User Topic: Control freak?
New Member
Member # 28522
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

WW started coming home late from work. She's usually home by 6-8pm but had not returned home by 11:30. I called/texted her cell - no answer. I called work - they she left. When she came home, she said I never cared before and that she'd gone shopping. WW says I'm a control freak for calling her work - I say no, it's common courtesy to call and say you're going to be late - she said I never did that when I came home late (years ago) - Now I do want to know where she's at all the time? Is that controlling or normal given that she's cheated?

BH: 46
WW: 42
DD: 19
DS: 15&13
DDay: 2/27/09
Together for 22 years
Retrouvaille: 4/09
R - In Limbo

Posts: 7 | Registered: May 2010 | From: NorCal
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Whoa. Whoa. Wait a minute. Not at all. If she cheated, she should be "ASKING" YOU for permission if she could go out shopping.

You need complete accountability and complete transparency if you're trying to R.

Sorry dude, that's not right. Not by a long shot. Don't let her manipulate you. Stand your ground. Explain why you need to know- BECAUSE YOU WILL THINK SHE"S WITH AP, that's why. Tell her straight out, Don't hide you feelings, it will make you feel worse. Hold her accountable.

I did the same, I continued to let my FWH work at the bar where he met many OW. Every time he went to work, I'd die inside. OR, if I didn't know where he was. Don't let that happen to you. It will kill you a little bit more each time.

Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
New Member
Member # 39364
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

I think it is definitely fine that you were worried and called. She's being passive aggressive. Anyone would be worried with a change in behavior like that - I would think. That's not controlling, it's logical.


Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2013 | From: atlanta
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

she should be "ASKING" YOU for permission if she could go out shopping.

Yep ^this

It is a consequence of her A. If she doesn't like it. Tell her too damn bad, you wouldn't feel this way had she not cheated.

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Also, stores are closed well before 11:30pm. This is from a Northern Californian who knows the finer points of shopping before dropping.

I call bullshit. She's just mad at you because she is being called out on screwing around.

Sorry Pax.

Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17806 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 36401
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Yes you never cared years ago...BEFORE you found out she was cheating. Now is different.

You NEED to be able to get ahold of her. And why is it a big deal? If she isn't doing anything wrong, she should have no problem with you checking up on her, after all....she was JUST shopping? Did she had shopping bags with her? What did she buy? What stores did she go to?

Sorry. I too call bull shit.

Posts: 282 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 38674
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

your in the right shes in the wrong

me 33
him 32
6 wonderful kids 12 yrs 8 yrs 5 yrs 4 yrs and 2 yrs ..and new baby
married 10 years together for 12 yrs
working on R

my give a damn is busted

Posts: 225 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: cold ohio
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Remorseful spouses do not mind when you check up on them. Remorseful spouses try to not do things that cause triggers or look bad and when/if they fuck up they feel awful, apologize and work to make sure it does not happen again. Remoureseful spouses in R do not go out after work until 11:30 PM without calling to notify/ask and they sure as hell answer all calls and texts from the BS. Unless she was in the ER sedated or unconcious...there is no excuse for what she did.

The second a former WS starts with the "control freak", caged" "trapped", "babysat" or "leashed" or any other of that type of verbiage that translates to "I don't want you to know what I am doing because I am up to no good or want to be".

That should not be acceptable in R.

FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)

Posts: 532 | Registered: Apr 2009
Member # 38288
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Affair or no affair. It's common curtsy to call when late. I agree to the other post, what store stay's open till 11:30?

BW 55, WH 64
2 years of prostitutes.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: California
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

I have to agree with the rest of the posters. It is perfectly reasonable that you called her work. Any concerned, caring spouse would do so.

Did she come home with a lot of packages?

11:30 pm is unreasonable when she usually gets home at 6 or 8. And 6 OR 8 is a lot of leeway time.

The fact that she didn't answer your calls or texts tells you she was up to no good. I'm sorry.

Show me a person who pulls the "You're a control freak" card falsely, and I'll show you a person who has no self-control.

Me-50 BW

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M

Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 10