User Topic: should i ask more questions?
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 17th (Monday)

My H and I are trying to work things out after his affair. D-day was just about 2 months ago. He is remorseful and in NC with Ow. He is still living out of the house as I and he need time to adjust. We are both in IC and will move to MC soon. We have been Going out on dates and spending time together , nothing intimate yet, just kissing and affection. He is making an effort to be attentive with calls and texts and we are in daily contact. I just don't know if its wrong for me not to want to know the sexual details of his affair. I mean does it really matter what he did? I know it was sexual so should I put myself through the pain of hearing details, I don't think it will do me any good just harm. He will answer any questions I have so its not that he won't I just don't think I want details is this wrong? any thoughts?

me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, June 17th (Monday)

Only you can answer if you want to know details or not. Some of us want to know everything (like me, I could tell you their grooming habits!) and some don't.

Just can't UNKNOW so if you ask, be sure you want to know.

For me, not knowing was worse than knowing. My imagination was far far worse than the reality.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, June 17th (Monday)

Agree with SamanthaBaker. If you don't want to know, that's the right answer for you. Healing is completely individual and unique.

Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 817 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, June 17th (Monday)

I think it's enough for me to know they hung out, partied, went out, had a "drinking" relationship.

I was warned here about the details. We've been in HB for 7 months now. Sex has slowed from multiple times a day, to daily, now at 3-4 times a week. I REFUSE to let OW in MY sex life. But, that's just me. If I had the real details, I don't think I would want to touch him. Ever. Good luck on your decision. I realized the details don't really matter to me much.

Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, June 17th (Monday)

Wanting to know details is entirely individual. I wanted to know everything because I found the whole reality of the A to be quite baffling.

I've found that no matter what I know or feel about the A it fades with time.

You could try writing it down and revisiting it in a day/week to see if it is still bothering you. Some things will stick others will go away on their own.

Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.

Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, June 17th (Monday)

The thing I'd add is this: if you're afraid of an answer, you need to ask the question. The reason I say this is that fear of an answer is a big obstacle to R.

You don't sound like you're afraid of answer, but I did want to mention it.

I don't think you can R unless you feel empowered to ask anything you want to ask, and unless your WS will answer any question you ask. If you really don't care about one or more aspects of the A, so be it.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10344 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, June 17th (Monday)

I'm kind of in the middle. I know a lot, but there are things I chose not to ask.

Part of my desire to ask a LOT of questions though, was that I wanted him to answer them. I didn't really care so much about the answer, but I wanted him to have to confess those things to me. I needed for him to have to face everything he did so he couldn't rugsweep it to himself. I found that to be healing in the long run, horribly painful in the short run. YMMV.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6547 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Thank you everyone for replies. I don't think I will ask details, its enough just to know they had sex, details will only bother me I believe. It is going to be a long road as I am sure you all know, but I feel its worth the journey.

me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 17th (Monday)

I decided I didn't want/need details of their sexual activity. However, I did ask one question about oral sex and really wish I hadn't. It has now become an issue for me which I didn't have previously (sorry if tmi).

Everyone is right in saying each to their own. Remember you will know what you want to know, don't be afraid to ask but always remember you can't unhear those answers.

Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Personally, I think it is a wise decision to just know it is as bad as it can be. Betrayal is betrayal..

In my own personal experience, I questioned until there were no more questions to ask. Months and months of questions (Affair was 2 1/2 yrs with my friend since toddlerhood)

It was SO much worse than my mind would have imagined. Wish I had only had my mind to imagine those details instead of the full account.

I'm three years past dday now, and its so much easier, but I dealt with two solid years of awful mind movies and dreams because of those details.

BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2011 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Savvy for you I agree it's likely best not to ask.

I asked for every detail and the reality was actually better than I imagined and helped me heal. I learned how sordid and unsatisfying it was, how he wasn't "excited" when it started and how sometimes he would just leave. That he would feel uncomfortable afterwards and leave because he didn't like being with her. How he never felt anything but a temporary stress release and shame.

I since have learned in C that people can reenact past CSA and feel a compulsion to behave in these confusing ways. Who knows how desperate the OW was to want this? She must have had her own serious issues.

My H still has to own his horrible choices and they still haunt me, but my mind movies were quite different from his reality.

And he passed a polygraph.

So it varies with all of us.

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, June 17th (Monday)

This might be obvious, but I'll say it anyway. No matter what level of details you want to know, and no matter what you choose to believe or not believe, I would insist that both of you get a full screening for STD's.

BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)

Posts: 3629 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, June 17th (Monday)

be careful with this....i wanted to know it all...and got it. and now sometimes i think i know too much. when we have sex...i often times have mind movies and think of them together...and it is so hard.

the other posters are right though...when you know..and it will be with you forever.

BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 975 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Topic Posts: 13