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Reconciliation
User Topic: angry phase i guess
huRtZ413
Member
Member # 39214
Angry  Posted: 5:54 AM, June 21st (Friday)

so i really been on a roll and probably almost got my WH blown up at work.
Ive been sending very hateful txt throughout the day everyday i cant seem to hold it in .

so today he seems really quiet i come to him ask "whats up' he tells me" well im just going with the tone you set your happy im happy your upset im upset" .

i told him "if im upset you made me that way you cant expect me to be happy and kiss all over you after what you did to me"

he goes on to say " i understand that believe me thats not what i expect , but you cant stomp on me all day then act as you did nothing" "why if you feel badly cant you just come and talk to me , like grown adults"


He feels he is the only being positive and sadly our MC thinks hes the only one doing the work too . that im the one being hateful and withdrawing from the relationship , hell maybe i am. I've never been cheated on if i did i never found out and would careless if that were the case because i was only ever in two sexual relationships and only one of them would matter which is this one my marriage.

for every little thing he says i want to interject something like a "well you should of thought about that shit when you blah blah blah" then he rolls his eyes and says" yes, i should have but im doing this now and we need to stay positive im changing the way i do everything and blah blah blah"


i guess i can see why i seem like the reluctant spouse......my WH has a way with words and man he can seriously mind fuck you !!!!! trust that anyone reading this you can be seriously mind fucked by him . I mean i feel he mind F**** my MC because she is telling great thats progress yes your right thats how you move forward .

on another note i feel like WH got our MC lesson plan because somehow before our meetings we discuss what we should be doing and how and when going into MC its almost as she was just repeating what he had already discussed with me.( he would turn to me and smile and say "didnt we just talk about that")

so it comes down to hes the only one really working on himself (which he has really has changed drastically ) but i have remained the same only to add jerk to my personality trait (my words, not his) i dont know how to change , or if i want to (scratch that i do want to ) but yeah i dont know how.


he is afraid that I maybe be disconnecting at least thats what he sees from the outside. Im not aware of that .



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 21st (Friday)

Hey Hurtz413

Have you considered going to IC and putting MC on hold?

IMO it really helps to get a jump on healing YOU before you try to heal the M.

You need a safe outlet to get out the feelings you are having in a healthy manner. Jumping on your WH (as much as I get it) is counter-productive to R.

You are only 2 months out. Right now isn't the time to decide if you want to R or D. It's time for you to handle the trauma and shock you have been dealt.

You can't fix it all, it's impossible. I would just start by taking care of you...once you heal and your H fixes his shit you have a better chance of coming together to fix the M.....if that is what the two of you decide you want.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3245 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
huRtZ413
Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 21st (Friday)

Yes I have , but can't I have two little ones to look after and we barely have time for MC as it is , we have to pay a sitter money we don't have and so on .....WH says maybe we should stop MC since I'm not taking her advice and still do what I want , and not trying . I don't know I thought I was clear that I want my marriage ...guess not



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 21st (Friday)

You need a new MC..one that understands infidelity.

Going to a bad MC is way worse than not going to one at all.

Your WH has alot of nerve telling you you're not trying. He fucked this up. You heal on your time,not his. The beginning of R is all about the BS and tending to the bleeding wound caused by the WS. Neither your MC nor your WH understand this.

He rolls his eyes at you because you dare not trust him yet..because he is being "positive" and you're being "negative." Fuck that.

Honey..this man doesn't get it..his remorse is conditional..and your MC is feeding into that.

Oh...and his telling you "" i understand that believe me thats not what i expect , but you cant stomp on me all day then act as you did nothing" "why if you feel badly cant you just come and talk to me , like grown adults" is BULLSHIT.

Um..why didnt he act like an adult and keep it in his pants? oh..that's right..because idontknowhername college girl just "had to have him."

But he wants to lecture you on being an adult?

This man has alot of growing up to do.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6652 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Wonderingwhy11
Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, June 21st (Friday)

What you describe is pretty much how our conversations went. How long ago was your DDay's and TT? I don't think your WH understands that you are still processing the A.

he is afraid that I maybe be disconnecting at least thats what he sees from the outside.

What did he think would happen when you found out? I think it is normal to disconnect when trying to figure out what you want to do.

You can't live like this forever. At some point you have to get off the fence but you should be given time to reach a decision. He made a decision that has damaged the marriage and you need time to recover and heal from it.

for every little thing he says i want to interject something like a "well you should of thought about that shit when you blah blah blah" then he rolls his eyes and says" yes, i should have but im doing this now and we need to stay positive im changing the way i do everything and blah blah blah"

I did the same and finally realized it just shut down the conversation. I finally had to start telling him when he said something I found hurtful instead of you should have thought about that before ....

Ask your WH if he understands how you feel? Ask him if he understands what you need? Does he show empathy? I think empathy is important. I think it is what keeps us from hurting others.

It doesn't sound like the MC is helping you with the range of emotions and how to handle them. Maybe you should switch to IC (and not the same MC you are using now) for awhile and work on you - without him there.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 5