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User Topic: He almost kicked me out yesterday... WS perspective welcome
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 17th (Monday)

redacted

misunderstandings follow;

we are in a TYPICAL, 'TRADITIONAL' open marriage!

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:20 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
nofool4u
Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, June 17th (Monday)

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. You are acting the way most people who have been cheated on would act.

Based on what you are describing, him still messing around and being completely unremorseful, on top of that not thinking he has to respect you and give you any kind of reassurances, you should be asking HIM to leave.

He cannot kick you out. If he did, a lawyer could have his ass for you there. Why do you want to stay with him? He isn't wanting to work on things and thinks he has you wrapped around his finger.

I'd give him the pink slip if I were you, bet his ass would straighten up then...but only because he probably wouldn't want the expense of divorce.

There are better men out there for you.


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Shutup  Posted: 4:38 PM, June 17th (Monday)

I am sorry you are hurting.

I am asking for clarity...if you have a one sided open marriage (I am assuming your husband is allowed to see other women?) - how do you define cheating?

He never had any type of emotional connection to anyone

Not even you? What is the connection to stay with someone that treats you like an option and degrades you because of your weight?

IMO, he sounds very selfish and self serving.

You are not being unreasonable, he is. And eww on his comments on his potential step sister. Hope she is of age.

I recommend some serious IC for you both to figure out what a healthy relationship is and could possibly be.

Hope things get better for you.


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 823 | Registered: Apr 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, June 17th (Monday)

What are you getting from this relationship?

Why would you want to stay in this kind of relationship?

You aren't being unreasonable to want those things from your WH. However, I feel he has made it clear to you that he isn't interested in giving you what you need. I am so sorry, mysticpenguin, I feel he is an abusive jerk to you. Don't you realize that you are worthy of so much more and you don't have to settle for the crumbs that he once in awhile throws you?

(((mysticpenguin)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8922 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, June 17th (Monday)

I'm confused as to why you would be willing to accept so little from him to begin with. I know there are some people out there in open relationships that work but you do not seem like one of them. You seem like you have been settling for scraps and are upset because he's not even giving you those. What is keeping you there? Why agree to a one sided open relationship to begin with? I don't mean for to sound confrontational. I'm just really curious, as well as concerned that it sounds like you are wasting time with someone who can't possibly make you happy. It sounds to me like you would be better off alone. What is it that makes you want to stay?


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, June 17th (Monday)

**** redacted ****

IMPORTANT

this is a MUTUALLY open relationship

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:20 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Mystic

Truly not trying to judge here but this does not make sense to me at all.

He can have sexual relations with another female...nothing more. Not even friendship.

So ONS? Or what? How will he meet these other women its okay for him to have sex with? And I can guarantee you some of these OW will want more than just sex. This arrangement seems to be allowing yourself to be set up to get hurt even more. Logically, I can't follow your thought process.


What I need from him isn't validation of myself -- it's validation of my safety in this relationship.

I know you want him to love you but YOU need to validate you. Another person cannot validate you. You need to know your worth and demand to be treated with dignity and respect.

You can't nice him into loving you. You can't guilt him into loving you. You can't make him love you in a way that validates you. You control what validates you not him.

So I guess I change my first response and say yes, you are being unreasonable.

Again, I come back with I recommend some serious IC for you both to figure out what a healthy relationship is and could possibly be.

Good luck.


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 823 | Registered: Apr 2013
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Why is it okay that he has sex outside the M? Does he have to use a condom? Periodic STD tests?

What if a condom fails and results in disease or pregnancy?

I think you deserve more than he is giving, anyone deserves more.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3551 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, June 17th (Monday)

How do you expect to get closeness from a relationship with an emotionally incapable partner? Where there is no sex, time together and where one partner is free to bang whomever they please? It just doesn't work that way, honey. Closeness is derived from intimacy, which is built on openness and trust, and respect. Your spouse shows you none of those things and in fact, says he cannot nor will he attempt to do so. Why would such a lopsided relationship be acceptable to you?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 5851 | Registered: Jan 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Yes, I think you have entirely unreasonable expectations. The whole relationship is unreasonable. Everything you're describing smacks of desperation on your part. Are you truly so desperate for a man that you're willing to be degraded like this for the rest of your life? You really think this level of treatment is all you're worth?

