New Beginnings
User Topic: Stepish Kids -- more time with them...ugggh
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, June 21st (Friday)

So TG may be getting a job that will take him off the road so he'll be home full time. He wants to get 50/50 custody of his kids.

I dread this. The longer I'm around the kids the less I like them. I'm actually really frustrated with the whole situation and have scheduled an appointment for TG and I to discuss my issues with them with our family counselor. I made that appointment prior to this news.

The thought of them being there half of the time actually makes me reconsider my relationship with TG. Is that awful? I love TG so much but his children are terrors. I'm embarrassed to be in public with them some times. I don't even know how to address it.

I am quite sure unless there is major changes in their conduct that our relationship won't survive 50/50 custody. I know I'm rambling but I'm just floored by the reality of this. I don't want to lose my relationship but I can't imagin 8 -10 years of dealin with them 50/50.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler

Posts: 8460 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, June 21st (Friday)

Understandable, not terrible, but maybe a bridge better crossed when you come to it. Him not having a lot of time with them could be a factor in the behavioral problems. They might straighten out once he has more of an influence on their day to day routines.

[This message edited by Crescita at 3:24 PM, June 21st (Friday)]

“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, June 21st (Friday)

Yep girl.... You better have a good sit down with TG and be as candid as you are being in this post...

Young-youngish kids would be a deal breaker for me.... I know that and never made any bones about it...


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor

Posts: 5984 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, June 21st (Friday)

Isn't part of the reason that they're terrors because their mother has a complete and utter lack of boundaries and discipline? It would follow that their behavior would improve with more consistent time with TG.

ETA: Do you two live together?

[This message edited by Amazonia at 3:26 PM, June 21st (Friday)]

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, June 21st (Friday)

Maybe things will improve with TG being able to have them more but there would definitely be a transition period where things would probably get worse.

I feel for you... blending families with XSO was one of the hardest things I ever did. I hated almost every minute of it and I now know I'm not cut out to be a step-parent to kids still at home, especially difficult ones.

The biggest things I can advocate for you are lots of communication and counseling for everyone involved.


[This message edited by wildbananas at 3:30 PM, June 21st (Friday)]

Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15415 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, June 21st (Friday)

Yep we live together.

Yes their mother's lack of boundaries and other weird stuff definitely factors in to their behaviour but they are 10, 10 and 13. I really wonder how much change we will see unless we had them full time which is more than I can take. One of them full time maybe. All 3 holy hell no!

I feel like such an awful person for even considering this to be a deal breaker.

I don't feel like I can wait for this bridge. The whole process could take a year or more. That's a long time to sit around and hope it doesn't happen. Plus if he starts the process it would be hard for me to be supportive so I feel like it would be best for me to address it soon.

He stands a good chance of winning so its not realistic to hope a judge wouldn't agree to this.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler

Posts: 8460 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 12475
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, June 21st (Friday)

You are not a terrible person. A terrible person would jump right into it and expect everything (but themselves) to change.

This is huge, and it may be a dealbreaker.

No matter how much you an TG love one another, the kids are still his kids. If he wants 50/50 custody, he's not likely to change his mind. If you find the kids intollerable, you are not likely to change yours.

I really feel for you. I wish I had an answer for you, but all I can offer is support.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

Thank you, Lord, for the lightness of my burdens

Posts: 8233 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: midwest
little turtle
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, June 21st (Friday)

Hmmm would it be possible to have separate homes? And you could see him when the kids aren't with him. Even if it's just temporary to work through this transition process. Or can it work out so he has the kids when you are away for work? I'm glad you're going to talk with him ASAP. I hope something can be worked out. You and TG have been through so much together.

No one knows if the kids will stay as bad as they are in the future.

How definite is this job TG may be getting?

Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4209 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Member # 7685
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)

Hey hon.. I am now a stepmom. PLEASE read the book "Stepmonster". I wish I had before I got remarried. It gives a lot of insight to being a stepmom and the struggles, etc that come with it. I am having a ROUGH go of it. It is far, far, far from easy, especially if you already are having trouble with the kids.

Red Headed Imps 10 & 8
DDay 1/05
Divorce final 6/21/06
My new life is GRAND.
Married my new beginning 6/09

Posts: 2290 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Greater Seattle Area
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)


I strongly urge you to get this out in the open as honestly as you did here ASAP. This would be a deal breaker for me. My children and I are a package deal and anything that threatens that package is a no go as far as I am concerned. I suspect I know where TG is coming from and if a significant other or even a spouse tried to push my kids away there would be hell to pay. xWW tried to do this a couple of times and it was one of the thngs I went ballistic over.

As painful as it could be, please discuss this up front and have an honest discussion about how this impacts your future. If it is a dealbreaker then handle it up front before you have any more invested in each other.

[This message edited by gahurts at 8:01 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie

Posts: 3432 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Member # 28127
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

I'm glad you're dealing with this now vs later. It will only grow and get worse.

My WH had four girls ages 2-12 when we met. I was in that stepmom role for nine years. Let's just say it was VERY hard. We had them 50/50 and his Ex was very difficult.

If you are already dreading the possibility and to the point of questioning staying with TG, it is very good you're addressing it now.

[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 12:56 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

Me - Now 36 y/o
WXH: Now 45 y/o and 18+ hrs away -NPD asshole now onto wife #3.
My sweeties: 5 yr old B/G twins. 90% custody (or more) since 14 months old.
D-Day 4/4/10 PA('s?) & EA's - D'd 7/11

Posts: 1691 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Upper Midwest
Topic Posts: 11