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User Topic: I'm sitting here in a coffee shop...
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

...trying to get some work done.

There's another woman also trying to get some work done. Three times now, when I've looked up, she was glancing at me, which of course could mean absolutely nothing.

I'm frozen, people. Do I go for it? What the hell do I say?

I've never approached a woman IRL before.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Hope you are still in there.

Say, Good morning, you having any luck getting your work done? If she responds then go with it and say me neither or me too and say you need a break and make a comment about the weather or your drink and see if she responds. If she does go with it. Obviously insert some other topic of discussion if it is better for the situation but the main thing is get up and say something. Even if she isn't interested use it as a learning experience for the next time.

There is no fear, no rejection, just learning for next time.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1905 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Later
Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Yes, just go and be nice to her. Don't worry about the outcome.

In fact, it might help to think of this as "practice" for the next time. Take the pressure off of yourself.

And, I suggest that you make it a practice to engage all sorts of people that you meet. It will help you overcome anxiety about approaching women.

ETA: I see 7years got his post in before I did, basically same advice.

[This message edited by Later at 8:59 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]


Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

check first for a wedding ring.

And then, go with it.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7697 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Next time you go for a refill on coffee, ask if you can get her one too!

(If you need the words: "Could you keep an eye on my stuff for a minute? I'm going to grab a refill." then she'll agree, and you can say, "Thanks - can I get you something while I'm up?")

[This message edited by Amazonia at 8:58 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13756 | Registered: Jul 2011
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

She just packed up and left.

I was too much of a chicken shit. Couldn't muster the nerve.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Later
Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

That's okay. Don't kick yourself over it -- just recognize that you need to work on.

Like I said above, start interacting with people with whom you have no interest -- that way, when you do see a woman you are interested in, meeting her is not that much different than what you do all the time.


Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
Spirit13
Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Well, there's always "missed connections" in Craigslist!


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

So I'm a WiFi bum here in town on days that I work remotely. Now I'm at the town library, and gulp, she's here too! No free seats anywhere near her. She's deep in her work., so to approach her would be pretty damned bold.

Gah.

Well, one thing's apparent. My desire to date again is waking up.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Oh you HAVE to say something to her, Once.

Just a smile and a "I see you are a 'wi-fi' bum too!"

What do you have to lose?

If she is married, she will say something like, "Yeah, my husband is hogging it at home..." so that if there is no ring she is sending the message.

Just try...be yourself...we are routing you on!


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4157 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
brokenfinger
New Member
Member # 39586
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Go for it!!!

I would totally respond to a guy who approached me like that.


There is no stronger message, then dirt in your face.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Dude! I don't know if you're both still there but say something! Even a cheesy "We have to stop meeting like this" would work.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15403 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Sending icebreaker mojo your way!


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4658 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Tell her your homeless and ask for some spare change...worst case you may make some money.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 572 | Registered: Jun 2011
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

So I was in the library for about 15 minutes before my daughter met me after school (a half day). Didn't muster up the nerve in that time.

My daughter and I had lunch, then I left her at the apartment and went back to the library to wait for my younger one to get out of school.

I strode into the area where she had been working, with a line at the ready, but she wasn't there.

At the coffee shop, she was on the other side of the lounge and there was another single woman sitting at a table adjacent to her. Besides being nervous as shit, I really didn't want to give this other woman a chopped liver feeling while I flirted with the woman next to her.

When I first entered the library, I went into the area where she was, saw that there were no seats, so sat far away at the other end. To then come back and make a move would have been incredibly deliberate and ballsy; there was no other "excuse" for me to reenter that area.

Boo. Well, if there's a next time maybe I won't be so afraid of the water.

Sorry to disappoint, guys. You can put the popcorn away


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

1. Unless the second woman was also making eyes at you, no reason to worry about offending her. Not everyone at the coffee shop is looking to go home wtih someone. No more excuses of that nature.

2. It wouldn't have been unreasonably ballsy to go back to where she was. The very reason would have been to say hi to her. I know that feels really forward and foreign, but she was sending you signals that she was interested. It's okay to accept, acknowledge, and follow up on those.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13756 | Registered: Jul 2011
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

she was sending you signals that she was interested

Not so sure. Maybe. Do brief glances my way necessarily mean interest? I hope so, because otherwise I haven't a clue.

Maybe I'll see her around town again... I have a feeling I'm going to be having lots of lattes over the next few days.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Do brief glances my way necessarily mean interest?

You caught her looking your way 3 times. I'm not going to continue looking at someone at a coffee shop if I'm not interested in something about him. Especially not after he sees me looking his way!

I hope you see her again soon and say something to her!!

What would you say to her in a message if you came across her profile online?


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4185 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
clralb
Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Tell her your homeless and ask for some spare change...worst case you may make some money.


Great line! Either she laughs or reaches for her purse. Go for it next time!