I think all you're doing is prolonging the inevitable. Your marriage is over. It's over. Yet you're so desperate to keep it that you're willing to let your husband screw other women, just as long as he's nice to you? Are you his buddy or his wife? Come on!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8715 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ReunitePangea
Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, June 17th (Monday)

mysticpenguin - I am sorry that you have been betrayed.

I am in an open marriage so I may best understand some of the things that you are trying to express. However I am not sure if they way you are going about yours is going to lead to a good outcome for you. Establishment of rules and boundaries often is even more important in an open marriage than a non-open one. If your WH is not willing to follow these rules it just is not going to work. Furthermore if you are not going to enforce the rules why bother even setting them up.

Secondarily the open marriage you are describing seems to be one where he gets what he wants and by him getting what he wants you are going to get even less of what you want. I think you are asking the wrong question - you are not asking too much, you are asking too little.

I think you are going to have to step back and do some deep soul searching and ask yourself what is it exactly that you need from this M. Once you figure that out you will need to see if your WH is someone that can provide this too you. Don't short change yourself on your needs, you are worth more than you are giving yourself credit for. If an open marriage works for you that is fine, but it won't work if you are not getting the things you need.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 394 | Registered: Nov 2012
still2suspicious
Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, June 17th (Monday)

I'm not sure I understand this correctly:

1. HE can have sex with whomever, whenever BUT do YOU need to know first? And how does he meet them? Trolling? CL?

2. If #1 is correct, then why are you upset about Olga? Did he not state he wants to fuck her? Isn't that all he can do? And that's all he stated he wants to do?

3. How can YOU ever feel safe in a relationship like this? If he just gives you the peck on the cheek, hand brushing THEN you will feel SAFE??

4. It sounds like you two do not have sex? Is that correct? If you do then aren't you afraid of contracting a STD? HIV?

5. What if a pregency results in the "just sex"?

Sweetie, my heart is breaking to read this, so I cannot image the hell you are going thru.

He is NOT SAFE! He WILL NOT give you want you need/want/deserve. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT!!

You deserve someone who will give you what you need/want/deserve.

You do NOT need to take crumbs from anybody!

PLEASE go to IC. Work on yourself, never mind him.

He will never see that he needs to change. And why would he want to at this stage of the game? He can screw other women, you have no means of transportation, he's got you believing that just b/c you have a little extra weight that this is as good as you can get????

Take care of yourself. Learn to stand up for yourself.

I repeat: YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS!

Sending strength.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1162 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Hi Mysticpenguin,

Can I clarify if this is what happened:

You two were married in what you both had planned to be a committed, monogamous relationship (though you had fears about your H cheating on you eventually). Your H cheated on you, and you found out. In the aftermath, the relationship became open on his side in that he can have NSA sex with other women, as long as it's just sex (which is sickening easy to do if you're in the "right" clubs ). But he wants to have sex with Olga, who is currently "family", and so she would be around all the time, in your face, and it would be impossible to be "casual" about it. Additionally, he's not open and transparent so it violates the one-sided open relationship anyway.

Is that what happened?

If you don't mind, can I ask some questions?

What was it that made you fear that your H would cheat eventually? Was it a characteristic of his? Something he said? Experiences you had yourself earlier in life (i.e. family, past partners, among friends, etc)? What made you worry about this?

When the open relationship came up, was this something you agreed to because you feared he would do it again anyway? Was this something he asked or something you suggested? How do you feel about it - does it make you unhappy or feel sick to think of him having sex with other women?

Did he agree to transparency? Is he still acting defensive or outright offensive when you ask questions?

How would he feel about NOT having an open relationship? How would he feel about being monogamous and committed to you and you alone? How would you feel about that?

