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User Topic: Signs you ignored
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Hindsight really is 20/20.

We all point out to others when we see them sticking their head in the sand when there are obvious signs. How many of us did this? Looking back, what signs did you notice, but just brush off to the side?

With my ex-fiancé, I will NEVER forget the great underwear fight of 2005. He asked me if I would please dig through a pile of clean laundry and get a shirt for him. In my digging, I found a thong that wasn't mine. I pointed it out, and he insisted that I was wrong, it was my thong, he had seen me wear it. I was so mad- girls know what underwear we own. I insisted that it wasn't mine. Then, his story changed, and he looked at it and said that he bought it for me. I said that didn't make any sense because the tags were taken off, they were in the laundry, and weren't even my size. He insisted that people need to wash underwear when they buy it, because someone might have worn it in the store (???). It was the stupidest thing I had ever heard of- but somehow I ended up apologizing. Afterwards, my "gift" underwear disappeared.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Emptyshelldad
Member
Member # 32292
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

yeah, um lets see.
1) sent wife to San Diego by herself for a week all expenses paid, spending money, rental car, airfare etc. did this so she could have time to herself with no kids, cause that's what great husbands do right? she comes home with the book "his needs her needs, how to affair proof your marriage" and I think, "wow, I've got the greatest wife in the world....even in her vacation she's thinking of ways to improve our love." turns out she had just meet with other man and after having sex, and all that, she confessed to him that she was falling in love with him....to which he replied " look we both have families, we need to remember that, this can be our special thing, but it can no further than love....etc etc etc". translation - I just wanted some kitty on the side, thanks for that, and all that stuff I said was just too get that, but I want to keep doing you, so here's another lie you'll believe and keep selling out your husbands soul and manhood for "we are two lovers kept apart by life's shackles"

so she felt used, and once he told her that the new car she had been test driving and falling for due to it's obvious benefits over her old Chevy, was not available for purchase, she picked up a fix it manual to try to make the old Chevy never guess that she'd been test driving another rig.
But I'm no one's second choice.

so in hindsight I feel really stupid for not seeing that book for what it was, a testament to my everlasting stupidity.

[This message edited by Emptyshelldad at 2:01 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH - 28, Her: WW - 31, 10 years, 5 months, 6 days.
2 beautiful daughters. 1 devious, deceitful, serpant-like liar of a wife.
"oh god this has brought a path of destruction and scorching pain leaving in its wake a charred wasteland of a onc

Posts: 149 | Registered: May 2011 | From: emptyshelldad
seekingtomorrow
Member
Member # 39068
Default  Posted: 4:27 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

the missing money, the constant lateness home, especially the time I called the venue of his job that night to ask after him as I was getting worried only to be old hed left ages ago, and when he did come home he said the venue had been running late,, when I told him I had called the venue he said a girl at he venue had been hurt and he'd given her a lift to the hospital,, but that didn't make sense and I think I know after that that something was happening,, but I never dreamed it would be as big as it was. there was also the bed feeling I got around some of his female friends,,, like he fancied them more than was acceptable.


D-day 1 august 1st 2012
D-day 2 October 31st 2012

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2013
tryinginmi
Member
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 4:31 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I had to use my husband computer one day I noticed that he had looked at a personals add on Craigslist. I totally believed him when he told me a friend told him to look at a specific add as it was so funny. This was 3 months before the A started. Just a clue he was starting to "look."

Other than that it was extreme anger and the silent treatment. The only other sign was that he came home late from work one day, and when I called his cell phone to check on him he was beyond nasty. I truly had no clue that the anger was a sign of an A.


Me - BW 40
Him - FWH 39
Her - MOW 47 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA


Posts: 1005 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
Flatlined123
Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Every flag was waving, bell ringing and red light flashing and I didn't see it.

-The unexplained periods of time he was gone after work.
-The way he guarded his cell phone and left it in the truck to charge.
-The anger, the nastiness towards me and the general attitude tht I couldn't do anything right.
-The distance between us.

Other things like him mentioning he showed OW (an old HS girlfriend) a pic of the kids and she said the twins looked like me.

I was so trusting. So believed in him! I would have bet my life, our kids lives, on him.

Well, those rose colored glasses have been ripped off!


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 677 | Registered: Jun 2012
Alex CR
Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

In hindsight, the anger and defensiveness my H showed when I asked questions about things that were 'off' should have been a huge red flag. It's not how H reacted for years before the A and it's not how he reacts now......

