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User Topic: Huge fight...6 months from Dday and I am supposed to be over it.
heartbroken2012
Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

We got a fight last night...it first started as a talk, then a heated talk and then my WH yelling at me.

Basically, my WH says I should be starting to get over the affair by now, and I need to stop living in the past...he has. He says that it was JUST SEX, and he doesnt think about the OW anymore, and that he loved me during the A. He says that sometimes life throws you curveballs to test you and let you find out what type of person you are, and this was his, he said it was to test our relationship, and that he never was a cheater and it just happened, and the ONE thing he learned from all of it was that he doesnt like cheating and it is not who he wants to be, and it made him realize what he was capable of. He wants us to be able to move on and focus on US now, and not the past. He says immediately after he did think about how I must feel, and didnt need me to make him feel guilty anymore because he did it himself, but he says now he NEVER thinks of it. He said that I am making problems in our relationship now by bringing it up and taking digs at him, and that he will LEAVE ME if I continue. He says that how I am acting is effecting our family now. I told him that he never really tells me that he thinks about it must feel for me, and he said that he did, but now its been so long he doesnt feel bad anymore, and he cant be sorry and grovel forever.

He assures me it will never happen again, and that he never thinks about it, and I shouldnt think and obsess over the OW, because he is damn sure she isnt thinking about me.

I continued to tell him but I still hurt so much, and he said I shouldnt be hurting so much anymore and that I need to decide to forgive him and move on or not.

He said that he made huge sacrifices to move over to the USA for me, and while he was over visiting his dad died, and he brought up that his sister died and he doesnt think about that because living in the past is not good.

What do you think of this?


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 544 | Registered: Jan 2013
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

I think he's being incredibly insensitive to what you are going through.

Be over it in 6 months? No way. I don't even think at 6 months I really even comprehended the full extent of what my ex's infidelity did to me.

You have a lot to work through, and he also has a LOT of work to do on himself and to try and regain your trust, should you even want to regain it.

Threatening to leave you because you aren't over it? Uncalled for.

Sorry :(


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2567 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
unfound
Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

I think he doesn't get it.

life's curve balls?

testing your relationship?

it "just" happened?

made him realize what he was capable of????

he has no clue. he's not taking responsibility for his choices AND the aftermath of those choices. he doesn't get to decide how long it will take you to heal...his track record of decisions and the reasons behind them are lacking.


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14808 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

I think he needs a good swift kick halfway up his ass with one of those pointed toed cowboy boots! I don't know if this is one of the standard plays out of the manual or not but, everytime my WH gets an attitude with me all I have to do is suggest that it might be alright with me if he moves on without me. Leave my house & leave me alone. I will heal in my own time, not his!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 628 | Registered: Apr 2013
LoveActually
Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

(((hearbroken2012)))

Wow, if only it were that easy! Does your husband realize the average timeline to heal from this crap is 2 to 5 years. I'm 4+ years out and I can tell you that so far the timeline is dead on. I'm sure you would give anything to be over it by now--six months really--he needs to pull his head out of his ass. He has just brought possibly the most pain into your world that you will ever feel. His selfishness to have an affair is one thing, but to continue on with that selfishness by demanding that you hurry up and get over it is mind blowing.

Honestly, I think the two of you might benefit tremendously from some outside help through therapy. Sometimes it just takes a third party to get through to someone else--he possibly won't be as defensive. Your husband needs to hear and understand what he has done to you and what he can expect as you heal and most importantly, what he needs to GIVE YOU to heal---that's complete, unconditional love and support. Hugs to you and wishing you strength on this really really hard journey.


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 757 | Registered: Jan 2011
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

He says that sometimes life throws you curveballs to test you and let you find out what type of person you are, and this was his, he said it was to test our relationship, and that he never was a cheater and it just happened, and the ONE thing he learned from all of it was that he doesnt like cheating and it is not who he wants to be, and it made him realize what he was capable of.

No, he IS a cheater and the way he is treating you is insensitive and mean.

He isn't ready to R, he has a lot of work to do and some soul searching too.

I would be taking care of me right now, he obviously wants you to sweep this under the rug so he can move on.

Don't let him disregard your pain and feelings. This is a huge trauma and it takes a lot of time, patience and healing.

(((hugs)))

Take care of you


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3765 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

kick him in the nuts and tell him there's his curve ball.

when he's still moaning 5 mins later tell him he should be over it already.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
NikkiD
Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

LOL...."NEVER"...yeah, he does think about her or there is no need to yell, or use the term "NEVER."