How do you think the open relationship will impact your M in the long term? How about your health? And what about his character? Do you see him having sex with other girls for the rest of his life?

One more question. How does he justify sleeping with other girls when he won't sleep with his own wife? Do you want intimacy with him? How does he justify denying you that? Didn't he take the same vows as you, and didn't those vows include a husband and wife giving of themselves to each other, cherishing each other? How dare he go out and meet some other girl's needs and not yours?

If he's feeling there are problems within himself he needs to solve, it's not OK for him to go out and fuck other girls and not his wife. He's not going to find any answers in another woman's private parts. And it's also not your issue. He needs to do the work on himself. So never mind if sleeping around benefits him - it doesn't. It's not a sign of good health that he's doing this, in the wake of cheating, in a way that's inauthentic (not being transparent), and not giving the energy primarily to you and your M with him.

Most importantly (and the only thing you can change), is it bad for your health that he is out sleeping with other girls? I'm guessing yes, it is. So now, how will you take care of you? What boundaries do you need to protect yourself? How will you defend your boundaries? Take your time. It really, truly doesn't sound like this way is working. And no matter how much you want to be with him, it will do nothing but keep hurting you to do it this way.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 6:07 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3761 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, June 17th (Monday)

As long as a partnership is open, honest, consensual and provides for the needs of all people present in the partnership, I really don''t care what that partnership is. I have authentically partnered people in hertro, homo, tiads, and open relationship/marriages who are friends of mine.

Your marriage frankly doesn''t fit any of the criteria. My personal opinion, true opinion and not sarcasm, is that a dog would fit your emotional needs better. Silverhopes and ReunitePangea have given you some very thoughtful ideas. I hope that they can help you.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4053 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, June 17th (Monday)

I'll take the one-sided openness out of it and just comment on other red flags:
--You had to sell your car to contribute to his truck - leaving you without car? Why? Because he really, really wanted that truck, huh? Now you have less option to do what you need when you need it. Pretty reliant on him, huh?
--He ragged on your looks and size in an insensitive way. Certainly this is to make you feel unworthy of him and anyone else - slowly degrading your sense of self-worth and probably leaving you questioning "what's the point of leaving?"
--When you had found the courage to get someone to come pick you up after the fight, he squashed that momentary assertion of independence. Probably scared him.

This is really scary and unhealthy. I'm serious. Take care of yourself and be careful.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 663 | Registered: Oct 2012
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, June 17th (Monday)

I've always known he'd cheat (I never thought it'd be so soon or that he'd lie to hide it, though...

I was basically seeking reassurance that I am safe with him, secure with him, he is as invested as I am, that kind of thing.

I should mention: we are trying a one-sided open relationship --

I don't have a car (we traded it, along with his car, for his truck, which I can't drive)

This is an honest to God question and I do not mean it rudely... Do you two have one of those master/slave relationships?

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 10:15 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1102 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Exclaimation  Posted: 10:22 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Whoa!!!!! No, we do not hhave a master slave relationship

We got married young.

I think for his personality type, frankly there is no way he would have one sex partner for the rest of hid life. I knew that entering this marriage.

We agreed to have a MUTUALLY OPEN marriage -- after he'd already done it, but that's beside the point for now

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:21 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Exclaimation  Posted: 10:28 PM, June 17th (Monday)

What I need from my relationship with him is just simply love.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:22 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Whoa!!!!! No, we do not hhave a master slave relationship

I apologize if I offended you... It was just confusing to me that you would so willingly allow such control and domination in your relationship, all for the exchange of feeling love and validated.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1102 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Want2help
Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

We got married at 20.

I was 18. I'm now in my 30s. I don't "need" to have relationships outside of my marriage.

Marrying young is not an excuse to need relationships outside of your marriage.

Why do you want to be married to someone who 1) needs sex with people other than their spouse and 2) is not willing to give you what you need?


