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User Topic: Comments I am receiving when I talk about split / cheating
bestrongforyou
Member
Member # 25818
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, June 24th (Monday)

We are separated a few years now but one thing has been on my mind over the years and i don't think I will ever understand it as long as I live... maybe its because I can't imagine myself being like that to anyone...

It seems as if infidelity is seen as contagious and people are afraid to talk about it or even acknowledge it.

Comments as "that's life" or "every breakup is painful" or "that's unfortunate" or "what does it matter what happened, just move on" - almost nobody I ever spoken to about my story wanted to go beyond the surface, wanted to acknowledge that this in fact was miles away from a "normal" breakup - I even experienced it from other BS's IRL - even there the real understanding never set in I think.


Me(39)BS Him(35)

Posts: 659 | Registered: Oct 2009
wanttogoforward
Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, June 24th (Monday)

I think the reaction you get is people feeling uncomfortable... those that have been through it and had their M survive just want to run screaming and not want to rehash the past, especially with someone they maybe aren't super close with... those who have never been through it are highly insensitive and many still think somehow it was the fault of the BS... I've heard comments like "well, if you're not getting any at home..." which to me is total BS because many people who cheat were still getting plenty at home.
Cheating is such an intimate thing... and it makes people feel weird to talk about it..... I know many who would rather have a root canal than discuss this type of thing!

Cheating is such a hurtful and painful and individual thing.... it's hard to talk about in real life because we all feel so judged.....


Posts: 1184 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I think it is probably because they are cheaters too and feel like shit. But I'm cynical now adays.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, June 24th (Monday)

When I told my 85 year old grandma FWH was cheating for years, she told me to move past it for the kids..but then again she dated a married man for decades!! Nice, huh.

No one will ever have a good response unless they have been there...


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I think it's a mix of things. Being uncomfortable is one of them. One thing I notice is if people ask me and I shed a tear, they suddenly get very busy.

The hard time that I have is that some days it is stronger than others, and I simply have no small talk within me to make. I don't care if it's sunny or raining or snowing, or what team one by how much. I don't care what paper the president signed. My life as I knew it is ending and all I can think of are my problems.

I think another part is that at least in my experience, people simply do not want to get involved. So maybe passing platitudes-which I can't stand-helps them think they talked to you/us but they didn't have to delve into anything real.

I now cannot stand platitudes "You will be okay", "the sun will shine again" and on and on it goes. It is not okay now. It is not shining. What it really is, is insulting!

It makes me tend to isolate myself, and also because so many people are expressing disappointment in me that it makes me cry. I can't make anyone happy and I don't want to try. I'm selfish right now and need help.

Sorry, Be Strong, I just wanted to give my two cents and say that I know what you mean. I find it hard to deal with. Like a form of rug sweeping.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2297 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Jaded4life
Member
Member # 37577
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I think another reason is that talking about it is a trigger. For me at least, I can''t deal with my BIL affair and talking to his wife about it because its a huge trigger for me. When I went through this I talked to her quite a bit because she had gone through it a year ago. They had a relapse, I guess she found out more about the pa her husband had and was shattered all over again. I tried to be there for her like she was for me but after a few months it started setting me back and started having doubts about R. I had to step back a little. They want to come visit for a weekend and I''m having anxiety again and dreading what is in store.

I guess what I''m saying is you just don''t know what other people are going through because most people keep affairs private and don''t let friends or family know about it so when it comes up, you just want to get on the next topic before tears come spewing out.


Me: 43...so betrayed.
Him: WH 46...multiple ONS, in therapy. A work in progress.
D-Months: Nov & Dec 2012. TT.
Married 4 years, together 5.
One beautiful amazing daughter, 15 mos

Posts: 94 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Land of the lost
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I got reactions like I was over reacting..."oh you know Mr ostrich loves you, you guys have been together forever". I don't give a f**k if he thinks he loves me or not, if he thinks he does, even scarier cuz that means he has no idea what love is. It's almost like since we were one of the last couples that were still together in our group, they didn't want me to spoil what they thought was a good thing. My fam totally had my back though and supported any decision I made.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5141 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I think alot of people are afraid of catching marriage problems from you.

