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User Topic: Moved here from R. Update, going home, Pg 3
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

I have moved from the R forum to general. I guess my tail is a cautionary one to those who let down their guard. As late as Monday afternoon, I was exchanging loving texts with my WH, possibly STBX. And Tuesday morning it all went to shit.

WH has been carting around many boxes of Playboys for decades. He came into the marriage with them, 21 years ago. They never bothered me until DDay. Then, while one of my non-negotiable demands was that he get rid of everything on all electronic and printed media that was sexual, I allowed him to keep the Playboys. Heck, I read them! Frankly, I sorta forgot about the boxes because they were in a closet that we never use except for long-term storage. We started clearing out that room in preparation for putting new flooring down, and I was reminded of how many boxes there were 6. I started a conversation/dialog about feeling anxious about them and asked if he could winnow them down to 1 box. He made a long and passionate statement about how it wasn’t just tits and ass, but old articles that he liked, a snapshot in time, etc. Being as I had horded boxes of old Readers Digest for the same interest in time snapshots (they are long gone now), I said I would think about it. And, I came to the conclusion later that I was about 98% good with them staying.

Talking about them made me curious about looking thru a couple to take a look at some of the differences then vice now. So I opened the box that was sorta off by itself. On the top were a couple of older playboys, but under them was pornography. Old stuff. Lots of stories about incest that had to have been printed in the early 90’s. A folder of more recent stuff. Hard core porn magazines. A couple of books. All stuff that he had promised me he had gotten rid of. I left the box open. He wasn’t due back at the house until after 9pm, so I figured that I would leave it until the morning and then ask him about it. No alarms were triggered per se, but I was concerned.

The next morning actually started off really nice. We got up and immediately did our morning DIALOG, an exercise in emotions that we do daily. Emotions about, ironically enough, intimacy. At the end, while we were still face to face, he said that he had seen the open box and that it must have been a shock to me to have found the stuff. I said yes, and then said, I thought that you told me that you got rid of all of those items.

He looked me dead in the eye and said, “those were things that I winnowed out. I couldn’t bear to get rid of them. I’ve had an emotional attachment to them for many years.” Then, using the exact same words that he did on DDay, he said “I didn’t think that you would find them. I hid them away. I knew that it would hurt you if you found them, but I didn’t think that you would. Then I sorta “forgot” about them being there.”

The Exact Same Fucking Words. And it had the Exact Same Fucking Results. My scarred heart broke open, and I started hemorrhaging on the floor. Tears streaming down my cheeks.

I asked him, why would you keep this stuff knowing that it would tear me apart? He said that he had had them for over 15 years and that he was emotionally attached to them. I asked him, do you mean that you have a greater attachment to these magazines than you do to me and our 21 years together? He didn’t answer. I asked, is this all of it? He swore yes. I asked him, how can I believe a liar? He said he understood.

I made him leave the house first and had him put the box into my truck, which I then locked and took all copies of keys for. I went to work, left early, and started going thru every box. Then I went thru his bedside table. Hidden away in those magazines, I found a Phone for Sex booklet entitled “Kinky Couples.” It had vile pornographic images of
“couples” doing sex acts. The rest of the book must have had over 200 phone numbers for people, describing every sex act that you can think of, to call and have phone sex with. This looked like an older brochure, but it was yet another thing that he wasn’t supposed to have. I snapped.

I called, made a hotel reservation, packed my bags, tracked him and waited until I knew he was at his next evening class where it’s mandatory to turn your phone off, then I taped “Kinky Couples” to the garage door into the house along with a note that told him that I was leaving him. I left. I thought about hefty-bagging his stuff, but I realized that I needed to walk away from the house, go thru the box in my car completely, and think. So I left and I turned off my phone so he couldn’t track me. I told him that I would contact him when I was ready to and to leave me alone until then. And I wished him well with his paper women.

