Topic: Little to no eye contact
Member # 25674
| Posted: 8:25 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)|
This is new to me concerning STBXH: my unwillingness to even look him in the face. I just won't. He could have something new on his face or body, like a scar or tattoo, and I wouldn't know it now. I haven't looked at him in the eye or as my husband or as someone I loved for weeks. It's as if I have terrible eye sight, but only concerning him. Everything else, including my life and my goals and my children....are in much sharper focus.
BW: 43 WH: 39 We are done.
Married 15 years with two kids: Cool Boy is 10 and Auburn Girl is 14
D-Day #1: 9-2009, 6-month EA/PA with H.S. friend. Did it ever end? D-day #2 on 5-2-13: Found OW's current pic on his cell.
Posts: 80 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Zoo of the New
Member # 34525
| Posted: 12:15 AM, June 24th (Monday)|
Yes, I have had this too. I am in 180 mode and I noticed recently that I don't even look at him when we talk. That moment or two when our eyes occasionally meet seem very foreign to me.
BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Posts: 822 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Member # 35229
| Posted: 12:28 AM, June 24th (Monday)|
I had to look at him briefly during a mediation session last week. I had to stop myself from giggling because all I saw was a worn out lower muppet head on a beat up crusty old stick going "blah, blah, blah".
I told my lawyer and he actually named a muppet that he resembled. Then told me off afterwards for making him stifle laughter when he looked at him.
I was shocked at how ugly he looks. Aesthetically I mean. His skin looks shit and he is skinny-fat now. Like Mr Burns with a beer gut.
I cannot believe I ever got naked with him. Ugh - pass the brain bleach please.
[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 1:31 AM, June 24th (Monday)]
“If things start happening, don't worry, don't stew, just go right along and you'll start happening too.” -Dr Seuss
Posts: 3543 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 38378
| Posted: 7:56 AM, June 24th (Monday)|
Oh Yes, this is very familiar.
Part of my attempt to heal is an effort to pretend Perv is dead, so I don't know if subconsciously it's what I'm thinking if he slinks around or just automatic.
The little I've been able to delve into it with myself is that I felt severe and utter embarrassment about what he did -I consider the A very against myself and my core values and I have embarrassment that he would behave in such a way towards me and also I'm embarrassed for him to see me...at all now.
Looking into someone's eyes is like looking into their soul, for me, and my feeling is that he sold his when he began the A and is OOMD-Out Of Marriage Dating. So another part is that I don't want to see what might be there.
Last year, prior to DDay, his eyes were very, very hard like stones and his voice full of anger, so much so that he was unrecognizable as the person I knew for 20 years.
Yes, he is very, very large now and even his face is bloated. But like Strong said, it helps to not feel attracted to him anymore. I still feel a mourning and sense of loss, but it's for the person he killed inside himself, not this current one.
I find during mediation that I can't face him either and tend to focus more on the lawyers. I told him this though, when it started. On Easter I had a panic attack when he appeared and that was how it started.
I also don't want to hear his voice, the voice that comforted me in what used to be dark times.
The times, they are'a changin'! -Bob Dylan
Posts: 1882 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 38377
| Posted: 8:30 AM, June 24th (Monday)|
He could have something new on his face or body, like a scar or tattoo, and I wouldn't know it now.
Same here.. I never look at him. Even at mediation, I never looked at his face. That's weird that he could have a face tattoo and I wouldn't know it, but that's the truth..
BW~ 34, Two DS~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012, False R/S 10/2012, Filed D 11/2012, Anxiously awaiting D 20??
"I'm not broken, just bent, and I will learn to love again." ~ Me, inspired by Pink
Posts: 1109 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 27035
| Posted: 8:38 PM, June 24th (Monday)|
I did this as well. It bugged him, so I continued it. It also made it easier for me to deal with him. I kept it up the whole time until divorce court. I stared daggers at him the entire time. It was the only way I could hold it together really - hanging on to the anger and letting it show in my stare. He could not look at me. He looked everywhere but at me. I did not want to cry in front of him.
"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."
Posts: 4042 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 38541
| Posted: 9:27 PM, June 24th (Monday)|
Even now, five years after separation, I can't look at squarely at my ex husband. It is such a relief to know that this is not so uncommon. I was feeling like perhaps I was hiding from something, but perhaps the truth is that I just dont want to look at his revolting face.
Posts: 147 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
Member # 33698
| Posted: 10:18 PM, June 24th (Monday)|
I don't look at mine either. It allows me to stay civil. He can be so disingenuous that it makes me ill. I make sure that he realizes, time and again, that we will never again be buddies and have friendly chats with each other. I look people in the eye when I'm interested in what they have to say, and I would like to have a conversation with them. He doesn't fit either description.