"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear."
Buddha

Posts: 681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

To then come back and make a move would have been incredibly deliberate and ballsy; there was no other "excuse" for me to reenter that area.

There's nothing wrong with deliberate. Clear interest will get you more feedback than a casual conversation in close proximity where she might just think you are enthusiastic about your ice breaker.


Posts: 3399 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Eh, I'm none too pleased with myself. I get a signal that I actually notice, and I sit on my hands.

Hear me now, believe me later: if this ever happens again, I will act. Might have just missed my "once in a lifetime."

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 1:14 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

We aren't reprimanding you, OIAL. We are trying to help you see yourself as someone who is able to approach women with confidence and say "hi".


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13756 | Registered: Jul 2011
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Hey! Celebrate the signal and let go of the "failure to act."


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5842 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

I'm always flattered if someone approaches me...even if I have no interest, I'm still flattered. Seriously, even if I say "no thanks" it makes my day!
Do not worry about offending her...or the next woman...or the one after that...


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

You noticed the signal! That's progress, OIAL.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25532 | Registered: Aug 2011
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

I'm always flattered if someone approaches me...even if I have no interest, I'm still flattered

This is where I have to suspend my disbelief. Guess I've seen too many movie scenes with annoyed rejections, or read too many posts here about unwanted advances (admittedly, I wouldn't have walked up to her and asked to exchange pics of our junk).

We are trying to help you see yourself as someone who is able to approach women with confidence and say "hi"

I totally get that. That's why, like the ultimate wus, I was posting on SI instead of actually talking to her. Trying to get up the nerve.

I admire the men who have no fear, who can just approach women they never met and start making conversation. Here's how it would have gone with me:

"Hey, I see you're a WiFi bum like me."

"Oh, yeah, I like to get out of the house."

"Yeah, me too... Ok, bye."


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

"Hey, I see you're a WiFi bum like me."

"Oh, yeah, I like to get out of the house."

"Yeah, me too... Ok, bye."

Next line: "What are you working on?"

I admire the men who have no fear, who can just approach women they never met and start making conversation.
1)everybody has fear even pretty women, even confident men 2)women like humble men too


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
soulsearcher4
Member
Member # 29540
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

"Hey, I see you're a WiFi bum like me."

"Oh, yeah, I like to get out of the house."

"Yeah, me too... Ok, bye."

This is not a bad thing!!

If this is the extent of the conversation, then you know she's not interested. And then YOU know that you took a shot and can hold your head high that you took a shot, AND you know that she is, in fact, not interest. No sweat off your back and you can move on.

It is not easy to approach a complete stranger and start a conversation. If she's at all interested, she will ask you a question. And then you can go from there.

If you're really stuck for conversational pieces, talk about your kids and what they're doing. (Most) Women love kids.

If you get the "Oh, that's nice. Are you married?" response, then you know you're in!


Me: BS
Her: WS

Divorced.

Remarried to a supremely wonderful person!


Posts: 172 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: So.Cal.
MyVoice
Member
Member # 35695
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

I agree I'm flattered if someone approaches me, as long as they don't try and lick my ear or whisper words of seduction

Maybe try and think of women you want to approach as people you'd like to meet, rather than females you want to hook up with. You know how they say imagine people without clothes on to feel more confident? Perhaps imagine women as just people not the opposite sex... does that even make sense

I read on another forum men were saying to talk to women in general for practice. Like at the supermarket if you are both looking at apples comment on the price or quality, doesn't have to be a woman you find attractive just get used to talking to strangers who are female.

I'd say if you approach a lady omit the word 'bum' from your opening line....

Once you get going you are going to have a lot of fun,I chat to people all the time makes for a life so much connected, it's a good habit to get into.


Me:BW 46, Him:WH 50
two kids DD14 and DS17
Married 26 years
OW 28, crew member (he was the ships captain)
"People are formed by their actions, not their ideals" unknown

Posts: 471 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Australia
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

This is where I have to suspend my disbelief. Guess I''ve seen too many movie scenes with annoyed rejections, or read too many posts here about unwanted advances (admittedly, I wouldn''t have walked up to her and asked to exchange pics of our junk).

What you read about/seen is annoyance that comes when a woman refuses politely and the guy keeps on going. You get that right? When women complain about guys hitting on them, they are talking about the guys who keep going even though you''ve nicely/politely said "no". I''m never rude when a guy approaches me/flirts with me initially. But when I decline, indicate I want my private space back and he keeps trying? Then you get the annoyance and rudeness.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3107 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

cayc is right.

Hitting on me is OK...it IS flattering, even if it is from someone you have no interest in. But, you need to stop at the first "no".

Also...don't follow me around in Lowes. I had a guy do that, really creepy. Leering. I usually have a ring on one of my fingers, and I will flip it over and move it to my left hand ring finger so guys think it is a wedding band... if I'm getting bad vibes.