Prior to DDay that reaction put me on the defensive, now it would raise the hairs on my neck and awaken my inner detective.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Mar 2010
WoundedOpus
Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

The anger, the resentment...I thought it was signs that he was overly stressed (things WERE stressful), and he was just having a hard time adjusting. I went from feeling like partners in our life, to feeling like his adversary :(

Had no clue his changes came AFTER he'd already started the EA. Today, if his attitude towards me shifted so fast again, I'd be on high alert!


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

The guarded electronics, the change in daily habits (super late hours),

outside phone calls in the middle of the night, shutting his computer off when we walked in the room,

suddenly getting late nights at work at a job that didn't allow overtime;

this was the first thing that raised the hairs on he back of my neck;

Times he couldn't be found at work for a phone call when he should be at his desk;

When he wouldn't change his cell phone number and only mine, this was the clue to R being false;

Always looking behind us in the car;

Sneaking off in a store and finding ways to be away from me more and more and more;

Failing sex life over time when I had not changed; it was due to what he was doing but he blamed it on me.

Names of women he started to talk about but never had before and ones that I did not know; also on his fb page; it's believed they are his "conquest collection" or "backup girls"

It was interesting to note that at least three had same name as OW before I deleted my account. ?


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

You all want to feel better - Read everything I ignored!

My H started using teeth whitening strips

The OBVIOUS signs I IGNORED:

* He withdrew from me 100% No sex for a looooong time
* He became a hermit and lived in the basement. He would come home from work, grunt at me, grunt at the kids, eat dinner and retreat to his cave.
* He refused to do anything fun with me - no family outings, no date nights. Nothing.
*Grass stains on his pants from their trysts in the park
* He ran soooo many errands! Almost every night...drug store, gas, etc.
* One Saturday he ran to Home Depot - after 2 hrs I called to find out where he was. He said "I stopped for coffee"...
* On our anniversary gave me a dozen red roses at noon and by 6:00 pm told me he wasn't happy
* Tells me a "friend from work" has invited him and our dd to an amusement park... the story that it was a bday party and the friend needed someone with a van to help transport the kids...
* I found an email he printed from the OW that was encouraging him to leave me. I confronted - just a friend,he said. A friend he could talk to. A friend that just wanted him to be happy

By now you would have thought I'd have gotten a clue! But, nope, not my H! Not in his blood - against his character

* His birthday comes and I am invited to join him and "friends" from work for drinks. I go and there are a handful of people. At one point Mark went to the bathroom, a gal announces "I'm gonna go call Mr L"... I'm thinking NAH! Can't be - her H name must be Mr L too! He went to the bathroom a LOT that night. When I asked months later (after I knew of the A) what it was they talked about I get "nothing really"... so, now, of course, I'm thinking they had phone sex - I mean she called him while he's holding his dick in his hands!

Then everyone leaves, but not this gal - she bellies up to the bar next to H! H tries to draw us into conversation with EACH OTHER! OMG! But remember, I am CLUELESS... Yet I'm thinking... this is his good friend, she knows we are having troubles, WHY doesn't she leave so we can have some alone time?!?

OMG - this reads like a soap opera! It could be a lifetime movie... make that a mini series!

So... MCOW decides to finally leave and she is DRUNK. So out she goes and what do *I* do?? I send my H out to be sure she is OK to drive!!! Of course, he goes willingly!! Comes back and says she is going to sit in her car for a little while and he will check on her later. Oh, what a good friend my H is being to her! He goes out again and is gone for like 1/2 hr!!

But again... I am in total denial...

We get home that night and have sex - he introduces a new move and says (he was also feeling no pain drunk) "I don't think I've ever done this with you"... I remember thinking WTF?? If not with me, then with who? We've been together for 25+ YEARS! But I shrug it off!!!

OMG!! I look back and wonder I could have been so stupid.
But hey, now you can all feel some relief that perhaps you weren't as STOOPID as L2HM was!!


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6561 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
ReunitePangea
Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

BeyondBreaking - that underwear story is awesome. I'm still find myself amazed at the crazy stories that can be made up to cover.

