SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: Caught Wife Sexting - is more going on?
unsure84
New Member
Member # 39565
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, June 17th (Monday)

Hi everyone. I'm new to the forums here and I'm in the process of sorting out my emotions. Seems as though the past few days have been in direct contrast to how I thought our marriage was going.

I'll start from the top:

I'm 29, and I've been married for just shy of two years. My wife and I have been together for a total of five years. Our marriage has been really good, and I didn't suspect that we had any problems until a couple of months ago, when she just started acting....off. I couldn't put my finger on why or how, but she wasn't being herself and it's almost as if she was being distant, not engaged, and it felt like she'd mentally checked out. Perhaps I'd just started noticing it now (I've been working and going to grad school full-time and just graduated in March).

I bought my wife an iPhone a few months ago, and she loves it. So much that it's become an extension of her right hand. She's on it constantly, morning to night, to the point where it was worrying and annoying me a little bit. She's learned enough about the phone to password-protect it, and her password changes almost weekly (based on casually looking over her shoulder). Why she needed to password-protect her phone was beyond me, but I never really cared about that (after all, you should have nothing to hide in a marriage, right?) but her recent behavior prompted me to take a closer look into her digital life.

Fast forward to a couple of days ago... I saw her enter her four-digit password into her iPhone one morning to check her Kik Messenger and then she hopped into the shower. Not preparing myself, I unlocked her phone and started browsing around.

Needless to say, I found a few things that I didn't want to see: a few pictures of her in her lingerie/night wear, as well as three or four racy nude photos that certainly weren't sent to me. I also found what appeared to be sexting on her Kik Messenger, which is a new app she downloaded and could never seem to give me a good explanation as to why she needed it or had it.

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting, but I feel as though sexting IS cheating, and my wife is engaged in some kind of extramarital affair, be it an emotional or physical one. I am nothing short of devastated by learning this, as our relationship and marriage have always been great (or so I'd thought).

I've been mulling over my options the past couple of days and they all seem to boil down to me doing one of two things:

1) confronting her with what evidence I do have, asking her a few questions and, depending on the responses I get, going from there

2) spend some time spying on my wife and using a wide range of digital tools to understand the scope and depth of this affair. I really, really don't want to do this, but I'm also afraid that my wife will be dishonest with me and "go underground" if I don't come at her with enough evidence about this. Admittedly, I am also afraid of what I might find. I've told my wife that, if I ever found her engaging in a physical affair, the marriage would be over. I can't be with someone that I don't completely trust.

Ignoring this and pretending that it doesn't exist isn't an option for me. Hiding my feelings from my wife is already bothering me immensely. I am not a person that can keep how I feel bottled up for long. I definitely need some help sorting through this and determining my next steps.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013
CATransplant
Member
Member # 39567
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, June 17th (Monday)

I am so sorry you are going through such an earth shaking time. What you posted sounds much like what I found happening in my life. I didnt pretend it didn't exist. When I confronted my H he admitted he had been sexting, however it was really much worse than that. I am now trying very hard to find the courage to pick up the pieces and choose a direction to travel. My H wants to work things out, I on the other hand have lost all the trust and respect I had for him. Not sure what I want to do. I feel so numb. I can tell you that doing nothing is not something you do. You must weigh your thoughts and emotions to determine just what you are seeking. Either way you are hurting. A direct approach will at least let you know what you are fighting. Good Luck.


Me BS
H FWS
M 3/27/12 together since 06'
A EA/PA 4/19/13/5/26/13
DD 6/12/13
Forced NC 6/13/13
MOW coworker-caught,TT for six months.

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, June 17th (Monday)

Affairs are so hard. Obviously the danger in confronting now is that there is a very good chance she will lie about the extent of the affair. That being said, if you are smart and very vague in terms of your "proof" you may be able to get more mileage out of your information. If you confront with, I know you are having an affair, you can see how much info you get. It may be more than what you know.

