User Topic: helpful article
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)

I found this article and found it helpful in my search for understanding all this.

It is a bit long and is actually a continuing education course but brought me a bit of hope and clarity.

I don't know how to post the link but I found it by searching, "Making up is hard to do continuing education"

I hope this is of help to others also.

"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Here is the link:

WOW! that is quite an article/course! I dont have time to read it all right now, I just skimmed it and landed on this which I found quite interesting for those of us that did NOT cheat:

Why Partners Do Not Betray

Before we explore infidelity treatment issues in more detail, we would like to say a few words about why many partners can be filled with feelings of fear, loneliness, or anger and not ever be unfaithful. In these cases, we see such partners present with some or all of the following factors in their psyche and/or history:

A healthy level of Self-Intimacy
A healthy level of Conflict Intimacy
A significant level of empathy
Infidelity did not occur in their parents’ marriage(s)
A highly punitive Super Ego
Secure Attachment history
Partners who do not engage in infidelity deserve to be proud of their adherence to the commitment they made to their partner, especially in today’s social environment where opportunities and seeming excuses to “have a fling” are so prevalent, and where commitments seem to be blithely made as well as broken.

me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1:
Episode 2:

Posts: 7113 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Thank you for posting the link.

Reading about the 3 different types of affairs helped to reinforce for me that it really had nothing to do with me.

Also the section on evaluating the commitment of the ws to reconciliation helped to clarify the basic signs to look for.

I am going to print this and bring it to MC tomorrow.

I hope this helps someone else. I feel as if I gain so much help from everyone but am too absorbed in my pain to help anyone else. I hope this is a small contribution, the desire is there but the brain just isn't clear enough to offer assistance.

"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Thank you for this! I've read a few sections and bookmarked the article for in-depth reading. This is reinforcing and insightful.

Posts: 724 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 38474
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

I just wanted to post here so I can find this again later when I have time to read the article/course.

Thank you!

Me - BS/Him - WH (in our 40's)
Together 21 years/ 1 preschooler
D-day - Jan 24/13 He confessed about affair.
Broken NC -Feb 7-22,Feb 28,March 6
Continued Contact up to July 16
D-DAY 2-July 19 FALSE R!

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)


Thank you very much for sharing this article.

I also bookmarked the article after scanning it after your post.

My husband and I were having a talk yesterday, and he, due to the fact that he is trying so hard to express his emotions now, and what he recalls during the affair, said that at the time of the A he was feeling very LONELY.

He also quickly said that he recognizes that he is totally responsible for those emotions. To some extent maybe, but thinking back to when we lived such a busy, child-oriented life, I can truly see how this could happen.

I found your article again and read every word. I have read hundreds of articles on infidelity, as I'm sure many of us have, but this one hit home. Perhaps I like technical stuff.

It has also helped me to empathize with my H, and be proud of his introspection.

Thanks again.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 789 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

The article is a distilled form of their book, Intimacy after Infidelity, which I read in April and thought was very insightful. I enjoyed reading the article, because it reminded me of some details I had forgotten.

I think the one thing that struck me in their work (like being hit by a 2x4) was that it shattered my view of how our marriage had been so tranquil. "We never fight!" I used to say proudly. Now I know that we both are major conflict avoiders, which is one of the very toxic (toxic!!!) ways of handling differences. It's like a wound that festers until it releases poison that spreads through the body. I am not so proud of our "not fighting" anymore, but wow, is it hard to change old habits.

Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA

Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Thank you for posting this article

I have printed it out so I can share it with my H.

I have found it very informative and it made me feel great to identify that we are in the 3rd stage of Differentiation and have finally broken the rut we were in during stage 2, Soured Symbiosis.

It's so good to see it all explained and easy to understand.
I'm excited that we are heading towards Synergy and that this article gives us some tools to get there.

Thank you and all the best to you

Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Thank You for this. Bookmarked for reading later on this evening

D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
Topic Posts: 9