My WW was VERY good and keeping her LTA under lock and key. I do remember many times though when I was questioning her schedule though. I would say things like oh I thought you were doing (insert excuse used) that on Wednesday not Tuesday. I would then get the "you don't ever listen to what I say" thrown back at me so I would then just end my questions at that moment. Now I am the one who has an excellent memory, not my WW. I must have thought that I was going crazy not remembering so I think that is when I started making my WW repeat what she says often by saying "what did you just say" so that I made sure that I had it right. That eventually started driving her crazy as well. Sadly looking back, I was right from the start often on what I heard her schedule was.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
StixNstones
Member
Member # 37458
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Wh put a lock on his phone and one day I grabbed the phone and demanded he give me the password. He became super defensive and refused to give it up saying that he had pictures of naked women on it that his bf sent to him and he didnt want me to get offended or hurt my feelings. At the time I knew I wouldnt become offended but he started getting angry the more I pushed it and it never crossed my mind that there was "someone" else. I trusted him blindly. I wish I could go back in time to that moment and do things differently! I could have cut his EA short by 10 months!

Like others have commented...the defensive behavior, getting angry for no reason, etc.. (all out of the wayward handbook)

But the one thing that sent the light bulbs flashing for me happened on or right around St. Patricks day (before the first dday)

We were in his truck going home and he asked me if I was happy. I said I know we have our problems but Im happy with our life and family (I loved him, but at the time, unbeknownst to me, he loved someone else) He then told me he wasnt happy, and there was no one else, and, he did not want a divorce.

I got the same "feelings" from his question that I got from my very first boyfriend (20 years ago) when he asked me "what would you do if I cheated"? Diff circumstances, but the "feeling" I had put me into high alert and suspicion.

We had our 1st of many ddays a few months after wh telling me he wasnt happy.


BS (Me): 37
WH: 40

Dday: March 2011 (found out EA Phone records)
2nd Dday: June 18, 2011 (OW told me about WH secret phone)
3rd Dday: December 13, 2012 (found evidence WH stalking Ow on FB)
4th Dday: February 4, 2013 (confession of 2nd secret


Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: East Coast
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Got real distant.

Started hanging out more and more and later and later.

Would go to basemement or garage and hangout and get mad if I came in.

Would be texting non stop

Would get pissed about his privacy.

Would have nut stains in his underwear and make up some excuse or get really pissed that I would question.

Would come home with gifts stating that someone at work didn't want it.

Just a friend. Tried to get us to be friends.

Was VERY VERY EVIL to me.

All the signs were there and I called him on all of them. I knew he was having an A. I was to scared to do anything for along time.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2011
easiersaid
Member
Member # 38398
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Mine was never out late, never caught him on the phone, lots of family time. But! Woke up in the mornings looking for a reason to be pissed off...and those of you with kids know you can almost always find one. Second and biggest, went to Dr for testosterone testing (which I suppported, thinking it might explain anxiety/anger). Came home with Viagra. When I was confused (things were good in that department) and said I didn't think he needed it, he disagreed. I asked him point blank who else he was having sex with and he became furious and stormed out of the house, never speaking of it again. Irony: guess who is having ED issues now?


Me: BS, 40 yrs
Him: WS, 41 yrs (4 PA over 14 yrs, 2 ONS, 2 current PA of 3 months and 2 yrs)
Two small children
Married 17 years
D-day: 1/26/13

Posts: 108 | Registered: Feb 2013
Pudding
Member
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

These are from my first now deceased WH, years ago.

1) Finding condoms in his jeans, when we didn't use them - though we might try them some day.

2) Taking 2 hours to drop son at birthday party 5 mins away - stayed talking to the other dads.

3) Out with friend after work, then friend rings up to speak to him. I say, I thought he was with you. Friend says ah yes, he was I forgot. Friend rang next day to apologise for being pissed the day before.

4) Kids answer phone when I ring from a business trip and say day's been out shopping a long time and we are hungry.

5) Got lost coming home from new job when I was miscarrying. Never made it to hospital in time.

6) got lost going home after birth of DS2, when my mum was waiting with DS1. needed a drink on way before facing DS1 and my mum.


Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
keeponkeepingon
Member
Member # 32935
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Oh yes, the signs were everywhere! But I never thought that he would do that to me. To us.

Bastard!


"I know you and you know me and I know you can see. So help me get my way back to you"

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: On the corner of Grey St at the end of the world
roughroadahead
Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

It's not that I ignored the signs, I just had no idea what they were pointing to. He was never out late, always home on the weekends, no password on his personal cell. His work cell was always password protected as a HIPAA requirement, so no flags raised there.