In my case, I confronted after reading an email that proved nothing but an EA. Something to the extent of her writing "I don't have any issues with what is going on, but my situation is very different than yours." I didn't know about this site and confronted him. What I got in return was excruciating. He first told me they were just friends, but I knew that wasn't true so I kept pushing. He finally admitted that they kissed. I had nothing else to go on, so I believe him. We worked on our marriage and for four months he lied to me. Thanks to my friends here, I began to realize that things just weren't adding up; but I had no proof or any other place to search. Luckily for me, my WH decided to come clean (they were naked, she performed oral sex, he couldn't perform so no vaginal sex; and he kissed two other women dating back to when our first daughter was born). Who knows if this is the truth? I have no proof and no way to find out short of trying to track down the OW, which I do not want to do.

Anyway, I'm offering this as a cautionary tale of what you may well have to look forward to if you don't dig. It may not go down like that, but for many of us it has. That being said, my WH did come clean (I think) and we are successfully reconciling, so it doesn't preclude a relatively good outcome. That being said, those months of lying that we call TTing were soul crushing. You have to decide if that is a risk you want to take.

Good luck unsure, this is a horrible place to be in your life, but feel lucky you found this forum, it saved me.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, June 17th (Monday)

Welcome and I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

But the people here give great advice, specially the ones that have been here a while.

You said that Cheating is a deal breaker in your marriage. Then the first thing you need to do when you confront your wife, is to make that really clear. She needs to be completely honest, or its over and SHE needs to leave, if all contact with the Other Man (OM),is not stopped immediately.

Don't play the pick me, pick me game. You won't win her over with your love, with your niceness. She is in a fog right now, a fantasy fog. Don't let her have her cake at home too.

Right now you are still in shock, it will hit you soon, this devastating idea that your wife could be cheating on you, and that you didn't see it coming. We've all been there.

So, you'll need to take care of yourself, go for a run, a walk, whatever, and whenever you feel mostly frustrated and want to scream at her, trust me it will be better, than trying to get through to her. She won't listen to reason right now - right away.

Go read The Healing library. There's an article in there about doing a 180. It really works.

I wish I had found this place right at the beginning, I would have not wasted so much time doing all the wrong things. Like crying and begging, and reasoning with him and "making him see" what he was doing to our family. Nothing worked...

More people will come along and give you better advice. hang in there. It will get better with time.


Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 481 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, June 17th (Monday)

Hi unsure, welcome to our world.

I always recommend keeping mum while gathering evidence. In the beginning, none of us know how these situations will pan out,whether we will D or R, so gathering evidence that may be needed in the event of D is the smart thing to do.

I don't know what state you reside in, but in my (fault) state, one has only 90 days from the moment of discovery in which to file, other wise it is considered that one is condoning the adultery. Yes, unbelievable, I know.

So do not show your hand until you have conclusive proof. If you confront now, she will just go underground with the A. And yes, I believe she is engaged in a PA, not an EA.

Please see a lawyer to find out what your rights are in the event of D, and go from there.

I am so sorry.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, June 17th (Monday)

To answer the topic question, most likely yes.
Yes this is an A be it EA or PA, it still constitutes an A. She is sneaking, hiding, and most likely lying to you.

I would strongly recommend going into stealth mode. Put a VAR (voice activiated recorder) in her vehicle, get spyware on her electronics, phone, tablet, and computer if she has all three. I would also run through her financial records, see if there are unexplained expenses.
Once you have what you consider proof enough then confront. Be prepared to tell her what you need, and what the consequences are. If it's a deal breaker, then send her on her way. If it's not then figure out what you need for R. Clearly and calmly lay those requirements out.

Know that you don't have to make any immediate decisions, read in the library, and keep posting and reading.

Focus on you, eat, sleep and keeping hydrated sound simple but can be hard when you realize your world has been flipped.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8523 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
hatefulnow
Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, June 17th (Monday)

I have to agree with the others. Start monitoring what she's doing. Right now you only have suspicions. You don't know and you need to know before you act. Where there's smoke there's fire.

