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User Topic: I Never Thought Of It Like This But...
FR2012
Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, June 21st (Friday)

I was the OW to my AP.

My husband and I were talking yesterday about stuff and this is one of the things that came up.

I honestly never thought about it like that. I was the OW, if my AP's wife knows about the A I helped ruin her life and their kids' life. I contributed to this devastating ordeal. I have done a lot of changing this past year to not go down that path again. I never want to be in that position again. And as my husband said, I hope my AP changes too, if not for him or his wife but his kids. If they know what went on, they are going to grow up thinking that it is okay to cheat and treat your family like shit.

It was a real eye opener when my husband pointed this out to me. It was something that never crossed my mind.

I don't really have a point to this post, just something that I have been thinking about.


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, June 21st (Friday)

This hit me about a month after DDay, when we sent emails outing the two APs to their BWs. Neither responded spitefully, but one wrote my BH that she was surprised we weren't getting D, and she had to be devastated to learn I was in her house and her car. During the A and the Fog, I had that typical (I think) wayward attitude that if the APs hadn't cheated with me it would've been someone else, so I had no responsibility toward their Ws. I was wrong. In a way my APs' Ws were "lucky" it was me, b/c my BH insisted on informing them. Many OBSs are still living in ignorance, which is sad.

Why do you suppose it took you so long to come to this realization? Not judging, just curious.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1229 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, June 21st (Friday)

I think of this often. I broke the girl code, the wife code, etc...
they had 3 little boys and I'm sure as she was/is recovering from this she couldn't be the parent they needed. It is such a selfish act in so many ways.
We do have responsibilities to other people, not just our spouses...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5242 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
daledge
Member
Member # 38886
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, June 21st (Friday)

Maybe I shouldn't be weighing in here as I am the Betrayed Wife, but I do not think my husband's affair partner never appreciated how lucky she was that it was ME rather than another wife. I held in my hands the ability to expose them both, take her job away,
and pretty much deliver up what they both deserve.

She got off very easy. BUT she better not tempt me.

I took the high road and she better appreciate it.

The way I see it - I'd rather not get in the dirt and wrestle a pig; the pig would enjoy it and I'd get dirty.


Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, June 21st (Friday)

I know what you mean FR2012.

My AP said terrible, horrible things about his wife. The day after I ended the A, I went on this "mission" to find her. I wanted to see this "horrible monster" he described. I easily found her FB. The main picture was a family Christmas photo. I could not breathe. His beautiful wife, two precious little girls. She was nothing like he described. He had a beautiful life and is too broken to realize it. Much like I was.

I'd rather not get in the dirt and wrestle a pig; the pig would enjoy it and I'd get dirty.
Thank God not all of us OW/AP/WS stay nasty dirty pigs.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6290 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 8:55 AM, June 21st (Friday)

daledge,

This is the 2nd time you've been flagged in this forum, please post within the forum description or you will be removed.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, June 21st (Friday)

One of the things that has helped me come to acceptance with regard to my former friend is the assumption that she was as broken as my FWH.

I never saw remorse from her, toward me or to her BH, but I hope for their sake she got there.

FR, whether you realize it or not, it doesn't matter whether she knows about the A or not, damage has been done. She may be blaming herself for M issues and bending over backward to make her WH happy, all the while not knowing that there was nothing she was doing wrong, and nothing she could do to fix things. That was me. And if that's the case, the kindest thing you could do would be to release her from that agony. As much as DDay hurt, it was a relief to stop trying to fix what i could never fix. Have you considered telling her?


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1741 | Registered: Nov 2010
Later
Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, June 21st (Friday)

I'm sure as she was/is recovering from this she couldn't be the parent they needed. It is such a selfish act in so many ways.
We do have responsibilities to other people, not just our spouses...

Nice to see an appreciation of how the A affects the BS's ability to be a parent. My wife has a huge block when it comes to allowing herself to see this has affected the kids, even though they don't know about the A.


Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
Herkemeyer
Member
Member # 36910
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 21st (Friday)

my WW was excitedto be a mistress during her A. It never occurred to her that she was also a adulteress and betraying her best friend. The wayward mind is so hard to understand.