He did become absolutely evil. No matter what I said, he would get angry. He had always been moody, but this was foul mood overdrive. Out of the blue, about a week before d-day, he suggested a "trial separation". If that ever happens in the future, that's a sure sign...


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 739 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
NikkiD
Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

He wasnt quite done with his first wife while he gave me a test run (didnt know stuff wasnt final)

Mean

Super helpful to every ratchet heffa except me

Extremely judgemental about what I do, about what he wont do, but never offers a viable alternative.

Telling me Im boring, but is not the catalyst of spontenaity himself.

Staying out late, not answering his phone, super defensive...

And of course all my friends told me. What really sucks is the one male friend who was not only spot on in his actions but in his timing to. Pretty much provided me a play by play as his father was the same way.

SIGH...


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Mine were all kind of eh:

after years of being yucky mouthed he was crazy about going to the dentist

he started stocking up on things he thought he would need when I found out and threw him out (still LMAO when I see the stuff he bought)

he started CARING about being on time for work

he volunteered to work a lot more and got a second job (trying to figure out how he could support himself)

HE accused ME of being in love with my boss (it was him in love with his)

HE accused ME of cheating with a dad from kid's hockey

he quit going to any of the gatherings with my family

he wanted AWAY from me on holidays


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

The ONLY thing is how protective he was of his phone. Since he takes call he truly needed to have it at all times. And he was still protective of it after Dday; he had gotten very close to the thing .

Since he takes emergency calls he kept irregular hours, which I never questioned. He didn't change his behavior at all and was as loving and complimentary as ever. We did have less sex than before, but he was getting older and vacation sex was still great. (this downturn had everything to do with how he was feeling about himself--shitty--and nothing to do with sex with the OW, which was infrequent and unsatisfying). He was always home on the weekends and when he was off call and never snuck off ever.

I only got suspicious before Dday because he said he was at work one night and when I went by his car wasn't there and when I got home he had no good explanation (still doesn't, I really think we just crossed paths). I asked to see his phone and found he had erased all the texts. I asked him to bring home his business phone records and he brought home the bill. That night after he was asleep I used the bill to change the password and get the records; then I found the calls and texts. Mostly during the work day, rarely on nights and weekends and never on holidays or vacations. But even so it was every single work day and throughout the day for the full two years that the records went back. He did not admit PA for almost 18 months and only then because I got an anonymous letter and got the OW to confess.

I think because he was so good at compartmentalizing he really did seem like himself when he was home and with his family. He never thought about her at home, unless she tried to intrude on his family time. He would block her attempts and then her crazy would come out.

I would never had known if I hadn't gotten that letter.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1761 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

None. (to ignore)

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 2:16 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
BW2639
Member
Member # 34875
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

You mean other than the hundreds of minutes of phone conversations that I saw on the bill and then after having confronted her about it only to be told that "it was only an EA and one lunch date"? ..then I guess the answer is no. ( I was such an fool). Turns out it was already a PA at that time and went on for another 2-3 years.


married 21 yr
Reconciling

Posts: 175 | Registered: Feb 2012
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Password protected his phone.
Suddenly took up texting.
Waking in the middle of the night, and him being on his phone.
He moved the dogs to the basement, the dogs that he let in our bed. He didn't want to smell them, or have their hair on him. I don't know but guess she didn't like dogs. Dumb Bia!#h

The killers, the destroyers of my self confidence...

I was a bad mom
I was a bad wife
I was a horrible housekeeper
I didn't do enough around the house....

Looking back now I wonder how I let it happen, why did I accept his words? I am a damn good mom, an awesome wife, and a HORRIBLE housekeeper, and will always be, but he never cared before. Life is too damn short to spend time cleaning when you could be having fun with kids and family.

But I digress....


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8713 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I won't say I totally ignored signs, I just dismissed them as probably nothing.
#1 this was a biggie....couldnt keep it up. He never ever had had any problems in that area and he wasn't old enough to have ED, I didn't think. He refused to go to the Dr and I.insisted it was because he was stressed over the team he was coaching....recreationally ok, he's not a coach by profession.
#2. When we hadn't had sex in months, we did kind of unexpectedly and he had shaven his pubes. When I said, wtf? He said he did it for me.
#3 total disinterest in our home. Yard work, repairs came to a screeching halt.
#4 he would not go to any of my family functions

All of these signs were red flags but I believed him when he said it was due to stress.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5134 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
SadFlower
Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

(Background: OW used to work for FWH; we moved about two months after they got involved. We were friends with her and her husband and their two children, who are terrific kids.)

