SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
General
User Topic: Update on church drama
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Quick recap: in 2009, my pastor (very small, conservative southern denomination) and his wife split up. She had been our music director. When she left, her assistant, k, took over the music. Several months later, he got up one Sunday to address what he said were persistent gossip and rumors. Rumors were that he and K had been having an A. Both denied, and the church ended up splitting over it. There were 3 people who were identified as the chief "instigators". Many other people left. There were very bad, bitter feelings.

We live in a small town. There three women were essentially shunned.

In the past 6 months, it has come to light that pastor and K have been dating for "a while". In my previous post, I wrote about how that all played out and how disappointed I was. Someone mentioned putting him on a pedestal and I didn't think that was the case.

I've realized over the past two weeks that's exactly what I had done.

In my last post I told y'all that I had messaged one of the three women who had left the church. I wasn't sure if I should try again or not. I also messaged another one. She called me last Wednesday night and we talked for over 2 hours. And I was ashamed, sad, and disgusted at myself, our church and the now former pastor. We all took his word about the gossip. We believed him and could not imagine that he would not tell the truth. But when I look at the facts and what I ever saw/heard for myself, I never heard the say one word. They all say that they had concerns about his behavior and confronted him out of concern for him and the church. And it all got turned around on them. Gas lighting and blameshifting at its finest. Simply unreal.

I've been able to apologize to each of these women. The one I messaged first responded Friday and we've corresponded a couple of times.

The whole thing is still so sad to me. But I hope we've started a process of setting things right.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2659 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, June 24th (Monday)

I am glad you all have started to reconcile. It wasn't your drama to hold in the first place but it should show your former friends how loyal you are.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 636 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I am glad you reached out to those women. I bet they really appreciated you righting that wrong.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4851 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, June 24th (Monday)

Thanks for the update.

You are very cool.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9768 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 4