I just got back from seeing our MC alone. He is in shock too. WH fooled him as well. He conjectures that there may be abuse in his background, but tells me that I need to think about if I even want to stay in this marriage. And I am doing a lot of thinking about that. I came up with a plan of action for the next few days. I called WH and told him that 1) I was going back to the house briefly to return the materials. That they belonged to him and that I was returning them to him to do with them what he wanted. 2) That I would not be coming back into the house until all materials, playboys, etc., were taken off of our property. That if he needed to hold onto them, he could rent a storage place, ask a friend to hold them, whatever. That he was an adult and that he could make the decision of what to do, but as an adult making a healthy decision for myself, I would not be returning until those materials were completely off of our property. That if he needed to, he could move out with them. 3) He told me that he had an emergency appointment with his IC tonight, so I told him that tonight was his one and only chance to come completely clean with his IC. That if he had lied to him, held back from him, or otherwise had not come clean with him, this was his one and only chance to rectify that. Because I was coming with him to his next appointment and he was to let his IC know that and know that I could ask anything I wanted and that it would be answered fully. If any of the above wasn’t done and done quickly, then I would be seeing a lawyer and having him served. He agreed to it. We have written permissions for our councilors to talk to each other if they feel it’s needed. My MC, I guess now IC, will be talking to his IC probably tomorrow.

I have a hotel room paid thru tonight. I have made arrangements to stay overnight at another place on Thursday night if needed. I intend to go home on Friday and if the materials are not gone by then, then I will be hefty bagging his stuff and he can move out with them. I intend to tell him my timeframe tonight. I will need to talk to my sister and bring her up to speed sometime this week. If I have to hefty-bag him, then I will be sending out an email to all of our relatives telling them what’s going on and why he isn’t at “home” any more. And then I’ll call my lawyer and start making the arrangements that I need to, to separate myself from him.

I am so fucking numb right now that I am having a hard time seeing straight. Thank God y-all are here.

[This message edited by Skan at 1:23 PM, June 20th, 2013 (Thursday)]


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4804 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

((((SKAN)))))

Just wanted you to know you have been heard. I am so sorry you are hurting. I wish I had the strength you do so close to your original Dday.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Must Survive
Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

(((Skan)))

I am sorry you have found stuff that was supposed to be gone. That hurts. But I am proud of you and how you are handling the situation. You are thinking for yourself.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 747 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

(((skan)))

You are doing well. Keep up the caring for you first.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8506 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

God, Skan. I'm speechless. I'm just so sorry.

His dysfunction is so very deep. It chills me to think of all the stuff he promised you, knowing full well what was lurking in those boxes. I'm literally angry and sick for you.

We're here for you anytime. Please PM me if you need to talk.

(((((((((Skan))))))))))


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17322 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Blameitontherain
Member
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

(((Skan)))

You are a very strong lady. You have a plan, you expressed boundaries, and the consequences, etc. You did it beautifully.

Kudos to you for taking back the stuff. I would be tempted to have a big Bon fire but I understand the meaning behind him taking the steps to remove the stuff like he said he already did.


Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Skan...I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I am amazed at your strength and putting your well being first. Keep it up and don't waiver..your absolutely right in your decision to get that crap out of your home. Emotionally attached?? Ughh that's gotta hurt to hear


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5039 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

I think you're incredibly brave.

Standing up for yourself is honorable.

((((Skan))))


AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21051 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Skan, I am sick for you. I am so very sorry. So sorry.

I know you're numb right now, and holding it all together. When you fall apart, you'll be okay. Know that. You.Will.Be.Okay.

We are here for you.

I was so afraid for you when the DUI happened. It reminded me SO much of what went on here, even though JM didn't get a DUI. It was so clear that there was still a mountain of shit inside his brain that was going to erupt sooner or later.

(((Skan)))


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2734 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
still2suspicious
Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

((Skan))

I am so sorry.

But, DAMN!! you did so good, girl!!!

Keep it up.

You deserve better.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Oh no, how awful - I'm so terribly sorry. :(


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6735 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

This really pisses me off. WTF was he thinking??? Oh,yes...that his "paper women" mean too much to him to throw them away...yet in not doing so,he has thrown your marriage away.

The phone sex booklet sounds...scary.

Im so sorry,Skan. SO sorry. You have been an inspiration to me,and Im sure to many others. Im very proud of you..you've been very strong since finding that box of filth. Stay strong..and when you can't,some here..we will keep you strong.


((((((((((Skan))))))))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7419 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

:(.........


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Skan, I'm so sorry. His problems are way bigger than you could have possibly known.

It's probably good that you can't feel anything right now. It's allowing you to function and carry through the steps you need to. I remember being hyper-logical and detached on d-day and the following week. Then it all fell apart, and the pain started.

