SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Do I send an email or no?
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

I joined a sports team with my company. We play other companies in the same field.

The tournament, and there's only one tournament, is this Saturday.

My WW is coming to watch. We found out yesterday that the OM is playing for his company's team.

Do I send him an email and ask him to respectfully stay away or is that going to just make things worse? I'd hate to see him on the playing field.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
The hard part: They still work together.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

I am so sorry you are struggling with this FSM. If I understand, you play for your team and the OM plays for his team and your WW will be watching you play against each other? And she belongs to the company that the OM is playing on? You should never have been put in this position. Is there NC between your wife and the OM? Is there anyone else who knows the story who could intervene so it wouldn't have to be you? I just don't see him not showing up for his team though.
Dream job or not, your wife should be willing and offering to get another job IMHO and start working on a dream marriage and not putting you in this position.
(((FSM)))


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2013 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 440 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Midwest
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

NC, including for you, is a better idea.

I''m sorry you''re in this situation. What is your plan for dealing with the triggers and uncomfortable feelings together as a husband-and-wife team? Your energies are better spent getting through this together.

He could have been anyone.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
still-living
Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

You are early in your recovery and emotions are still raw. I would insist the my wife not attend, and I would seriously consider not attending myself.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14

My dog farted, startled himself, wondered where the noise came from. I wish my life was as simple.


Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

At about 7 months in I contacted the OM and asked him to stay away from a certain event so my fWS could attend comfortably. He was not remorseful at all and was actually confrontational. Nothing good was accomplished and I hated myself for trying to bargain with him. We have chosen to avoid any event with possible interaction with him since. It is not fair but it is the healthiest option because we can only control our part.
I am sorry you are in this position .


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2426 | Registered: Aug 2012
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Personally? I would play. I would have FWH attend as planned. And I wouldn't even give OM (in our case OW) a second thought. BUT that took awhile to get to the point I could do that. I was not, and will not, let some whore dictate where I can go, what I do and whether or not I attend certain functions.

I agree that NC is the best way to go. You could easily call him and ask him not to go and then he'll still go, and make a big deal out of everything- making things even worse. You can't control his actions, only yours.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1957 | Registered: Sep 2011
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

I'm going to attend. I hate the idea of losing even more of my life to the a--hole.

I suspect that if he received an email from me he would either ignore it or be confrontational.

Would it also not make him feel uncomfortable? He needs to remember that now that I know he exists, if he wants to take anything else away from me he'll have to do it to my face.

He's a coward, so he might back down and not attend, no?

WW has work-related contact with him still. Over email only and as part of email groups, not one-to-one, I'm told. They work on the same floor.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
The hard part: They still work together.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
losingmyground
Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

DO NOT send him a message. If it is that big of a deal to you, then you should bow out.

If you chose to go....then be respectful and hold your head high. I would also make a big deal of PDAs with your wife.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

FSM you are very strong.
In this situation, if the a-hole has no remorse and doesn't stay away himself, I would be more comfortable with my WS not in the stands watching. You want to go and be there for yourself and your team, and ideally you would want her there, but for me I could not endure both you having to see him and the knowledge that she is in the stands seeing him and him seeing her in the stands. So I would have her stay away from game and maybe join you in any after parties. I would more want the NC enforced between them that you are right only you and she can enforce than have her be at a function that he is at. Sorry you have to endure this situation.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2013 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 440 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Midwest
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Here's how it went.

I did not send an email asking the OM to stay away. Our teams were in different brackets and played on different fields.

It rained all day and a lot of games were cancelled.

We did not play each other. I never saw him. His other teammates, who are also work colleagues of my WW came over to say 'hi' to the two of us. They don't know.

In the end, nothing was done and nothing happened. Best outcome under the circumstances.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
The hard part: They still work together.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 5:11 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Feelingsomuch and Mainlyinpain,

Please follow the guidelines of the Reconciliation forum.

There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.

Thank you.


Posts: 10001 | Registered: May 2002
Topic Posts: 11