Also, contact an attorney to become familiar with your rights. Be open and honest with him/her. Share your concerns. I doubt anything you say will be a surprise to them. You are NOT trying to end your marriage...you're trying to save it. Hopefully things have not progressed to the point of no return. I wish you best of luck in this.


Posts: 127 | Registered: May 2012
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, June 17th (Monday)

Put a VAR in her car and a keylogger on her computer(as long as it's not work issued),and watch her phone. Take screen shots of any evidence and hide them where she won't find them.

This is defiantly cheating. A married woman does not send naked pics of herself to a man who isn't her husband. Chances are,it's physical...most OM won't stick around for "just" pics and sexting.

Cheaters lie and minimize. if you confront her now she will lie about the extent of her affair(s?). She most likely will tell you it was never physical. If you confront to soon, you may never know the full extent of what she has done..and that will make any hope of R very difficult.

Im sorry.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7428 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, June 17th (Monday)

unsure84,

You know that there is somethign inaapropriate going on, and that your WW is hiding it from you. You know your M is already in deep danger.

While you are watching and documenting the extent of your WW's betrayal, I also recomend you take advantage of the time to protect yourself for when things eventually become confrontational. These would be things like seeing a attorney to find out what your rights are and your responsibilities if this ends up heading for separation and divorce. I am not saying to plan for this, but educate yourself and know the facts. Is your money safe? If joint accounts can you begin to separate them? Many of us BS (betrayed spouses) find some IC (individual counseling) helpful as we work through the period after dday. Consider scheduling an appointment for help in sorting through your feelings and thoughts.

I'm also afraid that my wife will be dishonest with me and "go underground" if I don't come at her with enough evidence about this.

I get this, I too felt I needed to prove everything to show it was true. You know what the truth is. Your WW has turned to an OM for validation and sexual excitement. Two years into the M and she has already left you mentally. You have nothing more to prove.OTOH, if you are interested in pursuing R, and your WW wants to R, it should be on her to prove she has gone NC with OM. To prove the extent and limits of her betrayal. To prove that she understandfs why she did this and what she has done to ensure this will not happen again, to become a healthy M partner. To prove that she is remorseful, understands what she did, and wants to be with you because she loves you (and that she actually knows what love means).

I can tell you that in my sich, the sexting and photos occured AFTER the sex.

best wishes, keep posting,

Ats

ETA, and be sure that if you and your WW have sex there is NO opportunity for a pregnancy.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:16 AM, June 17th (Monday)]


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4130 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 17th (Monday)

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but you are in the right place.

2) spend some time spying on my wife and using a wide range of digital tools to understand the scope and depth of this affair. I really, really don't want to do this, but I'm also afraid that my wife will be dishonest with me and "go underground" if I don't come at her with enough evidence about this.

^^This, in my opinion, is the right way to go. It's what all of us here have done upon our initial discovery.

If you just ask her if she's having an affair she'll deny and take it underground, especially since she's changing her passwords weekly. That tells me she really wants to keep what she's doing a secret.

Get a voice activated recorder and a keylogger. I'm not sure what you can do on an Iphone if it's not jailbroken first.

You need to gather as much information as you possibly can and then when you do confront only reveal half of what you know and NEVER reveal your sources. With only letting her know half it is then her responsibility to give you the rest.

Don't worry about what decision to make after you have your information or when you confront. You'll need time to process what is going on. That said, there is also nothing wrong with talking to an attorney, again after you have your information, to know exactly where you stand.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I agree, sexting is cheating. I also feel there's more to this and the she could be involved in a physical affair.

Sending (((HUGS))) and strength

Post often, it helps.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
unsure84
New Member
Member # 39565
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Thanks, everyone, for the kind welcome and the great feedback. I regret having to use a forum like this in the first place, but it's good to know that I'm not alone and have some experienced "veterans" of this sort of thing to guide me in making the right decision. I'm in the middle of a planned vacation, so if nothing else, it's the perfect time to find out and make adjustments (if there is such a thing).

