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User Topic: Sad, any advice? Is this normal?
inshockandhurt
Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)

What should I do? Lately I feel angry and sad all the time; I canít seem to shake it. Itís like my ship has finally crashed and I canít get back to where I believe wholeheartedly that reconciliation is going to work out. We are a little over four moths out. A little background story; OW was a very good friend of mine (or so I thought) I worried that my husband was a attracted to her and we had conversations about it, one in particular where I was crying, he was holding me and he promised that he would never hurt me by having an affair with her. Well, he turned out to be a colossal liar who ended up having an affair with her for 6 months. At first I wanted to stay together and was sure I could get over this, but lately I just keep flashing on that conversation, his arms around me, holding me tight, promising me he wouldnít do it. How do I ever trust a man who would do something like that. Who cared so little for me that he would not only have an affair, but actually ask the woman to come to him? Though she emailed him first, he asked her to meet him, knowing what would happen. I keep kicking myself for allowing her anywhere near us, I was so paranoid I should have just gotten rid of her, I donít know why I didnít. I made the very stupid choice to trust them both, and got burned. So how do I now make the same choice to trust my husband again after what he has done? Why should I? He probably will do it again, and I donít think my heart could survive a second beating. I am also pregnant and it is making me sad, I seem to be almost completely apathetic about this baby, I cry all the time and I worry that itís going to affect her; with my last one, I was so happy. I just want everything over with, I am too tired to do this anymore. My husband was the love of my life and the man I thought he was is dead, I am sleeping next to a stranger who wears his face. How did my world literally become my worst nightmare, and why did the love of my life plunge me into it?


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)

As I recall between 4-6 months I was hit with a new search of anger, and disbelief. And that was also the same time frame when conversations from the past began to haunt me... Not sure that is a comfort, but at least, yes I think it is normal. And double yes, because you are pregnant.

((inshock)))


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Just wanted to send you some hugs..

((((((((((inshockandhurt))))))))))


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2315 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
SAR681
Member
Member # 36285
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)

O. M. G. I literally just came here with the intention of posting almost this exact same question. Our timelines are VERY similar. I obviously don't know how this will end, but there is some comfort in knowing I'm not alone. Hugs!

[This message edited by SAR681 at 11:58 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)]


BW Ė Me, 32 FWH - Him, 33
Married 9 years, together for 14
3 Kids: 5 yrs, 3 yrs, 18 months
MOW - my "friend"
DD#1 Ė July 2012, admitted to an EA
DD#2 Ė 1/14/13, finally admitted to PA

http://endureevolve.blogspot.com/


Posts: 122 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Somewhere in Middle America
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

He probably will do it again, and I donít think my heart could survive a second beating.

This feeling was one of the biggest reasons I got divorced. In your situation, it's even worse because of this.


I worried that my husband was a attracted to her and we had conversations about it, one in particular where I was crying, he was holding me and he promised that he would never hurt me by having an affair with her.

I have no words for the cold heartedness of what he did to you.

So, you asked for advice. Here's mine:

1. Self preservation is your number one responsibility. You don't know if you could survive another betrayal. Protect yourself. Leave him.

2. For some people, betrayal by infidelity is a deal breaker. That's ok. He broke the deal. Leave him.

3. Be kind and easy on yourself. You don't have to decide immediately. You can set your own timetable. If being pregnant and divorcing is too much to handle all at once, separate until you decide what /when you want to do whatever you decide.

I'm sorry for your situation. Strength to you.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
inshockandhurt
Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Thank you Take2, it is nice to know this is at least normal. How did you deal with it?

Thank you ButterflyGirl, I can use all the hugs I can get.

SAR681, I read your profile; my husband did a little bit of the trying to make her seem crazy thing when I found out, he tried to make it seem like maybe she was stalking him. How do we get passed this? How are you doing in trying to trust him again, after all the blatant lies? It's weird, I know that when a couple gets married there is a promise to be faithful, but somehow the fact that he specifically promised that he wouldn't be with her in particular makes it seem so much worse.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
inshockandhurt
Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Thank you nomistakeaboutit, I appreciate your advice. I am not ready to make the decision to leave him yet, I want to see if we can fix everything and work on our marriage. I know that I love him still and despite everything I still can't imagine my life without him. It's probably very stupid of me but I feel like I owe it myself to at least attempt trying again.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

For me, the primary feeling all along has been grief. (I didn't feel a lot of anger because I did a lot of work with anger in IC over the years. I had the rage but had some good ways of working it out pretty quickly.)

This is a BIG trauma, and the lousy feelings just keep on coming. IMO, the best way through them is to feel them - I chose to sob, cry, shake, meditate the grief out of my body.

For anger, I did
some writing (stream of consciousness completing sentences beginning 'I'm angry that/about...' for 3-5 minutes at a time),
a lot of self-talk (telling myself stuff like, 'You can't change what happened - what do you want to change right now?', and
some venting (I'm furious that you did _______!' - very little 'you're a ...' or 'You did...'; lots of 'I statements.)

Bottom line, grief and anger and fear are normal responses to being betrayed, especially a double betrayal. There's a thread in ICR on double betrayal. I've never looked at it, bu


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

For me, the primary feeling all along has been grief. (I didn't feel a lot of anger because I did a lot of work with anger in IC over the years. I had the rage but had some good ways of working it out pretty quickly.)

This is a BIG trauma, and the lousy feelings just keep on coming. IMO, the best way through them is to feel them - I chose to sob, cry, shake, meditate the grief out of my body.