For the most part, NOBODY wanted to talk to me (all married couples) about it. So ... I get it. No support from you folks.

I'd bet money that if any of them go through this, I'll be high on the list of people they call for help.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 767 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I think alot of people are afraid of catching marriage problems from you.


^^^THIS^^^
I always said that no one wanted to delve into what had happened or what I was going through too deeply because they were afraid that they would "catch" it. I called it the infidelity flu


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1778 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 24th (Monday)

You know, I always wonder if people react in this way because they don't want to appear to be judging anyone.

I guess I'm just a very biased person. If one of my loved ones or good friends is being treated poorly by his/her spouse, then I'm very judgmental about the offensive behavior. Life is all about making choices, and if you deliberately choose to hurt someone I care about, then I am more than happy to deliberately choose to judge you for being selfish, disloyal, etc.

I wish that more people were at least a little judgmental about infidelity. I don't think that our rugsweeping and/or "it's none of my business" attitudes about infidelity are at all positive or helpful.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 24th (Monday)

Unless you are talking to a family member or close friend who is well aware of the whole story (and even then its iff) most people will give you just polite answers.

People just don't or won't get involved. If someone at a social gathering told me they were just diagnosed with cancer I would try to be simpathetic but since I do not now them well I can only keep it to general conversation.

Most people just won't get too deep. Either they are uncapable of it or they don't know you well enough to get involved.

When it is a very painful subject most people just don't know how to answer.


Posts: 5679 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
bestrongforyou
Member
Member # 25818
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I could understand uncomfortable but that's not it I think - I don't even know how to describe it - the look I get... as if it doesn't matter - back then I could have screamed at these people that it was important and that it did matter - who says "that's life" when someone tells them they are getting a divorce?? that person was at our wedding...

I would not even say that to a stranger


Me(39)BS Him(35)

Posts: 659 | Registered: Oct 2009
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, June 24th (Monday)

bestrong, I agree-- I have a few co-workers that I'm not close to who will often overshare the details of their personal lives, and when one told me some of the nitty-gritty about her D (not due to infidelity), my responses were more like, "Ugh. I am so sorry. I can't believe he's treating you that way."

I can't imagine telling someone "That's life" or "Guess you need to move on" if they shared something so devastating with me.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
Markone
Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I've come to believe that unless you've been the BS, it's very hard to understand. In retrospect, going through the trauma of an A was about much more than 'losing' the spouse, but a complete undermining of my belief system and overall security with life.

I got it all - "need to move on" "is it really a big deal?" and yes "you know, you're made for each other".


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 413 | Registered: Dec 2010
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, June 24th (Monday)

Unless you are talking to a family member or close friend who is well aware of the whole story (and even then its iff) most people will give you just polite answers.

This. I'm uncomfortable when someone I barely knows shares very personal information of any kind. I think it's exposure to something they themselves should be protecting.

I also don't always believe what I hear and question motives. Some people of opposite sex can troll using victim bait. "Sooo mistreated. Soooo wronged". Yeah, funny thing is the truth is soooo often not even close to the story.

In my softball league one woman would tell anyone she even sat near the blow by blow. I'm sure it was terribly painful for her. People didn't want to hear about it, though. Not because they didn't understand or feel bad. Just was way tmi and tl:dr.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I may be cynical, but I think that As are more accepted these days and when you talk with or to someone about it they don't see it as any worse than getting D over money etc. This is very sad. The last wedding that I went to didn't even have the "forsaking all others" in the ceremony and I was listening for that part.

Just a sad thought.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
huRtZ413
Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 24th (Monday)

well only my WH family knows my family wouldnt be so supportive not that my IL's have his side they really dont they call me not him and they ask about me not him .

things my family would say:

"oh girl leave him"

"hes a dog, all men cheat"


" i told he he was just a man nothing special"

if i had cheated my family would be :

"oh girl ppl make mistakes"

"see you married too young"

"its cause you need to have more experiences "

"its ok you'll find someone else"

its pretty bad that my family would be ok if i were the cheater.....


as far as other its always "oh he doesnt really love you then , leave"

"once a cheater always a cheater"



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
bestrongforyou
Member
Member # 25818
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, June 24th (Monday)

In most cases I don't even get the chance to go into any detail - it's blocked straight away - mostly people I haven't seen in a while.