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1939 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

What I need from my relationship with him is just simply love. I don't personally believe sex=love and it is the least important type of intimacy to me.I realize that may not be the case for everyone.

There are exceptions to every rule of course, but I have learned from various sources that men deepen emotional attachment through sex, just as women tend to seek an emotional attachment before being vulnerable to sex.

As I said, there are exceptions. ONS, past abuses and so on. But to expect a WH that has already broken your loose boundaries to respect them and meet your emotional needs is unrealistic in many ways. He's not going to show you any more respect and love than you show yourself.

Please explore in IC why you are willing to make concessions for him at your own expense.

Whatever his issues are...if he loved you like he should, he'd not only work on them but he'd damn well show you love and respect by staying within the M, at the very least through your healing process. He's showing he loves only himself and he knows you'll take whatever he throws at you.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 6:46 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10859 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Sex with a person releases hormones that binds you to that person. I think it is unlikely that he be able to have sex with other women and not eventually bond emotionally with at least one of them. Our bodies/minds aren't set up to work that way.

So I don't think what you want is sustainable.

[This message edited by I think I can at 9:48 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8714 | Registered: Jan 2008
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Our MC told my FWH that he should not have sex with someone if he didn't want to fall in love with the person.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 19 years
DS-18, DD-14
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1222 | Registered: Aug 2010
ReunitePangea
Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

We agreed that he could have casual sex in August -- after he'd already done it, but that's beside the point for now

Hmmm.....I think that is actually the point. If you are fine with him having casual sex that is fine and all but he didn't respect you enough to get permission first. Open marriages need far more clear boundaries and rules than non-open ones.

Do you have permission to have casual sex as well or just him? You say sex is not as important to you but you are young and your opinion may change over time. Sex is not as important to me as it is to my WW but I don't think I would have an open marriage if the same rules didn't apply. It may be less about you wanting to are more about if he would allow if you allow it for him that you may find important in the end.

There was a post on power dynamics in a M and A's a week ago. I think that is such an underplayed theme in discussing these A's on SI. In your relationship it seems your WH had all the power in the relationship and you have very little. He gets to pretend to be or not to be married whenever he wants and you are left with whatever scraps he is willing to share. I am afraid you will find yourself always wishing you had more than he will be willing to give you.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 394 | Registered: Nov 2012
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Soooo, he cheated on you, then talked you into letting him have sex outside the marriage as an "agreement" which made you seem like a participating party in his infidelity. Has he always been so manipulative? Have you always been so codependent? Do you not see where allowing him to have sex outside the marriage is always going to haunt you as much as seeing that text about him wanting to have sex with his possible step-sister?


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
nolight
Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Hey Hun I'm sorry you are going though this. I know people who have open relationships, if it works for them, and works for you then no one should judge you. I am a little concerned though that the agreement may be a little blurred in your marriage. Sorry if I'm completely wrong, it's hard to get a full idea of someone's emotions through a couple of posts.

It seems to me that the core issue in all of this is your low self esteem which has led to you agreeing to a type of relationship that is only damaging you further. You need to ask ourself are you really ok with him sleeping with other people or are you doing it to keep him.

It seems that he is using your confidence issues against you, he is trying to make you feel that your very normal reaction to his behaviour is abnormal, paranoid and unreasonable, believe me Hun it is not. He is blaming your physical appearance for his desire to go outside of your marriage which again is rubbish, he is making these choices simply because he can and he wants to.

I know what it's like to accept behaviour and bargain like crazy to keep some one and how confusing it gets when they blame you and make you feel somehow at fault. I was with my ex from when we were teenagers, he was all I knew and I accepted allot, to the detriment of myself to keep him.

He left anyway once he found someone else he wanted to be with.

it took a long time to rebuild my self esteem. But I am much better off without him, I suspect that you probably will too.


