User Topic: Therapist Told WF to Stop Working to Make Me Trust Him
Member # 39433
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, June 21st (Friday)

So we had our second therapy session yesterday.

Our therapist is also my IC. She told my F to set boundaries with ME. Last night the focus was on me and I was told to make a final choice to move forward with R or leave.

She also directed my F to stop working to make me feel secure that he isn't cheating still because it's a full time job. She said it creates a false sense of security and he loses self respect and I don't grow.

I get what she means but I feel I need those check ins for a little while to move forward.

My therapist and I are really close but I don't get her methodology. I don't ask for his passwords or phone records because that's a job but since we're long distance I need the check ins. Am I overreacting? She says he's enabling me but I feel not enough of his behavior is addressed.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, June 21st (Friday)

I would find a new IC/MC. One that specializes in infidelity and understands that it takes time to rebuild trust. You can't rush yourself to heal. Your F needs to be supportive and work together as a team for a stronger relationship.

[This message edited by jo2love at 9:04 AM, June 21st (Friday)]

Posts: 35844 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, June 21st (Friday)

Definitely get a new therapist. I've had some bad ones, but I've NEVER had one that told my H he needed to stop proving himself to be trustworthy, NEVER. They have all said that he's taken my trust level down to 0, and each and every time that he does the right thing and is accountable, that adds a portion of a point in the trust scale. Each time he lies, it takes away several trust points.

They tell him that eventually his proving himself will build a new history of truthfulness between us and I will have more trust in him and faith that he's doing the right thing.

That's exactly how I see it too. Your IC is way out of line, especially since your DDay was presumably so recent as you're join date is. Crazy talk I tell ya, crazy talk.

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, June 21st (Friday)

Wow. I don't even know where to begin in commenting on your IC's method.

What's her training? What 'school' of therapeutic theory does she follow?

IMO, a therapist is supposed to help the client figure out what's best for the client. The therapist can't possibly know what's best for you.

Besides, it's even more important that a therapist realize a person doesn't change because someone tells the person to change.

Run away from this therapist. She's almost definitely way, way off any path that'll help you get to where you want to go.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10345 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, June 21st (Friday)

That is the most inside out therapy advice I have ever heard of. It is utterly nonsensical for an assortment of reasons.

Openness, accountability and transparency are the cornerstones to rebuilding trust and faith in your relationship. He must PROVE to you he is doing right by you.

And you should have his passwords and phone records, FWIW.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 21st (Friday)

MC said that on the second session?

She also directed my F to stop working to make me feel secure that he isn't cheating still because it's a full time job.

She says he's enabling me but I feel not enough of his behavior is addressed.

I don't understand this. What is he supposed to work on?

I think you need a new MC.

Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'

Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, June 21st (Friday)

As a side note, it is not considered good practice to be someone's IC and MC at the same time. Therapists are human too and having created an alliance with one person, it is hard to make the mental shift to be a neutral party in MC.

BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 739 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, June 21st (Friday)

BTDT, did my best to obey. It got me another d-day (years later, a second A) and now 6 yrs of limbo.

Find another IC and MC.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 7:26 PM, June 21st (Friday)]

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11223 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, June 21st (Friday)

I am in hysterics that your MC would tell you that! I mean seriously, I''m laughing here because that is SO F''ed up that I have to wonder if she got her degree from Acme Degrees 4 You! No Studying Required! Cash Preferred!

That would be the last time that I went to that therapist.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4923 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, June 21st (Friday)

So, is this therapist saying he shouldn't *have* to prove himself trustworthy? What a load of bull cookies. I'm 4.5 years out from Dday and I'm still working on rebuilding trust. Don't know what my Hs trust meter says but whatever the reading, I'll continue to tell him when I leave work early or have to work late and he can verify if he wants to by looking at my paystub (It shows clock in/out times. Only a supervisor can change them.) I'll continue to do so until he says not to.

This therapist obviously has no clue about what's needed by either BS or WS to get through this crapstorm.

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 8:14 PM, June 21st (Friday)]

BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49

All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.

Posts: 5891 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
Topic Posts: 10