I think I just get frustrated sometimes - it's like this shallowness what gets me the most don't even know how to describe it - not even a raised eyebrow when you mention that your husband took a GF, left you and now has twins with her - even though you are not even divorced.


Me(39)BS Him(35)

Posts: 659 | Registered: Oct 2009
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, June 24th (Monday)

they don't see it as any worse than getting D over money etc

Financial infidelity is pretty devastating on its own. Know a couple whose wife's spending cost them their house.

No other people involved but husband and kids were destroyed. Looked very much the same as couples where a third party was involved.

People can do some pretty horrible things to one another that don't involve outsourcing.

Guess worse would be perception.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
hopefullromantic
Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, June 24th (Monday)

It's very personal, it's sexual, and it's not funny. What are people supposed to say?


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1787 | Registered: Oct 2007
Thiscantbhapning
New Member
Member # 39601
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, June 24th (Monday)

I made the mistake of confiding in a coworker soon after D-Day when my emotions were very raw. The only thing she said to me was, "You know, if you take him back no one will respect you." I had kicked him out on D-Day, and at that point had not even considered taking him back. A couple of months later she asked how I was doing and I told her it was really hard. She actually said, "Aren't you over it yet?" I've never said anything more about it to her.


BS (Me)-48
WH-49
COW-28
PA-5 1/2 months
D-Day 5-8-11 (Happy Mother's Day to me)
Married 26 years
DS-24
DD-22
Trying to R
"Maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you tore it all up."

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Texas
Exrev
New Member
Member # 39529
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, June 24th (Monday)


No one will ever have a good response unless they have been there...
Amen!!!! That's so true! U get everything from awkward silence to complete moronic advice to feeling like ur the bad guy cause somehow its ur fault that ur spouse cheated!! I have two other buddies whose wife's cheated within the same year as mine (one even double dated her boyfriend with my wife and hers!!!!) and so I kinda had my own support group but none of us knew what the heck to do

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Abernathy tx
bestrongforyou
Member
Member # 25818
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

It's very personal, it's sexual, and it's not funny. What are people supposed to say?

Of course it's not funny and I know it's personal - I give you an example - one of my coworkers confided in me that she had several miscarriages - not many people know about it - I don't have any experience with this topic but I can tell you what I did - I listened and let her talk - and I surely did not respond "that's life" or " aren't you over it yet?" or block her talking altogether only because it makes me uncomfortable. Nobody expects you to say anything, just the comments I do get sometimes just shake me to the core.


I know these 2 topics are not the same - it's just an example of an issue other people deal with and are deeply hurt by which I have no experience with but I can still show compassion


And I think that's what I experienced many many times - the lack of compassion which I find incredibly sad

[This message edited by bestrongforyou at 2:44 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Me(39)BS Him(35)

Posts: 659 | Registered: Oct 2009
PeaceLove187
Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

There may be several things going on here so I can't comment on every interaction. Some people don't want to get involved. Some people don't want to judge. Some people still buy that old line that there must have been something wrong with the marriage if he strayed.

But is it possible you really do talk about it more than is healthy? Believe me, I know this hurts and it hurts a lot, but I once knew a woman who just wouldn't stop complaining about her ex. You'd meet her and within a few minutes she'd be telling a perfect stranger what a jerk her ex-husband was. My mother-in-law complains about a woman at her retirement center who talks about her cheating ex during every conversation.

Do you have a few close friends you can lean on for emotional support? That's healthy. But I would suggest if your divorce comes up in casual conversation that you make a quick reference to the reasons why and then move the conversation to another subject. Why make people uncomfortable?