My WH did the same thing to me a few days ago.....

Insenstive mudda-suckas...


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Angel177
Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

2 to 5 years. Tell him that is the minimum time it takes to process this. You will never get over it. Not totally, unfortunately that isn't possible (I wish it was possible!!) tell him that's the way it is and that this is all his fault. If he didn't want to deal with the consequences of cheating then he shouldn't have cheated...simple as that. He brought this on himself.

I'm 9 months from DDay...I'm no where close to over it...like I said I expect I never will get over it. I am still quite devastated by this on almost a daily basis so I would say being over it after 6 months is pretty impossible. Hopefully your husband was just having a bad day because if he keeps that attitude it will be very damaging to your reconciliation.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 222 | Registered: Oct 2012
Brokenpetal
New Member
Member # 39230
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Wow, me and wh just had a similar fight. I'm not quite a year our from the last dday (a went underground for a year and a half, that I know of). His words are "you'll never get over it so why try,"

I think I'm gonna start my own post on this, there's more going on with me.

I'm sorry heart, don't let him rush you. Hugs for your pain, I know it all too well....


Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

What do you think of this?

I think your WH doesn't get it and wants to rugsweep all of this away never to be spoken of again and hopes you will do the same. I can tell you from experience that doesn't work. If he hasn't done the work on himself then no amount of promises he makes will keep him from straying again at some point in teh future. Ignoring the issues doesn't fix them.

I think you should go see a L, hand him D papers, and tell him you in fact did follow his advice and got over it so you can move on with your own healing.

Just my 2 cents because if at 6 months out he is already pulling this crap then you have a very long road ahead of you that many of us have been down before. You have to choose your own path but you can't change an unremorseful WS. They have to change themselves and from you post he doesn't even seem to know where to start. He is already trying to manipulate you into lettting him do things his way again by threatening to leave. Call his bluff and file, if he wants to go let him go.

((((hearbroken2012))))

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:27 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1812 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

I'm less than 2 months out from d day and wh has taken the same attitude. At 2 months I'm supposed to put it behind us and be healed. They really don't get it.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2013
stunnedin12
Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

kick him in the nuts and tell him there's his curve ball.
when he's still moaning 5 mins later tell him he should be over it already.

This!!


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 428 | Registered: Jan 2013
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Well, he is not unusual in that a cheater HATES to be reminded of an affair. They just want to move along and not think about what a shit they are capable of being.
They just do not get the level of pain that a betrayal causes. If he is threatening you with leaving if you "don't get over it", I would call his bluff.
Go see an attorney and let him know you did. Tell him that divorce is the last thing that you want, but that until you can trust him again, and are able to think about his betrayal without vomiting and wanting to die, then maybe that is the best way to go.

Don't know if you are in counseling,but you both need to be. Insist on that for sure, whether he likes it or not.
Then start a 180. Hardest thing in the world to do when you love someone, but you will never get past this if it is not dealt with properly. So, so, sorry. I know how bad it hurts. Hugs, K


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1276 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Phoenix519
Member
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

heartbroken..I could have written your post word for word six months out. My FWH said the identical things yours has said, including... How much longer are we going to have to go through this? It's over and done and I just want to move on with my life.

What I learned and want to share with you is this...

HE (your WH)is still putting his selfish feelings before yours. He has regret but not remorse. He regrets all he's done because of how it's affecting HIM now, not remorse for the pain your going through. HE'S STILL SELFISH. Tell him that or have him read my post.

I told my husband.. You're an idiot. If you were a smart man you would realize that the depth and severity of my suffering as a CLEAR indication for the love and devotion I feel for you. If I didn't care I would be over it and done with you by now. But I'm here, facing every day knowing seeing you is a reminder of the deliberate choice you made to hurt me. It's not just about you, I took vows and we became one. You did this to US, and until I'm healed you're not healed.

Don't worry about his timeline. I am four years out from Dday and I know this will sound discouraging but it has taken me a very long time to heal from this and you can't even begin until he quits trying to push you into recovery. You will know, your body will know. He needs to just shut up and do nothing but research what real remorse is and apologize as many times as it takes. My husband STILL apologizes, four years out.

The thing they don't get is that I'm sure there are times you look in a mirror and are shocked not to see bruises, cuts and burns...because it feels the same as if we've been beaten within an inch of our lives and set on fire then left for dead by the side of the road.