BS (Me) 39
Two DS and One DD
"You spoiled the best years / Of your life / You took them all in vain / Now you think that you're forgiven / But you can't be born again..." --Eurythmics, "Don't Ask Me Why"
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 34073
| Posted: 12:30 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)|
I actually looked at mine AND tried to verbally communicate with mine in person the other day. I just said " do you want to talk about the summer schedule". He wouldn't look at me or acknowledge me in any way. And you know, it wasn't upsetting at all. I felt powerful. He is so afraid to be near me, he won't even look at me or talk to me or even PARK near me. lol
I must be pretty awesome if I am so powerful that to even look at me or talk to me is too much.
" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks
"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead
Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
Member # 36579
| Posted: 1:31 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)|
I try to avoid all eye contact when we meet to drop off or pick up the children. Don't like looking at him at all The minimal glances I've had show me that he's fatter, greyer and more hideous than ever. OW3 is welcome to him
EA Jun-Aug 12 (OW1)FB flirting and then EA/PA with OW2 (Aug-Dec 12). New OW Jan 13, introduced her to the kids immediately.
Married 10 years, together 14yrs
2 kids (DS11 & DD7)
Separated Jan 13. He's now living with OW3.
Posts: 173 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 39074
| Posted: 3:42 PM, July 15th (Monday)|
Just came across this topic and had to respond. It has been about 2 and a half years since my divorce from the ex scum wad.
I cannot look at him because he physically makes me ill. The couple of times I did look at him, all I saw was an unattractive, fat, balding pitiful human being. I don't know this person anymore, so why engage him with eye contact? He's all yours, OW. Enjoy!
Posts: 48 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Kentucky
Member # 30989
| Posted: 4:03 PM, July 15th (Monday)|
I can't look at Mr. Trac-Fone, either. I don't see him often, and whereas I used to assess his appearance (it gives important clues about his physical well-being, something I cared about for a very long time), I really couldn't tell you much about it now. I vaguely think he looks rather awful, but I'm not really sure, because I haven't cared enough to look.
When he goes out with the kids, he's pretty intrusive--he'll merrily comes into my bedroom to talk, etc.
And I just couldn't begin to tell you whether he looks healthy-ish, or ill, or whatever. I just don't pay attention. I usher him out.
WH(Mr. Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS17
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke
(Please excuse typos; my tablet is possessed.)
Posts: 7465 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 36654
| Posted: 4:08 PM, July 15th (Monday)|
I did not look directly at XWH#1 for a few years after the D. During pick up and drop off's I would ignore him totally. After I became indifferent, I started to look at him and was amazed I was ever married to him in the first place. Everyone always thought he was my Dad (he was only 5yrs older)but to actually see him I felt pity for him. He is now fat, lost some of his teeth, and looks very old. I just look at him and think how could I have ever slept with that. It is amazing what taking off those rose colored glasses can do for your eyesight. I am now looking at WH#2 and starting to think the same way. If OW came to my door now, I would probably shove him out and scream please take him, he's yours.
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.
Posts: 2312 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 38458
| Posted: 4:44 PM, July 15th (Monday)|
Oh good, it's not just me!
Just a couple of weeks ago I noticed how I don't look at him or say a word unless he says something directly to me in question form. I was worried that for some bad reason I *couldn't* look at him rather than just not wanting to so the last couple of drop off/pick ups I made the conscience effort of looking him in the eye and saying ONE kid-related thing.
And then I realized WHY I don't look at him.... His face. I used to look at and love that face not because it was the best looking face, but because it was the face of the man I loved, my husband, the father of my children, a good guy. Now.. all I see is the face of a man who does HORRIBLE things to those who love him and who he is supposed to love. The face of a man who does that with absolutely no real remorse or empathy for the pain he caused. There is nothing pleasant about it anymore.
Plus he always looks tired and sickly and that isn't my problem anymore so why look at something that is no longer my concern? I don't talk to him because I have nothing to talk about and I felt silly trying to come up with something to say. If I need to say something I prefer not to have to see his face or hear his voice so I text. He usually calls in response rather than texting back but that is probably because I didn't do shit to him. He had to make up stuff to justify his anger and ill-will. Me...not so much. I have to consciously stop thinking about what he has done just to keep the feeling of absolute hate away.
This thread and the last couple of weeks of forced eye-contact has helped me come to the conclusion that it's OK to not want to look at him and not acknowledge him when I don't want or need to. I'm going to continue to put all of my focus on the kids during exchanges.
Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013
Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Member # 32265
| Posted: 6:32 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)|
Sweetness, you nailed it.
For me, I can't look at him because the mask is off and the ugliness on the inside is now showing on the outside, his face.
When he is in the room, I can't look at him, if I have to look in the direction he is in I just look around him.
Funny isn't it, how such a beloved face one day can be so grotesque.