It appears as though my best strategy is to collect some data and sit tight, if possible. I looked through my wife's history on her computer - came across a couple of things that raised some eyebrows and gave me a couple of hearty laughs (apparently she's into a few things sexually that I never knew about! ), but I didn't find any substantial, conclusive proof to go on. The keylogger is likely the key to finding more out about her EA/PA. Does anyone have any good recommendations that won't be picked up by her anti-virus? Her computer isn't password-protected so I could put that on there in no time.

I'll hold off on the AVR until I need to. Those are kind of expensive, but if it's what I need to do I'll just buy one during my lunch at work or something.

She changed her password on her phone yet again... it's changed two times in four days, guessing by the keystroke pattern she used with her thumb to unlock the phone. My gut tells me that she might be onto me. If I'm somehow lucky enough to get a few minutes with her phone, does anyone have any good recommendations for an iPhone tracking app?

The thing that REALLY irks me here is that, in the nude photos, it shows the wedding band proudly on her hand. It really kills me that she's being so brazen and selfish, and I assume the OM(s) know (and don't care) that she's married. It saddens me to know that there are so many people out there with a lack of any type of moral compass. In less than two years' time, my beautiful and seemingly happy wife went from completely interested and engaged, to emotionally checked out. Almost makes me wonder if she was ever really there in the first place.

If I find more evidence that proves my suspicions, I'll seek out a divorce attorney and end this immediately (and try to do it amicably out of respect for her emotions and family). I hope I've made it clear that I have ZERO interest in being with a woman that lies and engages in extramarital affairs - I'm just hoping like crazy that I'm wrong.

Thanks for letting me vent, everyone. I'll come back if/when I find out more.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013
MediumRare
Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Hi unsure84,
I'd strongly recommend a VAR and you can find them at Radio Shack or Best Buy for under $50 if you are in the US. BestBuy has a good Sony model (ICDBX132) for $42 that has over 1000+ hours of recording time and has voice-activated recording. Put one of those under the seat of the car and collect on weekends.

iPhone GPS's are nice because they are hard to tell they are on. If you enable the GPS on her phone, you can then install just about any 3rd party app on your computer and track her without her knowledge.

As far as keyloggers and such are concerned, you have to first jailbreak her phone so this may not be a good option for you if you're not experienced with this. I do not know of any spy/keylogger for iPhone that works without first jailbreaking the phone. The GPS logging is the best bet for now.

Lastly, you might be able to obtain texts if she is texting from your phone company. You may want to see if there is a way on the account to store and recover texts from their web/billing website.

Sorry you find yourself here, friend. I'd suggest when you confront her that you might want to pick-up the book "Not Just Friends" as it is a wonderful resource to describe how this internet, texting, sexting thing begins.

Good luck to you!


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 716 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
unsure84
New Member
Member # 39565
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Hi MediumRare:

Thanks for the tips. I found the Sony model you specified at Staples for $29. I'll go grab that one and stick it under her car seat.

I'll try to enable the GPS on her phone, if I can get a hold of it. I won't jailbreak her phone so I don't have to run the risk of bricking it. She'd definitely know then.

She's not using texting for any of this, to my knowledge. She's using Kik messenger, which appears to be an IM chat app for smartphones. Sounds like anonymity is one of the app's best features.

Again, thanks so much for your help.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Just seeing the bill and pattern of calls to *that* number should give you a better picture as well.
Sorry for this man.