Some of mine (and boy, was I dense)

--He lent OW his car while hers was in the shop. This was the first thing. It made me twitchy, but I shrugged it off. He's just being a good friend! He's Mr. Wonderful!

--When we moved from OW's city, and her kids would have sports events near our new city, he would go to them. I mean, c'mon--who goes to synchronized swim events, or soccer games on rainy days, unless one of your own kids (or grandkids) is in it? This made me twitchy, too, but I was still willing to believe he was just being nice. Showing interest!

--He checked his Blackberry constantly. But it was a work phone, and he had a demanding job.

--On my days working at home, I would sometimes get calls from people at his work asking for him. The callers were always under the impression that he was working from home that day. I thought, gee, he's in a meeting, or at lunch or something. It never occurred to me that he was taking the train to a city halfway between OW's and ours for an afternoon of hot sex.

--He was impatient with me a lot of the time, and would sometimes speak to me in a nasty, contemptuous tone of voice.

--He didn't get me a present or card for our 10th anniversary. Nothing. Dinner at a nice restaurant, but nothing else. He was two years into the A by that time.

I know there are more that will occur to me once I post this, but those are some of them.

And yes, I feel like an idiot.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
brokenandconfuse
Member
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Sadly, this is how my H has always been, so I didn't notice a real difference. Now looking back H always mentioned the other women names and would rape me or get angrier with me. But that was fairly normal. My gut said something wasn't right, but he wasn't even uncomfortable having us in the same room. He made it like we were all friends.


2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced


Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
struggling16
Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I've posted these before. The signs I saw which I consciously pushed away because I just knew my H would never cheat:

-he treated me with complete contempt most of the time (one time yelling "--ck you" at me three times for no reason)

-was short-tempered about practically everything

-when I expressed confusion about things he would yell at me

-sudden unexplained trips to do chores at our cottage; the chores were rarely completed and I was encouraged to stay home because he knew how much I loved to tend the garden.

-we had a routine of him letting the phone ring twice when he got to the cottage so I would know he was there safely. We would talk about our day at 9:00 p.m. because of the charges. One time I picked up after the first ring and he was furious. (He was with the AP).

-staying longer at the cottage than originally planned

-traffic noises when he called me from the quiet cottage; he said it was the tv

-encouraging me to visit my parents alone and to stay for long periods

-asking me to get him cash when I went on my daily walk (alone); I wondered where the cash was going??!!

-handling the credit card statements so I wouldn't see his monthly cialis purchase

-rarely being in the same room with me

-picking stupid fights and stomping out of the house for "bike rides" (he was texting the AP) or driving away (to text)

-he lay for hours on the couch with "headaches"; I was worried sick.

-spending hours in the bathroom (with the secret phone)-I wanted him to see the Dr. because of his intestinal distress!

-staying up all night; sleeping in until noon (he was looking at porn and texting the AP)

-buying new clothes (I even ordered him some with my birthday gift card)

-losing a ton of weight and exercising like a maniac

I was actually relieved on Dday because I had thought I was crazy for over 6 months.


Posts: 723 | Registered: Aug 2011
huRtZ413
Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

None



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
Bravenewgirl
Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

When the bank records showed that he made a 10 dollar purchase (exact price of a pack of smokes) at a store in the middle of a residential neighbourhood where he had no business being.

When I asked him about it: In the middle of his bus ride home from work, he decided to go 5 stops past where he was supposed to get off, then walk 3 blocks to the residential street where the store was, and then walk back to the bus stop and take it back to where he was supposed to get off. This was all allegedly because he felt like taking a walk.

At that time, I asked him if he was having an affair. Oh no, he said, just wanted to take a walk. Yep. Just a regular walk. Take a walk to OWs house for a BJ and a smoke, you mean.

I believed it, sort of, because I did not want to consider the alternative to his bullshit story.

OW was thrilled to point out to me in her letter outing the affair that they were on their way to her place that night.

Gah, I get mad just thinking about it, both because he thought I was so gullible, and because I was.


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
LivingALie
Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

My H sounds much like SadFlower’s husband. My H is “Mr NiceGuy” – would do anything for anyone. I could see mine doing all those same things.