His betrayal has changed you forever and it's something you will NEVER get over. You will learn to cope, if he does his work like my husband eventually did, then the love will come back and you can and will be happy.

But that will never happen until he gives up his need to control the situation because your pain makes him feel "guilty". Fuck that. He needs to grow a pair and step up and you can tell him Phoenix said so.

Be the man Mr. Heartbroken. Be the man that heals your lovely wife instead of tearing her down even more.

PS...My husband would blow up an leave the house and once stayed at work overnight in an attempt to "scare" me into getting over it. I handed him a box of hefty bags and said..if you ever leave this house mad over this situation again, pack all your shit in these and take them with you and don't come back. I wasn't joking either. Once after that he sat in his car in the driveway but he began to stick it out and talk to me and he could see how much more that helped instead of running away scared. That helped him to earn his respect back on tiny bit at at time. It's a long process, there's just no way around it. You gotta go through.

Take care of yourself sweetie. Post here, we are all here for you.

[This message edited by Phoenix519 at 4:23 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]


Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

He said that I am making problems in our relationship now by bringing it up and taking digs at him, and that he will LEAVE ME if I continue.

The last time my WH said that I should be over it, that it was pushing him away and he might leave me...

My answer, "Go on ahead if that is how you feel, no one is keeping you here."

Now WH will say, "I guess this is where we are at?"

Yep sure is. We heal on our own time, in our own way and if they cannot be there for us after having damaged us, well my view is they can take a hike!

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:34 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Why do you keep letting this dude yell at you? What a douche. He's a major loser. You're supposed to be over it? He yells at you? Jackass.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Oh, that's HIM as the jackass. Not you sweetie.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
nofool4u
Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

I continued to tell him but I still hurt so much, and he said I shouldnt be hurting so much anymore and that I need to decide to forgive him and move on or not.

You need to tell him 6 months aint s**t and you'll be over it on YOUR time, not his.

He doesn't get to do this to you and expect to not feel the effects in a short amount of time.


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 4:56 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

He is projecting and trying to minimize what he did. This is about his ego and the fact he does not want to be reminded that he was an asshole, lying, cheating SOB.

I am assuming he has not been in IC to figure out WHY he chose to cheat? Doesn't sound like he's big on self reflection or ownership of the hurt he's inflicted upon you.

He is not remorseful. He's regretful - very different.

Remorse is doing everything and anything to make you feel safe and secure again. It is understanding their is no timeline to healing. It's talking, understanding, reassuring over and over again.

You can't not get over this - you get through it but how depends on his love and support and it takes a hell of a lot longer than 6 months.

Print out articles from the healing library for him to read. Until he understands and embraces his role in your healing you will be stuck.

I am sorry he's behaving this way.

Look up the 180 and take some power back. If he threatens to leave again tell him " if that's what you choose to do" - do not let him threaten you with this.

You deserve better.

(((Hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1099 | Registered: Apr 2013
StixNstones
Member
Member # 37458
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Bravooo Pheonix!

Well put...brought tears to my eyes!


BS (Me): 37
WH: 40

Dday: March 2011 (found out EA Phone records)
2nd Dday: June 18, 2011 (OW told me about WH secret phone)
3rd Dday: December 13, 2012 (found evidence WH stalking Ow on FB)
4th Dday: February 4, 2013 (confession of 2nd secret


Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: East Coast
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Fuck that! He obviously is not in IC, tell him he needs to go into IC and you need to go into MC together. If he's not willing to do that then tell him you want a divorce. My IC says a test she gives cheaters is asking them to read "Not Just Friends" and/or "After the Affair". She said when a person won't read a simple book to help heal their marriage then it's pretty much doomed.

And I also like the curve ball to the nuts idea :)

I'm almost six months out too by the way, and uh no, I'm nowhere close to being over it and my WH is totally remorseful, transparent, in IC and MC, and says he's sorry every day. Yet I still find my hands shaking. I still find it's 5:00 pm and oops, I haven't eaten anything - and I'm on meds now. I don't feel like ME. It's like all of the things I used to be and do are hard. I have always LOVED cooking. I find it hard to even make a sandwich. Our worlds were blown up and we're trying to figure it all out. There is no road map for recovering from someone blowing up your life. Just remember, you are not alone. We are all here in the same hellish boat. So draw the line in the sand now!
Hugs to you...


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

He's told you what he thinks.

The 2-5 years and curveball, while valid is pretty irrelevant.

You know what a blow you were dealt. You know the pain you feel. Any time you have to discuss, question, share how you're feeling is generating further destruction from his response to his devastating choices.