And if you really are limiting your complaining to good friends then ignore everything I just said.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 638 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
BeautifulEmpty
Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I totally get what the OP is talking about.
I try desperately to be an isolationist but when the hurt is just too deep, it comes pouring out to anyone with a slightly sympathetic ear. Luckily, there aren't many people like that in my world as I haven't been completely unsuccessful with isolating myself but its almost always a mistake.
The last OW used my pain against me while pretending to be my friend. I've poured my heart out to complete strangers online just because they were willing to listen...typically men because it hooks their KISA instincts. I didn't realize what I was doing back then but it ht me one day so I quit doing it. The anonyminity was appealing to me because I can't trust the real people in my life. I've gotten far more care and understanding from faceless strangers than from any 'friend'.
And this has been true with my crappy marriage as well as two miscarriages, broken bones and physical illness. I've been made fun of for being sick, told I got pregnant and miscarried on purpose (for what possible reason, I can't imagine. Never mind that I was on Implanon at roughly 99% effective), told my well documented chronic illness was me faking it...actually, that little gem came from my exH's new wife to my kids...it gets hard to hold my head up.
People really can be that heartless.


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
bestrongforyou
Member
Member # 25818
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

But is it possible you really do talk about it more than is healthy? Believe me, I know this hurts and it hurts a lot, but I once knew a woman who just wouldn't stop complaining about her ex. You'd meet her and within a few minutes she'd be telling a perfect stranger what a jerk her ex-husband was. My mother-in-law complains about a woman at her retirement center who talks about her cheating ex during every conversation.

Do you have a few close friends you can lean on for emotional support? That's healthy. But I would suggest if your divorce comes up in casual conversation that you make a quick reference to the reasons why and then move the conversation to another subject. Why make people uncomfortable?

We are separated 4 years and the topic WH hardly comes up even in a conversation with close friends anymore - it has stopped hurting a long time ago.

But the 2 instances recently were previous close friends who were both at our wedding - I had lost contact to both of them over the years and met both separately by chance - and believe me I didn't even get the chance to get into any detail - I was shot down straight away by both of them. It wasn't even what both of them said - it was the look I got - not pity or anything - just complete and utter shallow disinterest.I don't really have a better word for it.

And that's the reason for this post as the last encounter was only a few days ago...


Me(39)BS Him(35)

Posts: 659 | Registered: Oct 2009
Juanita
New Member
Member # 39913
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

The frame of my life was bent, fractured by the sudden death of my husband of many years. With the discovery of his betrayal 8 months later my world was shattered. 10 weeks later I confronted his OW and learned that their EA had been going on since she had "left him" after 3 years. Then she told me that it "only" became PA 14 years before he died. I think my legs buckled and I came close to retching on her. The hard lump is still there.
Most of his oldest friends were reluctant to believe he could behave like this. Then there were those who thought I should make light of it, "it was just a fantasy he stayed with you", or else it was my own "flaws" which drove him to secret A (my sister and one of my dearest friends). My WH's oldest friend, who had introduced us, believed my instantly and even acknowledged WH's gratuitous cruelty. There have been plenty of platitudes
and urging to forgive for memory's sake. I am learning to make myself crystal clear, when it is important enough to a friendship I value, when people's responses are disrespectful. Everything is so so hard. Everyone respected and loved my WH so much there is in me an impulse to tell them how he was not that honorable man they thought. I mostly restrain it. I can not fathom a state worse than the hollowness of betrayal. My heart is with you, Thiscantbhapning and bestrongforyou.


La Posada

"Mourning is not forgetting. It is an undoing.
Every minute tie has to be untied, and something permanent
and valuable recovered and assimilated from the knot."
- Margery Allingham


Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New York State
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

I got reactions like I was over reacting..."oh you know Mr ostrich loves you, you guys have been together forever"

yep this...
also, "you know it wasn't a real affair because he didn't have sex."


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5286 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

For a time, the platitudes and generalities bothered me, too. I agree with the posts that tell us that it is hard for people, even those who have like experiences.

Maybe it's one of those things where so much is said about a subject that only a bit is remembered and repeated? Or a person finds a comfort zone within themselves and that's their standard issue reply.