Posts: 6589 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Make sure you keep your web history clean so she doesn't know you've found SI and are on to her.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7428 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 17th (Monday)

hi...i am so sorry that this is happening. everyone who has posted is correct.

cheaters lie....and make it seem like it is not as bad...when most of the time...it is exactly what your gut is telling you.

i found a dirty text sent to a woman at 4am....my husband SWORE that he was "just sexting" someone he met off the internet. the he said that he had only met her once for coffee.

the truth was that he had actually been a full blown sexual relationship with this woman. the only thing he didnt lie about was meeting her on the internet.

i didnt want to believe it at first.....i actually believed him when he said he was just sexting her.

i am not saying your wife is sleeping with someone else...but i will say follow your gut....trust it over your heart. it is hard, but it will save you a lot of heartache in the longrun.

and no matter what, there are some serious issues....no married woman sends dirty pictures of herself to another man....not unless she is sleeping with that man....or on her way. it is an inappropriate relationship. i would gather as much evidence as possible...and make sure you get the guy's phone number from the text as well. you may need it to let his wife know about it if/when it all comes out.

hang in there...i know what you are going through.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, June 17th (Monday)


The key to be able to confront a cheating partner is to create a body of evidence that she cannot dispute.

The first step of confronting your partner is most crucial. Do not walk up to the person and start hurling insults although it may be very tempting.

Anticipate resistance and denial. Know fully well that your partner will try to make it look like you’re exaggerating. You could be called petty, snoopy, jealous, insecure, insane, etc. Be sure you have all the evidence that you need and can get before you make your first move.

After your first step, your partner will be careful and could retrace her steps to clean up. Bills will be redirected. Calls will be more discreet. E-mail passwords could be changed. So, understand that you can take your time before making your first move and gather all information that you need before this.

The first time you ever talk about it will be the most difficult part. So plan well, practice and rehearse even.

You will definitely surprise and shock your partner. Use this to your advantage.

People do not have their wits about them when they’re shocked. So ask and probe and get your answers. Remind yourself of your purpose each time you find yourself losing it.

Understand that this is not your fault. By cheating on you, your partner has jeopardized the marriage and your future together. This is not constructive and no matter what her justification and reason, it is not acceptable.

Do not try to find the answers and blame it on yourself. Infidelity is not the answer to any marital problem. By cheating on you, your partner’s integrity and core character has become questionable...not yours.

Good luck. We are rooting for you.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1149 | Registered: Apr 2013
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Get all the hard evidence you can, because once she deletes, it's gone forever and you will never have the truth. With all kindness - prepare to hear many lies and half truths. It is as agonizing to hear the lies as the betrayal itself. All the best to you.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
nuance
Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Yep, I'm with the others. I have been in your place and I did the wrong thing: confronted immediately. Gather more info to avoid gaslighting.

Also be prepared for minimizing, blameshifting.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
unsure84
New Member
Member # 39565
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Ok, quick update:

I installed a keylogger on her computer and configured the antivirus to not detect it. I'm a little nervous that it still will, but honestly, she isn't terribly computer-savvy so even if her anti-virus did go off, she wouldn't know what it means... I am the techie of the house, so I could just rush in and save the day like I often do with computers in our house.

I also picked up a small VAR which I will place in her car the next time I drive it.

The last thing is going to be the hardest part... accessing her phone. I KNOW I'm going to find a treasure trove of incriminating information on her phone, but she's now changing the password constantly. I am convinced that she knows I've accessed her phone before. I might have to play it cool for a while in this area and revisit it when her guard is down.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013
hurtininHouston
Member
Member # 39250
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

She is doing more than just sexting.....Sorry.......
I am 2 mos. out. caught my wife because her phone dinged with a new message and she was asleep. It was all there.
:(

Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Houston
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Naughty pics, lock phone, text app, unknown(to you) sexual preference.....RED FLAGS!!!
Is she posting on cheating websites?

Posts: 1544 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Sounds like you are doing all the right things to find out what she is up to.
Have you prepared yourself for what you will do when you have hard proof? Will you want to try R? Will you want to D? Figure this stuff put now. See a lawyer find out what your rights are. She may go all remorseful or she may walk out the door. Protect you.

Let us know how things are going and keep posting.

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8523 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
unsure84
New Member
Member # 39565
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Yes, Toby, they are ALL huge red flags.

I looked through her history and found a couple (probably 6 or 7) visits to XDating and Fling. Hard to say when they were, as she's never erased her history and I just did a quick query/search of her history in Firefox. The keylogger will tell me more about how she's covering her tracks, if at all.

