday. My profile pic is him walking our DD down the aisle....

He would be livid if I had a cover photo of me in a bikini..., I have no desire to do that.

Trying not to cry. This means he's still sick, right?

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Posts: 5063 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

What happens if you ask him?

FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live

Posts: 37257 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Member # 39433
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

Seems odd. Maybe ask him why he chose that photo.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, June 17th (Monday)

My WH isn't allowed on Facebook. He never had been on it before DD. Then, when chased him out of the house and he joined, he immediately stared friending old high school girlfriends. If his intent was to make me as psycho as him, it worked. I scared him off Facebook forever.

If your WH is going to be on Facebook, he needs to respect your feelings.

Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1531 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, June 17th (Monday)

After DD left I asked.
1) he hasn't been on facebook in 4 months and didn't really know what he was doing.
2) he wanted a picture that didn't show how big his legs were.

I cried. I said "you look like a bronze adonis. You chose that picture for a reason. Is that what you want everyone to know about you? If you are posting these kinds of pictures then you are still needing to be externally validated. That scares me. Do whatever you need to do but just ask yourself WHY you put that picture up."

he said he wasn't doing anything - meaning cheating I guess. He changed his picture.

He told me he tossed and turned all night. yep. I kept thinking, this guy is an expert at mind-fucking me.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Posts: 5063 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, June 17th (Monday)

Just to add it''s not about mind-fucking you, it has everything to do with his brokenness inside. Seeing that "vanity photo" as seeking, in a passive way, external validation is an astute observation on your part. It''s part if his set of needs still... But probably quite a bit less than it used to be. Yes, he''s still sick-in-the-head, but he took it down, which means somewhere inside of him he understands that it''s innapropriate for a married man to use that picture in a public way.

Baby steps. He took your word for it, he trusts your opinion once given. That''s pretty good. In some situations when we can''t see the forest for the trees we need to trust the people around us (hopefully our number one confidant is our spouse) who give us good advice.

Sometimes I wish I had a magic wand that I could smack my husband on the head with so he could just "get it".

Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.

Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, June 17th (Monday)


Sorry for your frustration; it is understandable.

When we would be on vacation my fWH used to want me to take pictures of him in various places. I realized he wanted to show them to people at work. It felt like rather than enjoying what we were doing together he was thinking about how he could impress other, relatively insignificant people.

He doesn't do that now. But it is still a process.

Good luck.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 7:16 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, June 17th (Monday)

knowing - I forgot to add - he thanked me for bringing it to his attention.
but this still scares me.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Posts: 5063 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Given his professional position, I'm really sort of shocked that he didn't just do a head shot, which also solves the problem of not showing his legs. But then I've thought all along that he as problems he needs to work on.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10167 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Rachel, we all know he isn't there yet. He won't/can't deal with his issues and his pain. Until he can, he will flounder and lash out. I agree with Sisoon 100%. He's got shit to work on and he won't do it. And yes, I think you are right, this is part of that problem.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6497 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 10