If I'm not interested in a man, I usually simply say, "Thanks...but I have a boyfriend..."

If she glanced at you several times, she is either interested in you, OR trying to place you. I will look at a man a few times if I'm trying to place where I know him from. Either case...she noticed you!

Did you go look at missed connections on Craigslist just in case? Or would you post there? I have heard that occasionally works....


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4157 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Never heard of "missed connections." Just took a look, and the first thing I saw was "To the guy pissing outside of his van..."

I couldn't resist, so clicked the link. She was impressed at what a bold move that was.

Man, I've been going about this all wrong, haven't I?

MyVoice, I really like the advice about treating the encounter as with someone I want to meet, rather than hook up with. Takes the pressure off. Actually, that's the way I've treated first dates with OLD, and they've gone well (it's the latter dates where I lose 'em).

Also, good to know that women aren't generally put off by advances from strange men. I think if I actually ever got up the courage to make such an advance, it would be hugely beneficial to my psyche, even if she tells me to get lost.

You womenz understand how difficult it is to approach a total stranger, don't you? We guys really have to suck it up.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

I can't believe you passed up the chance to use, "Fancy meeting you here!"


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20229 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

I can't believe you passed up the chance to use, "Fancy meeting you here!"

Them's stalker words.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

I agree with the idea that you practice on strangers in general. Take the pressure off and get comfortable with starting conversations with the available context.

I saw a woman staring at me in the parking lot of the local market. Since I teach and meet parents, other educators, and live in a fairly small community, I don't know if it is trying to place HOW they might know me or what. So I gave a friendly "hi how are you?" and a warm smile. What I got back was an apology for staring but an enthusiastic compliment about how pretty my hair was and the assurance that it was not intended rudeness. She was flustered to be caught staring, I laughed and thanked her for the compliment. We chatted going into the store and both felt "good" for the exchange.

You can do this. Start with your bank teller, the line at the grocery store. Anyone. Practice being that person everyone says "never met a stranger."


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5842 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Just to make you feel...better? Here's something that struck me as very funny tonight:

"I read somewhere that men's biggest fear is that women will laugh at them. And women's biggest fear is that men will kill them. Kind of different stakes that we're working with." Chelsea Perretti


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20229 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Oh, Sad that is soooo true! and funny!!


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5191 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, June 21st (Friday)

OIAL, please do not start pissing on vans! LOL!!!


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2594 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 21st (Friday)

I reckon you need to keep practicing the smiley, eye contact thing for a while. I suggest you do it with everyone. Get comfortable in your own skin and ease yourself into the fray.

I love having random chats with all sorts of people. I am approached a lot - not because I'm attractive (I'm kinda funny looking but I like myself a lot, inside and out) but because I'm ...approachable?

I love people watching - I find them fascinating for some reason.

This quirk means I'm terrible at eye contact. I've been practicing but it just feels weird. I'm awesome at the saucy eye contact but I've been trying to practice the non-saucy version.

Don't beat yourself up friend - practice eye contact and chit chat with everyone (men, women, young, old). It takes the pressure off. In time it will feel natural.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5581 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 21st (Friday)

First off, let me say I'm not shy...

OIAL... Do you fly for business?

If you do you're around tons of people in airports and on airplanes that are complete strangers... I love it...

From the ticket counters where I'm checking a bag to the flight attendents and people sitting next to me on the planes... I love making eye contact, saying hi and being a pleasant very small part of the strangers day...

Even a busy TSA agent is generally pleasantly surprised when I greet them with a smile and a "how's your day so far?"

If you can make a TSA agent smile and acknowledge your pleasantness anyone else is a piece of cake...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5976 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 21st (Friday)

If you can make a TSA agent smile and acknowledge your pleasantness anyone else is a piece of cake...

This is too funny. I travel a lot, although not as much as I used to, and when I'm traveling alone, my "game" is to wink at them and see if they smile. I'm pretty good at getting them to crack.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13756 | Registered: Jul 2011
turned123
Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 21st (Friday)

oial perspective can be such a funny thing! As someone who has been way up and down in the confidence area I can understand the reluctance. At times it seems like hearing 'no thank you' one more time feels like a stone too heavy to carry around BUT if you look at it a little differently maybe its just a pebble. Here is what I try to tell myself; What have I really lost here? How has this changed my life? My kids still love me. My job is awesome. My family is healthy AND they support me emmotionally. My faith is strong and I still have soo much to offer in life. So not getting that date tonight really hasnt changed my life. Just a thought. Believe in you dude!! We do!!! So next time go ask her! who cares if she is not ready for your awesomeness!!!


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, June 21st (Friday)

(admittedly, I wouldn't have walked up to her and asked to exchange pics of our junk).

But ... how do you expect to get pictures of her junk?


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 43