I've made it pretty clear to my wife that if I ever caught her in an affair, we're done, period. She knows how seriously I take this sort of thing (I've been burned before and it's resulted in me having a hard time trusting in relationships), and she's appeared to have cheated anyway. If I get hard proof, my plan is to present her the proof, along with divorce papers, and pack my things.

I will keep you all informed on how things turn out. I sure hope I'm wrong....


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Shouldn't take long for you to get proof with a keylogger. Remember this.....never reveal your sources!!!

Posts: 1544 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
LivinginLimbo
Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

I am so sorry that you're dealing with this.

If you know the name she uses on the adult sites, try googling it. I found a lot that way.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1033 | Registered: Mar 2012
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, June 21st (Friday)

Unsure

It sounds like your wife is in n EA and possibly multiple PA's or swinging.

What did you find out your wife s into sexually that you were not aware of?

HM


Posts: 862 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Rattus2000
New Member
Member # 39599
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)

If you have and iPad or another iPhone set it up to receive texts from her phone. When you set it up you will need her phone, because Apple you send a confirmatory message to her phone that a copy of her texts are going to an additional address. Click it and it never comes up again.

Go to settings, messages and change the receive addresses by adding your phone number or e-mail.

You will likely get something you don't want to see, but if she is erasing her texts, they will stay on your device for proof.


Married 14 years
Dated 5 years
D-day May 2013
Trying to R, keep her sober and protect my kids.
2 kiddos 11 and 8

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Southwest
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, June 28th (Friday)

Unsure84....you out there?

Posts: 1544 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
unsure84
New Member
Member # 39565
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

Hi Toby, I'm still here. I've been quiet because I have nothing new to report. The keylogger has given me nothing to raise an eyebrow at, and I pulled our phone records from Verizon - again, nothing out of the ordinary. She's also not changed her password on her phone for a while; I've been checking it periodically and have seen a little bit of sexting still, but nothing giving me definitive proof that she's in a PA at this point.

That said, I've pinpointed where the EAs are coming from: MyFitnessPal. She seems to be sexting with at least two or three guys from that website.

This is really weird. I've expected more at this point, but I'm not getting much unfortunately. I'll keep digging.

I feel like a terrible person for basically engaging in marital espionage, and it's really been eating at me emotionally. I've been distant with my wife for the past couple of weeks, and I think she's sensing that something is wrong. I've also been finding that I've been getting irritated more easily at work, and I honestly LOVE my job, so this is telling me that my emotional health right now is deteriorating. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this....


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013
unsure84
New Member
Member # 39565
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

Oh, and to answer HM:

I found out that she might be into sub/dom stuff, and she definitely appears to like interracial (which is not a total shock to me).


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, July 4th (Thursday)


That said, I've pinpointed where the EAs are coming from: MyFitnessPal. She seems to be sexting with at least two or three guys from that website.
Your the second BH, that I've read, that has a WS using MyfitnessPal for their cheating.

So what now? Are you going to confront? Or are you gonna give her enough rope to hang herself?

This is what I would do. Confront, take her phone away forcing her to use the PC with the keylogger. Make sure she can't use any other devices(iPad, iPod, etc..). Don't tell her what you know, just that you have a gut feeling that she's up to no-good.

If she confesses, you might be able to save the M. That said.....I consider what's she's doing cheating and you have every right to end it if you want.

PS. When you take phone away, make sure she is home, that's when you leave for a while. That gives her time to cover her tracks which the keylogger will catch. If you have a landline phone, I would bug that also.


Posts: 1544 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
yogaga1
New Member
Member # 36922
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, July 5th (Friday)

First of all, I'm sorry that you're here. You are doing great so far- better than most who find ourselves in this situation.

I wanted to comment because I am a member on MyFitnessPal and hoped maybe I could give you some inside perspective on the site.