You know we are here for you.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

God, Skan. My heart is breaking for you.

As the other posters have all said ... you're did great...and you will continue on that path no matter where it leads.

The fact that you are possibly giving him a chance to redeem himself is amazing.

Hugs,

Lala

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 2:02 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Oh, honey. ((((((((Skan)))))))) Sending you strength. Know that you are making all the right moves here. I'm just sick about the need to make them.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25335 | Registered: Aug 2011
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

FWIW, I think you are doing the righ thing. Whether this is the end or a ginormous bump, you have honored yourself. Well done. ((skan))


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

I don''t know if redemption is possible. I don''t know if staying married is possible. I don''t know anything right now, except that I have to focus on baby steps of what I need to get through this for the next few days. And it''s all going to be focused on me. I need to be very careful and very kind and very honest with myself.

The truly sad part is that I do believe that he loves me, whatever that means to him. And I just don''t know what that means to him. What he considers love may not be anything that I need or want. But rather than being upfront and honorable and brave, he is throwing away the best thing that has ever, in his entire life, happened to him. He is throwing away our life, our history, what we were and even more sadly, what I had glimpsed that we could become. We could have been great. If only, if only

This afternoon I am going to go to the water, and I''m going to sit down and create a possible budget for two households. If I file, I''m going to go price 5th wheels, because even with a settlement and SS, I will not be able to afford an apartment without paying out most of my monthly income. And I know that I will feel a need to be uncluttered, and free, and mobile. Not trapped. It''s so sad, that I can clearly see a life without him in it, and seeing a life with him in it is so cloudy. My feeling of sadness is like sweat or blood oozing out of my pores. It sits like a thin coat over my body. I suppose that I''ll get angry at some point. But for right now, all I can feel is the sadness that you feel, when you hear of a child being killed. The sadness for the lost potential, for something that has been cut short.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4804 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Skan, you are doing a great job at a shitty juncture. You have been so brave and have taken self-respecting and self-protective steps at every moment in this process. I am so sorry that you are going through this now. You have been a voice of strength and reason on this board since you arrived here. Take good care of yourself. Hold firm to what you need, know and deserve. Thinking of you. OAI


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

This is awful to read- I can't imagine living it.
((((Skan))))


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Tesa
Member
Member # 10002
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

I have to admit, I read this the first time and I thought "for better or worse." You married him and made these vows. He is sick and clearly this is a sickness he hasn't recovered from.

However, then I reflected more on my past. By ex-WS was diagnosed NPD. While attempting R, he called one of the (many) OW to work his extra job on our 10 year anniversary so he could go to our dinner. He could never understand why this was wrong. My ex will never get better. I knew I had to leave. Even now, 7 years later, I still struggle to withdrawal and recover from the damage caused from my former life. If it wasn’t from the help, love, and understanding my H gives me now, I would still be caught up.

I pray for your peace Skan!

Tesa


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Mar 2006
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

I went to the house and found a note. Can you count the "I''s?"

Skan,

I am sitting here welling tears for the hurt I have given you again. I have been nauseated all day and have had stress burns in my arms. That is where I carry the stress, I guess.

It has been as bad as DDay. Like that day, I knew I could not lie to you about my transgression. Like that day, I knew I was wrong and you were devastated. I know you realize down deep that I had done something wrong. Covering it up would have led to more hurt.

I was childish to not destroy the porn. I was childish and selfish to bring it back into the house. I was criminally stupid and malicious to hide it in the box with the other porn (playboys). When I was repacking the closet and found that box, I should have dumped it and the porn. I did not. I lied as I had promised myself I would not.

It was also stupid of me not to search better through the stacks by the bed when I removed the porn stories. Finding that ‘pullout’ added extra pain. It made me more of a liar. The letter from high school was probably just piling on.

I think I have found all of your messages. All are on the mark.

I hope you are safe. I understand why you do not feel safe in a house with someone who has proven to be a selfish, spoiled liar. I am sorry. That is not being a victim, it is remorse.

I have not laughed at you. I have never laughed at your pain. I have been very concerned. I have tried to help when it was bad. I was not laughing when you had lyme’s. I have not laughed at your pain this last year. I was holding you and crying when you were, literally, beating yourself up at various times. I do care. (note, my PTSD sometimes causes me to hit myself under stress)

I have an appointment with IC Wednesday. I called him as soon as I got to the office. I am continuing to see him and talk to him. I am going to talk about my addict behaviors, my lies, and my need for ‘stuff’ that have hurt you again.

