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User Topic: Lending friends money
Dark Inertia
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, June 21st (Friday)

I think I made a mistake. I lent a friend some money, because he said his account was going negative, and he needed money to get in fast to stop the overdraft charge. I felt bad. I am a major people pleaser. It was $80. He cashed it immediately. This was on Wednesday. He said he will pay me back next Friday. On Thursday he missed work completely and I got nervous. Today he came in and said that his wife kicked him out. Then he wrote me this note:

"I got charged a overdraft fee, I have nothing. Can I please borrow some more till Friday if you have it? I will pay you back on Friday. I promise. I have no food, or gas. My mom is going to help me next week. I'm so sorry to ask. I'm so embarrassed. I am so depressed but I'll get on my feet on payday."

I was sick when I read that. I felt like he was manipulating me. I feel like an idiot. I have a dreadful feeling he is not going to pay me back on Friday, especially with this thing with his wife (who he swears is cheating on him).

My SO and I are not hurting for money. $80 is a good amount for us, but we can do without it and our bills still get paid. We have a nice savings, and manage our finances well. But it is the principle of the matter, and I am not sure if I should leave it as a loss or pursue it if he doesn't pay me back.

I feel awful.

"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, June 21st (Friday)

Any way you can verify his story? Talk to the wife who kicked him out? My gut reaction is that perhaps he is an addict looking for cash for his next score.

Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6544 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, June 21st (Friday)

I wouldn't lend him anymore money.

I wouldn't beat yourself up about the first loan tho... you were being a friend. You didn't know he was gonna be a douche.

My rule of thumb in loaning money to anyone is to never loan more than I would miss if it never got repaid.

And I have to really think about that even.

Sorry you're finding yourself in this situation.

Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 69
DS - 13
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24591 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Sad in AZ
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, June 21st (Friday)

Trust your gut and tell him that the bank is closed.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20273 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 16591
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, June 21st (Friday)

"I'm so sorry for your current situation. I'm simply not comfortable lending any more money. I am willing to lend an ear or share a meal with you. You have my friendship and support as you get back on your feet".

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: SoCal
Member # 1822
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, June 21st (Friday)

My dad lent some money to a friend of his from church. Turns out, this guy had a huge gambling problem and was borrowing left and right from everyone! He lost everything.

Trust your gut and don't give him any more money. You won't actually be helping in the long run. You are a caring soul.

Divorced 9/2010
Just married 7/4/13

Posts: 4083 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Twin Cities
Dark Inertia
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, June 21st (Friday)

My gut reaction is that perhaps he is an addict looking for cash for his next score.

Ugghhh.... Did I forget to mention this guy is a recovering drug addict? His addiction was pain medication. Today I confided in one person at work about the situation. This person is an older guy, who has been around the block a time or two. He told me that he suspects the friend I loaned the money to fell off the wagon. I can't tell, he seems sober to me, but older guy swears he can tell he fell off. There is no way I can verify Friend's story, and I am really starting to feel suspicious. Friend says his account went negative because of his cheating wife.

I am not lending him anymore money. SO says I might have to chalk it up as a loss and a lesson learned, but I am so bummed. I thought I was helping him and his family, but now I feel used.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 9:43 PM, June 21st (Friday)]

"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)

I would take him out for lunch or buy him some groceries, but no more cash.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13791 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)

I am with Ama on this. If you really feel the need to help this guy, buy him some groceries or take him to the gas station and put $10 of gas in his car. If he is telling the truth, he would appreciate it - I would in that situation. But I wouldn't give him any more cash.

I am not a fan of "lending" money to friends or family. If I do it, it is with the expectation that I won't ever see that money again...

Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2252 | Registered: Feb 2010
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)

One word about lending money: DON'T.

Lesson learned the hard way.

Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2604 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

I loaned a friend and my cousin (room mates) money for a deposit on an apartment and they were each supposed to pay 1/2 to me. My cousin paid me her 1/2, the room mate moved out and said since she only lived there for a short time she shouldn't have to pay me back and I never saw the other 1/2. Now the only person I loan money to is my little sister, because it's usually $20 for gas and she always pays me back.

Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11583 | Registered: Dec 2009
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

I don't lend money. If needed I GIVE it and I tell the person to NOT pay me back. So far no one (other than sibs or my mom) has come back for seconds. I think it shames them.

Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2239 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Dark Inertia
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Welp, just thought I'd give an update. The guy quit. So I will more than likely never see him again. I have given it up as a loss and a lesson learned. But I am not going to dwell on it. I sent him one last thing on FB:

"You could have been a man and given me a heads up before fucking me over".

Which he did not respond to. I am leaving it at that. Buuut, I do have much brighter news...

I recommended a position to a friend of mine and he was hired today! He was over the moon ecstatic! It made me feel especially good because he suffers from terribly low self esteem, and him landing this job shot his self worth through the roof. Aaannnddd I get a $500 bonus for recommending him.

So now I know.... as another wise SI'er said in this thread... never lend money that you expect to get back.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 10:24 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Topic Posts: 13