This NC he is doing is a bitch! Should it not be me who did it to him? Yes, it is a blessing but it is bugging the shit out of me. I don't know why it is bothering me so much? Maybe because I know I truly didn't do anything to him. I am still civil when it is about the kids and nice and try to stay clam when he sends me little crumbs of messages or cusses at me.
It is like I am the one that did all this shit and I am being punished. WHY IS THIS BOTHERING ME SO BAD?
I do think it is because... Wait for it... I am not in control of it! There I said it. Because I can not control him to be civil or nice to me. I can't control he doesn't want to be remorseful, because I can't understand why he doesn't want me. Why he could do this to me. Yes, I know I am or did allow this to be done to me and let it get under my skin but now I am trying to figure out why the hell it is bugging me so bad?
Does anyone have a answer?
I keep picking about the 19 years we were together and do not like what I am seeing or starting to understand. I get so angry at myself and at him how I was treated.
To me love should be easy and respect for a love one should be given. I don't think I really got those things unless he wanted to give it to me on his time.
This has been a messed up relationship for along time and I was willing to do anything to work to make it better. HELLO... why was I the only one that was willing to put a 100% into this and go above and beyound.
I don't wish him harm or bad will. But, I do wish that one day he will see what he had and feel like a fool for letting it go when all he had to do was do the real work to better himself as a partner.
I am rambling but I am so PISSED! Do you know I can't even cry anymore? I just can't. I cry over being broke, living paycheck to paycheck and get stress out about all the shit I have taken on because of his choices. But, I have not cried over him in so long. I mean really cried. I just sit and star off into space thinking.. thinking of everything. I read alot of slef help books and see the.. Oh Shit that is me... or oh shit that was us...
Being slapped in the face with reality is hard. Maybe I was living in a toxic bubble...that became a safe place in my head because it was comfortable to me. Maybe I was ADDICITED to the drama, got use to it, and when the drama is gone I don't know what to do? Maybe I can't comperhened rejection and know when to give up.
I am just as broken as he is but in different ways. My heart aches because it is broken, My head hurts because I am spinning my wheels for some sort of closure, and the broken part of me still wants my wh.
Those broken parts are starting to come back togeher like a puzzle that has missing part that were lost. And now I am trying to find where they need to be put back in the puzzle to make it whole again.
Just wish it would speed up.
Thanks for listening to my vent.