I also dismissed a lot of things I saw that were huge red flags.
Constantly on the blackberry, but he had a demanding job too.
He worked out every day after work and was coming home later and later – but he had been diligent about his work-outs for years.
He was often short with me and would be nasty too – but the next day he’d leave me a sweet note or he would laugh it off. I just attributed it to being cranky, aren’t we all, sometimes?
He’d make insinuations about me cheating – when I would get angry – he would say “can’t you take a joke”
He never password protected ANYTHING – NOTHING – that’s how I discovered the affair. I didn’t think he was having an affair – and one day – for a reason I can’t explain even to this day – I looked at his email, I had never looked before. I saw an email to a co-worker about Marriott rewards points (he doesn’t travel for work) – and another saying “I miss you” and referencing something about being on the phone. Even THEN – I thought to myself, I’m missing something – there’s a good explanation – he would never cheat.
Seemed to have more dinner meetings
The man who didn’t even know what size he wore – all of sudden wanted new clothes
The man who never wore cologne and never went shopping – went out and bought men’s scented aftershave
He was rude to my family – who treated him like a son – and he’d always had a good relationship with everyone in my family – all of a sudden at family functions he’d sit in the other room and sulk


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Nov 2007
IAmPsycho
Member
Member # 39337
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I think when you trust someone, you DO ignore signs. But WOW, have I felt stupid since then.

Background: OW was my friend

1. I sent him to her house to clean her drain! Oh he cleaned her drain alright.

2. Going to the movies alone. That's a free 2 1/2 hours right there!

3. Not caring when I was sick.

But really, he did a pretty good job of acting normal. He helped around the house, kissed me goodbye, put the kids to bed, and went to work, just like always. THAT is what kills me now. Because how could I ever know?

And now when he says " I show you that I love you everyday by going to work and helping around the house". I say, " no those don't count because you did those things when you hated me and loved her".


BS (me) 43
WS (him) 48
Married 25 years
Reconciling for 12 years
DDAY 01-16-01
A with my best friend
Lots of children from 24-4 weeks old

Posts: 62 | Registered: May 2013
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)


His EA only lasted a short two weeks, in that time;

He started closing the bathroom door.

Couldn't wait to leave for work. (Phone time with OW)

Phone was locked (easy password ) and became his third testicle

Refused to look me in the eye.

Slept on his side with his back solidly towards me.

Refused to kiss me.

Thrilled if I didn't go to sons sport (phone time with OW)

Made damned sure I didn't see him nekkked..

Came home as late as he dared from work (OW worked there)

Was super jumpy and spooky.. hmmm...


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Tesa
Member
Member # 10002
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Oh wow! I've wanted to tell this story to someone for so long but I've always felt so stupid....

No offense but this one is even worse than underwear...

Once day almost nine years ago, I drove my now ex-WS's mustang to the park where we were having our oldest DD's 3rd birthday. I was 8 months pregnant with our 2nd DD at the time. I was meeting ex-WS there. He took the explorer with the grill and other items. So, I get out of the car and pull up the seat to get DD out of the carseat in the back and I look down on the floor and see a pack on condoms (unopened). My heart sank! Why on earth would there be condoms on the floor of his car?? I picked them up and slid them in my purse. Later that night after the party (didn't want to ruin it for DD), he told me he used them to put over my 1.5 inch curling iron to put in his .... (well you can guess).

Yes, I thought it was too gross to lie about and I threw the curling iron away. Of course now I know it was just one of the 7 OW and 1 of the 1000s of lies he told. NPD!!


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Mar 2006
cancuncrushed
Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I saw them all. while it happened, I even asked him if he was cheating. I prayed alot. His symtoms: traveling more then ever. Buying new clothes and underwear. Constantly shaping his facial hair. Looking in mirror constantly. No sex w me. ANd avoiding me, in angry way. Golfing everyday. I never doubted it. She gave it away at company party. I am always intrigued by the angry avoidance. ?????? I still wonder why he insisted I go to that company party.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 951 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
Bravenewgirl
Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

there were so many others...this thread has me triggering like mad!

1. refusing BJ (because he had just had one)

2. refusing lift to / from work (they would ride the bus together)

3. hockey games scheduled at 10 PM (oh, hockey, is that was they call it now?)

4. taking walks in the evening and going to the local park to do unspecified sports (by that time OW had moved 3 blocks away, and the "sports" meant he could come home sweaty)

5. Unexplained cat hair

6. The whiff of perfume I would get on occasion.

7. Encouraging me to get out of town because I deserved a break.

[This message edited by Bravenewgirl at 3:17 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
Willneverlearn
New Member
Member # 34698
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

AN THE AWARD FOR" stupid,thick,dumb,dumber,blind,naive,stupid,thick,blind and dumb goes to WILL NEVER LEARN.