Please be well. I am praying for both of us.

This letter was evidently written Tuesday night after he got home. My response, left on top of his box of pornography in the middle of the garage :

WH,

Do you really expect that I think that you cried? You don’t cry for me, for us. Situations that would have a fully-committed man blubbering with snot running down his nose leave you with a vaguely concerned look on your face. I have only seen you truly cry once, in bed, and it was all about you. About how I really didn’t know you. And whose fault is that?

I have knocked, kicked, scratched, beaten on the door, asking to be let in. You have never unlocked the door. You step out onto the porch and firmly lock that door behind you. I’m not welcome there. You have never let me in. You pretend that the house behind you doesn’t exist. Even when we’re standing on the porch.

I have news for you. This is worse than DDay. Because I bought into your lies this year. I made the decision to trust you, to love you. I saw a better tomorrow. You let me believe in all of that. You actively encouraged me and set me up for this fall. You did it knowingly, maliciously, and with great intent. You took all of the scars in my Psyche, all of the scars on my heart and on my soul, and you ripped them wide open again, leaving me to hemorrhage all over the floor. I don’t know if there’s enough healthy tissue for healing this time.

You spent the last year grin-fucking me. Telling me whatever you learned that I needed to hear, to make me fall in love with you again. To make me feel safe. You watched me go thru hell, bleeding at every step, crazy out of my mind with grief, and you held back a secret, admitting that “I knew it would hurt you, I didn’t think you would find out.” You used me. For your own, twisted gratification. MC held me today while I cried. I wept in his arms and I felt safe. You held me in your arms and I felt safe, until a day ago. The sad thing is, that I do think that you care, that you love me. I just don’t think that you know what love is. I don’t know what passes for love inside of you, but it isn’t normal.

WH, I would light a match to anything inside of this house, anything that I own, if it meant that you would be whole. I would torch the house. I would give up anything that I own, tear it apart with my bare hands, if it meant that you would be whole and healthy and loved and safe. I have let you into my mind, my soul, and I have held nothing back from you. All for you, for us. That’s what love is. I laid everything that was mine to give on an alter for you. And you shat upon it. These material possessions are worth more to you than I am. You have no idea of how that makes me feel, as you have no idea truly of what love really is.

So here’s your stuff. Enjoy it. Hold it tight to your body. Caress it. Lay on top of it and breath it all in. It’s all yours. Your true lover, the true love of your life. What hold it has on you, I don’t know. I do know that it’s supremely unhealthy, but that’s your choice to make. Enjoy your mistress.

And here’s a really simple tip on how to stop lying. Just Stop. Just. Stop.

I am setting a time limit. I am coming home on Friday afternoon at the latest. Earlier, if you purge our property of your mistresses. But on Friday afternoon, I will come home and if that material is not out of the house, then you will be. If you cannot bear to be parted from your goddesses, then I suggest that you go on Craig’s List and look for a room to rent in TownThatHeWorksIn. That will put you in walking/bus/riding distance for work when your DUI suspension takes place. I have worked out the budget and we can afford $1000 for you to get a room. I checked Craigs List and that is reasonable for up there. But truly, I don’t give a rats ass where you go you’re an adult and can make that decision. I offer the suggestion up only as something that you will need to think about, transportation wise, in less than a month’s time.

So, I''m sitting in my hotel room, choking down some food, and then I''m getting ready for a birthday party being thrown down by the harbor at 5:30 for a friend''s 50th birthday. I will have my makeup on, look stunning, and will be chatty, welcoming, and kind to everyone I see. It might look like I''m wearing some nice Hawaiian flip flops, but I assure you that they are pointy-toed bitch boots of the finest Corinthian leather. And if he has the balls to show up before his IC appt., I will be gay, and vague, and surrounded by our friends. Drinking Tonic from a wine glass.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4804 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

((((((Skan)))))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7419 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Skan,
You are beautiful and strong and one hell of a woman. I'm sure it doesn't feel like it right now. I hope you feel the strength, healing and peace that are coming to you from all corners of the country, and indeed, the world. We are here for you, and I'll be lifting you up in my prayers.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2734 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
letitout
Member
Member # 38288
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

SKAN,

You have been an inspiration throughout my posts and I want to say you are amazing.

