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Wayward Side
User Topic: My Former Revenge Affair Partner Just Msged Me Randomly...
anonymous823
Member
Member # 39433
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I had a revenge affair that was purely emotional and started three days before dday with my F. I started the affair because I was pretty certain my F was cheating and I didn't want to have to be hurt without someone to lean on. Problem is that the AP was a stand up guy.

I never met the AP in person because he was out of state but we'd Skype and talk or text all day. One day I stopped and changed my number, not for my F but because I was out of integrity.

Well today he sent me a message through a video app I forgot we used to use to talk. He said he misses me and that I'm a great woman and he hopes only the best for me.

I feel bad that I probably hurt him because he really is a good man and he was there for me. I told my F and he wasn't happy. I've since deleted the account.

I'm currently fighting the urge to send the AP an apology. Unlike the AP my F chose, my AP is not a bad person. Anyone else had these feelings?


Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2013
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

This
Problem is that the AP was a stand up guy.

and this

feel bad that I probably hurt him because he really is a good man and he was there for me.

and this

Unlike the AP my F chose, my AP is not a bad person.

No. Just no. He is not a good man, good person or stand up guy. He was aware you were in a relationship I am assuming and yet was willing to become emotionally attached to you. That is not what a stand up guy would do. You were pretty certain your F was cheating and this made it okay for you to seek an EA? It seems like you have a few justifications in there which help you view your AP in a positive light. He is not positive, he is someone who is toxic. By the way its also probably not him your missing but the "emotion" he made you feel. That feel good someone understands me BS feeling that so many waywards have used to justify their actions.

Have you done the work on you to figure out why cheating was a choice that you could allow yourself to make? Once you start digging you'll be able to see your actions and the actions of your AP with something that does not have fondness or sympathy attached. Maintain NC and start working on you.

[This message edited by Unagie at 12:38 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2760 | Registered: Oct 2012
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

This
Problem is that the AP was a stand up guy.

and this

feel bad that I probably hurt him because he really is a good man and he was there for me.

and this

Unlike the AP my F chose, my AP is not a bad person.

Did he know you were married/engaged/in a committed relationship, or did you keep him in the dark about this?


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 2:40 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Have you done the work on you to figure out why cheating was a choice that you could allow yourself to make? Once you start digging you'll be able to see your actions and the actions of your AP with something that does not have fondness or sympathy attached. Maintain NC and start working on you.

Anon, I don't know how long ago your RA was but I'm wondering if length of time, working on oneself and maintaining NC correlates with how you view the A?

I'm at the very beginning of my digging and self-discovery journey. Scared but curious all at the same time to understand my wayward-ness. I'm wondering is it at all possible to think that your AP wasn't the biggest ass-hole in the world even once you've got to your why's etc?

Is it ok to view him/her as someone that was as fucked up as you and made bad decisions just like you did?

I guess, like anon, there are moments where I feel bad for xAP and for pursuing him when he'd try to break it off (this also happened the other way around btw). I feel guilty that he would try to do the right thing and I would drag him back in again.

Vets? Is this foggy thinking still? How do you interpret this?

I can relate to you anon, although think you should not reply to apologise and you did the right thing by deleting the account. Writing back may come across as an invite for further communication when you may not mean it that way.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

I had a revenge affair that was purely emotional
Nobody gets points for emotional vs. physical. An affair is an affair. Period.

I started the affair because I was pretty certain my F was cheating and I didn't want to have to be hurt without someone to lean on.
So...you were sure you were being cheated on and instead of reaching out in a healthy way (counselor, trusted friend, family, pastor) you decided to cheat yourself? Did you not think that the same hurt you were feeling because of your WS betrayal, you were in turn dishing right back to him?

One day I stopped and changed my number, not for my F but because I was out of integrity.
You were out of integrity the moment you decided to cheat.

Unlike the AP my F chose, my AP is not a bad person.
How do you know this? Because he told you? Our AP's will tell us they are leaders of the Boy Scouts, they crochet with their grandmother's every Saturday morning, and are the choir director at their church. Yeah? So?

How exactly have you verified that he is all that and a bag of chips compared to your WS AP? You never met him in person. You only know what he told you via apps. Is he married? Does he have children? Do you know that for a fact? Did you check? Did he know you are engaged and in a relationship?

I think you're in hot water if you're going to start the whole, "My AP is awesomer than your AP." All APs suck. Period. Pure and simple. All APs (whether they know it or not) helped us destroy ourselves and our relationships. Nothing to feel warm and fuzzy about there. Your AP is the enemy. Your WS AP is the enemy. They're both bad.

NC is NC. Would you want your WS sending his AP an apology letter? I seriously doubt it. You owe your AP nothing. Zilch. Nada. Stay NC.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6291 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
anonymous823
Member
Member # 39433
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

I know everyone here is right. I don't have feelings for the xAP, I never did and I knew that I wouldnt because I love my F. I was immature to have sought revenge and we talked about that during our last therapy session. I don't miss him and I won't break NC, I just feel bad because he didn't know that I was involved. I lied to him and i was wrong to do that. I'm not going to contact him to say that because I'm committed to R with my F. I knew a lot about the AP because he was up front but I know that doesn't matter. I was just feeling bad about having lied to who I knew to be a good person is all. I wouldn't risk my relationship to tell him that though. I appreciate everyone on here asking me about my work, I'm in individual counseling and I realize that I have played down my affair. I honestly didn't feel it was that big a deal until recently.

To answer some statements: when I thought I was being cheated on I didn't immediately cheat I confronted my F and he denied it for 5 more months. I talked to my therapist and she said to trust him so long as there was no evidence but added that I would just know at some point.My F said he felt emotionally abandoned and he was right, I didn't know what to do to fix that so I would just give bandaids and temporary availability but then I would fall backwards. I didn't immediately seek out anyone though I felt alone too. I sought someone out just three days before dday or 5 months after Ibecame ssuspicious.

[This message edited by anonymous823 at 7:50 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2013
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

May I ask not to be snarky but how was he there for you? He never knew about the problems you were having in your R because he never knew you were in a R so how was he there for you?


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2760 | Registered: Oct 2012
anonymous823
Member
Member # 39433
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

@Unagie- no snarkiness taken. I have anxiety and I had several attacks around dday and he coached me through them and listened to me. He is a firefighter so I think that it just came natural to him to help a person but he unknowingly pulled me back from the brink around that time. I was seriously depressed after that.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2013
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Thank you for explaining. Either way I think you need to concentrate on IC. Don't respond to any attempts of him to contact you, ignoring him will eventually make him stop. Keep working on you and figuring out the reasons behind your choices. I am very sleepy so sorry this message is shorted then I want it to be.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2760 | Registered: Oct 2012
anonymous823
Member
Member # 39433
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

Thanks @Unagie. I think my feelings were fleeting; I have no temptation to send an apology at all anymore.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 10