Posts: 459 | Registered: May 2011
Member # 38378
| Posted: 10:39 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)|
I find I look at his feet a lot or the air around him. At mediation I cannot look at him and he favors sitting directly across from me, but it puts him at the head of the table...True Narc or what?
By mistake I looked up one day thinking he had moved and I noticed that his appearance is changing again. His life is extremely busy and he has added more traveling and doesn't take care of himself and it is showing.
It was interesting to hear during the school year, from neighbors and school parents, about the changes in his appearance and compliments in my hold up.
I'm glad this is common, too.
One of my feelings is embarassement for myself, from all his judging and lying about me that he does continuously to other people.
The times, they are'a changin'! -Bob Dylan
Posts: 1882 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 38154
| Posted: 9:31 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)|
I haven't seen my ex in person for well over a year. I've seen recent pictures of him on our sons' facebook pages and he hasn't aged well. But everytime I look at our sons (who are now young adults)I see in them what attracted me to him all those years ago. And I prefer to remember him that way - our boys are the perfect combination of he and I. And that's something that the OW/NW will never have with him.
M - 25 yrs
DDay - August 5, 2010
Divorced - December 12, 2011
He married the OW 35 days later
"Fall seven times, stand up eight" - Japanese proverb
Posts: 35 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 37215
| Posted: 12:01 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)|
Phew! I'm glad I'm not the only one. I've only saw him twice so far this year during court. Once in March and the other in June. In March, he had me in tears because he was acting so weird. In June, I had a "I don't give a fuck" backbone in case he tried to approach me which he didn't. So I looked at him during our court session and thought "What the hell did I ever see in him?" I don't know what it was but he LOOKED liked the word COWARD. Pathetic really. The mask if OFF!
Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 14
"...he hasn't ruined YOUR life or the lives of your kids - he's ruined HIS OWN life." anewday78
Posts: 1457 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 34697
| Posted: 12:15 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)|
I rarely look ex-shat in the eye. My focus is squarely on my child.
I also wear sunglasses most of the time because I have this very, very bad habit of rolling my eyes at utter stupidity. Pretty sure I'd have to go in to have my eyeballs popped back into their sockets, I'd roll them right out of my head looking on his stupid moronic ass self.
Posts: 3587 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Member # 39077
| Posted: 12:21 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)|
I'm stuck in the equally crappy other boat. My psychopathic ex has always had a lot of attention because of his looks. Family used to call him "Superman" because of the whole dark hair/icy blue eyes/athletic build deal. If he holds still (I'll explain what I mean), he is attractive/handsome by most standards.
But, wow, if he moves, whatever structural balance he has goes bye-bye. Like most psychopaths, he's twitchy and manifests a lot of physical tics: constantly rolling his shoulder or wrist, rocking back on forth on his heels. And his expressions are so over the top contrived and theatrical that I can't ever get passed analyzing the "Oh, that's his 'sad' face" or "Crap, that's his 'happy' face."
It's gross. When I do have to look at him, I'm always stunned at how flat his eyes are.
"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens." - Khalil Gibran
Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Arizona
Member # 32258
| Posted: 3:32 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)|
Now.. all I see is the face of a woman who did HORRIBLE things to those who love her and who she is supposed to love.
This for me as well. After I detached I no longer saw my STBXWW, it's more like I saw through her. It was like looking at a shell of a person. Once you KNOW who they really are they never appear the same again. They physically may look the same but they aren't. When I see her now I see someone that had no respect for me or our family but most of all no respect for herself and it's sad because she is completely and utterly oblivious to it. So I choose not to even look at her because what I see makes me feel pity for her and the fact that she will likely never "get it" but hey, that's not my problem anymore.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:34 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014
Posts: 1131 | Registered: May 2011
Member # 22722
| Posted: 4:21 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)|
STBXWH would use eye contact to manipulate me. I realized what was happening at one point and made a conscious decision to stop looking at his blue eyes. I had to stop for my own mental health.
It helped greatly with detaching and turning him into "that guy I used to know"
It's almost like a mantra now... don't look at him, don't look at him....
BW-me 48, WH-him 46 Passive/Aggressive Narcissistic Destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.
Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.
Posts: 923 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Member # 38851
| Posted: 6:22 AM, July 18th (Thursday)|
Oh wow, what a perfectly timed topic
WH was here for a visit last week (first time in almost 16 weeks, and the day after I sent him texts that I was letting go, coincidence???)
Anyway, the next day I realized that while he was here I didnt really look at him, I know what he was wearing, but never really looked him in the eyes or anywhere in the face, didnt do it consciencely, but I realize after, it was my brains way of protecting myself.
I have fallen back into his arms, just by looking at him before and although I didnt think about it until after he left. I didnt do that this time and I am so very proud of myself, he didnt suck me back in this time
But of course that was a week ago and he is gone back out with the OW living their happy lies
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him
Posts: 229 | Registered: Mar 2013
|Topic Posts: 23|| |