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Just Found Out
User Topic: Back Again
Melody1000
Member
Member # 24445
Exclaimation  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

It's been quite a while. Much has happened over the last four years. Wboyfriend went into Recovery, children went away to college, mother became seriously ill, diagnosed with diabetes, mother died, son arrested on drug charges, diagnosed with depression, cared for widowed father, son entered Rehab and other programs for drug problems, changed jobs, father died suddenly, diagnosed with depression, gutted and remodeled parents house (major deferred maintenance), moved into parents house, son moved back home, daughter graduated from college and moved back home, got engaged, planned huge wedding, THEN discovered evidence of on-line activity by Wfiance. Activity allegedly began about a year ago (same time as engagement). Actual email contact with OW began about 6 weeks ago. Not yet physical due to 3000 mile distance.

WTF? Haven't I been through enough? Oh, and BTW...the wedding is NEXT SATURDAY! Lovely!


Posts: 101 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: California
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

Holy Moly!! Is there a term that is busier than busy??

Is Wbf the same dude as Wfiance?

Here is my prescription:

1. Deal with wedding!

2. Kick Wfiance's ass to the curb. (if the A started at the time of your engagement - he obviously doesn't want to get married.

3. Go online to Cheap Caribbean and book an all inclusive trip for 1.

4. Enjoy cocktails on the beach, and the rest will come to you.

I'm so sorry Melody! This is more than anyone person should have to have to juggle! Big hugs!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Melody1000
Member
Member # 24445
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

Haha! yes! All in just four years!

Wboyfriend = Wfiance

Wedding costs are now at $35K...nothing refundable at this point. His mom and sis are here from out of the country. Other relatives start arriving early next week.

Honeymoon is non refundable either. Maybe I can just take that trip. Bachelorette party is tonight! Oh joy! Well at least I have darned good reasons to get plastered!


Posts: 101 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: California
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

35K is probably a lot less than what you stand to lose in a divorce if you go through with the wedding at this point. Just sayin.... at least right now that house is probably yours. Some people live to take things that mean a lot to other people, like their parents homes after the parents are deceased.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Melody1000
Member
Member # 24445
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

I am majorly frustrated because I am not willing to deal with the humiliation of calling off the wedding and having to deal with every single person I know. But on the other hand I am also not willing to make vows at a ceremony that are clearly not in my heart.

UGH!

He, of course, is flipped out and begging that everything proceed as normal and that he will do anything and everything to make up for this. HA! As if anything can possibly make up for ruining my wedding day!


Posts: 101 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: California
Melody1000
Member
Member # 24445
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

PS...house is secure in a trust along with my dad's investments. Not much in the way of community property to lose in divorce.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: California
Melody1000
Member
Member # 24445
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

PS...house is secure in a trust along with my dad's investments. Not much in the way of community property to lose in divorce.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: California
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

Well shit Melody! - Somehow I read it that your daughter was getting married this week - but that you were also engaged this past year. I didn't realize the wedding was your own!!

Hell you do have options! And you don't have to go out the money -- If you cancel the wedding you can still have an awesome party with your friends! Let other relatives cancel their plans now and let his mom and sister kick his ass!!

Then have the party - with your friends and take a gal pal on your trip (or even one of the kids).

Not saying it would be easy, or that I'd like to change places with you - but calling off a wedding is a probably easier than dealing with a divorce, and it doesn't look like this guy can handle monogamy. His issues obvious run deeper than the dependency issue that put him in rehab. (if I'm reading that part right).

Hell you could rally the troops and go invite 200 strangers off the street spontaneous and create an awesome memory! Or donate all the food to a food bank! Or throw the best SI g2g ever!

You do have options here!

Okay, now I'm putting down the pompoms and getting real. Girl this really, really sucks! I know you are feeling like the universe is against you -- but maybe, just maybe the universe is doing you a favor and saying - Do not pass go - do not collect $200.00. And maybe, just maybe, it is because there is a much better future out there for you!

((Melody))

[This message edited by Take2 at 7:44 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

I am not willing to deal with the humiliation of calling off the wedding and having to deal with every single person I know.

Your WF is probably counting on this.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

Agree w/gonnabe 100%


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Rise And Shine
Member
Member # 27513
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

I would hate to find out that I attended a wedding where the bride only went through with it because she cared what I might think if she didn't.

It would hurt my feelings. I'd have to wonder why I was even invited to the wedding in the first place.

I'd feel so sad for you that you didn't feel loved and cared about by the friends and family that you invited to your wedding.

That the only people you had in your life to witness your vows would sit in judgment of you if you called off marrying a two-time cheater.

And I'd be mad at you for thinking so little of me...........AND for making me buy you a gift with my hard earned money!

Melody, if you marry this man than only do so with the understanding that there will be a 3rd dday.