First affair:

I'm so kind I'm sending you away for the weekend because you SO need a break "best you takes babies with you though"
Me: ok,so kind and sensitive
Him: should ??? come and teach me how to make sushi..cause you love sushi honey
Me: great idea
Me:there's long black hair in sons bed honey and in shower...did ??? stay over.
Him: yeah it was late so gave her a bed for the night
Me:your so kind, can't wait to try sushi
Him:don't come out on boat today, too busy, and next day too busy and next and next and next and next
Me: ok

Many gifts and cards sent to husband over many months.
Me: she's so sweet
Him:have been invited to do course in Japan,great opportunity, step up in company etc,etc
Me:you're worked so hard, deserve it,we'll done,of course you should go in fact while there you should look up ??? maybe you could see her
Him: never thought of that,I could you know,great idea my loving wife.
Me: you better look her up soon, who ever thought you would end up in her country,such coincidence.
Me:gets him travel guides, gifts to take,blah,blah
Him: don't call me there,way too expensive, I 'll call you, much cheaper
Me: great idea, saves money
Me: listens to a voicemail on his phone before he leaves for Japan
"I really miss you today sunshine etc etc
Him: oh it's nothing, she's gone really strange, I don't know what it's about but gee I won't be going NEAR her in Japan
Me: cautions him to not go near her, she sounds crazy, but still go, you're worked so hard
Him: goes, removes wedding ring,has father drop him at airport,has me help pack his bags, I want him to look good so pack nice clothes of course, whole world excited for him even our 3 kids under five, not the very,very,sick baby though, she was only 5 months old
Him: goes 10 days,calls me all the time, talks about all the people on the course,their names,details etc
Him: comes home to royal welcome
Him: too tired on way home from airport to buy batteries for 4 yr old sons present
Him: so exhausted, could find anything for me over there cause they're so tiny, nothing would fit me,"ya know"
Me: questions things in his photos like other beers on the table when he was "drinking on his own" etc etc
Six months later I find the photo album of their romantic hol together.

No course, just a good old holiday when he had no annual leave owing, we had dept, very sick baby and three under 5.
These are just a FEW , many I would be too embarrassed to mention,I guess you can just love and trust some one THAT MUCH...
AND THE AWARD GOES TO.....

that was the first affair...2-3 yrs long....,never suspected a thing..... NOT A THING...he even left to pick her up to take her to the airport only hours after cutting the umbilical cord to our third baby,never mentioned her birth on way to airport...list goes on ..I could write forever

10 yrs later her I am again,two yrs false R...this lovely also from Japan,also has cancer, alsomearly 20s, also needed saving,undetected yet again..

Won't embarrass myself further...
Signs as obvious as an ugly wart on your nose but me... Well thats what 27 years of love ,loyalty,faithfulness and dumbassness gets you..

Sorry this has turned into a seething vent but I guess I will just never get over it..


Posts: 24 | Registered: Jan 2012
Cheatedon23
Member
Member # 37324
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

With the first one, there were lots of phone calls to her on phone bill. Was told they were just friends and she was going through a divorce and needed someone to listen to her. (Found out later, she has never been married)

With OW#2, who he worked with, they would text each other all the time, and would stay late at work because of the special project they were working on. Was told she was like a sister to him!

But the best sign I ignored, hit me like a ton a bricks the other day and I can't believe a forgot about it and didn't do anything about it at the time. But I vividly remember him coming home and when I went to kiss him hello, his face and beard smelled like sex! When I told him that, he said that it was just sweat because it was hot. I said, well your sweat smells like sex! He then went to take a shower! Seriously, how stupid could I have been!!


Me: BS 51
Him: WH 52
D - 26; S - 23; S - 20

Married 31years, together 34
D-Day 1 - April 1, 2012
D-Day 2 - October 5, 2012
D-Day 3 - August 15, 2014
Heading towards Divorce


Posts: 87 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Georgia
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

]Slept on his side with his back solidly towards me
Totally forgot this one. ^^^^^^^^^^^
In fact if I tried to lie down by him, he would literally scoot as close to the edge of the mattress as he could.