Posts: 418 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

He traded both cars because he bought both. The Camry I bought kicked the bucket and he bought me a car to replace it so it was his to sell

I really hate to keep harping on the car issue, but I actually think its a big deal. So, you're saying that he owned both the cars he traded in? Right? But you don't have a car as a result? I think it is an excessively selfish partner who leaves their partner without transportation. Who cares who bought it? I mean, even those with separate finances tend to watch out for each other - when it is successful, neither person has "less" - they balance it out even if it means the person who makes more money has to contribute more.

ETA: after that rant, I am wondering if I have your car situation wrong. I am having a hard time making sense of the situation.
I am just really disturbed by all the one-sidedness going on. Love, if that's what you're looking for, is a two-way street. Maybe you can let us know what he's doing to fill your love bank? Other than just being present and taking up space?

[This message edited by RockyMtn at 8:30 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 663 | Registered: Oct 2012
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

redacted

we are in a MUTUALLY open marriage

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:23 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

so...you have agreed that he can go out to bars,pick up women,lie to them about his name and who he is to get into their pants,fuck them,and dump them.

Im assuming he doesn't tell these women he is married...because he certainly doesn't seem to feel married to you at all...so you are ok with him using women for sex? You're ok with him lying to these women? You're ok with the enormous amount of disrespect he shows you and these women he lies to?


Open marriages can work..but not like this. A successful open marriage is based on trust and honesty..and there is neither in this marriage. If he had wanted an open marriage,he should have made that clear before the weeding day...not after he cheated.

He is not your best friend. Best friends don't lie and hurt their BF.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:14 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6603 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

If I could 100% GUARANTEE that he will only ever have sex with these other women and never develop feelings for them or make comparisons or slide down the slippery slope to an outright affair, yes, I'd be fine with it

I can almost 100% guarantee that. I honestly don't think this man is capable for true "feelings" for someone else. Anyone. Including you.

You need to get a car and work on becoming independent. Hopefully though that process you can also work your way away from him.

Finding a good IC is not easy but could be really helpful too.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 10:19 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

redacted

we are in a MUTUALLY open marriage

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:24 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Are you ok with him using these women?

Another thing to consider...you already know he won't respect your boundaries...but what about these women he is using? What if one of them decided she isn't ok with being used? What if she becomes attached? What if she had an STD? You said you won't have sex with him after he has had sex with another woman until he gets an STD test done..ok..but what about HPV? IIRC,there is no test for HPV for men.

I think you are risking alot for this man..too much,really.

I think he sounds emotionally abusive.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6603 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

I had built him up in my head to be someone who could never hurt me (I've been horribly betrayed by my own family), and he could hurt me grievously

Well, just my armchair diagnosis after reading dozens of books on relationships and self help and self improvement, IC/MC for years, retreats, etc. But IMO, your feelings of betrayal by your family is EXACTLY why you are going along with this open relationship that you didn't agree to in the first place. Maybe by agreeing to have an open relationship AFTER finding out he cheated, you are feeling like you have a bit of control in the devastating situation you are in, therefor you can "protect" yourself from the betrayal that you've felt since you were young. Since you've been so hurt by your family, you are willing to do whatever you can, no matter the cost, to control any future hurt.... even though you absolutely can't control whether your WH hurts you again or not. It's the perceived control over this potential pain that makes you feel comfortable and safe in this new "arrangement" where you allow your WH to cheat on you til his hearts content, regardless of the cost it comes with for you.

Just what exactly do you plan to do when he gives you HIV after having sex with so many random women in bars that he brings it home? Will it be a good arrangement then?


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Hey...I just wanted to give you a hug.

((((((((((mp)))))))))


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6603 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Mystic, you have a somewhat unique, but not totally unheard of situation. Unfortunately it seems to me that the one side open relationship was done so that you could keep the relationship that you had. This motivation is wrong.

Many people in open marriages will tell you that it is more about the love and trust for each other that builds up to an open relationship. They find great gratification knowing their spouse/partner is getting such great pleasure, and attention from others. It's not about just being able to F' another person.