You have the information of exactly what the reality of your situation is. Now you need to decide if that's something you can live with.

What do you need to heal and is he able and willing to do the work to help with that process?

Based on what you posted I'd guess not. You don't have to incur any further new hurts.

Focus inward on protecting yourself and nurturing yourself until you have a clear idea how you want to go forward. Factor him completely out of that process as he's not willing to be a healthy contributor in it.

Detach. Focus on your healing. Be good to you. He's not qualified for the job of partner...not with your healing, not as your husband, not as a remorseful person.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Your WH's threat to leave if you don't get over the A is a control technique. He is using your fear of him leaving to shut down your emotions. I should know. My WH used that on me constantly.

But after 27 years of it, at about 5 weeks post Dday he made the mistake of yelling at me "you should have been over it last week". I snapped.

I escalated (one of his favorite tools) and started screaming (louder than him) as viciously as I could "GET OUT. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW. I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK AT YOU". He freaked. I just kept at it like a broken record and pointed at the door.

Needless to say he refused to leave AND never again used the threat of leaving on me. Why? Because he knew I was no longer afraid of losing him. I didn't care and that scared HIM.

You need to do a few things:

Stop being afraid of losing him.

Call his bluff.

Recognize that he is bullying you in order to control you and prevent you from expressing emotions.

Start telling him which bullying techniques he is using at the moment he uses them and how you will not tolerate be bullied.

Learn to use the broken record technique and stop getting sucked in to defending yourself or defending your emotions.

These are really good skills for you to practice. You need to establish healthy boundaries and not allow anyone, not this WH or any future SO, to treat you this way.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
heartbroken2012
Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, June 21st (Friday)

These are all really good bits of advice. I am still so confused how I feel, and Phoenix thank you - that was really lovely!

He isnt in IC, and we are not in MC...he wont agree to either. I was going but stopped for costs. He wont read any books, and doesnt like the idea of me getting answers about the A online...so he doesnt know about this site (it helps me a LOT). I am reading After the Affair and going to get Not just friends.

He has changed in that he will help around the house, and is more involved in the cleaning and taking care of the kids. And he is MOST of the time loving to me, as long as the A isnt brought up.

I am so confused. I hate that I have to go to work at the same place this happened and that the OW is. And every time I look at him and the OW (when I see her) I am reminded of how he temporarily left me and went for someone else.

I just dont understand how someone can cheat on another person.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 544 | Registered: Jan 2013
brokenandconfuse
Member
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, June 21st (Friday)

My H has been the same way. After we separated 8 months out..he "started" reading one of the books. He told me to "suck it up" and that I had been angry long enough...blah blah blah.

So sorry that you are going through this.


2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced


Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, June 21st (Friday)

What he is doing is all surface bullshit. He's not trying to figure out why he did this at all.

He is handing you a beautifully wrapped package..and inside is full of smelly,nasty shit.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7116 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Nailinmyforehead
Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, June 21st (Friday)

Wow. Just read your op, and I have never read of someone so selfish. I hope your spouse knows, and I remind my FWW of this- "Do you think I want to be unhappy? Sad? No one would choose to be these things". I'm sorry you are going through this.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
IMETC72012
New Member
Member # 39600
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 21st (Friday)

All these posts have hit home-I too am on this site without him knowing. I tried to explain to him just yesterday that his going away for a conference (on his birthday) and then not calling me one morning (because he ran late-but I found on his laptop that he was on Steelers/Yankees sites @7:30am-but I have not confronted him with that knowledge...yet)So I tried to tell him and I got the hands on his head, eyes closed stands...so I said to him - you can't be mad at me for telling you to which he replied I'm not mad I'm just hungry-funny but he ate about 2 hours prior to this and I hadn't eat all day. I just can see in him that he too thinks I should be "over it". DDay-1yr will be next month except that as of Dec of 2012 he was still on FB and as of Mar2013 he was still in contact with the "friend" they were mobbies on Mobwars with- I feel that because I am afraid of the "fight" that to be honest-he really does not want to have with me-when I get mad my Jersey Girl comes out and I would be able to chew him up and spit him out. I am not afraid of the leaving part-because he told me last year to get out of his house-this time if he uttered those words to me again I will simple say to him no I don't think I will be the one leaving....cause when I am done with you you won't have a pot to pee in!!! Sorry-vented.. but I have to say I too like the kick him in the nuts and tell him to get over that

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Arizona
Topic Posts: 29