SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: Body Image
UMBL
Member
Member # 39605
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, June 21st (Friday)

All of the women my SAWH sought out over the years have been very full figured, mostly a little bit older women or women that are breast feeding because they typically are large...He has some FOO issues with his mother which is where the SA issues all came from. He has also made one inappropriate comment to my mother..that she immediately called him out on and that topic ended thank god before it ever got started (and I'm numb and can't really talk about that whole topic until I can get to a therapist)...Anyway...he says it's because those are the one's that respond and that's mostly what is out there on the websites and I just don't believe him for a second. I'm having such a hard time wrapping my brain around this. I'm athletic...with just average boobs and I really want to be skinny with hardly any boobs if I had my choice...Now large breasted women are triggering the hell out of me wherever I go and I just want mine to go away. How do I accept that my husband prefers a totally different look in his fantasy life? I know my body type, even if it was like that, would not have stopped anything but this whole thing has left me feeling insecure and unattractive.


BW - UMBL "Unhappily Married But Looking". His most recent Yahoo chat group
WH - SA
Blended Family - 2nd Marriage
DDay #1 - Jan 2009
DDay #2 - June 2013

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Alabama
ifinallyfoundme
Member
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, June 21st (Friday)

.he says it's because those are the one's that respond and that's mostly what is out there on the websites and I just don't believe him for a second.

My hubby constantly talked about my weight and he cheated with fatter women. You can't believe anything these guys say. Some men will screw anything with a vagina even if they personally find the AP ugly or unattractive.

Just be the best you and don't give in to your self doubts.


Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, June 21st (Friday)

I'm sorry, UMBL. I know the feelings of insecurity, too.

There is a list as long as an ocean is wide about the things about OW that are against or opposite all things Perv used to say about women and life.

OW is apparently very, very large, for one thing. I am very small. We are the same age, same coloring and have daughter's the same age. But it stops there.

He used to poke fun at the image she portrays, including what he called "frufru" dogs, which she has, apparently, one named our last name. ?

The list goes on and was enough that this was told me by Perv himself, until I could stand no more. I do understand that this is a very, very juvenile person and who is aware the he left behind a suffering daughter and pregnant wife.

It takes a lot of soul searching and a long time, UMBL, but it's not about reason or logic and often, none can be found. It's not about physical appearance often times as "willingness" or "convenience"-I don't want to be rude.

I have a friend who is a BS also and she is this gorgeous woman who spends a lot of time and care on her appearance. She is a tall blond woman who turns heads-got noticed by Perv, of course-and she got cheated on. Her ExH said the sex wasn't what he wanted and that's what Perv tried to say part of the problem was. He, too has a wazoo full of FOO issues he won't ever deal with, because he thinks I am the problem and the rest of the world is wrong and stupid.

He thinks my conservative and polite ways are wrong and boring, so off he went to find someone who will perform all the things he sees on the Porn he likes and helps fulfill his sex fantasies, but ruined his life for.

I hope someday it will help to hear that. What I think is that if someone is bound and determined to do it, they will and often it's about ego and them and problems, as you say "foo issues".

I'm sorry for your struggle. I have triggers with seeing any people being any kind of couples, romance...it's all triggers right now but they go by. Sometimes new ones come and sometimes they don't.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
letitout
Member
Member # 38288
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, June 21st (Friday)

I have body images because my WH had sex with 20yo prostitutes. He also told me that was all he could get online. His fantasy. They were all slender with small boobs. so you see, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. and it's bull shit that my WH said it was all he could get. He got it because he liked it. So I really trigger over 20 somthings.


BW 55, WH 64
2 years of prostitutes.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: California
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, June 21st (Friday)

UMBL,

Has your WH been diagnosed by a professional therapist that specializes in Sex Addiction as a "Sex Addict" or has he simply applied this label to himself?

IF he is a SEX ADDICT, do you plan to remain in the marriage and go through the years and years of intense, ongoing therapy that's required to deal with this issue?


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6116 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)

Body image is such a weird thing. Before the A, I felt really good about my body. I liked what I saw in the mirror. I felt beautiful. Now I feel lumpy and haggard. Not all days, I have good days and bad days. After the A, I walked out naked in front of WH and asked him, "did you actually think the grass was greener elsewhere?" He said, "it was" and walked out. He claimed she was a much younger woman. After many months of refusing to tell me who OW was, he gave me a name of someone who doesn't exist on any search engine. He's a lawyer with private detectives who work for him but claims he can't find her. he's such a liar. the phone records (he tried to prevent me from getting) show him talking for hours with a secretary from work. not his secretary. Not at work but late at night, at home. I've seen pictures of her. She looks a hellovalot like me. Very similar, right down to body type. Basically, the bastard replaced me with someone who hadn't put up with years of his abuse and didn't know what an asshole he was. Excuse my language. I'm in a foul mood today.