BH-43
(F?)WW-39 (neznayou)
DDay-08/10/12 TT for 18 Months (I think)
Married 19 years

Posts: 133 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Colorado
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 21st (Friday)

I honestly never thought about it like that. I was the OW, if my AP's wife knows about the A I helped ruin her life and their kids' life

It's tough to admit and accept the damage that you and your affair partner caused. My wife started to really grasp that she was the other woman when the OM's BS called her. That call really shook her up.

Good realization.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, June 21st (Friday)

I am glad that you are seeing it and making yourself a better person. That takes lots of guts and courage.

Yes, I often wonder if OW knew the pain I was in? I knew she did not because she would harass me thru text and came to our home. But, what wh and OW did not know what the horrible emotional, mental and physical shape I was in for all those years. I became the mom and dad for that time and I was on edge all the time. Jumpy, shaking, crying, fustrated, forgetful, ect... I was a mess and the kids saw me like that. It was horrible.
You give me lots of pride in human beings because you are seeing it now and changing it. Thank you.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2777 | Registered: Aug 2011
Patchy
Member
Member # 39228
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

I appreciate your post and the realization you have come to. I'm a BS and I often wonder if the OW has any clue what I'm going through because of her. I knew her before the A but we haven't spoken verbally since. I had sent her a couple of emails after the "first" Dday, which she never replied to. Five months later, when I found out the A never really ended, I sent her another one that she replied to and actually apologized, though she defended herself by pointing out it takes two, and insisted she didn't need to leave the cycling group I'm in, so it kind of negated her apology. At any rate, I said in one of my first emails to her that since I hadn't seen her face to face since finding out, that it almost felt like she wasn't real, that she was just this made up nightmare that haunted me on a continual basis. And I wondered if that's how she saw me. I wasn't a real person, with real feelings, with kids and a family that she was doing her best to destroy. In her email she admitted that she didn't see me as a real person during all that time. It made me wish with all my heart I had confronted her face to face after the first Dday. I can only wonder if it would have spared me the deeper devastation and pain I'm now in. When my H finally spoke on the phone with her husband on second Dday, it made a huge impact on him. I think reality came screaming in his face about what he was doing.

It's now six months since second Dday and I'm still in massive pain. I'm preoccupied with thoughts of her and wondering if she gets what she did to me and if she has any true remorse over it.

I'm glad to know you get it.


Me BS 44
Him FWS 45
Married 23 Years
DDay 1 July 2012
DDay 2 Christmas Day 2013 same woman
EA with kissing, very strong bond and talk of leaving spouses for each other.

Posts: 93 | Registered: May 2013
FR2012
Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, June 24th (Monday)

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to this. I have been dealing with baby and packing/moving details. And just life.

20WrongsVs1:

Why do you suppose it took you so long to come to this realization?

Honestly, I have thought about it before this. Just when I was talking to my husband, it really put it in perspective. I never took the time to think about it in depth.

rachelc:

Thinking about it like this though, it is something that I never want to happen again. It is something that we did as waywards and is something that we will take to our graves with us.

Aubrie84:

Honestly, of what I can remember my AP told me a few things about his wife. Things like they never had sex, stuff like that. I don't know what she looks like or anything but I know they have 2 boys together. I do remember that the first time after meeting him he called his son soon after. Who calls your kid while you have another woman in your car? It is something that has stuck with me and hasn't sat well with me. I am kind of haunted by the fact that he did it.

He had a beautiful life and is too broken to realize it.

I think that my AP is very broken too.

Much like I was.

I wish I would have realized how beautiful of life I had before I went and screwed everything up. Before I went and put this pain and trauma into our relationship.

Thank God not all of us OW/AP/WS stay nasty dirty pigs

cdnmommy:

it doesn't matter whether she knows about the A or not

In all honesty though, I only hope she does know so that she can heal. I never meant to hurt her or her family.

Have you considered telling her?

My husband tried for the longest time to find her so that he could tell her. Tried Facebook, phone book, internet. Nothing. If we were able to find her, she would know and I would have wanted to tell her myself as much as it would have killed me.

Faithful w/Love:

It has taken a lot of work to get this far and I still have a lot of work to do. I am going to continue working on myself and my relationship in order to get better and help my husband heal.

I cannot fathom the pain that I have caused his BS. Although I can imagine as I see it everyday from my husband.

You give me lots of pride in human beings because you are seeing it now and changing it. Thank you.

I only hope that other WS's have the strength to heal and become a better person for themselves and their families.


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 13