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Wayward Side
User Topic: thinking out loud
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)

Just over two years ago, I nearly lost the woman I love more than anything because, ultimately, I was never my true self. All she ever wanted was to know the real me. Now, because of what I did to her, it's not enough that I'm learning to be my true self. It may never be enough. I've sabotaged the most meaningful connection I've ever had with another person.

All because I was weak, broken, inauthentic and unable to find myself. All because I cheated.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)

I could have written your post.

My XH said to me after D-day, "All I ever asked for was honesty and faithfulness." Sad that I sabotaged something so precious because I couldn't even be bothered to do the bare minimum.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2100 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

All because I was weak, broken, inauthentic and unable to find myself.

Are those your "WHY's"?


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

Are those your "WHY's"?

No, they just describe me for most of my life.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

What describes you now?


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

I guess I'm kind of confused on the whole "my true self" thing. You had an affair on your first wife with OW and reconnected with her on FB in your second marriage.

You mention in your profile that your world imploded after your wife found the emails. You left and now feel you should have begged her to take you back.

How was any of this not your true self? Those are all pretty true parts of many people. Careless. Surface. Selfish. Those are all pretty "distancing" tools. Keeping people at bay. Deminishing their importance or value. Reducing them to means to an end.

You state you sabotaged the most meaningful connection. Is that really honest? Did you have a true connection with her? Or really anyone else?

I can very much relate to the connection. I was very insulated from deep interaction or connection with my ex. A very valid complaint he voiced often.

Begging for her back, while dramatic, is using the same flawed impulsive thought processes you used when you reached out to the OW in the first place.

Have you ever just been on your own? Comfortable and confident in your own skin? That's the start. Getting there without an "object" to pursue or mirror. Just you. Then you can interact with others from a much healthier stronger position.

I read posts on SI and see in real life so many times we anchor emotions to people. Happiness, excitement, attraction. When the wheels come off negative emotions take their place. Rejection, pain, hurt, anger. Sad thing is, the people themselves were never really integral to any of that for people that don't connect deeply.

People exist as stand alones. Whenever I see "the perfect" anything or "the worst" I always wonder if that's not a huge part. Partners are neither. Just themselves. Not answers, plugs, pain meds, solutions, rewards, crutches,....

As has been said so often. To save anything you need to be ready to lose it. Let it go knowing you'll be ok regardless and it may be time to walk away. Maybe then the anchors will be cut and the ship will float either with you both together or each on your own.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)

What describes you now?

A work in progress, I guess. Something I should have been all along. I'm still broken, but mending. I don't consider anyone who is facing this mess to be weak, and that includes me. I'm still finding my way back to myself, and that's all about authenticity. I know I've come a long way, but thanks for making me acknowledge it.

I guess I'm kind of confused on the whole "my true self" thing

That's about FOO issues. I gave up on myself, my dreams, my identity as a result. I became a white picket fence guy when that was the farthest thing from what I am. This goes back long before even my first M.

I get what you're saying, UO. Some of it applies and some doesn't. The point is, I want this marriage to survive. I don't NEED it to survive, but its what I want. I can be alone, but that's my second choice. First choice is staying with Mrs LRH. Starting a new relationship if this one ends is not even on the list at this point.

I do have a connection with her. She is my family. I would continue to think of her that way even if she were to leave. I bloody well should have gone to her after d-day and begged her to forgive me. I should have acknowledged the pain I caused her right away. Instead I was falling into my old patterns of hiding, avoiding, hoping it would go away, assuming, as I have many times in my life, that it was easy for her to just stop caring. Just now, at this moment, I realized that I have always assumed that I didn't matter enough to anyone to be able to cause them pain or disrupt their lives in any way. I feel that if I go away, it doesn't matter to anyone. There's a specific reason for that, also FOO related. At least I know where it comes from. Something else to work on.

The point of the original post really wasn't about all that, though. The point is, because of what I did she will never love me the same way she used to ever again, and that makes me sad. The man she thought she loved turned out to be something different, so now she just doesn't know what to think. I can become the best version of myself, stand on my own two feet, with my bulletproof boundaries in place and no desire to be validated by anyone but myself and the woman I love will never feel about me the way she used to.

That makes me so sad.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)

She can always love the new you though, you need to learn to love yourself first.

A member here a while ago, a BS, was struggling like your W now is. However, when his WS started doing the work and digging and changing; not saying you aren't, btw that's when he realized he had her but version 2.0. So a *new and improved FWS* Make sense?

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 1:09 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)

you need to learn to love yourself first.

I know I do. I'm trying so hard. It's difficult to love myself for the positive changes I've made as the result of such a horrible thing. It casts a shadow over everything.

that's when he realized he had her but version 2.0.

That's what I'm hoping for. She is understandably angry that there has to be a v2.0 at all.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)

I realized that I have always assumed that I didn't matter enough to anyone to be able to cause them pain or disrupt their lives in any way. I feel that if I go away, it doesn't matter to anyone

Oh that I understand more than you'll ever know. At least the first part. I always knew, though, I could cause pain in other's. Isn't that one of the first real lessons we learn even as a child? Hitting, things we say can exact pain?

You saw her hurting, right? You knew why. Was your pain so overwhelming hers didn't exist to you?

What if she never brought up the affair ever again? What if she accepted the past without reproach and never spoke of it again. Would you still register her pain and know it lingered...and that you were the cause?

If the answer is yes, you're on the right path.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)

What if she never brought up the affair ever again? What if she accepted the past without reproach and never spoke of it again. Would you still register her pain and know it lingered...and that you were the cause?

Soon after d-day, honestly, no. It's easier to just move on and not think about it, right? Not better, but easier. Now, absolutely. I see the pain I've caused her every time I look at her, even on her best days. I try not to get bogged down in the guilt and shame, but there are times when even that would amount to rug sweeping.

For clarification, since it's just been made clear to me that I skipped over it, I've actually been married three times. My second M is not relevant to the infidelity story, but of course it's relevant to what has made me what I am. Time to redo my profile, I guess.

How was any of this not your true self? Those are all pretty true parts of many people. Careless. Surface. Selfish. Those are all pretty "distancing" tools. Keeping people at bay. Deminishing their importance or value. Reducing them to means to an end.

I guess it's more true to say it's not who I ever wanted to be. True at the time, though. I'm still learning how to close the distance I impose between myself and others. I think I'm using Mrs LRH's healing, or my perception of it, as a way to measure how much I'm changing. Still pretty fucked up. I should be able to just let her go at her pace and allow myself to go at mine by now and stop tying the two together.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Topic Posts: 11