The truth is, ladies, we are all beautiful! It doesn't matter if you are fat, thin, bodaciously endowed, flat chested... everyone of us is beautiful. As women, we have to keep reminding each other and ourselves that we are all beautiful.It is all about attitude. Attitude is where the beauty comes from and that is the part of us they stole from us with their affairs. That's the part we have to take back.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 12:20 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)]


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
CATransplant
Member
Member # 39567
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I know first hand what it is like to be completely opposite of what seems to attract our spouse. I felt so bad when I found out that the next day I went out and changed everything I could about me. I was a Brunette now a red head, I never spent money on myself to any extent and have now cleaned the bank. I felt unattractive to him which lead me to feel unattractive to everyone but a quick lunch with my daughter brought men around who seemed eager to get to know me. That helped my confidence a bit. I am still working on H though. Not sure I want him anymore but time will tell. H has a lot of repair work to do! I am not sure however you can fix what I once thought we had.

UMBL please know we are here for you. Take the time you need to find out what you want and are willing to except. Know it is a wild ride full of heartache and truths that will slap you up side the head. Some needed some not. You are the most important person here and we support you.


Me BS
H FWS
M 3/27/12 together since 06'
A EA/PA 4/19/13/5/26/13
DD 6/12/13
Forced NC 6/13/13
MOW coworker-caught,TT for six months.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
CATransplant
Member
Member # 39567
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I know first hand what it is like to be completely opposite of what seems to attract our spouse. I felt so bad when I found out that the next day I went out and changed everything I could about me. I was a Brunette now a red head, I never spent money on myself to any extent and have now cleaned the bank. I felt unattractive to him which lead me to feel unattractive to everyone but a quick lunch with my daughter brought men around who seemed eager to get to know me. That helped my confidence a bit. I am still working on H though. Not sure I want him anymore but time will tell. H has a lot of repair work to do! I am not sure however you can fix what I once thought we had.

UMBL please know we are here for you. Take the time you need to find out what you want and are willing to except. Know it is a wild ride full of heartache and truths that will slap you up side the head. Some needed some not. You are the most important person here and we support you.


Me BS
H FWS
M 3/27/12 together since 06'
A EA/PA 4/19/13/5/26/13
DD 6/12/13
Forced NC 6/13/13
MOW coworker-caught,TT for six months.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
UMBL
Member
Member # 39605
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

Thank you everyone...I brought this up to him last night and he admitted that he had alot of work he needed to do with a therapist b/c he didn't want to have a "mom issue" as I called it anymore. He also told me i was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and that he was so sorry that he has made me feel the way I do.

Dare 2 Trust - yes..he has been diagnosed by a CSAT..he went through the motions before with treatment but never fully engaged. He says he is all in now regardless of what my choice ends up being. For now, I'm staying in it just because I'm in no position to make any big decisions...we start IC/MC next week and I'm taking each hour at a time. I feel numb most of the time and just like I'm drifting in the breeze... and I think because he is so open right now and remorseful it makes it easier to stay in the house than if he was being a complete ass.

He's not arrogant or mean or in denial..just the opposite actually - he is admitting everything and giving out additional information, and making all the appts himself It seems like he really wants recovery and treatment but who am I to judge truth at this time! Plus he knows that if he was an ass and not providing full disclosure, I would drop kick him out the door, I do not need one penny of his money thank goodness.

- I'm not really doing anything at this point other than asking questions when I need to and waiting on the appt with a therapist together first and then separately...and posting here...

The rest is just normal life...throwing baseball in the backyard, games..kids..pool..dinners. Life goes on except for the crying late at night after the kids go to bed..the interrogations, the searching through the phone, the gps tracking system, the calls to the sponsor, and the meetings. crazy making


BW - UMBL "Unhappily Married But Looking". His most recent Yahoo chat group
WH - SA
Blended Family - 2nd Marriage
DDay #1 - Jan 2009
DDay #2 - June 2013

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Alabama
Topic Posts: 9