For anger, I did
some writing (stream of consciousness completing sentences beginning 'I'm angry that/about...' for 3-5 minutes at a time),
a lot of self-talk (telling myself stuff like, 'You can't change what happened - but what do you want to change about your life right now?', and
some venting (I'm furious that you did _______!' - very little 'you're a ...' or 'You did...'; lots of 'I statements.)

Bottom line, grief and anger and fear are normal responses to being betrayed, especially a double betrayal. There's a thread in ICR on double betrayal. I've never looked at it, but it may give you some help.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:21 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
inshockandhurt
Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Thank you sisoon, I will try some of those things. I do write a lot but I have been slacking off lately because of school I will try to do it more. Thanks again.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

How did you deal with it?

As I replayed those moments in my mind, I realized that he had cheated before, based on the similarity of treatment I'd been getting: the disconnect, the lies, the reassurances, and the bullying... (8 months after Dday he confessed to 12 OW, going back to the beginning of the M)

The level of deceit and manipulation was devastating - but in the end it came down to what I knew in my bones: This man could not, would not, perhaps was not capable, of being faithful. I'm D'd.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

I feel like I owe it myself to at least attempt trying again.

I just wanted to let you know that he broke the marriage contract by stepping outside of the marriage, and there's no reason you have to hold up your end of the bargain anymore. That contract is dead. That marriage is dead. It's up to you if you want to create a new one (hopefully with more clearly-defined rules). You should feel absolutely no guilt if things do not work out. Perhaps he had reasons to leave you if he was so unhappy, but there is NOTHING you did to deserve him lying to you and deceiving you. NOTHING.

It's completely your decision if you want to give him another chance, but I would definitely stand up for yourself and let him know that you are demanding respect and truthfulness and honesty now and he can hit the road if he's not going to do everything in his power to help you heal.

If you keep telling him that you want to work on things and save the marriage, he has ample opportunity to manipulate you and take advantage of you because he knows you will keep sticking around. I know it must be so very tough given that you have a little one on the way, but please stick up for yourself and set some boundaries and give him the consequences of breaking those boundaries. You deserve better..

Lots of more hugs to you..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2315 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
SAR681
Member
Member # 36285
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

How do we get passed this? How are you doing in trying to trust him again, after all the blatant lies? It's weird, I know that when a couple gets married there is a promise to be faithful, but somehow the fact that he specifically promised that he wouldn't be with her in particular makes it seem so much worse.

I wish I had the answer! He has been pretty much the model remorseful spouse since DD#2. He put PS on his phone, sends me pictures from wherever he is, immediately fixes anything he can when I'm triggering, has given me access to everything...in addition to some other surveillance measures I have in place that he's not aware of. But, I feel so apathetic. The problem is that I'm not sure that I care if I can ever trust him again. I've told myself that I'm not going to make any rash decisions because I know it's all a roller coaster. However, I worry that I won't realize when it is time to actually make a decision.

This sucks. And the worst part is I feel so isolated. I don't really have much support outside of the internet beyond FWH.


BW Ė Me, 32 FWH - Him, 33
Married 9 years, together for 14
3 Kids: 5 yrs, 3 yrs, 18 months
MOW - my "friend"
DD#1 Ė July 2012, admitted to an EA
DD#2 Ė 1/14/13, finally admitted to PA

http://endureevolve.blogspot.com/


Posts: 122 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Somewhere in Middle America
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

(((s&h)))

Make sure you are putting you first the baby needs one parent who will love her more than anything in the world. Get plenty of sleep. Try to eat right, keep hydrated. Try not to deal with this shitstorm right now. It's ok.

Your pain is palpable and the first thing that came to mind for me was. What is your H doing to help you through this. Is he being kind loving remorseful transparent without anger and frustration? If so then just be easy on yourself. If not then you are not In real R. Limbo land is a very hard place to live. It stunts healing, it prevents you from feeling worthy. It sucks. If you are in Limbo land it may be time to throw down some demands of R and start allowing you to heal.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8707 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
inshockandhurt
Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, June 24th (Monday)

Thank you everyone for the responses. My WH has been really good since D-day actually, he is doing everything he can to try to help me heal, and anything I feel I need, if I ask him for it he does it. He seems truly remorseful and transparent, he listens to all my ranting and tries his best to comfort me. I want to work this out really bad, I am just so scared and hurt and angry, especially lately and I am afraid that I will not be able to get over this.

@SAR681 I know what you mean about feeling isolated, I kept it from my family for the first two months and only a few distant friends knew, one who was a mutual of the slut and one I have known since I was five, but neither of them were really helpful, I finally told my mom after she found out that my brothers whore wife cheated on him (twice, once while she was pregnant, supposedly only an EA, but it's still disgusting) and she seemed really understanding; she has been a help mostly. You can pm me anytime you want, our situations are a little similar, we can commiserate together.

@ButterflyGirl: I just feel like I owe it to myself and my kids, not to him, he screwed up big time and I am not doing this for him at all. But despite everything I still have hope that we can make it and I am not ready to give up. Thank you for your advice.

@tushnurse: I am trying, it is so hard to be healthy right now I don't feel like exercising, and I am not eating the way I should, I should also probably get more sleep, but I am trying. Thank you.

@Take2: Thank you for your response, I am so sorry you had to go through that, infidelity is so awful and there is only one person in the world I would ever wish it on, the slut of course, I hope things are going better for you now?

Thank you everyone. I feel a little better this evening than I did this morning, so hopefully the roller coaster is on it's way up again, for now anyway.

[This message edited by inshockandhurt at 12:32 AM, June 24th (Monday)]


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 15