My WH has been addicted to porn since 12 yo. Collected it secretly throughout our marriage and also lied to me after dday about quiting saying didn't think I would find out. Didn't think it would matter...

Your post is etched into my mind and the next time he better watch out. I've learned from the pros (no pun intended, my WH saw prostitutes).

Stay strong I know you are hurting.


BW 55, WH 64
2 years of prostitutes.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: California
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

(((Skan))) so very sorry.

Take care of you.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

I think this is a lot of why I first saw a lawyer about separating.... I was very afraid of a 'setback' like you are experiencing and didn't think I could survive another round. My heart aches for what you're going through; too many of us know how much it hurts. Sadly, you are not alone.

Hoping he finally 'gets it.' Not sure he will. But am glad YOU get it. Sending hugs to you.......


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

You are freaking amazing. So strong, so articulate. Clearly any man who would risk you has major issues.

Hugs and best wishes.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

You are being so strong. I try to put myself in your shoes and can see how you could think maybe a some old magazines weren't a big deal. And I understand, it wasn't the magazines so much as the lying about things he kept, knowing they would hurt you. I see so much of my WH in yours. It's scary. They are both sick, they don't really seem to know what love is but they really do seem to be trying. Sigh. If they were just a-holes, it would be easier to leave them. I know how hard this must be for you.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 8:48 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

(((Skan)))

I admire you and your strength.


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17322 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

I'm so sorry about this, Skan.
{{{hugs}}}


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8005 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Good letter. You got it. And we're here when you need us. Thinking of you.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
Mack9512
Member
Member # 38619
Default  Posted: 4:31 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

(((Skan)))

Stay strong. We will be here to prop you up when needed.

Mack


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 396 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Bravenewgirl
Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 4:37 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Oh Skan, honey, I am so sorry.

Your grace and emotional intelligence is amazing.

Gahhh, it makes me SO FREAKING MAD that a man could become "emotionally attached" to a pile of paper vaginas, and then choose the fucking paper over his amazing wife, a real live, living, breathing human being.

Apparently, he has learned nothing.

You are so bang on when you told him to lie on top of his porn and caress it.

Keep moving girl...we are here for you, whatever you decide.


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Good morning,Skan. I hope you were able to sleep last night.


(((((Skan)))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7419 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
UKlady
Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Wishing you lots of strength to do what's right for you.

((Skan))


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
njgal480
Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

So sorry for what you are going through.
This was another d-day for you.
All of the shock, pain, and feeling of betrayal.
And this may be a deal breaker for you.
But,I just wanted to add another thought...

a friend of mine went through the same thing.

Her FWH had a LTA ,they went through all of the post d-day emotions and went to IC and MC.She thought they were R.

And then, a few years after d-day she found out that he slipped up with porn (this had been an issue before he embarked on the LTA) and the new rule post d-day was zero tolerance for porn.

She packed her bags and was ready to throw in the towel.

I suggested Sex Addicts anonymous (SA) because of the success my FWH had with attending AA.

I do believe that many of the WS have addictive personalities and the infidelity is yet another way that they act out (not an excuse mind you but an explanation).

She demanded he go to SA.

Both she and her FWH were a bit nervous about it.
They had imagined meetings with some very creepy guys etc.

Guess what?

It turned out that the meeting was filled with men just like him.
Married, single, struggling with porn, the aftermath of infidelity etc.

She has told me that his going to SA saved their marriage.

He attends meetings every week and he is now the facilitator (leader).

She feels much safer now because she knows that he is working on his issues every week in this group.

He is more open and communicative etc.

I know that you are still in a state of shock after finding all of this and it may be too soon for you to consider anything other than S/D and in the end that may be the right thing for you but I just wanted to throw out this suggestion.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3163 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
stunnedin12
Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Oh, I'm sorry.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 458 | Registered: Jan 2013
noprincess
Member
Member # 38660
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

(((Skan)))

My hope for you is peace and strength...no matter where you land, I know it will be on two strong feet. I'm so sorry you're going through this, Skan. I'm so sorry for your hurt. There is no pain like DDay#1...until DDay#2, I understand too well. (((Skan)))


"Never, never, never give up." - Winston Churchill

Posts: 138 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

(((Skan)))

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this crazy making stuff. How men can put so much importance on a picture is beyond me. After all, it's a stupid porn picture, not the real thing. Not something to love, talk to, or build a future with. However it did sound like he was planning on growing old with them. How absolutely pathetic can you get???