FWIW to share, I have two relatives who actually say on my answering machine, "I hope you are off having a wonderful day!", or "I hope you had a good day". In my different states of mind, cheer and platitude are difficult to accept, and I understand your frustration.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2297 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

P.S. Someone also said to me, "If it doesn't work out for Peckerwood/Perv and OW, he will self-destruct!"

What about Peckerwood/Perv and wife/family?


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2297 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

That's a horrible reaction from an old friend.
I would have to say that I have not yet experienced that.
I will say, however, that the friends I have were all completely shocked to hear my WS did this to me based on the way he always treated me and the way we were together around them.

I do want to say, however...that seeing a "happily" married couple go through these things can cause people who really aren't that happy to question their own marriages.
I had a friend in a "I settled" marriage tell me that she always looked up to my marriage and that if we couldn't make it, how could they?
People who are in happy marriages get even more terrified. They look at me, they look at themselves, they look at my WS and they look at theirs and say "Oh my God, if HE of all people could do that, then my husband could!" I think it's a huge eye opener for them. They begin to doubt the institute of MARRIAGE altogether.
We all know unhappy couples who end in divorce-that's bad enough...but to see couples who seem to have it all-love, romance, commitment, loyalty, affection, teamwork, communication...and they STILL cheat on their spouses- NO ONE wants to believe that this could be their life.
But it could.
I think that's why some people look disinterested-they are afraid to look into their own marriage and see that yes, it could truly happen to them as well.
I believe that's why divorce is contagious-people begin questioning the validity of their partnerships through the experiences of others. They gauge what one person will stand for against what they are settling for and vice versa. They realize when a friend divorces that their own marriage has many of the same issues or worse and so and so didn't put up with that...well then, why should anyone?

Either that, or they knew your marriage was doomed from the start and really don't care about the circumstances.
((hugs))


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

I think my favorite comment was a coworker who, when I broke down the morning after dday, looked me straight in the face, rolled her eyes, and said, "That's nothing - my husband left me just because he felt like it. At least yours had a good reason to leave." and then turned and walked away.

Bitch.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

"If it doesn't work out for Peckerwood/Perv and OW, he will self-destruct!"


You already know what happened when it didn't workout with Peckerwood/Perv and wife/family.
He self destructed and ran off with OW.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1778 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
wincing_at_light
Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Financial infidelity is pretty devastating on its own. Know a couple whose wife's spending cost them their house.

No other people involved but husband and kids were destroyed. Looked very much the same as couples where a third party was involved.

This is dead on. I've got a buddy who's going through this right now -- his wife didn't pay the mortgage for like two solid years without telling him. He found out 3 days before they were being evicted.

They're divorcing -- the lying and cover-ups were deal breakers for him -- and he's going through the same type of rollercoaster every infidelity-BS would recognize.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6750 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

WAL, does your buddy live in S. Florida by any chance? I have an old friend going through the same thing. I thought that was a very rare, bizarre situation, but I guess it isn't so rare.

I see the connection to infidelity, though. I asked my wife several times about her affair and what happy ending did she foresee, especially considering that she never wanted to lose me.

I think I'd probably ask the same question if I found out that she had neglected mortgage payments for years - what exactly did you think the outcome would be?

I think both types of betrayals require a huge disconnect from reality. Sleeping with another man, not paying the mortgage...what could possibly go wrong?


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1458 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

If people ask why I'm D, I tell them "I didn't like his girlfriend." That's usually enough. I can't imagine even my closest friends quizzing me about the infidelity and me giving gorey details--that's why I'm on SI; that's why others go to therapists. (OK; it happened once IRL, but it was a taxi driver in Los Angeles; when am I ever going to see him again? )

I don't expect outsiders to listen to my story and therefore I don't judge them harshly.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20292 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
canteat
Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Ever heard of Brene Brown. She does shame research. Her book "I thought it was just me (but it isn't) Explains how people can't/don't talk about things because the topic "hits too close to home" Not just in matters of infidelity but in general. It is a very interesting read (i'm in the middle of it now) Check it out. Also, look her up on TED.com under "talks". She has 2 talks there which I think are awesome.


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 37