I too see many red flags here in this relationship, and things that you need to really understand your motivation for allowing them.
The whole it's his money, so he can do with it what he wants is BS. You are married it is a partnership, and you both bring things to the table for you to share and make it work. That being said you should have a car. PERIOD. You are isolated, and trapped in your current situation. You lack the ability to even attempt to better your situation for yourself by not having a way to get to and from a job, where you can make money so that you can be more independent.

You also lack the ability to go see friends and family without his allowing you to. Again keeping you isolated, and allowing him to have complete control over you. This is not a healthy relationship. This is not love and respect.

If you truly are ok with having an open relationship then you need to lay clear cut boundaries, and rules, yes rules to allow it. Your current set up is only allowing him to do what he wants without any consequences. It also validates his choices prior to making it an acceptable situation. So what happens when he does develop a relationship with one of these women, it will happen, does he have consequences then? is he open and honest with you now? Or is he hiding his phone, deleting messages, getting po'd if you do ask, snoop, or check up?

Open relationships have more trust in them than nonopen ones. They have to to make it work, and there is a HUGE group of people out there that participate in this lifestyle. The ones I know have NO secrets, and will even talk about it, and ask advice from one another when seeking out a new 'playmate'.

Educate yourself to what others in these relationships do. Go to a few Lifestyle/Swinger websites, read, ask questions. Learn.

I think both of you are young, and have a lot to figure out about yourselves before you will be able to have a healthy relationship. He definitely needs to get into IC, and realize and deal with his issues that make him want to seek validation from others.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6516 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

This is going to probably feel like a 2 x 4, but I think your WS has a point when he says one of the issues (maybe not the WHOLE issue) is your low self-esteem.

He seems to think this whole issue stems from my lack of self-esteem.

I have struggled with self-esteem issues in different ways throughout my life, but something I read a long time ago has affected me profoundly throughout my life:

You must love yourself before you can get the love you want and need from others. I really believe this. It is my opinion the man you are married to is never going to respect you or love you the way you want because what you have alredy tolerated from him illustrates your lack of self-esteem and lack of self-respect.

I doubt anything could fix your relationship, but after you dump him, if you engage in counseling that will help you learn to respect yourself and demand that others treat you with respect, I think you are more likely to get the love and respect you deserve.


Posts: 5569 | Registered: Apr 2006
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

IMO, WSes cheat because they have low self-esteem, and your H sounds pretty effed up to me.

What will happen when attractive women look at your H and choke or laugh at him? Internally, my bet is that he'll crash. I have no idea how that will show up in his behavior, but I'm worried.

He'll go after good-looking women in bars in preference to you? This sounds seriously dysfunctional.

He'll lie to the women he wants to pick up and can fuck them only once? This is seriously dangerous (STDs, boyfriends, etc.) and seems pretty unhealthy emotionally IMO.

I always thought open M meant honesty, but my bet is that your H is lying to himself as well as to his victims - he's just philandering, not being part of an open M, IMO.

I admit I don't understand the whole deal - but what I DO get makes me want to stay far, far away from this guy, and that's not even considering how he's treating you.
******************

WRT your finances, independence, etc., have you considered charging him for the services you provide? I think the latest estimate is that the average woman spends 27 hours/week doing household management. Why not present him with a bill, beginning with the start of your living together? That could make you a lot more equal in assets.
**************************

How is this relationship good for you - what are you getting out of it?

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:23 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8869 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Financially speaking, it would take me like forty YEARS of working and saving every last dime to save an amount equal to his current assets, so he does definitely dominate this relationship from a financial standpoint.

I find this hard to imagine. Not that I doubt someone in their 20s could be financially stable and well off, but in your profile you said that just last year he was a student. Plus he needed to trade in 2 cars to get one 35k truck? All this, and it would take you nearly a lifetime to match his assets? Hard for me to imagine... but I think this ties in with you understating yourself and overstating him. I think you really need therapy. Your self esteem is in the can, and your current lifestyle is not adding to it. Plus, it seems like you have him on a pedestal. I hope you are able to re-evaluate your situation with a clear mind.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 5:38 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1102 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Topic Posts: 38