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Thank you all. Last night was rough and I had no internet as the hotel router went down.

I had a very painful conversation via phone with WH at 4am. He simply cannot tell me why this is so much more important to him. I cried in bed for two hours after that call, alone in a hotel room, stuffing a hotel towel in my teeth so I didn''t wake up any of the adjacent rooms. I got to work, and decided Fuck It, and put in a text to WHs oldest sister, who he looks up to. She''s the only one from his family that knows, unofficially, that he had an A. She came out here and spent the weekend with us not too long ago, and I purposefully went up to bed early so they could talk.

God Bless Her. She''s an internationally-known health expert, with an RN, that was getting ready to climb on a plane to Japan to go onto Singapour to give a presentation. She called me about 3 seconds after I hit send, and talked me off of a ledge. We''re both in agreement that he is addicted and is showing very strong addiction behaviors. She was able to tell me that when they talked at our house, most of the talk was about how much he adored me, how afraid he was of losing me, and what I meant to him. It sort of dovetailed into the 4am conversation where I asked him how someone who had, after being kicked out of our bed, who then slept outside the door to listen in case my night terrors came back so he could come in and comfort me, could show me such a calculated lack of respect and honor.

No, I''m not flying back into his arms saying all is forgiven. Ah HAIL no! But I am going forward from this point on as if he is an addict. He weaned himself off of all of his internet pornography. I have the monitoring proof of that. He purged the house of everything but this one box. That''s a good step. He lied, purposefully and knowing what it would do to me. That''s DDay #2. Now, I guess, it''s time to have a talk about addiction and see where that goes. I can still walk. I have all the preparation for a single life and I can do that. Knowing that, I can afford the time to give myself time to see what the next week or two brings. I can pull the trigger, no doubt. My boots are still shiny and tall. But now I think that it''s time we had a long series of talks. And I need to see what his actions are going to be.

It''s a stronger today than it was a few hours ago. Wonder where it will lead?


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4804 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

You are amazing.

Seriously.

You're my hero.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7419 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Skan

Truly sorry that you find yourself here again.

I know from your posts that you are a strong and capable woman.

Take each step and day at a time.

Your husband has to take control over his behavior and stop trying to justify it. If he is a SA then he has to want to stop. Your healing and security has to come before his addiction. I hope he can do this because you sound like a truly amazing woman.

Good luck and know that we are all here rooting for you. You have helped us all and now we are here to support you right back.

Keep your head up, boots on and keep moving.

(((hugs and prayers)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1143 | Registered: Apr 2013
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

UPDATE:

Looks like I''m going home tonight. I skyped, asking if it was safe (ie, the porn was out of the house) to come home tonight or if I should continue my plan on staying elsewhere tonight. I got a skype back saying that physically, the house was safe but mentally probably not. The note was:

WH: I have staged some things, but ran out of time. I was planning on loading the truck tonight and going to the dump on my way to work. The stories are not shredded yet, etc.

Me: If you are promising that the items will be out of the house tomorrow, I would like to come home tonight. I can give you provacy when you''re doing the shredding. If you want completely privacy, then let me know because Ido have a place arrange to stay at.

WH: It will be gone tomorrrow morning. I was looking at things as I pakced so some are still alying out. If you are coming home, I would like until 8pm to get things into the garage and truck (I will shred in the garage).

I have to say, I''m taken aback. I figured that he would get a storage unit. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought that he would actually shred and dump. Of course, it hasn''t happened yet, but I will have a receipt from the dump as one check, and a bag full of shred as another. And I will be searching the house again.

It''s a positive sign. We need to talk and while we won''t have much time tonight, at least we can talk a little bit. I see my IC tomorrow, hopefully he''s talked to WHs IC by now, and hopefully we might have a bit more insight. One of the things that I intend to ask my IC and then his, when I meet with him, is if they think that he is a SA.

But for now, my spirit is about a gram lighter. Not much, but enough to dry the tears.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4804 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

((((Skan))))

Stay strong sweetie.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Topic Posts: 45