Healing is a process and time is the ugly four letter word. You will have good days and horrible days but I promise it does get better.
One way or another you will get to the point where R is a possibility or you may get to the point where the A is a deal breaker. And you will probably vacillate between the two for some time.
I went from "yes, we can do this" to "I can't do this" so many times for the first 14 months I was driving myself crazy.
You are correct. Your wife is the source of your pain. She is your biggest trigger. That is a fact. Learning to focus on other things besides the mind movies is hard.
Some have suggested visualizing a stop sign. Or thinking about winning the lottery - what you would do.
Give yourself a break and remind yourself that the A does not have to define you. You define you.
I am including the general timeline of recovery so you know you are completely normal for feeling what you are feeling.
Good timeline I found on another site...Hope this helps..
Q: How Long Will It Take Me To Heal From This?
A: There is no set time line. On the average it's 1-2 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm.
Below is a general guide, not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation. It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing.
D-day to 6 months is devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. You are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.
6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.
9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.
Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness
14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.
18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.
20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.
22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself.
The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks.
You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.
Good luck. Keep moving.