April 25, 2009

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Feb 2010
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

Honey listen to Gonna and riseandshine.

Don't waste the money or any more of your life. Find a way to turn this around. You should realize that life Is short and can be ripped away in the blink of an eye. Would your Daddy want you to move forward? What would make mom proud?

Listen to your heart an who gives a flying fuck what anyone else thinks. You will be surprised by the amount of support you receive by canceling!

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7818 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
njgal480
Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

No one will think badly of you if you cancel the wedding. I was once invited to a wedding that was canceled at the last minute and no one criticized the bride for canceling. Instead we thought she was brave.

And about losing the money. You may be surprised. The venue may be willing to work with you. They may hold on to the deposit money and let you book other events at the venue in the future -smaller events etc. until the money is used up.
A co-worker of mine canceled her wedding when she found out her fiance was cheating on her. The venue did not give her back her money but gave her a rain check and believe it or not she met another guy and 2 yrs later got married at the same venue! She is now expecting her second child and is very happy and there was no bad mojo involved in having her wedding at the same venue.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3151 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
lemony.2008
Member
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

Please do not betray yourself by going ahead with the wedding, which would only inflict so much more pain upon yourself.

You wrote:

But on the other hand I am also not willing to make vows at a ceremony that are clearly not in my heart.

Please honor your truth.

Sending peace and strength.

((((Melody1000))))


Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron


Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
phillygirl
Member
Member # 9078
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Damn...Sorry that he did this to you again. But you have time to escape.

Gather all the evidence of his cheating. Tell him you want out of this wedding and that he needs to pay for the cancellations, etc. If he refuses...sue him. Cheating on you before the wedding is clearly fraud. He had no intention of being a real husband or making a real commitment. You can probably get a judgement for a good portion of the money.

You have been through so much, why go through with a marriage to a man who deep down you know will only bring you more pain.


Me - BW
Him - WH
Divorced - 7/2013

Posts: 824 | Registered: Dec 2005
seekingright2013
Member
Member # 37991
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Just want to chime in with everybody else. Don't go through with a wedding to someone who has betrayed you twice.


BSO, 53
exWSO, who cares
DD: 11/18/12
DD2: 11/21/12
Kicked him to the curb 11/21/12
I tramp a perpetual journey.
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Red State SE US
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Psst. Melody? How's it going? (That's my online whisper in case you've got a little head pounding going on...)


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Melody1000
Member
Member # 24445
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Wow! Guess I gave too much info without adequate identifiers.

SON was the one with drug/rehab problem. Doing very well now, BTW. Sober three years, finishing college, working consistently in a good industry.

DAUGHTER graduated college, got recruited to great job, suffered some depression resulting from loss of both grandparents within a year and loss of NCAA volleyball status after a back injury in freshman year.

ME: newly diabetic, depression following initial D day (4 years ago) compounded by deaths of both parents, but now much better and off all SSRIs and ADs.

Wbf/fiance: 4 years ago D-Day about Internet porn, camming, bulletin boards, emails, pic swaps, etc. No face-to-face meetings, no physical contact, just online video/pics and chat/email. Some phone sex. Attended SA meetings for first year. Therapy with SA specialist for year. Felt he was good enough. Maintained for about two years on his own. Relapsed last summer by exploring on Internet again. Relapsed this spring when someone responded to his cam shots and continued to communicate with her.

Hope that clarifies some of the crap I wrote in original post. So much for thinking straight!


Posts: 101 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: California
canteat
Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

oh, my heart aches for you. you have so much on your plate right now. while reading your post there was something that occurred to me.

Attended SA meetings for first year. Therapy with SA specialist for year. Felt he was good enough. Maintained for about two years on his own. Relapsed last summer by exploring on Internet again. Relapsed this spring when someone responded to his cam shots and continued to communicate with her.

if your fiance is a SA, (or any kind of addict really) then doesn't that mean that he will always be one. meaning he can be in relapse not recovery. people with addictions will have them (or substitutions) for life. that means that he should have never stopped working the program. People go to meetings for life to keep from relapse. My IC says that there is a lot of cross over between AA and NA and those programs are free. the actions and motivations are the same no matter the drug of choice (gambling, sex, cocaine, whatever)he needs to get back into addiction recovery.


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
Melody1000
Member
Member # 24445
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

yes, canteat. You are right. An addiction is a lifelong battle. The first mistake I think many make is to think they are "done". My son also believed that at first. I believe Wfiance now realizes this as well. He can't ever let up on his program.

He went to a meeting yesterday and will start the search for a sponsor. In the meetings he went to before, there were not many willing to take on newbies. He is also going to find more meetings for during the week. Today he had to take his mom on a short trip and was gone with her all day, so no meeting today.


Posts: 101 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: California
Topic Posts: 20