SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Made some decisions
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, June 17th (Monday)

Things have been up in the air because at this point I still have no job prospects. But I made some decisions and I'm just hurting, I told him, if I get a job for September then we will proceed with the divorce then. If I don't have a job, then I want him to move out after Christmas. For my mental health, he should be gone now. But I'm going to give that timeline for the kids.

His response....ok. He says he has come to acceptance. I believe it is because he is not remorseful and can't ever love someone just as much as he loves himself. I'm just really sad now. I just want to be loved. And maybe it's codependency, but I still don't know what is wrong with wanting someone to love you that way. Feeling very lonely and wishing I had a husband who loved me.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

Posts: 1719 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, June 17th (Monday)

(((((TCD))))) I'm sorry you're hurting today, honey. Wrapping you in love.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25073 | Registered: Aug 2011
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, June 17th (Monday)

There is nothing wrong with wanting your husband to love you,adore you,fight for you,etc,etc.

I find his refusal to fight for his marriage,that he claims is oh-so-important to him, to be typical unremorseful,selfish,behavior. he has shown you glimmers of remorse..but only enough to make you crave more...then he refuses. It's abusive as Hell.

FTG.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7321 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 17th (Monday)

I'm really feeling it in my body. My joints hurt like I have the flu. I wish I could just go to bed. My heart is hurting physically and emotionally. I'm having the thoughts again of why bother being me...being a good person. Why bother wishing an hoping for anything? This is where it has gotten me. Having a worthless feeling again because I don't think I'm ever going to be loved by someone.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

Posts: 1719 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
swizzlestick03
Member
Member # 30102
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Epsom salt and baking soda in the hottest bath you can stand for 40 min. It will relieve the joint ache.

Start envisioning your life as you want it to be. That will help start to relieve the heart ache.

((TCD))


Me: BW-32
Him: WS-31
D-Day #1: 16 August 2010
D-Day #2: 16 January 2011
One small kiddo.

Posts: 562 | Registered: Nov 2010
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, June 17th (Monday)

And maybe it's codependency, but I still don't know what is wrong with wanting someone to love you that way.

I guess it should be no wonder why abusive people and co-dependents find each other so often. It creates a very sad and vicious cycle of the co-dependent needing the abusive person to love them and make them feel good about themselves, and the abusive person needing control over the situation, and they hoover just enough to keep the co-dependent stuck and wanting more. Confused615 is right, all this back and forth manipulation is abusive as hell.

I don't think it's bad to want him to love you, but I think needing him to love you leads to him being able to control and dictate how you feel about yourself, and that's a problem. You need to be stronger than that. He is making you feel worthless and like no one else will love you, and that's how he WANTS you to feel. It keeps him in control.

Please, stop letting him make you feel bad about yourself. You are amazing. We can all see it.

You can't change how he acts or feels, and he shouldn't be able to change how you act or feel either. You get to be whoever you want. I don't choose to be a "good person" so that people will like me, I choose to do it because it's the right thing to do.. And I can keep living with myself knowing I'm making the best decisions for my kids and myself.

I think you said it already, for your mental health, he should be gone now. Please try to 180 and NC as much as humanely possible so that you can figure out yourself and your own issues. Try to forget about him and fixing him and the way he feels. Just work on yourself right now.

I said in another thread down in general something like, "Yep. I'm owning my own shit, now that I'm away from that NPD, blame shifting, gas lighting, manipulating POS and can actually figure out what my own shit is without him clouding everything with his manipulation." You aren't going to be able to figure out your own issues with him constantly manipulating you. You gotta give up on him and totally focus on you.

Big hugs.. ((((((((((TCD))))))))))


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2111 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, June 17th (Monday)

It's not wanting him to love me. It's feeling completely unloveable to anyone, ever again, in that way. Because all I've been is me...and I think me is pretty damn great....but it got me this. I can envision what I want...but hurting my kids is never what I wanted.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

Posts: 1719 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, June 17th (Monday)

TCD - Honey be easy on yourself. You will take time to feel like the wonderful person you are. Don't feel the need to hurry to be loved.
Focus on you, and loving you. It's really part of the grieving process. Once you learn to be happy being you, without some damn man, that is when you will find love, real love, the kind of stuff that lasts. When you force it you except less than perfect relationships.

This is not your fault. You did nothing to make this happen. YOU will learn from it, you will be stonger, and healthier on the other side, and sister believe me you will be loved again.

Do something nice for you today, and drink lots of water, it will help with the achyness. Don't think for one second that all of us didn't feel that way while we were in the thick of things because I am willing to bet every BS here wether R or D has felt the same.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8249 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, June 17th (Monday)

I know you all have which is why I feel safe here. Unlike him who still thinks our situation is so special and no one would understand and would only give the wrong advice. I've said it to him (especially about posting) many times that he needs to stop thinking he is special and listen to what people tell him. It's just his justification for treating me horribly and not looking at himself.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

Posts: 1719 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, June 17th (Monday)

^^^ Everything tushnurse said.

Please do something nice for yourself. You should be standing tall and proud of yourself, and he should be groveling at your feet and begging and pleading for even a slight chance at reconciliation. The way he is treating you and blaming you for HIS mistakes and the consequences of HIS actions is completely unacceptable.


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2111 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
FieldsOfLavender
Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Feeling very lonely and wishing I had a husband who loved me.

This is the way I feel, too. My STBX is also unremorseful, self-centered. I also want to be loved, appreciated, adored.


Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
Topic Posts: 11