I am a member but I only use it to browse the forums on fitness/exercise and to track my calories. That said, I've seen several topics come up in the past few months about people cheating on their spouses (and bragging about it!!!!) with others from MyFitnessPal. It's like Facebook with extra ego strokes. It's gross. I don't even have a personal picture as my "icon", in fact I think my picture is of a stupid cat or something- and I am STILL messaged at least 3-4 times a week from men on MyFitnessPal asking me if I would like to chat.

I don't haunt them, but I know there is a forum dedicated strictly to "chit chat and fun and games" and it's all topics like "Post a picture of yourself and let the next poster decide if they would- Date, Marry or Bang" or "Show us what you look like in your bikini" and crap like that. I could see how easy it would be for someone with shitty boundaries to get sucked into all of those compliments- which leads to chatting- which leads to so on and so forth.

If you know her user name, you can look at her profile and view every posting she has ever made on the forums. This might help narrow down some things for you.

Again, sorry you find yourself here but keep doing what you are doing!


BS: Me
WH: Him
DDay: 12/24/2011
In R as of: 3/2013

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012
nuance
Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, July 7th (Sunday)

Any plans to confront her?


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, July 7th (Sunday)

Unsure

It is hard to confront with what little no you have right now.

I also understand how this affects your normally happy disposition.

Set a date a few weeks or months in your head to have a serious conversation with your wife about your future together.

Maybe she will be open and give you some overdue honesty in your marriage.

Do not let this fester too long and be prepared to make some hard decisions for such a short marriage.

HM64


Posts: 862 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
unsure84
New Member
Member # 39565
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, September 16th (Monday)

Hi Everyone:

I'm back after a little break... and I'm afraid that I have little to report that's new.

So far, I've done what folks have recommended and used a couple of digital tools to try to find more information. Unfortunately, the well is dry for the most part. That said, Here's what has happened that's new:

1) she's let her guard down on her phone again and the sexting activity has appeared to have picked way up. More men and more pictures, and they're getting racier/raunchier (if you catch my drift).

2) After cross-referencing some names of the OMs, they appear to all be connected to MyFitnessPal.

3) Nothing on the keylogger or after pouring through our phone/financial records.

So, based on what I have, it appears to be EAs, or an exceptionally well-hidden PA.

That being said, have any of you confronted when you believed that it was "just" an EA? How did you prepare? What steps should I take?


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, September 16th (Monday)

Sounds like your wife is just starting on the downward spiral; first sexting, nude pics, then progressing to actual physical contact with OM's. [Ashley Madison etc].

When you confront her give her a choice; no unknown passwords and you check her phone nightly. Either that or you confiscate the damn phone. If she doesn't agree, file for divorce to bring her to her senses. You have to win this battle or a PA is in your very near future.

Sadly the rush your wife gets from this behavior is enormously addictive. Its going to be very difficult to get her to stop. Your marriage is standing on decidedly shaky ground.

One last tip; if you use the VAR please hide it well. A friend of mine just placed it under the car seat and her WS found it. Things turned real ugly.


Posts: 1706 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
ThisHell
Member
Member # 37089
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Hey there,

I just wanted to add one more thing. You mentioned at one point that if you confronted and decided to end it, you would have divorce papers and pack your bags...my advice: do not leave your home! Pack HER bags and SHE can leave. You did nothing wrong here...though be prepared for the wrath when she sees you have been snooping, they don't like you invading privacy. but do not leave your home!


Me:BW, 34/Him:BH, 34/ 3 boys, 5,8,12
4ddays, now Divorced
We are not in Kansas anymore

Posts: 292 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: NC
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

If she is hiding this from you, and if she is "just in a EA" isn't this just as bad as a PA?
I mean come on, she is hiding and lying to you. The one person in the world she should be perfectly safe with. Take some screen shots, or pics of her sexts, and present them to her.
Present them, and be prepared for her to loose her cool. She will be indignent about your snooping, blame you, and make you feel like the bad guy. Remember - "Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing".