Saw another one up there ^^^^ about exploding over stupid things. He screamed at me one time ..I fn hate you, you disgust me!!! Never ever ever had he spoken those ugly words to me. This wasn't even during a heated argument, it was because I didn't want to ride with his parents so.he could take the car later by himself while we were out of town...duh he wanted phone time with skankarella.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:13 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5134 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

.

hockey games scheduled at 10 PM (oh, hockey, is that was they call it now?)

Oh yes! This is what he told Lucky daughter & boyfriend so they'd leave the rink and he could jump into the car/truck with OW


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
brokensunflower
Member
Member # 38674
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

didn't want me to see naked his phone was attached to his dick .. password on phone ..didn't want to have sex with me ... brought the browser down on computer so I couldn't see what he was doing I mean my red flags were going off but didn't think anything of it ...


me 33
him 32
6 wonderful kids 12 yrs 8 yrs 5 yrs 4 yrs and 2 yrs ..and new baby
married 10 years together for 12 yrs
working on R

my give a damn is busted


Posts: 225 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: cold ohio
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Oh, I have more:

Went through DD dad's phone and found a bunch of "self portraits" of his south of the border regions. He told me that he took the pictures before and after he lost weight to compare his dick size.

DD's dad had an ex (his main ow) that hadn't been with him in 2 years when he and I met, but prior to that, they lived together for 3 years and she bought a car in his name. He told me they needed to meet once a month so she could give him a check for the car. I asked why she couldn't just mail it, and he insisted that he hated the post office. One time in our early relationship, I went to his house and noticed that all the pictures of us that were in his room were hidden in drawers and such (one was an u/s picture). I asked him why, and he got all sketchy saying that his ex came over to make a car payment. I asked what that has anything to do with his room, and he said that she came in the house and wouldn't stop talking. I just believed him- it wasn't until afterwards that I realized his excuse didn't even add up. He would have to have hid pictures BEFORE she came over, which means he PLANNED for her to go into his bedroom.

I caught him texting some girl from work and asked him what he was talking to her about- he told me she is a recovering alcoholic and every month she is sober, he texts her to congratulate her. I thought he was SO sweet. *rolls eyes*

With current fiance:

He accused me of cheating on him/planning to leave him

He kept insisting that I have early mornings, and kept telling me to go to bed earlier than him (so he could stay up late and peruse CL)

He was very protective of his phone.

Whenever we had sex, he ALWAYS smelled like he had taken care of himself earlier. Well, turns out he DID do that...and then was too tired to finish with me.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Oh, I have more:

Went through DD dad's phone and found a bunch of "self portraits" of his south of the border regions. He told me that he took the pictures before and after he lost weight to compare his dick size.

DD's dad had an ex (his main ow) that hadn't been with him in 2 years when he and I met, but prior to that, they lived together for 3 years and she bought a car in his name. He told me they needed to meet once a month so she could give him a check for the car. I asked why she couldn't just mail it, and he insisted that he hated the post office. One time in our early relationship, I went to his house and noticed that all the pictures of us that were in his room were hidden in drawers and such (one was an u/s picture). I asked him why, and he got all sketchy saying that his ex came over to make a car payment. I asked what that has anything to do with his room, and he said that she came in the house and wouldn't stop talking. I just believed him- it wasn't until afterwards that I realized his excuse didn't even add up. He would have to have hid pictures BEFORE she came over, which means he PLANNED for her to go into his bedroom.

I caught him texting some girl from work and asked him what he was talking to her about- he told me she is a recovering alcoholic and every month she is sober, he texts her to congratulate her. I thought he was SO sweet. *rolls eyes*

With current fiance:

He accused me of cheating on him/planning to leave him

He kept insisting that I have early mornings, and kept telling me to go to bed earlier than him (so he could stay up late and peruse CL)

He was very protective of his phone.

Whenever we had sex, he ALWAYS smelled like he had taken care of himself earlier. Well, turns out he DID do that...and then was too tired to finish with me.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Luvmustbtuf
New Member
Member # 36661
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

The most obvious sign before getting married that I ignored: The history of divorce on his mother and father's side due to infidelity (grandparents,parents, aunts, uncles,cousins, etc)...several generations. That should have told me to stay away.


Me: BS 29
Him: WS 29
No Kids
DDay: 1/18/12 - my bday
Still in limbo. Ho-worker still lurks.

Together 6 years, married 2 almost 3
EA, turned PA??
"There are 7 billion people on this planet living happily without you. I can be one of those


Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 42