I would also strongly recommend seeing an attorney and finding out your rights, and how this will play out. Not filing per se, but knowing if you can leave your marital home without it being considered abandoment, and all that stuff.

If she hasn't gone PA yet, she certainly is on the slippery slope to it, and at the end of the day it probably doesn't matter, because she has already crossed over into the land of lies and betrayals.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8523 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

JUST an EA ???

Leave off the E and it's an A isn't it.

Your WW is talking to other men and showing tthem things only you should see.

If thats not an A, I don't know what is.

It's time confront your WW and end this, one way or another


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 468 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
unsure84
New Member
Member # 39565
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I know, I know... I should have left the "Just" off of it. Thank you guys for helping me to come to my senses on this. You are right.... ditch the P or the E and it's still an A. You can only polish a turd so much. At the end of the day, it's still a turd.

Just the thought of this all going on makes me feel so... destroyed. I'd give my life for her, and knowing that she can keep a straight face and lie to me the entire time makes me so indignant, so angry, and hurt.

I'm going to read up more on how I should confront, but the fact of the matter is this: This IS an affair, and I'm going to base my response on whether or not to R or D on her reaction.

Wish me luck, everyone. It's time to end this and confront.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

unsure - it is what it is, but before you confront, since you have waited this long, make sure you see an attorney to know what your rights are, and how to protect yourself.

Keep posting, we are all here to support each other, so our responses may seem a bit harsh, it's bcause we will call you out on bullshi! when we think it's bullshi!.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8523 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

(((unsure84)))

Wishing you strength. Confrontation rarely yields the results we are looking for. I like your plan of basing your path on her reaction, since you already have the truth in front of you.

We're here for you.


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
unsure84
New Member
Member # 39565
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, September 20th (Friday)

After roughly four months of keeping my feelings bottled up, I finally confronted my wife about the sexting and the lies. I was firm, direct, and I told her EXACTLY how I felt about it and how I went about finding it all out. I told her that the sexting, a) undermines our mutual and implicit trust in the marriage, b) shows that you have little respect for my feelings, and c) it IS an affair and you've cheated on me.

I also issued her the following choices (well, more like ultimatums if we wanted to stay married):

1) You will go NC with the OMs and show me that you've done so.
2) You no longer have a phone password (or any other password) that is hidden from me, and I can check these at any time. In turn, you receive mine.
3) You will delete your Kik Messenger and not replace it with anything else.
4) You will delete all sexters from your MyFitnessPal account and set better boundaries moving forward. I will also check this regularly.
5) We will make an honest effort to rebuild trust through honesty and open communication in all areas of our marriage, which may include couples therapy if we need it.
6) Violating any of these terms, lying to me, or engaging in any more As means that I am within my right to end the marriage and move on.

For lack of a better expression, I threw down the gauntlet and laid everything out. Faced with my feelings and the facts, she broke down, cried and admitted to me that she was still happy and that she loved me, but that something is missing sexually and she was using sexting to fill that void. My wife is not a person that can cry on command, so I'm convinced that her emotions are real. Based on that, We're going to begin the long road of R. She knows that she has a VERY long time before I can fully trust her again, and that she's going to have to earn it back, but she seemed genuinely remorseful and eager to make things right.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, September 20th (Friday)

Many of us saw tears when we confronted our WS's.

Be very careful in thinking those are tears of remorse.

They very well could be tears for herself..because she was caught..embarrassed..worried that she had to let the OM go..etc.

They may be tears of remorse. Time will tell.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7428 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, September 20th (Friday)

Well done unsure. You said the right things with the right attitude; I'm happy for you that she is remorseful.

Get her to be specific about what is missing sexually and try and remove that as an excuse. Some women get bored with marital sex rather quickly and need a high from cheating to maintain their continued interest. Naturally this is totally unacceptable.


Posts: 1706 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Good job!

but that something is missing sexually and she was using sexting to fill that void
hmm....is she admitting something here or making excuses?

You did good......I hope you didn't reveal all your sources.


Posts: 1544 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 47